Look, I'm not going to diss the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They do good work. Who am I kidding, they do great work. They practically founded the modern mental healthcare system, for crying out loud! And that's not factoring in their unique talents--I mean, Apple Bloom's potions have reforged the pharmaceutical field, Scootaloo's company comes out with a new brand of prosthetic every two years, and I swear for every pony in the empire Sweetie gets ten Thank You notes from some pony who was pulled out of depression or away from suicide by one of her songs.
So, for the most part, the Crusaders are awesome. Went from a crazy club of fillies in crazytown to a country-wide group of heroes in a decade and a half. Not a bad track record. Even saved the world once or twice. Heck, when mom and dad told them they were coming over to help me out, I actually went full on fanfilly. Not even going to pretend it didn't happen, I've still got the TRIPLE AUTOGRAPHED TIARA.
Yeah, I thought that would get you listening.
Here's the thing: The CMC, they're used to dealing with mental health issues, with self-doubt or self-blindness or stuff like that. Me? I like who I am, and I'm fully aware of my flaws. Don't give me that look, I do know--oh, fine, let me list them off: I don't back down, sometimes I don't think things through, and yeah I love the limelight. Oh, what, you thought I'd deny it? Who do you think I am, Rainbow Dash?
Look, my point is that I'm pretty sure the reason I'm still a blank flank is because my magic is tied to the Crystal Heart. Irregular magic flow and all that.
Not that I realized it before the Cutie Mark Crusaders came my way. Oh my gosh, I was just so crazy excited. I mean, they're like my personal heroes, you know, not just cause of the awesome stuff they do, which is just awesome by the way, but because of all the crazy shit they got into as a kid. I mean I was gathering tree sap the whole week before, and do you know how many trees there are in the Crystal Empire? Not that many! It was hard work. Panther went along with it, my parents were probably just rolling their eyes the whole time, yeah, it was stupid in retrospect but that's the story of my life, you know?
So the Crusaders finally get there, and there is a huge turn-out because, come on, it's the Crusaders, and I'm just fanfillying the heck out and then Scootaloo (number one Crusader don't let anypony tell you otherwise) turns to me and says it's time to figure out what's going on. So we finally get a room to ourselves, just me and the Crusaders, and I ask them to sign my tiara because COME ON, and they laugh and do that, and then they get down to business.
Which is just talking.
A lot of asking me things, talking about my life, you know, that sort of stuff.
Not even the most awesome pony can be awesome all the time.
So after that the Crusaders go to have their little brainstorm session and I'm totally eager because, let's be honest, I was kinda hoping I'd get to go on one of their oldstyle Crusader quests. Of course Mom's like "They don't do that anymore," and Dad's all "Good thing too, I'd hate to have to round up the guard," so I'm trying to keep my expectations realistic and then Scootaloo comes to my chambers and says "Hey, you want to help me with something?"
And it turns out something is building a ramp slide from the top of the crystal palace that spirals around and does these crazy loops before launching into the air and letting anybody skating down land right in the coliseum.
Have I mentioned Scootaloo is the number one crusader? Cause she's the number one crusader.
So we start doing everything we'd need to do to do the thing, you know, like stacking the paperwork and getting the supplies and building small parts to stick onto larger parts and then, middle of the night, we finally put the whole thing together. And the next morning I fly to the top of the castle and there's Scootaloo with one of her SW-5 scooters and this awesome-looking swoopy helmet, and I'm like "Why aren't you wearing the helmet?" and she gives me this grin and says "Cause I'm not the one going down the ramp."
Can I get a heck yeah? Cause HECK YEAH.
Of course she gives me this whole safety lecture, tells me I only get to do this once, yadda yadda, you know. I mean I'm the first natural born alicorn, so if I get in some major accident that's going to reflect badly on them, so I listen, but it's all shit I've heard before. Warning signal this, don't do that, you know the drill. So I just smile and nod and eventually I get to put on that helmet and--I feel this, like, magic on the helmet, and I take it off and I look inside, and Scootaloo says it's just there to scan my vitals while I do my thing.
So me, skating down this ludicrous coaster of a scooter track? Totally part of my therapy. YEP. Crusaders be awesome.
