//------------------------------// // Who Finds In Her Heart No Place // Story: And How Would It Be With Our Souls? // by QS //------------------------------// I’d opened the door without checking who it was. “Hi. How may I be of—” “Hello, dear.” My eyes went wide. I was glad to hear her voice after so long, but I was also a bit concerned because she sounded a little hoarser than I remembered. She was smiling, but it wasn’t the confident smile of the Rarity I knew. I could clearly see all the little lines and furrows on her face, so my first impression was that she’d aged tremendously. The gray strands in her mane did nothing to weaken this impression. There was a distant, sorrowful look in her eyes, so that even though she was smiling, I felt a little sorry for her. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anypony look so sad. I stared at her for a little while, without being able to say anything. Rarity’s smile slowly faded, and she almost looked like she was about to turn away. I pulled her into a hug. “I missed you…” I managed to choke out. Rarity touched her ear to mine. “As have I, darling. As have I.” “Would you like to come in, have some tea?” I offered. “That would be lovely, dear.” It didn’t take long for the kettle to boil. I fetched cups and a jar of cookies from my kitchen, then poured each of us a cup after the loose leaf was ready. Rarity had put her luggage down in the corner, joining me at the windowside tea table. A gentle breeze blew in through the open window, rustling the hairs of our manes. Rarity stared off into the sunny distance, deep in thought. Not wishing to disturb her, I gave her the moment of silence. She turned back towards me after taking a sip from her cup. “So, how have you been, dear?” “I’ve been doing well, I suppose. I finished veterinary school and did my residency in Fillydelphia, so now I’ve turned my cottage into an actual animal clinic.” “You do seem to have expanded the premises.” “Mhm. I did that when I moved away so I could rent the house out. Or, rather, Applejack, Big Mac, and Apple Bloom helped me with the expansion…” Rarity twisted the corner of her mouth a little when I mentioned Applejack. Fearing I’d brought up a touchy topic, I got flustered. “Um… I’m… sorry if I…” “Oh, it’s all right, dear.” Rarity reassured me with a smile. “I’m just… I do suppose Applejack and I have some matters we need to discuss.” “Well, would you like to, um…” “I would, Fluttershy dear. But not now. I don’t quite think I’m ready to speak to her yet.” “Okay.” “In fact, for the time being, please don’t tell anyone that I’m back in town? I’d like to take it slow and avoid attracting too much attention at once.” “Okay, so, um… where will you be staying?” Rarity sighed. “I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you a favor in that regard. Do you have any space available here for me to stay? I can certainly contribute to any household chores that need taking care of.” “I do have a guest room available. Um, would you like to see it now?” I offered. “Well, I do think I should put my luggage out of the sight of any customers, so yes, I would like to.” The upstairs guest room had a window facing the forest. A table with a single chair was set just underneath it, accompanied by two empty bookshelves to its left. There was a bed, two beanbag chairs, and a walk-in closet. The afternoon sun had just began shining through the window, and I could see the dust in the air floating through the column of light. Rarity looked around the room, before setting her luggage down at the foot of the bed. “This is just what I needed.” She said. “Thank you, darling.” “Oh, you’re welcome. If you need anything else, just tell me, and I’ll do the best I can.” And just like that, we started living together. For her part, Rarity kept a low profile, and rarely went into town. Since this meant I ended up doing most of the shopping for the two of us, she compensated by doing most of the cooking and tidying. We also redecorated the house and clinic for a bit more of a vibrant feel, though planting and caring for the plants in the outside garden was still mostly my job because it wasn’t Rarity’s strong suit. All in all, it felt rather nice to be living with her. In her spare time, Rarity continued her fashion work, though she didn’t quite work at the frantic fast pace she used to. At first, she would draft designs in duplicate, sending one out somewhere and saving one for herself. After I got my sewing machine out of storage for her, she started mail-ordering materials and making her own designs. She would ask me to model for her, and when I wasn’t busy, I