Shadencord
“Ha. Hahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You dinks actually thought I was gonna give this story up so easily? Yeah right. April Fools, you d-,“ Schadenfreude was sharply interrupted by the sudden presence of a pickled salmon upside his head.
“Now, now, Freudy, is that anyway to treat the audience at home?” Said a familiar, slightly effeminate and consistently superior voice from on high. Like, maybe five feet in the air.
Schadenfreude looked around, then straight up, to see Discord floating above him, a rather spectacularly egotistical pair of sunglasses propped up on his forehead. “Oh come on. It’s April Fool’s Day! You can’t tell me I have to go through with telling the story! That negates the whole point of the joke!”
Discord floated down, and draped himself lazily over Schaden’s back. “Oh, come now. We both know a literary bait and switch is so old hat. And besides, you know the best part of a good Fool’s joke is waiting for the comeback. I mean, what could the audience possibly do? Stop reading?” At once, both sets of eyes widened sharply, then looked to the -camera? Stage front? Audience. Yeah, audience- pleadingly. “Please don’t stop reading,” Discord continued.
Schaden nodded his agreement. “Yes please. Look, I’ll tell the story. But only for you guys. And Dissy.”
Discord feigned a blush and waved his claw dismissively. “Oh, psh, don’t go through all that trouble for little ol’ me.”
“But I have to, it’s the closest thing to Christmas we get,” Schadenfreude pointed out.
Discord gave him a sly smile. “You mean besides Christmas.”
“Well, yes. Besides that. Ok, you guys have been asking me –us- to tell the story of how we met. Well, funnily enough, this is actually the anniversary of that very event. So here goes.”
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It was the next calendar year after Discord had declared himself “reformed”. I was going about my usual routine, when I’d noticed that tomorrow, a Saturday of all things, was April Fool’s Day. Now, most ponies assumed that this was in fact my favorite day of the year. While I did derive some enjoyment from upping the ante a notch or so, to me it was merely a day of expectations. While most ponies were normally wary of me, simply everypony I knew was on the lookout for any little tricks or lies I may have had in store.
To me, there was only one recourse for avoiding an entire community of ponies that were on the lookout for my usual “shenanigans”. A poor choice of words, in my opinion. My cousin Shenanigans lived in Las Pegasus. Made a great living as a street hustler. But digression aside, I had no choice but to seek out an entirely new audience.
Now, at the time a few members of my family had some business or another in the castle, so I could at least get myself by the front gate by saying I was dropping of somepony’s lunch. Or, you know, just walking in. The guards really didn’t care unless somepony told them too. At least, not entirely. I mean, we had dealt with a changeling invasion and an evil princess by then. And, well, Discord.
Now, it bears mentioning that Discord did in fact live in the castle for this intermittent period. This was before he moved to that weird parallel dimension that made it woefully inconvenient to visit. Which was most likely on purpose. Now, I’d heard of him, and had occasion to meet him maybe once, when he first resurfaced, but all in all I only really knew what he looked like because nothing else in Equestria could be mistaken for a Draconaquis.
I had of course formulated some kind of plan before making my way to the castle. My intention at the time was to introduce myself as a job applicant for one of the many office positions they had open that nopony in their right mind would want to take on. And as long as I at least filled out some of the paperwork beforehoof, it wasn’t lying. (Which, by the way, is a felony. Falsely identifying yourself, gaining access to castle grounds and employee access areas under false pretenses.) Of course, this wasn’t the entire plan, but it was where I’d decided to start.
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And this, my dear friends, is where I came in. I had been living in that drearily cheerful castle for months with little else to do but read and terrify the locals. I might as well have just stayed in that statue for all the fun I wasn’t having. Castle life is such a bore when you’re “on Friendship Restriction.” And yes, that is a thing. One Princess Twilight likes to abuse constantly. I’m just glad she wasn’t a Princess at the time.
So in my own effort to celebrate that joyous of days, Frabjou-I mean April Fool’s Day, I had convinced Tia over a week beforepaw to let me “help out” in the castle and take a post as a hiring manager for some of the more dreary positions. Now, up to that day I had of course been the absolute epitome of cordial in order to maintain my post long enough to put my own deliciously dastardly prank in motion.
I had already interviewed a few ponies, a griffin, and a changeling under the Changeling Rehabilitation Act. Distinctly unamusingly usual. It was about noon, however, that my plans were, if not derailed, repurposed significantly. There came a knock at my door much like every proper knock I’d ever heard. “Come iiin~” I cooed, waiting for the next dreary applicant.
