Utaan
"Make way!" hollered Windburst of the Right Talon of Verlaxion. He and Starstorm flew over the gasping crowds of Frostknife, their wings kicking up flakes of snow. "Make way! We've caught the beast! The beast from beyond the Blight!"
Ponies and griffons from all trots of life parted ways, forming a narrow runway along the northernmost edge of the lofy clifffaces. Soon, Seraphimus, Raptr, and Keris landed with a struggling, writtling pegasus in their grasp.
"Grnnnnghhh!" Rainbow gnashed her teeth, pendant rattling as she fought against the guardians restraining her. "Let me go! Let me go! You have no idea how important my journey is!"
"That's enough struggling out of you, monster," Seraphimus hissed. She led the way into the open Court of Verlaxion. "You shall answer now to the Goddess for your crimes!"
"Please! You don't understand!" Rainbow panted and panted. "I had no choice back in the Quade!"
"I had hopes, Rainbow Rogue," Keris said in a melancholic tone. "You almost fooled me into thinking you were a noble soul."
"Let me see the creature!" Chandler trotted up alongside Hymmnos and a group of Central Guardians. "Mmmmmm... even more petite than I imagined."
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Rainbow grrrrrr'd.
"Nevertheless." Snorting, Chandler turned about and gestured towards the stairs just beyond the Tribal Statues. "Throw her before the mercy of Verlaxion. Let the Queen deal with her."
Seraphimus and Keris bound Rainbow's limbs, then shoved her forward.
"Mmmmmf!" Rainbow landed with a grunt against the bottom of the stairs.
"Unifier! Unifier! Unifier! Unifier!" the whole of Rohbredden chanted.
Shivering, Rainbow tilted her head skyward, gazing up the stairs towards Verlaxion's throne.
Blue light emanated.
A cold fog descended.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand—"Cut!"
All of the effects ended, along with the chanting and the falling snow and the billowing fog machine.
"That's a wrap, folks!" shouted a pony in a baseball cap, wearing a microphone. "Time to tear her down!"
Ponies wandered on and off set, carrying microphone and camera equipment.
Rainbow blinked. She stood up, watching as the Talon split up, along with dozens upon hundreds of extras.
"What..." Rainbow blinked. "Wh-what's going on here?"
"What, are you dense?" A stagehoof wandered by, frowning at the mare. He picked up one of the many styrofoam statues in one fetlock. "Utaan ran out of budget. Didn't your agent tell you?"
"But... but..." Rainbow grimaced. "To end on such a cliffhanger?" A gulp. "And a forced one at that?"
"Look. It's obvious to everypony on the project. The story went on for waaaaaaaaay too long. Production got strained. I mean... we've resorted to releases every two or three days! Whatever happened to the good times of daily updates?! Pfffft... it's Ynanhluutr Part Deux, only this time nobody cares." He yawned while pushing down the walls of Frostknife, revealing backstage walls and concrete and dangling setpieces. "Can't even save the story with a lesbian kiss, you know what I'm saying?"
Ariel walked by, grunting in a deep bass voice: "Shoulda stuck to Redguard Delicious. I swear to Celestia."
"But... b-but..." Rainbow Dash gulped. She stood up, stripped of her pendant, and trembled in place as the studio dissolved prop by prop around her. "What about Verlax?! Aren't we gonna have a climactic encounter or—"
"Pffft. You think Imploding Colon has the time or money for that?!" Seraphimus lisped. Several assistants rushed up, draping a luxurious fur coat over the Talon leader's shoulder before tending to her makeup. "Rumor is he's taken the Patreon money and run off to live at Disney. Gonna go... hump pillows inside the castle, or something. Tch... Bitch, did I say you could unscrew my Dasani caps?!"
"I-I'm so sorry, Seraphimus."
"Such a shame," Theanim said, trotting across the set with Bard. "If the fic was slightly better, we could have seen some amazing headway into the plot."
"I heard that Lord Belgarion's agents were asking to get the rights of Bard back. You want my opinion? They can have him!"
"No joke..."
"And that Wildcard schtick is the worst grab at attention in years..."