Look the only reason I'm repeating it so much is because it's freaking true.
Anyway, so I put the helmet on finally, and I'm getting ready to go, when dad manages to burst out of the roof trapdoor and he's panting because of the stairs, but he manages to get a look at me and he shouts something like "DON'T YOU DARE YOUNG LADY" and I'm already on the scooter and me and Scootaloo share a look, right? She rolls her eyes, and turns to talk to dad, and the two of them are having this long boring chat where she says I'll be supervised and he says that's not good enough and...
Well, I pretty much decided it wasn't going to end soon, so I kicked off. I mean, when dad gets going he gets going, and there was absolutely no way I was going to miss out on this. So I'm rolling down the world's most epic scooter-ramp, yelling my heart out, pulling off some minor stunts cause why the heck not, and then Scootaloo flies down next to the ramp, she's yelling something about responsibility or something, I don't remember. But I'm thinking she's cheering me on, so I speed up with a flap of my stupidly big wings--seriously look at the size of these things what am I a roc?
Anyway, so with that flap I'm like a third of the way down the course and I'm just having the time of my life and then suddenly dad teleports in front of me and shouts "STOP!" in his royal guard voice. Only I can't really stop because inertia. So what I do instead, I somersault over his head, land on the scooter as it slides under him, and I give him a wave. Yes, I know it's an action flick cliche. Shut up, it was awesome. And it's not like I was going to shove him out of my way, we were stupid high up and he doesn't have wings. I'm not a monster.
So I'm reaching the end of the track, you know, the jump, the part where the rider goes flying through the air to land in the coliseum, and I suddenly realize 'wait, I have wings.' And as awesome as gliding is, I'm thinking that it would be more awesome if I made this jump without any sort of safety net. So I do the logical thing and flatten my wings, summon a rope around my body, and ZIP I'm rushing through the air, no support from wind or ground, and I take the time to do a few somersaults and twirls.
Thing is, apparently Scootaloo had calculated the jump with me gliding, so I don't quite make it halfway before I skip off some roof.
Well I'm just realizing that I'm not nearly far enough, and things are going fast, so I kick my mind into high gear as I'm spinning through the air. I manage to skid off another roof, and another, and then I hit the roads like some sort of one-mare train car and crystal ponies are dodging left and right and I weave through them, you know, total action flick cliche.Lucky for me I know this city like the back of my hoof, cause you know, crystal princess, yeah. And I make it eventually to the coliseum, just bleeding off the last of the speed as I skid through the main gates.
See, here's the thing though: the other two Crusaders had apparently been in on it, and they were waiting in the coliseum for me to come flying through the sky, not the door. So when I skid in, they are completely not ready for it, they just spin around and are all like 'oh crap something's gone wrong' and Sweetie Belle is like "Shining's going to kill us!" But I just hop on over and I'm prattling on about how awesome that was and oh my gosh did you see how I skated and you know, still high on adrenaline. And then Scootaloo glides down.
And she just tears into me.
She goes on about how I should have waited until she was ready, how I should have braked when I saw my dad, how I should have spread my wings when I hit the jump, and you know I was fanfillying all over earlier so it kinda gets to me that she's pulling this lecture, it gets me right in the heart, and I kinda just droop a bit...
...and then she caps it off with "...and you know what? That's pretty much exactly what we did as fillies."
And then she turns to the others and, I'm not even joking, says "Why don't we induct her?"
SCOOTALOO. NUMBER ONE CRUSADER.
The other two are kinda worried, but Scootaloo convinces them, and they set up for a quick induction ceremony. And by the time dad manages to catch up, I'm officially the Commander of the Crystal Crusaders. Which is basically the CMC for the empire, and yeah maybe they did trick me into handling a lot of budgeting and paperwork but come on! IT'S THE CRUSADERS! THEY'RE AWESOMENESS REFINED!
My only regret is that I didn't do anything even more amazing with them. I mean I've led rabbit armies, levitated nightclubs, arranged for herds, and became a god-empress for a month. Just zipping off a large scooter, it's... it's kind of a step down, you know?