Chapter 3
“Hooah!” Guinness shouted happily as he soared over the Everfree Forest the next morning. He expected to see more ponies out enjoying the nice weather, but he was one of the few in the area.
The dark blue pegasus banked into a spiral that carried him down to the edge of the trees. He spotted the multicolored mare that had invited him out there. He landed next to her, stumbled forward, and fell face first into the dirt.
“I thought you said you were a good flyer?” Rainbow Dash laughed.
“For a person who learned yesterday!” Guinness retorted with a soil-encrusted smile.
“Yesterday was your very first day?” Dash looked at him disbelievingly. “What, do you have a flying problem like Scootaloo?”
“Who?” asked Guinness. “No, I don’t really think I have a problem flying. It’s the landings I have trouble with.” He smiled again.
Disguised beneath a nearby pile of leaves, Valiant let out a gagging noise. “Jesus, doesn’t he have any shame? I’ve been in this pony-filled country for months and getting it on with the locals has never crossed my mind.”
Beside him, Nova shrugged, “I don’t believe ‘getting it on’ has crossed my mind anywhere.”
Valiant gave the unicorn a look. “You’ve just got problems on top of problems, don’t you? If you’re so smart, how come you didn’t invent a sexbot?”
“What makes you think that I need one?” asked Nova, annoyed.
The orange pony stared at him for a moment before turning away. “Whatever. Gelding.”
“I HAVE FUNCTIONING TESTICLES!” screamed Nova, bursting from his hiding place and beginning to pummel Valiant.
Startled, Rainbow and Guinness watched the two ponies brawl, both the fighters continuing to throw insults at each other.
“The hell?” Guinness muttered. “Want to head further over the forest and away from these... idiots?”
“You’re not getting away that easily,” shouted Valiant, managing to hold Nova at bay long enough to pull the Party Cannon Mark III from where it had been hidden in another pile of leaves. “You shall taste the fury of this weapon!”
A sudden angry roar stopped all four ponies in their tracks. A giant black beast with the body of a dog and a strange surplus of heads burst from the trees.
“Oh cool,” Guinness said excitedly as he and Rainbow Dash took off into the air. “It looks like Cerberus from Greek mythology! Hey, you guys on the ground, have fun with fluffy!”
Cerberus’ three heads watched as the pair of pegasi flew away, then turned their attention to the ponies on the ground.
“How much do you want to bet that I can hit the giant dog and the two pegasi at once?” Valiant asked the unicorn next to him.
“I don’t have any money,” Nova stated, still watching the massive beast.
“Too bad,” Valiant shrugged as he pulled the firing mechanism on the cannon.
A thunderous boom echoed through the countryside and a canister shot of apples was sent hurtling towards Cerberus and the pegasi. Dozens of pieces of fruit hit the faces of the dog and a few hurtled past him to impact on Guinness and Rainbow Dash's backs. As they plummeted to the ground while Valiant cheered triumphantly, Cerberus let out a pained roar and started to rampage around blindly.
“I believe self preservation is in order,” Nova stated flatly as Cerberus came closer.
“Okay,” Valiant smiled. “You run at it and make a distraction while I run away and get help and maybe some solid ammunition for the cannon.”
“I don’t believe that’s a good idea,” Nova said, turning towards Valiant, but the earth pony was already out of earshot. Nova looked back at Cerberus and decided to join Valiant in his retreat.
Guinness was regaining consciousness and he looked around the forest, dazed. Next to him Rainbow Dash was still out cold.
“Oh damnit,” Guinness groaned. “I am going to kill those two.”
He lifted Dash onto his back and headed towards the edge of the forest. When he stepped into the clearing, a yellow pegasus stopped him. From the party, Guinness vaguely remembered her name was Fluttershy.
“Oh my,” she said. “What happened?”
“Anti air artillery,” he replied matter-of-factly as he laid Dash onto the ground.
The yellow pony tilted her head in confusion as he galloped away. Cerberus was now following the scent of the two ponies that had blinded him and he was heading straight for Ponyville. Guinness saw the cannon and kicked it into a deep puddle of mud.
“In your face Valiant,” the pegasus grinned as he followed after the rampaging animal.
Back in Ponyville, Twilight was about to commit murder.
“You did what!” She screamed at Valiant and Nova.
“Hey,” Valliant defended himself. “Had cannon, will use.”
“Did use,” corrected Nova.
“Its not like shooting a three-headed dog in the eyes is going to be the end of the world.” Valiant said, shrugging.
Cerberus came rampaging through town, following the scent of the two ponies who had done him wrong. While it’s debatable that the creature could actually be called “them” instead of “him”, the authors of the story wish to convey just how much they disregarded grammar in the pursuit of a kick-ass story.
“Not the end of the world!” shrieked Twilight. “If Cerberus isn’t guarding Tartarus, the world very well could end! Who knows what could escape from that place!”