did. She’d also ask me for my input sometimes, and my responses were apparently helpful for her despite my relative lack of knowledge. Her work was as beautiful as always, though they felt more subdued than what I’d seen her make before. If I had been younger, then maybe things would have gotten awkward. As things were then, I enjoyed the platonic nature of our interactions. But while time had tempered my feelings, it did not make them go away. There were lonely nights where I would curl into myself and wish Rarity would hold me close. There were also times when I would dream about her, and those times could get rather intense: In some of these dreams, Rarity would be mad at me for reasons I couldn’t understand; in others I felt compelled to hurry after her to find her, but would never reach her before the scene changed or when I woke up. There were even some dreams where we were cuddling close, and things would start getting… intimate. All this meant that sometimes I would feel like talking to Rarity about it all just to get it off of my chest. But I always made excuses to myself, about how busy I was or how Rarity wasn’t likely to be interested in romantic approaches from mares. Rarity seemed to have some things weighing on her mind, too. One night, when I got out of bed to get a glass of water downstairs, I noticed that her door was slightly open, and her light was still turned on. I heard sobbing from inside the room, so I walked closer. Looking through the doorway I saw Rarity crying quietly by herself, looking at a framed picture of her and Golden Fleece. I stood still, not sure whether I should call out to her or leave her be. Rarity, for her part, never noticed me, alternating between looking at the picture, looking up at the night sky out of the window, and just laying her head on the desk between her forehooves. After about ten minutes, I turned away. I didn’t know what had happened between Rarity and Golden Fleece, but it was obvious that it was painful for her. For the time being, I stopped myself from thinking about telling Rarity how I felt, because I felt like I would have been taking advantage of her if I did. Likewise, I never asked about what had happened to her and Golden Fleece, because I didn’t want to open her wounds. Still, keeping secrets has a way of weighing down on your chest. That was why one day, when I was in town, I told Pinkie Pie everything. I’d first asked to talk to her in the Sugarcube Corner basement, so that no one would overhear us. “Okay Fluttershy, what do you want to tell me that’s so super-duper secret?” “Well, um… please promise me you won’t tell anyone?” “Cross my heart and hope to fly!” Pinkie winked at me. “Okay, umm… okay. It’s about Rarity.” Pinkie raised her eyebrows a little. “Okay, I’m all ears!” I told her everything, starting with when I first came to town and met Rarity. How I first knew that I had a crush on her. How Rarity had fallen for Golden Fleece, and how it seemed there had been something painful that resulted in their being apart. Pinkie tilted her head. “Wait. Has Rarity been in touch with you, or has somepony else gotten in touch with you about her?” “Well, um… I don’t think she knows I know, but I saw her crying at her desk one night, looking at a picture of her and Golden Fleece…” Pinkie perked up. “So that means she’s living with you right now?” I nodded. “If she’s back, we should celebrate!” Pinkie beamed. “A nice welcome back party would give everypony a chance to catch up and patch things up! I think Twilight said the castle’s functions room would be open the whole weekend, so what do you say? Saturday or Sunday sound any good?” “I… I don’t think Rarity’s quite ready yet. I’ll… I’ll need to ask her.” Pinkie nodded. “Okay! Just tell me when you find out. In the meantime, this secret’s safe with me.” I suppose it was only a matter of time before one of us found out about Rarity. After talking to Pinkie Pie, I was glad I could clear some mental space, if only by a little. But it also meant that I would have to broach the topic with Rarity about meeting the others again. “Um… Rarity?” “Yes, darling?” “So, I was thinking about, um, you know… having you meet everyone again.” Rarity put down her cup, turning her head to look outside of the window. Fireflies danced above the orchids in the garden, and I could hear crickets. She turned back towards me. “... I suppose I couldn’t have hidden away here forever.” “We’ve all missed you very much. Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, even Applejack; they would all be happy to see you again.” “I did say that I should have some words with Applejack. I do not know if she will forgive me, but an understanding must be reached between us.” “... Yes.” I wanted to reassure her that there wouldn’t be an argument this time, that Applejack would forgive her. But there was no way for me to know that that would be the case because old feelings had a way of burning into your mind and not going away. I was afraid of raising Rarity’s hopes only to disappoint her. And I was afraid of raising my own hopes only to be disappointed myself. “And, I suppose, it would be cruel to deprive the rest of us of my company, conceited as it may be for me to say so.” Rarity sighed. “Ah, us. It’s been so long since I thought of all six of us as a single group…” “I miss all the good memories we’ve made.” “Time isn’t very kind, is it?” “Mhm.” Rarity turned back to her plate, scooping up bites of her homemade radish and oranges salsa. I returned to my own dinner, too, but it felt like I was just pushing food around. “It would be unkind of me to have you keep my presence here a secret for so long, darling.” Rarity spoke up. “Well, um…” “Yes?” “I, um… I was in town, and… oh, I’m sorry Rarity, but I just couldn’t keep the secret much longer.” Rarity paused for a moment. “That’s all right, dear. I suppose it had to happen sooner or later. Who did you confide in, if I may ask?” “P-Pinkie Pie.” “I see.” Rarity nodded. “She said, um, she said she wanted to host a welcome back party for you. Maybe you would want to, um, tell her when it would be convenient…” “Rainbow Dash is not on tour, is she? I would like to speak to her as well.” I shook my head. “No… I mean, I don’t think so.” “Good. Weekends, then, perhaps?” “Pinkie said we could use a room in the castle this weekend. Um…” “Would I prefer Saturday or Sunday?” Rarity finished my sentence for me. “I suppose Saturday evening would be the best, as long as it’s just the six of us.” “Okay, um… I’ll tell Pinkie Pie that.” Pinkie Pie was elated when I told her. She started preparing immediately, and sent us all customized invitation cards. She said she would keep Rarity’s presence a secret for everyone else until the actual party, so that it would be a pleasant surprise. Rarity and I talked about whether this was a good thing to do; maybe it would turn out to be not such a pleasant surprise for Applejack. But if she wasn’t inclined to reconcile, then it would have been all the same whether she knew before the fact or not. Rarity convinced me that it would be better this way, since it gave her a better chance for speaking to Applejack face to face. After that, all we could do was wait. When Saturday came, Rarity decided to arrive ‘fashionably late’, so that she could meet everyone at the same time. We set off on an indirect route towards the castle, which took us through the cherry stand at the edge of town. The town had grown around it, but hadn’t completely enclosed it yet. It was being used more and more as a park, so trails were cleared through the stand and benches and lamps were installed along them. Some areas even had picnic tables. The sun was just beginning to set when we entered the grove. The leaves rustled in the evening breeze, and the daytime heat had faded a little. All around us, I could hear birds chirping and chattering away. Rarity was wearing a white dress and a wide-brimmed hat to avoid being recognized, but there weren’t many ponies out and about; the grove itself was deserted apart from the usual little critters. Chirps of familiarity spread through the birds around us as we walked, and soon I saw sparrows and jays gathering in the treetops. “How were this year’s cherry blossoms, dear?” Rarity asked. “I’m sorry to say I missed them.” “Oh, they were beautiful.” “Hmm. I suppose there is always next year. Do you remember the first time we came here? I still have a copy of the dress I designed that day. I must have been particularly inspired then, because the more I think about it, the more that design feels like one of the best things I ever made even after all these years. There’s just something so sublime about it, something I always aspire towards but don’t always replicate. Some ephemeral beauty beyond the ordinary…” Rarity sighed. “You know, darling, sometimes I wonder whether my spark is fading away.” “Um… what do you mean?” I gave her a worried look. Rarity slowed down a little, turning her head towards me. “It’s not that easy to come up with new ideas, that much I’ve always known. But more and more I’m finding that I’m dissatisfied with the things I make. Nothing I do feels up to standard, and I’m worried that my inspiration has ran its course.” “Um, why do you feel you’re not