//------------------------------// // I Never Promised You a Rose Garden // Story: Life in the Fast Lane // by TheAmazingMe //------------------------------// "Dad, the fridge is hot." Bruiser announced as I made my sleepy way downstairs. Inspecting the offending appliance, I groaned. "Sure is. Blowing hot air instead of cold. Just great. I just bought these groceries, too." Slamming the door a little harder than intended, I winced and turned to face Bru. "So...breakfast?" He asked, drumming his hooves on the counter. I rolled my eyes. "We'll grab something on the way. Get ready quickly, or we'll be late." Bruiser's idea of quickly had me hurrying the rascal through his room, the bathroom, and out the door. Resigning myself to getting him to school late, we stopped by the only restaurant open this early between home and school, Stallbucks. My eye twitched at the line from the counter to the door. One tea and several breakfast items later, I signed Bruiser in late and waved the colt goodbye until the afternoon. I trotted down to the heating, ventilation, and air condition spell repair shop. Fixing the job myself required a lot of effort I just didn't have the time to put in. Even an experienced HVAC unicorn could goof up and start a fire. Or an indoor snowstorm. Neither of which would be covered by my insurance if I did it myself. "Welcome to Cool it or Heat it Spell Repair! How can we assist you?" The receptionist asked brightly. "I have a fridge blowing hot air." I replied. She giggled. "That's kind of the opposite of what it should do." I smiled to cover the internal groaning. "Exactly. So, I need a repair pony as soon as possible." "Oh! Of course! Have you been with us before?" She asked, rummaging through her papers. "No, first time." "I just need you to fill out these forms." She handed me a clipboard with at least three forms together. "If you want a pony to come by today it'll be just a skosh extra. Pricing is covered on the back of the second form. Just check the express box for service today." Making my way to the seating area, I turned the second form over and scanned down to the express box. Wincing, I tallied up the total and shook my head. Why was it always the honeymoon fund? Grimacing, I checked off the box and went back to fill out everything. The paperwork finished, I returned to the receptionist. "Everything filled out? I'll just go over your forms and give you a service time estimate." She waved back to the seating area. "This'll take just a bit." "Thank you." I replied politely, squashing the rude retort to her abrupt dismissal. She nodded at the seating area and I retreated. With a smirk, I spotted am old Celerity magazine on the coffee table and picked it up. I was just finishing an article Stylo wrote about a Prench Quarter bistro when the receptionist stood. "Loaf Stray?" I heard her call finally. My tele-writing wasn't that bad. She must've just glanced at the form. I stood and crossed back. "Actually, it's Life Story." "My mistake. We have you scheduled for this time here." She said, handing me a piece of paper with some details on it. "You're HVAC pony is listed by name and picture on that sheet and will be at your residence within a reasonable amount of time from the one listed there. If he doesn't show..." "What are the odds on that?" "Oh, well very rare. Our repair ponies are unionized though, so they can only work a certain number of hours before their prices increase. At that point, it's cheaper just to refund you the difference between express and deluxe fees and have him come to you first thing in the morning. You'll receive a courier-carried message by tonight if that occurs. Again, it only happens rarely and shouldn't be a problem with this pony at that time." "Thank you, again." "You're welcome, Mr. Story. Have a wonderful day." She said cheerily. *** I was not having a wonderful day. I had the run of the house and it was all I could do to stay on top of the cleaning. I'd managed to do most of the simple chores by spell without too much trouble. The broom nearly caused a problem when it started going haywire, but I resisted the urge to take an axe to it and canceled the spell. It was now cleaning the dining room, but the thing seemed to be taking its sweet time. Throwing everything out of the fridge would likely have been much worse without the ability to levitate multiple objects at once. Even so, it was a smelly affair that had me gagging more than once. I suspected a few things were bad before the hot air problem and they definitely weren't improved by the fridge spell going haywire. Taking out the trash, I went upstairs to catch a shower and a second to relax. Things seemed to be going by at a much quicker pace today. I turned the faucet on and was richly rewarded for all my hard work by a sudden blast of cold water. Gasping, I quickly turned