“Twilight,” Valiant said reassuringly. “I think everything will be fine. You worry too-”
Before he could finish one of Cerberus’ heads exploded through the door, clamped down on Valiant’s tail, and dragged him outside. Twilight and Nova stared at the wrecked library entrance, at a loss for words.
Meanwhile in Canterlot, Princess Celestia had nearly reached the bottom of the pile of mail cluttering her inbox. It was almost tea time, and she wanted to get everything taken care of before then. In the box, she discovered a message from Twilight that had been written the previous day.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Two new stallions have appeared in Ponyville. They appear to be from the same world as Valiant. I’m not sure how to deal with this unusual situation, and I request your advice on the matter. All they want to do is fight each other.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Celestia thought for a moment and picked up her quill.
Twilight,
Unless a severe disturbance has occurred, I doubt that you cannot handle the situation. You may, in fact, leave these “humans” to their own devices in order to learn more about them. I’m sure that things will sort themselves out.
Your mentor,
Princess Celestia
The royal pony sent the letter away in a puff of magic. She didn’t anticipate Twilight to reply so quickly. The new letter that suddenly appeared was scribbled hastily and appeared to be singed around the edges.
Princess,
Left to their own devices, these three ponies lured Cerberus away from the gates of Tartarus, temporarily blinded all three heads with a hurricane of apples, tried to “kill it with fire”, and somehow managed to quickly build a giant kennel to keep the dog from doing any more damage.
Actually, that’s not the truth. I’m not sure what to believe anymore. These three are driving me insane.
Please send help.
Your student,
Twilight
Celestia facehoofed. This was sure to ruin her tea time.
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“Well, that was very interesting,” observed Nova.
“Speak for yourself,” muttered Valiant. “I think half my tail’s missing. I swear, if Rarity tries to ‘fix’ it, I’ll fix her.”
“Who’s Rarity?” asked Guinness.
“A fashion designer that lives in that house that looks like a carousel.” Valiant replied, “She’s kind of a bitch.”
“You say that about everypony,” Rainbow Dash pointed out as she turned to go.
“And you’re their Queen,” muttered Valiant as the multicolored pegasus flew away.
“Well anyway,” said Guinness, attempting to steer the conversation in a different direction. “Your tail is fine.”
“It doesn't feel fine.” Valiant swished his tail through the air to make sure everything worked.
“Where did Nova go?” Guinness asked, looking around the destruction.
“Over by Cerberus,” Valiant pointed towards the large dog that lay sleeping on the town outskirts. “He is studying it and doing science stuff.”
“Okay,” the pegasus shook his head. “I am just happy that yellow pony, Fluttershy, showed up when she did and calmed him down.”
“Yep,” Valiant nodded. “She tells me that he will be back to guarding the gates of hell shortly, two days at most. So how is your girlfriend feeling?”
“Oh she’s fine,” Guinness replied absentmindedly. “Just a little shaken- hey, she is not my girlfriend!”
“Yeah, you’re right. Rainbow’s a pony, so technically she’s your broodmare!” Valiant laughed.
Guinness glared at the earth pony, “I hate you.”
“You didn’t deny it!” Valiant looked both amused and sick. “You are actually planning on getting it on with a pony! Something is wrong with you.”
“Hey, I am a pony now too,” Guinness growled. “It’s not beastiality if you are one of them!”
Valiant shook his head, “Jesus, dig yourself in further, buddy. Just keep telling yourself that. But don’t expect me to babysit your kids.”
Guinness decided that the conversation was over and walked into the library. Valiant watched him go then decided to join Nova by Cerberus.
Inside the library Guinness found Twilight talking to herself by the window.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
Twilight turned towards him, a wide, twisted and crazed smile on her face. “I’m fine, perfectly fine.”
Guinness shrugged. “If you say so. Goodnight Twilight, see you tomorrow. Don’t kill me in my sleep please.”
He walked over to the pile of pillows that was his makeshift bed and fell asleep. Twilight turned her attention back to the window and continued having a conversation with herself.
Outside, Nova examined the blood sample he had collected from Cerberus under a small microscope. Valiant ambled up and looked over the yellow unicorn’s shoulder.
“Don’t try anything stupid.” Nova said, without looking away from the sample.
“What do you consider stupid?” Valiant shot back.
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe waking this thing up,” said Nova. “Not to make it sound too dramatic, but I believe that we all would have died if Fluttershy had not come along. I simply must look into this “stare” you mentioned.”
“You don’t want to look into the stare,” Valiant said with a smile.
Nova turned and looked at the pony behind him, unamused.
The orange stallion shrugged. “Just saying. Anyway, I’m going to go to bed a little early tonight. Don’t stay up too late playing with fluffy.” He wandered into the library.
Nova felt like ignoring the earth pony out of spite, but knew that a good night’s rest was vital to keeping him more intelligent than anyone else. He, too, retired for the day.
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The morning sun was pleasant, and it found the occupants of the library in good spirits. Even Twilight had managed to calm down and stop her incoherent mumbling for a while.