meeting your own standards?” “It’s as if everything I do seems so… passé, you know what I mean? They may be pleasing to the eyes, but it always feels as if something is missing, some ingredient that makes it truly beautiful.” “I’ve always thought you’ve been doing pretty well. Um… I think you might just be being a little too harsh on yourself.” Rarity didn’t immediately answer. “I mean, I think some things don’t need to be appealing on multiple levels to be beautiful. Simple things can be just as nice as complex things…” I suggested. “I seek profundity in the things I make, darling, so that they will be memorable. After all, I want my work to be remembered.” Rarity stopped and turned towards me. I turned to face her. “I can understand that you would want to make a long-lasting impression. But I don’t think it would help you to stress over it every time you work. I, um, I think it wouldn’t hurt to just make something simple for your own enjoyment.” “... I suppose you’re right, dear. Though sometimes I can’t help but feel as if my time is limited and running out quickly.” I didn’t quite understand why she would feel that way then, but the way she said it did make me wonder. I didn’t want to pry, though, so I didn’t say anything. Just then, I noticed that the chatter of the birds around us had begun to change in tone. A sense of urgency spread through their voices as we walked forward again, and around a bend in the trail, I saw why. Two magpies were on the ground--one standing, one lying still. Other birds started gathering nearby. I trotted forward, my emergency training flashing through my head. The magpies seemed to be partners. The female one stood aside as I kneeled down to examine the male, staying close while I diagnosed him. He was completely still, with no signs of breathing or a heartbeat. I began applying avian chest compressions. Rarity rushed to my side, making the female magpie jump. “Anything I can do to be of help?” “I… I’m not sure.” I answered her between compressions. “Just tell me if you need me, dear.” I think I struggled for almost half an hour, but I could not revive the magpie no matter what I did. His partner seemed to notice this, and cawed mournfully once or twice near the end. She put the side of her beak against his body as I laid him back down. “I’m… I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do anymore.” I sighed, closing my eyes. Ms. Magpie cawed once, her voice filled with resignation. “My sincerest condolences to you for the loss of your husband.” Rarity spoke, tilting her head and hiding her eyes with the brim of her hat. She lifted the dead body of Mr. Magpie with a solemn gesture, and laid him down at the root of a nearby tree. She picked a dandelion and placed it next to his body. Ms. Magpie stood over her dead partner, looking down at him without a sound. Rarity and I both sat down behind her, neither of us saying anything. I looked towards Rarity, and noticed her trembling. She lifted her hoof to wipe at her eyes. I wrapped my hooves and wings around her, my muzzle touching against her neck. Eventually, Ms. Magpie broke the silence, cawing twice before spreading her wings and flying off into the grove. I don’t know how long we’d been sitting like that, but the stars had begun to appear in the sky above us. “Where could they be?” I heard Rainbow Dash inside the room. “The party was supposed to start an hour ago!” “Don’t worry Dashie, I’m sure they’ll be here any minute now.” Pinkie Pie answered her with a faint hint of uncertainty. “I’m still wondering, who could this ‘mystery guest’ be?” This was Twilight. “Eh, could be Spike for all we know. Ain’t seen his scaly likeness in ages.” Applejack commented. I knocked twice on the door. “That’s them!” Pinkie perked up. Rarity moved herself back a little. The door opened. Everyone inside turned towards us. “And now, may I introduce--Fluttershy, and our special guest… Rarity!” From what I could tell by their expressions, everyone was surprised. Applejack and Rainbow Dash both looked like their hearts had skipped a beat. Twilight’s wings appeared to flare out a little, but she tucked them back in just as quickly. Rarity walked up beside me, taking her hat off. “Hello, dears.” Rainbow was the first to break silence. “Hey, Rares!” She rushed up to Rarity, hugging her close. “It’s been way, way too long since I saw you the last time. How have you been?” “Oh, I’ve been… managing.” “Heard you got married, too. How’s that working out?” “It’s… a long story.” I looked Rainbow directly in her eyes, shaking my head a little. Rainbow seemed to understand. “I’m glad you’re back, Rares.” She gave another squeeze before letting her go. Twilight approached us next. “All we’ve been hearing about you have been through the newspapers and magazines. There was just so much that I couldn’t be sure about. There’s been a lot happening here, too--as you probably noticed on your way in, I’ve let the Royal Archives use some of the castle’s space. I’ve been helping to manage that Annex as well, and diplomacy never rests…” “I understand, dear.” Rarity nodded. “Oh, but enough about myself!” Twilight hugged her. “It’s really good to see you again. We should definitely find a chance to talk and catch up. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of stories to tell.” “I suppose so, darling.” Applejack had gotten closer to us, but was still standing a little out of reach. She nodded in our direction as Twilight let Rarity go. “Rarity.” “Applejack.” All our eyes were on the two of them, sizing each other up. Even Rainbow alighted and folded her wings, making the room quiet again. “I suppose we must have some words with each other.” Rarity began. “S’pose so.” Rarity steadied herself. “I will not apologize for defending the one I love. But I acknowledge that the proposal we put forth that day was terribly inconsiderate. Business prospects blinded me when it absolutely should not have, and for that, I am sorry.” “Mm.” Applejack grunted, hiding her eyes with the brim of her hat. “And Rainbow Dash.” Rarity continued. “The way I treated you that night was very unbecoming of me. I apologize for that as well.” “It’s nothing, Rares.” Rainbow shrugged. “You know I care about you more than I care about you fussing about me. Besides, I really shouldn’t have been eavesdropping. But you can’t blame me for trying to stop my friends from fighting.” “Of course.” Rarity answered. “I would’ve done the same if I were in your shoes, Rainbow.” Applejack spoke, removing her hat. “And Rare, I…” “Yes?” “... I won’t apologize for standing up for my homestead. It means so much to me. Maybe I ought to, but I can’t. I don’t think I ever will be able to.” “You are not wrong, Applejack.” “But that night, Rares, I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that. I-I hope you can forgive me.” Rarity crossed the distance between them with a few soft steps, and touched her neck to Applejack’s. “I accept your apology.” “And I do too.” “We are in agreement, then?” “... Yeah.” “HOO-RAY!” Pinkie Pie pulled all of us into a group hug. “This is perfect!” She squeezed us together very tightly, so tightly that Rarity and I were pressed together cheek to cheek. The corners of our lips touched. “Come on, Pinkie… I can’t breathe…” Applejack gasped. “I’m just so happy that my friends are back together!” The rest of the evening was as happy and pleasant as I could have hoped for. Rarity shared some stories of her time on the road, dealing with hectic schedules and the chaos of missing equipment. Rainbow shared stories of her own tours, about publicity junkets and trying to make sure the military actually had what they needed on their performance locations. Twilight added her experiences with the diplomatic corps and the civil service, and Applejack and I talked about our work with wilderness rescue and disaster relief. Pinkie Pie talked about her joint venture store franchise with Cheese Sandwich and Trixie. She also brought out a set of cards and poker chips, and we played a low-stake hold’em game at her prompting. The conversation then turned to romance; Applejack said she hadn’t found anyone yet, while Twilight said she had no interest in a prince consort. Rainbow Dash would only say that she was dating a fellow Wonderbolt, but would not say who it was. Pinkie talked about the relationship between her, Cheese Sandwich, and Trixie, and their efforts in raising Pinkie and Cheese’s foal Gooseberry. Rarity and I both refrained from that discussion. Near the end, Twilight brought out some wine for all of us, so that when we left just past eleven, we were all buzzed and smiling. After her reconciliation with Applejack, Rarity became a good deal less reclusive. She started engaging in the town’s social events a little, and would sometimes handle shopping trips for me. On some weekends, we would take leisurely walks around town or even have a spa date like we used to do in the old days. Coco Pommel offered to sell Carousel Boutique back to her, but Rarity declined. Coco told her she would always be welcome at the shop regardless, that she was free to work on her own designs there at her leisure during the day. Rarity thanked her for the offer, but never took her up on it. Rarity visited the doctor’s on a