//------------------------------// // 127 pickles // Story: Sonichu and the Autism that Pierced the Heavens // by Good Christian Ethesto //------------------------------// Thanks to Twilight's masterful mastery of magic, the whole group was able to teleport directly to Canterlope, saving me a whole lot of writing. As they appeared in the street, Rainbow Dash farted, unable to hold it in because bird ponies don't have anal sphincters. "Woah, it seems the smell of the sewers has taken a liking to you, darling," Rarity gagged out as she pulled a comically-large clothespin out of her ass and used it to plug her nose. "Jesus Louises," Twilight said, her face scrunching up like a tissue after I've masturbated into it not once, but twice. "What the hell did you eat? That smells like a ball of decaying children." She knows what that smells like because she has one of those in her garage instead of that new pony car. Then the year 2000 called and asked me for their joke back. Rainbow Dash blushed, her cheeks growing red and puffy like a baboon butt, or like a magmar head, as blush cells coagulated in her face, causing her skin to stretch tight and become inflamed. "Applejack," she explained. And the group all nodded in understanding. "That explains why the fart smelled so shitty," Sonichu half-laughed half-whistled through the comb-like slits of his whale-esque teeth, filtering krill from the air with every breath. Everyone had a hearty laugh at that, none able to refute such a statement, and for several seconds, the group seemed to be completely fine. Then they all at once noticed they were surrounded. "Hart, who goes there?!" wondered Twilight, who could actually hardly see because the Sonion was right over head and it was near-blindingly bright where they were. Even after asking that, the smell of pickles was almost overpowering, drowning out even the stench of Rainbow Dash's continuous farts. Chris-chan's eyes dilated as he smelled that smelly smell. Not of farts, but pickles, and his grubby mitts clenched in fear and rage. He absolutely hated pickles! And just before he charged at them, music started playing as the pickle men began chanting in harmony. "We are the pickle men, pickle me this and pickle me that. We're pickles, we're pickles, we're pickles, pick pickles. Pickles on the brain, pickles insane. Pickle in the rain, pickle juice in the drain. Pickles insane, pickles insane. We're pickles, we're pickles, we're pickles, pick pickles. "Pickle me this and pickle me that. Pickles for gloves, pickles for hats. Pickles on your hands and pickles on your feet. Pickle in a jar and pickle on meat. Pickles, pick pickles, we're pickles, pick pickles. "Yo I'm Dill Pickle, I have pickle hands. I have pickle hands, I am a pickle man. Pickle me this, pick, pickle me this. Pickles on sticks, man, pickles on a spike. Pickle juice, pickle juice, bring me the pickle juice. We're pickles, we're pickles, pick pickles, we're pickles. "Freeze, I'm an officer of the pickle. Put that pickle on the ground! Put that pickle down! Pickles in jail, pickles in jail. I'm a pickle of the law, I'm a corrupt pickle cop. Pickle under arrest, pickle put to the test. Pickle me this and pickle me that. Pickles on trial, pickles on the jury. "Watch out for the pickles. Pickles, pick pickles. Pickle me that before you pickle me this. We're all pickles here, pickles together. Pickles on the brain, pickles in the rain. Keep your head in the game, it all pickles the same. Pickle pick, pickle puck. Pickle suck, pickle fuck. "I'm a pickle too, check out my pickle I.D. Pickles plain to see, you got that pickle envy. We're pickles, pick pickles. We're pickles, pick pickles. Pickle men are cool, slick my pickle hair, dude. Pickles can be rude. Pickles can be rude. "Pickle me, pickle you. Pickle red, pickle blue. I'm a connoisseur of pickles, see? Pickle, pickle, pickle, three. I'll give you a piece of pickle advice. Just ask nice and you'll get into pickle paradise. Pickle paradise, pick, pickle paradise. Just say 'pickle' thrice, and you'll get the pickle prize. "A pickle a day keeps the pickle me away. I'm a pickle doctor, got a doctorate in pickles. Pickles get the sickles, pickles have the sniffles. I give them pickle pills. Pickles on sticks, man that pickle's sick. Turn your pickle and cough, you have a pickle STD. Pickle disease, pickles from