it off and fumbled for a towel. I misjudged the distance, overextended and tripped over the edge of the tub. From cold water to cold tile, it was hard to tell which was worse. Righting myself, I took a second to groan internally before heading back downstairs to check on the hot water heater. It too was run by the same set of spells as the refrigerator, so I hoped the spell repair pony could fix that too. The stack of board games from the last trip to the Crystal Delicacy still sat in a bag on the table in the den. I found places for the things Ruby helped pick out. At the bottom of the pile sat the special game I bought. My face felt hot as I looked around to make sure I was alone. I had to find a better place for this before I forgot it again! My first thought was the closet I shared with Div. Opening the door killed that idea. "How does a pony who wears basically nothing outside of work have so much stuff!" Hats in boxes, suits hanging up, padded gambesons to wear under his armor, and a frightening amount of scarves. Sighing, I closed that closet. I didn't want it in any of the public spaces and hiding it in the staircase was sure to end badly for somepony. The hall closet upstairs was out as well. This left my study and the guest rooms. Given that I'd have to put this exceedingly risque game on a shelf if I went with the study, I decided on a guest room closet. That embarrassing task taken care of, I went downstairs to my study. The first few chapters of the Colteau biography needed another edit before I showed them to the stallion himself. Colteau and Mareais had a very interesting relationship, not unlike the one between myself and Div. I suspected that might be another reason for their move to Equestria. I wrote and rewrote, applying my white-out spell more times than I cared to admit by the time the clock tolled the afternoon hour. Looking up, I was astonished at how much time had passed. I set down my quill, massaging my forehead. Taking a break, I piled my notes up and stood. Striding over to the window-seat, I selected one of my favorite novels when the door-bell rang. Looking at the clock, I face-hoofed. The heating and cooling spell pony was right on time. Rushing out of my office, I ran through the laundry room, kitchen and the dining room to get to the foyer. Stopping just short of the door, I took a second to catch my breath and opened it. I looked out into the seemingly empty porch before looking down. It was Bruiser. "I forgot my key." He explained. I sighed, smiling. "Well, come on in and get out your school-work." "I don't know if I have school-work." Bruiser started, eying the stairs. "Well, go in the living room and we'll just look over your planner and see." I said, wondering what he was trying to get out of doing. Before I could step away, another knock at the door. I nearly jumped in surprise, which amused Bruiser. I scowled and motioned towards the living room. Still laughing, he headed in the right direction. This time, it was the heating/cooling pony. He was a deep blue unicorn with silver hair framing a very young face. I wondered exactly how old this pony was as I showed him in. "I'm Life, the pile of brown fur over there is my son, Bruiser. Let me show you to the kitchen." I offered. "Sounds good. Like your paper says, I'm Zero Pferdenheit. What it doesn't tell you is that my family has been in the HVAC biz for several generations, dating back to our ancestor, Anders Pferdenheit." "As in the Pferdenheit unit of temperature measurement?" I asked, amazed. "Eeyup. Coltsius is a bad word in my family. Who bases temperatures on water?" He asked with a chuckle. "Doesn't matter to me how you measure it as long as it keeps the food cold." I replied as we walked to the kitchen. After a cursory examination and a routine spell check, Zero turned to me. "Where is your home spell crystal?" "In the laundry room. Here, I'll show you to it." After several more examination spells, Zero came back and sighed. "You have a pretty big problem. Somehow, the whole HVAC matrix of your spell shifted. Has your shower been acting up lately?" "I just thought it was running low on hot water by the time I got to it." "Nope. Your spell matrix is heating your fridge and cooling your water. I'm sure there are probably a few hot and cold areas you might not have even noticed. This is going to be a bit bigger than what your estimate was, sorry to say." "You can still fix it?" I asked. "That I can. I won't have my family name tarnished by a little messed up matrix. I just need you and your colt out of the house, in case there are any...problems." "What kind of problems?" "I won't say there is a zero chance, but there is a small chance for fire. Or snow. I've seen both at the same time, actually, but that was a much worse case. This should be extensive, but we caught it pretty quickly