regular basis, though she never told me why. She never appeared very unhealthy to me, and would always fit some martial arts practice in between her work to keep herself in shape, though as time wore on she said it was getting to be more and more of a struggle to wake up in the morning. Sometimes, phantom pains and aches would trouble her, then vanish without a trace. None of it was anything out of the ordinary, or at least, I thought so. One day, Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich invited us to see their foal. Rarity admitted that even after all these years, she still didn’t have any maternal instincts, but little Gooseberry seemed to like her. After a while, though, Rarity excused herself, saying she was getting tired. On our way home, she told me that she’d had trouble conceiving, and was never able to have a foal with Golden Fleece. “Oh.” “I had to step out of there. Too many thoughts of what could have been, you see.” “Well, um… is that… is that why you separated with Golden Fleece?” “No.” I almost wanted to ask her more, but the pensive expression on her face stopped me from saying anything. It wasn’t long, though, before I discovered why Rarity had trouble conceiving. It was a day in September. The last of the summer heat had started to fade away, and the evenings had gotten much cooler. Rarity had had more medical visits than usual over the previous month, which had gotten me more and more concerned about her health. On that day, after I closed the clinic, I finally decided I would ask her what was wrong once she got home from her appointment. Rarity didn’t use the front door. I didn’t even realize she had gotten home until I looked out into the garden while preparing dinner. She was wearing a wispy white dress with a sash around her waist that matched her mane and tail. The sun had just set, and the sky was turning into the dark blue color of nighttime. “Um, Rarity?” I called out to her as I opened the door. “Is something wrong?” Rarity turned back towards me, smiling her sad smile. “... I suppose I couldn’t hide forever.” “Rarity, what do you mean?” I asked her. “I’m… I’ve noticed you’ve been to the doctor’s a lot lately and-and I’m getting worried about your health…” Rarity looked away. “The answer is in that folder, dear.” I looked towards the garden furniture, and noticed the blue folder. Walking over to it, I opened it to the first page inside. A soft breeze rustled through the garden as realization hit me. I felt like I was looking out of another pony’s eyes again, understanding but not understanding the words on the paper. “The doctor told me it’s spread. I’m afraid there’s no stopping it now.” Rarity spoke. I wanted to deny her, to tell her no. But it was all on the page, typed in sterile and dispassionate words. “Thank you for taking care of me for all of these months, Fluttershy. But I couldn’t possibly bear to trouble you any further. It is time for me to take my leave.” Rarity turned, walking back inside. I rushed up to her as she crossed the doorway. “But… But!” Rarity turned around to face me, and even though it was getting dark, I could clearly see every line and wrinkle on her face. “Please don’t go, Rarity! I, I can take care of you. I’m not afraid.” “I do not doubt your courage, Fluttershy dear. But I fear I will only be a burden. You have your own life to live, dear, and I do not wish to take that away from you.” “I… No! I can do it. I’m a trained medical professional. I can… I…” Our muzzles were nearly touching, and for the first time, I closed that very last bit of distance between the two of us, and pressed my lips against hers. Rarity did not back away, did not resist or freeze up. She accommodated me as I kissed her, moving her mouth with mine and even letting me lick her lips a little. But she never opened herself up completely. After a minute, I pulled away. The initial high was gone, replaced by the guilty feeling of having taken advantage of a hurting friend. I squeezed my eyes closed and lowered my head. “Fluttershy.” A gentle hoof tilted my chin upwards. When I opened my eyes, I found Rarity looking directly at me, still smiling her sad smile. “I appreciate your sentiments, dear. I truly do.” She blinked, and that was when I noticed the tears pooling in her eyes. “But I fear I don’t have much love left in me to give anymore.” I couldn’t keep myself composed any longer. My eyesight blurred, and over hitching breaths, I started crying. Rarity pulled me into a hug, and I felt her soft sobs trembling with my own. We fell into each other’s embrace, and in the evening dark, found each other for the first and last time.