That, of course, was before they all found out about the monsters of Tartarus escaping.
“WORST POSSIBLE THING!” screamed Twilight, her voice trailing off into a faint giggle. Her eye twitched and an insane smile spread over her face. “Okay everypony, we need to build a giant mousetrap just outside the town. Once all the monsters get there, we’ll set it off.”
“What do we use for bait?” asked Valiant, playing along.
“I say we use Nova,” Guinness stated flatly.
“First of all, I don’t think a mousetrap would work,” the yellow unicorn protested. “Second of all, I don’t find it in the interests of self preservation to be used as bait. I could be killed.”
“That is exactly why I volunteered you.” A crooked smile played across the pegasus’ face.
“I could use the Party Cannon Mark III to hold them off until help arrives,” Valiant chimed in. “All I have to do I retrieve it from the spot where I left it last.”
“And dig it out of a deep pit of mud,” Guinness chuckled.
“Pit of mud?” Valiant asked.
“Uh-huh, a pit of mud.” The pegasus backed away in preparation for Valiant’s vengeance.
“Twilight,” Valiant said, turning to the purple mare. “I like your mousetrap idea, but we are using Guinness as bait instead.”
“I second that notion,” Nova put in.
“I’ll go get your cannon,” Guinness groaned. The blue pony left the library and headed towards where the cannon had been left. The citizens of Ponyville ran everywhichway, terrified of the approaching horde of escaped prisoners of Tartarus.
“Don’t mind me,” Guinness mumbled to himself as he passed a group of half scorpion, half pony monsters chasing several villagers. “I’m just a simple pony going to get a weapon to kill you all.”
He reached the mud and struggled to pull the cannon free but his attempts failed and It remained fixed in the mire. A scream caught his attention and he turned to witness two familiar mares being cornered by five pony skeletons. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy quivered with fear as the monsters creaked closer.
Guinness knew he had to get the cannon out of the mud but he flew over to help them in a flurry of speed crashing into all five of the skeletal ponies, which crumbled on impact.
“If there is one thing Skyrim has taught me,” Guinness exclaimed triumphantly. “Skeletons are very easy to destroy!”
As he turned his head in the direction of Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, Guinness asked, “You alright?”
The only response he got was a rib-crushing hug from both of the ponies.
“You saved us!” Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy cried simultaneously.
‘Why am I not this good with the ladies back when I was a human?’ Guinness thought to himself. ‘Eh, probably because none of them needed saving.’
He looked at the only showing part of the cannon, the tip of the barrel, and shrugged. “Screw the cannon, lets get back to town.”
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Two hours later, Guinness found himself strapped to a giant mousetrap.
“I wonder if they will start a church of Guinness after my role as martyr?” the blue pegasus wondered aloud.
“There’s no need,” said Nova. “God doesn’t care, nor does he exist.”
“I will break free of this trap just to rip your tongue out of your face!” Guinness screamed.
“S’all right dude, I got this,” said Valiant. He smacked Nova hard in the face. “The power of Christ compels you!”
“I only feel a little better,” Guinness growled. “Seeing as I am still IN A TRAP AND ABOUT TO DIE!”
“Oh look,” Valiant exclaimed cheerfully. “Hellspawn! Keep screaming and attract more.”
The first wave of evil monsters began pouring into the area. Guinness’ eyes went wide as the twisted abominations wandered closer. He turned to see if his ex-human comrades were still around but found himself to be the only pony in the area.
“Well buck me,” he muttered to himself, using an expression Rainbow had taught him. “It has been a good run but now you are about to die in a world full of magical talking ponies and buck-ugly-demon-monsters. This should be in a book.”
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Valiant and Nova were working on robots in the meantime.
”I’ve got beaucoup experience with this,” said the orange pony. “Stand aside.”
The unicorn stared at him. “First, since when do you speak French? Second, you have gained all that experience with shoddy designs. Third, we don’t have time to follow this so-called Princess Celestia’s orders.” The pony ruler had stopped by for a quick chat after the two stallions abandoned Guinness at the mousetrap.
Valiant shrugged. “She asked us to solve the problem of the whole demons-pouring-out-of-Hell thing. I’m just working with what I know best - hardware.”
The other pony glared at him. “Just to prove to you that there is no Hell, I’ll go along with this idea. I’m better at software and design.”
The earth pony stared at his colleague. “I’m listening.”
“You could have improved the designs some, and I have far superior knowledge in electronics.” the unicorn said as he pointed to a few places on the blueprints.
Valiant thought about that for a moment. “Okay...”
“Can I propose a temporary truce?” asked the unicorn. “We work together to build better equipment.”
“As long as we can go back to hurting each other afterwards,” said Valiant.
Nova nodded. “Deal.”
There was a distant SNAP from the giant mousetrap. Both ponies looked at each other and laughed.
“I didn’t expect that to work!” Valiant laughed. “Maybe we should push Twilight to the edge of insanity more often.”