And in stepped the most subtly peculiar colt I’d ever met. He was dressed in a pinstriped vest, tie, and dress shirt, with a matching bowler hat. Yet there was something, or rather, many somethings, off about him. He wore his watch as though he were left-hooved, but had a right-hoofed Winsor knot in his tie. His hat was two shades darker than his coat, yet it matched the least prominent shade in his tie, which in turn matched his eyes and his shoes with its other shades. He walked normally, yet I could tell one of his shoes was exactly one millimeter shy of the other three. Also, even though it was under a vest and tie, and buttoned properly, his shirt was inside out.
His fur was another story entirely. He had a white coat from his collar to his nose, yet black, uneven splotches over his eyes. His flanks were pristine white save for a black band over his rear left hoof, and he had a straw-brown mane and tail. The most peculiar thing about him, however, was his Cutie Mark. A painting tilted sideways.
In anyone else, alarm bells would be going off left and right. Me? I saw opportunity. And then he introduced himself.
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“Nice to meet you. My name is Schadenfreude. You must be Mr. Discord, am I right?”
The draconequis was impossible to mistake for anypony else. Besides the art I’d seen of him, and the posters around town, and the statue, you could pick him out of a crowd just by his general description alone. He stood up from behind his desk, and held out a claw, which I shook. “Yes, I am. Shall we take a seat?” Now, obviously I was going to have to rethink my plan if the role of my intended target, or at least the first domino in the row, was going to be the Spirit of Chaos himself. He’d see me coming a mile away. So, recalculating my tactics accordingly, I took a measured risk.
I told him the whole damn thing. “Ok, look. I’m not actually here to apply for a job. I mean, I am, but only to avoid the whole “False Pretenses” security clause. As you are undoubtedly aware, and possibly responsible for, it’s April Fool’s Day. And pretty much everypony I know is wise to one or another of my ideas, if not wary of me in general. So I needed a new audience. And a legitimate means of encountering said audience.”
Discord raised an eyebrow, and left it hanging on the ceiling. A feat I was more than impressed with, I must admit. “And how, praytell, were you going to… “pull a fast one” on the castle?”
At that point I told him my plan, which, if I’m being honest, I don’t remember a lot of, mainly because the plan we eventually settled on was infinitely better. “I just wish I could get to more of the castle to have a bigger impact. I’d like to at least make the news this time.”
Discord stroked his mighty beard in thought (which he then had, and has since utilized at least once or twice). Then his eyes widened. “Why, Schaden, I believe we may be able to solve each other’s problems, and pull the perfect prank in the process. And the best part is, we wouldn’t really need to do any work throughout.”
I was more than a little weary. “This sounds a little sales-pitchy to me. What do you mean?”
Discord smiled widely, and explained, “Well, they way I see it, you’re not allowed in certain parts of the castle simply because you lack the brass to walk around as you please.”
I nodded slowly. “Yes...”
“And I,” he continued, “Am not allowed to leave the castle, as per my… probation.” I paused, waiting for him to continue, which he did. “But as I understand it, you are not on probation, and I can go about the castle as I please!” At some point in his explanation he had taken out an easel and visual aides, which I made a point to take in stride.
“This would be very convenient if, you know, we looked at all alike.”
He rolled his eyes, and slithered up to me, a gesture I have since become accustomed to. “Or if one of us was, I don’t know, a floating ball of chaos magic with mischievous intent?”
I raised an eyebrow as a smile crept into a corner of my mouth. “Why, good sir, are you offering me a job?”
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After a bit of hocusy-pocusy mischief, Schaden and I went on our separate ways. I, myself, took the opportunity to visit many a noblepony and government official I had a bone or two to pick with, most of the details of which can be read about in the news archives. Schaden, I understand, had a much more discreet, yet equally productive day.
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It’s true. After we switched bodies (if it wasn’t obvious already what we were doing), I decided to march my way into the royal chambers. Now, Discord had taken the time to explain his “Friendship Probation” to me, which basically meant he couldn’t leave the castle walls except at the behest of a Princess, or on a Friendship lesson. The rest of the castle had, as it seems, given in to the fact that there wasn’t really anything they could do to keep Discord out of anywhere he wanted to go.
Now, obviously having his body didn’t give me access to any of his powers, as we merely changed shapes, not like, moved our souls from one body to another, but I was given his voice and general slithery demeanor.