before there could be any permanent damage." "Permanent damage not caused by fixing the problem, at least." "Right. Safer for everypony this way. You're not far from a fire house and Canterlot has great rogue spell containment teams. So, should anything go awry, your home insurance and my company's insurance should cover it." "Bruiser, we're going to the grandparents." "Which ones?" "Does it matter?" "Nana Pro keeps looking at me." "That's how she measures ponies. Speaking of her, we'll need to see her again. You're growing, I think." *** "You didn't bring your backpack?" "You didn’t remind me?" "How old are you? I shouldn't have to remind you!" "I don't have homework. I think." I sighed. "I would have liked to check your planner anyway. Well, too late now, we're almost there." As we walked up to the door, my parents were coming out. "Oh! Life, I didn't know you and the sweetest colt in Canterlot were coming!" Mom exclaimed as she hugged us both. She leaned back to look at Bruiser. "I do think somepony is getting a little too tall. Don't you know you're supposed to be my little grandfoal forever?" I laughed. "Oh, you know how much kids listen to their elders." "Don't remind me." Lovely replied with a smirk. "Too bad we have flower moths." Dad said as he joined us. "Flower moths?" Bruiser asked. "Somepony," here he inclined his head toward his wife, "got us a shipment of seeds for the solarium. Imported. From Ponyma. I guess customs wasn't very careful about checking the crate because it wasn't in the house for more than a day before we were overrun." Mom smiled. "They really are quite lovely to look at when they're full-grown. They come in all colors and look just like flowers!" "Which is great, except they cocoon on the ceiling and their larvae get everywhere. And I do mean, everywhere!" Dad interjected. "Where are you guys staying while they deflower the house?" I asked innocently. Mom snorted. Dad just shook his head. When I realized what I just said, I rolled my eyes. "I didn't mean it like that!" "I don't get it." Bruiser said, looking from adult to adult. "When your older, dear." Mom said, patting his shoulder. "To be honest, we were going to come invite ourselves over." Dad admitted. "Assuming you wouldn't mind having your folks over at your home?" "Of course not!" They frowned. "I mean, I wouldn't mind!" I clarified. "Oh." They said in unison. "Except I have an HVAC spell pony over at my place fixing the whole matrix so we're really not..." "You left a repair pony alone in your house?" Dad asked sharply. "He said there was a risk of fire." I said. "Or snow." Bruiser interjected. "Well, let's just go see how he's doing. What company did you use?" Dad asked. "Cool It or Heat It." I replied. He sighed. "Oh, well. I know the pony that owns the business. Good guy. Comes from a long family of HVAC unicorns." "Pferdenheit?" I asked. Dad smiled. "That's the one! I think his son is just a touch younger than you." "I think his son is the one at my house!" I exclaimed. Dad raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Well, we can take our time to get over there, then. Pferdenheits are good ponies." Zero did amazing work. The HVAC pony was done and had an updated bill by the time we got there. As I walked Zero out, dad got the bill and was reading it over by the time I got back. "Good work, but sweet Luna, the prices are just a tad high. I'll take care of this." "No, dad, you don't have to do that!" I argued. "Yes, I do! I forgot the crystal I got was only supposed to be temporary. I think that was, what? Five years ago?" He turned to mom. She nodded. "On a six month crystal, too. Not bad." *** After finally getting Bruiser to his homework and lending a hoof with fractions, the colt was finally in bed. Going around the house, I checked the HVAC work and was pleasantly surprised by the consistent results. Back upstairs, I went to go check on mom and dad and wish them a good night. Opening the door, I looked around and then down. My parents were seated on the floor. Mom looked like she'd just pulled the sheets around her and dad lifted a leg to block something from view. Between them sat... The boardgame I'd gotten at the Ruby Delicacy. In the adult game section. My voice was a little higher than normal. "Just wanted to check on you and make sure you were set for the night. There are more blankets in the closet." Mom smiled kindly. "We know, dear. We found this underneath the blankets." "Oh. Right." My brain stalled. The discomfort was thick enough to skate on. Finally, dad piped up. "Good night, son." "Right!" I said, turning around, my face burning. "Good night!" Locking the door behind me, I made a hasty retreat back to my room. Locking my door behind me, I was determined to never speak of this to anypony, ever. Celestia willing, my parents never would either. One could hope.