Rainbow blinked, watching as a stallion shuffled after the director.
"Please? Pleeeeeeeeease can't you film one last scene?!" The stallion got on his knees, nearly whimpering. "I'll be a janitor in Frostknife! A ghost from Rainbow's past! A random thug she beats up outside of Starkiss! Anything!"
"For the last time, Mr. Trampoline, give it a rest! It's over with!" The director growled. "Honestly! You're almost as bad as that Skeeter, fellow!" He sighed, flipping through a clipboard. "Still... such a shame we couldn't use 'Alamais.' I was really, really looking forward to the Night Shard."
A stagehoof looked over. "What if the Fact Checker starts a GoFundMe campaign?"
"What if you suck on my urinal puck?" The director spat. "Get back to work! I want this studio disassembled in time for the Ponies Are the Size of Cats reboot! The public has spoken and they want their apple snuggles, Goddess dammit!" With a groan, he marched off. "I swear... this project would have jumped the shark at the start of Book Nine anyways..."
Rainbow Dash's ears drooped. With a heavy sigh, she shuffled past styrofoam statues, unused machine world pyrotechnics, and a pony wandering by with Mortuana's detached wings. She stepped outside, meandering through busy studio buildings. At last, the mare stepped up into her trailer and shuffled inside. Empty cider bottles lined the scant window space. She hobbled across a sea of junk, picked up a cell phone, and dialed a number.
The phone rang and rang and rang.
At last, the dial tone ended, replaced by a squeaking face on the other line.
"Yeah. H-hey there, CandleStick Head?" Rainbow squinted out the window as she stood in her trailer with her phone to her ear. "Yeah. They... they went on and pulled the plug." Silence. "Yup. Left it on a lame-ass cliffhanger too... maybe hoping someone else will pick it up." Silence. "I know, right? And after all the courage I worked up for that lesbian kiss scene?" Silence. "No." Silence. "No, I didn't ask them that. Besides, I figured Twilight and the others were all being paid half since they were technically voice acting." Silence. "Uh huh... uh huh... no... no, I-I... listen, I..." She rubbed her muzzle, sighing. "I need a break here. How about... how about that one gig, y'know, with the remake they've been talking about?" Silence. Rainbow Dash frowned. "So what if I'm only in it for the first chapter and then I die?! This will make Scootaloo's career! Just... just give me a chance! I know they were gonna bring me back at some point or another for the time travel reveal!" Silence. "Huh?" Silence. "'It's been so many years she's practically a baritone now?' What's that got to do with anything? Kids love time travel stories these days. Hello? Hello?"
A frown crossed her lips.
She dropped the cell phone and slumped to a couch, sighing. Her hoof hung over her muzzle in a defeated fashion.
"Shoulda stuck to Titans, I swear..." Her ears twitched. "...I'd have made a great villain... woulda tapped that Bronyphobia gland nice and good."
Just then, the air around her resonated with 1950s cheesy sci fi muzak.
Rainbow blinked. Her every body part drooped. "Oh Goddess, not again—"
FLAAAAAAAAAAAASH!
The trailer was lifted in a giant glowing tractor beam. A UFO hovered above the studio, zapping the portable building until it dissolved into the vessel's rotating energy banks. A Kokiri boy stuck his head out of one of the many windows.
"We got her!" Hajile hollered. "Jesus Christ! Go! Punch it! Punch it!"
FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
Appledashery
LAST TIME ON APPLESTUARY
"I..." Applejack whimpers, sniffling. "I think I might be pregnant!"
"Me too!" Granny Smith squeaks.
We see a close-up shot of Stu Leaves clasping his fuzzy cheeks and facing the camera. "Not againnnnnnnn!"
(LAUGHTRACK)
TWO PONIES IN LOVE... WITH A VENGEANCE
Screeeeeeeeeeech!
A police car speeds around a street corner. Applejack and Stu Leaves, wearing uniforms, stick their bodies out of the windows and fire semi-automatics past the screen.
POW!
P-POW!
BLAM!
WITH NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE
"AJ, the door locks!" Stu hollers, fumbling with the door. He ducks his head, then looks back across the computer room. "AJ, we need the door locks!"