I’d taken a few minutes to try to learn to walk on two legs, which, for future reference, is not something anypony should ever put the words “crash course” in front of. Pretty quick I’d decided to simply shimmy about on all fours, and to my great surprise, this disturbed a great number of castle staff.
And all I was doing was walking around.
I spent a good deal of time going around, being generally pleasant, and saying hello to pretty much anypony in as calm and friendly a demeanor as I could. The paranoia was palpable. Eventually, however, I found my way to the Royal Hall, where the two Prinsisters were spending a rare moment together on their thrones.
As soon as I walked in, their eyebrows shot up, most likely because Discord has a tendency to not use doorknobs. Or walk around on all fours. Or really do any of the things I was doing at the moment. I greeted them cordially, bowed as well as I could granted my current posture, and simply sat down next t their thrones for a while, not saying much of anything.
It took them maybe five minutes of staring at me and whispering to themselves before Sunbutt asked me, “Excuse me, Discord?”
I took a moment to answer, mainly because I wasn’t used to answering to the name yet, after only an hour or so of walking around in his scales. “Yesssssssssss?” I hissed out, as slithery as I could. Which was pretty easy given the whole snake tongue thing.
“What, exactly, are you doing?” she continued.
“Sitting.”
“May I ask why?”
“You may.”
“...” she stopped talking for a moment. I waited patiently. Finally, she caved. “Why?”
“Because I want to.”
She opened her mouth to continue the line of questioning, but Luna held up a hoof to stop her. “Dear sister, do remember what day it is. Mayhaps you are merely falling into some kind of prank of his.”
.
Celestia looked like she wanted to press the issue, but her attention was taken up by a noblepony running into the room. “Princesses! We have an emergency! Discord has left… the… cast...le?” The stallion, an earth pony, stared at me, extremely confused. “But… how did...”
Celestia looked at me queerly, and back at the stallion. “What do you mean, he’s left? He’s right here.”
The interrupter looked sheepishly between the Princesses and I, and explained, “But there are reports of chaos magic all over Canterlot! Trees turning into random objects! Ponies turned into… things! How did-”
Celestia held up a hoof, and turned a rather steely gaze towards me. Now, most ponies would be terrified, but I was in the distinctly advantageous position of 1.) Not being the pony who did it, and 2.) Knowing that I wouldn’t even be here in about four or five hours, maybe less. “What,” Celestia began, “Did you do?”
Now, I should take a moment to explain my answer before I actually tell you what it was. Whenever I am put in a position where I either do not want to answer, or cannot answer a question, I answer the same way. Because I know at least one person in the room will be bothered by it.
I paused thoughtfully for a moment, looked the Ruler of Equestria dead in the eye, and said, “Moist.”
And saw Luna flinch. There’s always one.
Celestia looked, by all means, more affronted than anypony I’d ever seen. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling ear to… horn. “Ex-cuse me?”
“I said-”
“I heard what you said! Discord, my faithful student and her friends may have vouched for you, and you may have done your part to help repair the damage you’ve caused, but that does not mean that you have carte blanche within these castle walls!” she yelled at me. Or rather, spoke very sternly. I’m still convinced that Luna has all of the yelling ever between the two of them.
At which point “I” walked into the royal hall, flanked by two guards. Luna looked round at the new group of interruptions, and barked, “NOT. NOW.”
In that same moment, Discord and I traded glances, and he undid the spell.
The ensuing confusion was art in its purest form. Celestia almost fell over as soon as I became a pony again, and Luna, having not seen my transformation yet, was under the split-second assumption that there were now two Discords.
The Spirit of Chaos and I yelled, “April Fools!”
...and I don’t remember much between that and spending the night in the dungeon. A lot of yelling, some smacks round the head, a lot of explaining (which didn’t really get anypony anywhere, because one of the few direct similarities between Discord any myself is that we are very good at never, ever giving a straight answer), and we were locked in a rather impressively magic-proof dungeon for the rest of the evening.
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“And then they fucked, the end,” said Discord.
“Um, no. Not really. You were pretty out of it with all that magical interference. I think that would have equated to date rape. But, again, I digress. Although there’s not much more to tell, that’s the story of how we met,” said Schadenfreude.
“And,” said Discord, leaning against the prison cell door, “Why we spend every April first in the same cell, year after year.”
Schaden looked around the cell, not finding much of interest, or really any good follow up to having shared their story. So, he reached into a pocket, and pulled out a little plastic sphere. Offering it to Discord, he asked sweetly, "Silly Putty?"
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"Oh god it's in my ears! Why is it in my ears?!"