your head to pickles on your knees. Pay me pickle please, pick pay me pickle please. "Peter Pickle picked a patch of pickled pickles. We're pickles. We're all pickles. Pickles on your knees, pay the pickle please. Pickles in the rain, pickles driving me insane. Pickle juice bath, pickle jar full of juice. Pickles are a fruit. Pickles are a fruit. "Brush your pickle teeth, please brush your pickle teeth. We're pickles, pick pickles. Put that pickle Crest to the pickle test. Blue pickle in my left hand red pickle in my right. Which pickle is right? Which pickle is right? That's our pickle plight. Which pickle is right? "I have pickle STDs, have pickle sex with me please. Pick, pick, pickle please. Pretty, pretty, pickle please. Pickles grow on trees, pickle orchard full of trees. There're pickle women too, you know, but we're the pickle men. "Pickle me this and pickle me that. We're pickles, we're pickles. We're pickles, pick pickles. This is a pickle chant. Pickles are always green. No other colors of pickle please. Don't be a pickle tease. Don't be a pickle tease." Said the pickle men, in harmony. Our group of protagonists put on their sunglasses, now able to see perfectly the small army of pickle men that had them surrounded. Chris screamed in autistic rage, red mist billowing from his mouth and nose as autism magic oozed from his lungs. "I'll kill all you pickles!" However, Twilight was far more rational, and decided to ask first what the pickles truly wanted. "Pickle men, what do you want? We don't want to fight you, but we'll destroy you all in our pony god's glorious name should you bar our way." The pickle men all answered as one. "We're pickles, pick pickles. We're pickles, pick pickles. We live pickle lives. One pickle day at a time. Girl pickles on the calendar, kitten pickles on the calendar. We love a pickle tickle, we all have pickle tails. Pickles off the rails. Slick pickle juice rails. Don't pickle me that, don't get a pickle tone with me. Pickles aren't free. Pickles aren't free. "I drink a pickle protein shake, I'm a pickle body builder. I have pickles for brains, don't get in my pickle way. Pickle juice in my socks. Pick, pick, pickle gym socks. Pickle juice like sweat in gym socks. Pickle sweat in tube socks. "Pickles are crisp, pickle crunch, pickle slip. Don't drop the pickle soap. Young pickles will elope. It's young pickle love. Pickle me this and pickle me that. Crispy pickle hat, wearing pickles on your head. It's 20XX, wear pickles on your head. Please pickle hats. Pick pretty pickle hats. "I have pickle snot, pickle boogers a lot. I pick my pickle nose. Pickle, pickle, gross! Pickle, pickle, nose. Pickles dripping from my nostrils. Please buy pickle tissues. I need some pickle tissues. I have a pickle sock, I guess I'll use that. Pickle juice in sock. Damn, pickles rock. "Drop a pickle like it's hot. I'm a pickle big shot. I pickle quite a lot. I pickle quite a lot. Pickle this, pickle that. Smash a pickle, pickle flat. Pickle juice goo on my pickle man fingers. In my pickle finger nails. Pick, pickle pan pizza. Mother Pickle Teresa. We're pickles, we're pickles. We're pickles, pick pickles." Twilight nodded her head, realizing that if she could only find some common ground, perhaps they wouldn't have to fight these strange, pickle men. "Let's be friends," she offered, knowing that friendship is the most powerful weapon and she could use that power to strike down even an army of pickles should they get in her way. "But Twilight," Rainbow Dash whined. "I don't even like pickles." Chris-chan and Sonichu fully agreed. "Pickles are scum," they burped in unison, mixing retard gas into the air with each exhale. The pickles were none too happy to hear this, and they voiced their displeasure. "We are pickle men, we are pickle men. Hating pickles is a sin. We're pickles, pick pickles. We have pickle weapons. Pickle WMD's. Would you pickle please? Say your pickle A, B, C's. "Pickle A, Pickle B, Pickle C, Pickle D, Pickle E, Pickle F, Pickle G, Pickle H, Pickle I, Pickle J, Pickle K, Pickle L, Pickle M, Pickle N, Pickle O, Pickle P, Pickle Q, Pickle R, Pickle S, Pickle T, Pickle U, Pickle V, Pickle Z. The pickle's sang their A, B, C's. Call us "pickle smart", please. Give us a pickle treat, we say our pickles in threes. "Pickle, pickle, pickle leafs. Pickle sticks, pickle plants with pickle