Panting, he looks back at the window.
Rainbow Dash smiles toothily at him from the other side. She glances down at the door handle.
Swooosh! The door opens part way, with Rainbow's sharp claws reaching through.
With a gasp, a wounded Applejack limps over and helps Stu push the door back, fighting against Rainbow's incursion.
"SKRIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Rainbow Dash hisses.
Meanwhile, shivering, Scootaloo wanders over to a computer, sitting down to a monitor displaying cheesy 3D graphics. "A Unix system! I know this!"
IN A ROMANCE THAT WILL CHANGE ON-SCREEN STORYTELLING FOREVER
"Hmmmmmmm!" Stu Leaves stands in a suit, eating from a bag of fast food. "Now this is a tasty apple!"
"Wh-what?" stammers a pudgy stallion sitting in a kitchen chair.
"Equestrian, motherbucker!" Applejack in an afro aims a gun at his head. "Do you speak it?!"
UPDATED AT A THRILLING THREE HUNDRED TO FIVE HUNDRED WORDS A DAY!
"Rnnnnnngh!" Stu Leaves tosses the glowing disc with all his might.
"Guh!" Noir barely deflects and falls partially off the platform. He holds onto the side, suspended hundreds of digimeters above the abysmal grid.
Zecora, wearing a glowy red commander helmet, peers over the edge of her battlecruiser. "Finish the game!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Stu Leaves yells.
Frowning, Zecora's hoof hovers above a red button.
A deep bass voice reverberates over her shoulder: "I want him in the fic until he dies shipping."
Zecora fumes and fumes.
DON'T MISS THE NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT
Applejack sits across from Stu Leaves in a crowded, smoky room filled with buffalo.
"Is this what you want?" Applejack asks, holding an apple to her head. "Is this what you want?"
Stu Leaves replies silently with a thousand mile stare. A red bandanna graces his forehead.
Applejack inhales. "I love you..." She closes her eyes... and flings her hoof.
The apple bounces harmlessly off her head.
She sighs.
"Buffalo!" "Buffalo!" "Buffalo!" "Buffalo!"
Stu Leaves' muzzle forms a tiny smile.
Applejack leans forward. "Come on, Stu. Come home. Just come home. Home. Talk to me. Talk to me."
Stu fidgets in his chair, close to tears, lips moving.
A buffalo hooves Stu another apple.
"Stu..." Applejack says, grasping Stu's forelimb. "Remember the apple trees? You remember them?"
"One buck?" Stu says with a faint grin.
"One buck!" Applejack smiles back. "One buck!"
Stu chuckles. "Yeah..." He pulls his hoof from Applejack's grip and immediately slaps the apple to the side of his skull. Juice and seeds go spilling all over his quivering body.
The whole room lights up in smoke and cheers. "Buffalo!" "Buffalo!" "Buffalo!"
"Stu!" Applejack cradles the stallion, sobbing. "Stueyyyy! Noooooo!"
The frame suddenly freezes with VHS static.
"Soooooo... uhhhh..." A studio exec trots in front of the tv monitor and smiles at the ponies gathered in the conference room. "What... does everypony think of the new direction we'll be taking the fic in?"
Applejack blinks. She looks aside at Stu Leaves.
Stu Leaves bites his lip, fidgeting.
"Well?" The exec adjusts his glasses, then glances at the far end of the table. "What do you think, Miss Dash?"
"... ... ... ... ..." Rainbow Dash frowns... scowls... and then—"RRRRGH!" She flips the massive oak table. SMASH! Angrily, the mare stomps out.
Applejack and Stu grimace.
The studio exec clears his throat. "Well... there's always Utaan!" A pony leans in, whispering into his ear. "What? No kidding? Them too?" He frowns. "Then what the Hell is left? Day Old Spaghetti?"
SMASSSSSSSSH!
A giant UFO crashes into the room. A green haired boy with elven ears hops out, unsheathing a sword while cheesy 1950s sci fi muzak blares behind. "Alright, where's Babellyon?!" A beat. "Jesus Christ. Here too?!"