//------------------------------// // Regifting 101: The Maud Pie Approach // Story: Letters from an Irritated Princess // by Tired Old Man //------------------------------// Mayor Mulligan, Look, I know I’ve given you a lot of chances. Not just a few, but so many chances to keep the city at a minimal level of quality control. But then I received a letter from a concerned citizen who shall not be named for privacy reasons, and her remarks about some of the available housing are… how to put this lightly… abysmal. For reasons entirely unclear as to their existence, Manehatten is home to no less than thirty alley-sized houses. Except that is being FAR too generous in describing it as said homes are barely the width of a single average-size mare. All but the thinnest of stallions wouldn’t fit, and you can bet my chubby butt won’t even make it through if I entered the door sideways. So why, exactly, are these homes being marketed to ponies when they can only reasonably fit a foal?! It doesn’t make any-- Hmmmaaahhhhhh… Okay. Mulligan, I’ll give you a chance to correct this nonsense. I do realize that this housing may still hold some value to the downtrodden denizens that walk your streets, but at the same time I’d like real estate to be quite candid about the dimensions of what they’re selling. Words like ‘cozy’ or ‘you can reach anything inside in just three steps!’ simply don’t cut it here. I’m looking for terms like ‘claustrophobes beware’, ‘the next step beyond your ant farm!’, or ‘thickly-built ponies need not apply’. It’s the sort of disclosure they shouldn’t even try to bother covering up because it’s abundantly clear from the instant ponies try to enter it how much they’re glossing over the truth of the matter. Thus, I’d like you to get those political gears grinding. Get a mandate out there declaring that real estate sellers be wholly truthful about the dimensions of such appallingly small buildings that are barely fit to be doghouses with their current width. And I know your width, Mulligan--you can’t fit in these houses either, and if it’s not fit for a mayor of your stature to live in, how dare they try to make it sound so accommodating? Do let me know when it’s prepared and ready for the necessary introductions to the City Council. I’ll make an appearance that day to usher things along. Oh, one more thing. I also received your notice about some noise complaints today, describing a pink pony that littered the streets with confetti and blasted a cannon every five to ten minutes for hours. You should address these complaints, but you will not seek charges against the mare responsible for these issues. You won't even give them a littering fine. Just go on record stating the pink pony was merely an overenthusiastic, eccentric tourist. Please, please do nothing more than acknowledge and immediately dismiss the issue. Unless you would like to have a helping hoof in ensuring all of your streets are paved with a fresh layer of creamy, creamy frosting, I will only state this once: It is not worth the risk. Respectfully, Princess Celestia Ah, Luna! There you are. Good, and you brought Sunny and Moony! This is perfect. Now, as you two should know, today is a very special day. Do you know why? Yes! I’m somewhat surprised you knew that, but today marks the one-year anniversary since you’ve been ‘born’ into the world! Yes, this is quite exciting for all of us! And to celebrate, Luna and I got you some presents to mark the occasion--and I also see you’ve prepared your own! Wonderful, then if you don’t mind, I would like to present mine first. My present, dear Sunny, is this sundial. It’s something I used when I was young and getting used to moving the sun. Other ponies would use this to tell the time, but I used this to help me gauge what time to set! Now that you’re getting a grasp on moving the sun better, I figured you could use this to help you adjust the time of day with better precision. Oh, and this is the only sundial I have. Well, not the only one. I get thousands of them on my birthday from every noble trying to curry my favor by asking the same question: “What is the best gift to get our Solar Princess?” Clearly, that answer must be a sundial! However, this particular sundial is the one I cherish the most. It’s the first one Starswirl gave me, and against my better judgement, I think you need it more than I do. Obviously I have plenty of backups available--you’ve taught me how valuable that preparation can truly be. (Yes, Luna. I know that's actually the second sundial Swirl gave me. Turned out he was bad at giving gifts too, but this is still pretty big for her. Don’t spoil it!) Ahem, Luna. What is your gift to Moony? Wow! It’s a… telescope. (Okay, you’re ragging on me for regifting an old gift when you’re giving her the telescope I gave you when we were fillies?! You could have given her the spare observatory key if you wanted her to really see stars!) Oh, uh, it’s nothing you two! Luna and I are, um, discussing how thoughtful our gifts are! Why don’t you two share your gifts while Luna and I sort things out? ~~~ Hey wait! Biggest sis, you left your really long paper thing here! You’ll get it later? Well, can I please use it now? I kind of want to record our gifting stuff too! Sweet, thanks! Maybe Moony and I can record our own gifting debate! Anyway, let’s start with my gift. Now, I know how much you love baking. In fact, you probably love it a million times more than I do with how much time you spend in the kitchen these days! Therefore, I made sure my present would be the bestest present ever for your cooking! Oh, I can tell by that dumbstruck look on your face! You love this big bag of moon dust, right?! I mean, I know you like using this stuff so much in your baking, but ever since that Moon Biscotti Beast ate like half of your kitchenware, you haven’t put everything into your craft these days. I wanted to help with that problem, at least a little bit and… Huh? Moony, why are you crying? What?! You sold all of your moon treats to buy me a big bag of assorted sweets? No no no! That’s now it works! I sold all of my sweets to get a big bag to hold the moon dust so you could bake more moon treats, not so you could turn around and give me a candy refill! Dangit, now I have to get sell more candy and get another big empty bag! Oh no, you’re not going to outpace me on this one! I will get you the better gift, because your candy gift is incredible! But it’s not as good as your happiness! I know you make me so happy right now, but I must make you HAPPIER!