fruit. It's a pickle attitude, that's our pickle attitude. Pickles aren't food. Pickles aren't lewd. Pickles aren't crude. Pickles aren't shrewd. Pickles wear shoes. Pickles wear shoes. Cook the dog, cook the dog. Pickles wear shoes. "My name is Pickle Pie, I'm a pinkie pickle guy. Those are pickles in the sky, pickle clouds way up high. I've got to pickle cry, pickle tears from my eye. I got a pickle in my eye. I got a pickle in my eye. Oh god it hurts my pride to have a pickle in my eye. We're pickles, we're pickles. Pick pickles, we're pickles." Now Pinkie Pie was mad too. "The audience of stupid, absolutely retarded bronies is gonna get confused if you call yourselves that. They'll think you're me, and I'm no pickle." Twilight hit herself in the face with the palm of her horse hand, gaining a black eye. "Why do you guys want to pick pickle fights so much?" she asked before catching herself and covering her mouth with an arm. The others turned and glared at her. "Let me ask you something Twilight, and don't take this the wrong way," Rarity started in an accusing voice, "but do you perhaps like pickles?" Twilight's eyes shrunk to pinpricks as the whole group looked at her with judgmental eyes. "N-no, of c-c-course not!" she stammered, beads of pickle-laced sweat rolling down her forehead. Rainbow Dash leaned in, her already-humongous nostrils flaring into gaping pits as she took a deep whiff, sucking the sweat from Twilight Sparkle's flesh into her nasal cavity. After a moment, she sneezed out a glob of pickle-colored snot right onto her friend. "My nose never lies to me," Rainbow accused, a frown forming permanent wrinkles on her face. "You're a pickle apologist. I can practically taste the pickles on your lips!" Chris-chan immediately got a boner at the thought of Twilight, who's a girlfriend-free girl pony, 's lips, his member standing stark at an impressive one and a half centimeters. It's impressive compared to brony dicks, at the very least, though it was completely engulfed in his disgusting, fat-saturated belly, so, thankfully no one would ever have to suffer the sight of its measly form. "I don't even like pickles," Twilight Sparkle lied. Pinkie Pie, who according to canon (at least I think so, god knows I don't actually watch the stupid show that all these fanfictions are based on), can break the fourth wall, and she did just that. "The narrator even said you're lying," she accused. But everyone ignored her because she's a fucking idiot Earth pony and has no place in an argument. Then I remembered that Spike is one of the characters, and so he said something. "When no one is looking, Twilight eats forty pickles in her room. She eats 40 pickles. That's as many as four-tens, and that's terrible." Twilight used her magic to literally zip Spike's mouth up, causing him to gasp for air on the ground because he has a stuffy nose. "Don't listen to that idiot, he was obviously just joking... haha..." The stares of disbelief she got from the others prompted her to continue. "Oh come on, who are you gonna believe? Me, your friend and the smartest pony on all Equestrias combined, or some pet lizard?" Rarity rolled her eyes, clearly still not buying it. "Look, darling, you aren't exactly the element of honesty." "Actually," Twilight corrected. "Now that Applejack is dead, I've inherited the element of honesty, making me the most believable pony in the world." All her friends immediately gasped, instantly sorry that they'd doubted her. "I knew you weren't lying all along, I was totally just messing with you," said Rainbow Dash, trying her hardest to keep their fragile friendship alive. "Yeah, twas big American joke," Sonichu gasped as puss simultaneously oozed from every pimple on his entire, grotesque body. Chris-chan had to silence his quickly-beating heart as he heard the good news. He was honestly so mad that she liked pickles, and it filled him with all sorts of conflicting emotions far past his capability of rationally handling. "Pickles make me sick." "Now that we've got that business out of the way, let's go save Celestio," offered Twilight, and the whole group continued onward to the palace. The pickles were gone, nowhere in sight. Perhaps it was all just part of their imagination. Meanwhile in Ponyville, Fluttershy had been left behind, and had already been boned by an entire army of skellingdromes.