//------------------------------// // [1] Smooth McRealSmooth // Story: Of Brain and Bronze // by Chuck Norris //------------------------------// A/N: This story is set in the Equestria as defined by one Rust, and continued by one Black Wing and one Tamara Bloodhoof, among others. I simply could not resist hopping on the bandwagon, as this bandwagon is a seriously stretched limousine that's been through Pimp My Ride and back. As Luna would say, "THE LUXURY HAS BEEN DOUBLED!!". ~~~"Introductions"~~~ Dear Reader, Howdy. Name's Bronze Brand, and I'm in jail. Now, while I didn't kill anyone, the blind eyes of Justice thought I did. I was wrongfully charged with the murder of a buffalo and theft, as well. Apparently, anyone who is not a pony is guilty of any crime that can be thought up. I thought that here, in Equestria, that wouldn't happen. But I was wrong. Even though the mane six had supposedly cleared up the problems with racism here in Appleloosa, they had come right back. The cells around me were filled with buffalo, and I was the only minotaur. But I've got to stop writing, something big is coming up. Something real big. I'll catch ya on the flipside. Sincerely, Bronze. I was always a careful and intelligent kid, far more so than I had reason to be. I'd even learned Krav Maga and Seven-Star Mantis kung-fu, as a form of self-defense, because I figured that, as a nerd, I'd be a target for bullies. But I didn't have any trouble at school, aside from the typical name-calling. And even then, it wasn't that bad, nothing that actually hurt my feelings. It's just that I learned quickly to not bother trying to become friends with anyone. It would either backfire, or end up badly for them, and I didn't want that. So when, in my sophomore year of high school, I discovered My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, I didn't really have anyone to talk about it to. I also had no care for what many of my peers had to say, so I proudly wore "pony swag." Then we got a new kid, and I expected everyone to pick on her, because that's just what they do to new bloods. But it didn't happen. Not on the first day, not on the second, nor even on the third. Everyone just ignored her, including the teachers. Acted like she didn't exist at all. And so one day, I walked up to her to start a conversation. I figured that if no one else would even look at her, she wouldn't have any reason not to talk to me, right? The expected word here would be, "wrong", but that would actually be wrong. No, she started right up on the conversation as well, pointing at my shirt and asking why, exactly, I had a pony on there. That was as expected. "Because she is best pony, of course." I answered, fully expecting her to not get why I said that. But then I had my mind purely fucking blown. "Silly filly, that doesn't look like Pinkie Pie!" She said, in an absolutely perfect imitation of the party pony's voice. My brain kind of just melted, at that point, but I managed to keep up the conversation. "Ahh, so you're one of us. Glad to know that I'm not alone here." I said, not really meaning to sound pathetic, but doing a darn good job of it. "Aww, poor guy. Only brony here? Well, I know a place where there are a lot of them! It's called Equestria, would you like to go there?" She asked, still using that oddly accurate Pinkie Pie voice, and in such a serious tone I almost believed her. "Bahahaha, that's a good one! Go to Equestria. Come on, it's a cartoon world full of colorful pastel ponies, for Christ's sake!" I exclaimed, rather loudly. I surreptitiously looked around, making sure no one was listening, and it didn't appear so. "I'm completely serious! Just because you don't want to go doesn't mean you have to be a mean mean meaniepants about it." The girl said, so well she did the impression of Pinkie Pie that I could almost hear the cotton candy mane deflate, and my heart nigh on broke at how sad she sounded. "Well, a free trip to Equestria, you say? Why not!" I said, changing my tune. Hopefully she wouldn't be so sad. I didn't want this girl to be sad, ever. It seemed like being sad was completely against her nature, and I had just done that. "I hope you like what you become when you get there, and have a super duper fun time!" She said, and I almost thought it was fake, again, until she kissed me on the lips and the remains of my brain fell apart. I passed out, thinking, 'Great job, a girl kisses you and you pass out, not to mention she's the only pegasister you're likely to ever meet. Wait, what did she s-?' ~~~"Awakening"~~~ Like it has been described so many times, waking up from being knocked out is slow and tedious. But for me, it wasn't painful, as I had been knocked out by a first kiss. Not very impressive, huh? But anyway, on to slow and tedious. The very first thing I was aware of was the fact that I felt... bigger, to say the least. Much, much taller, to be sure. I mean, I had been tall, to a lot of the kids in my class. But now I felt positively gigantic. Basic sensation aside, I became aware of the fact that my mouth felt strange, and long. Almost like a snout. Is it possible? Was I really sent to Equestria? I began to hope, but Ration and Logic, the two most pessimistic of shoulder-beings, jumped in saying, "Yo, dumbass! Of course not! Equestria ain't real!" They chorused. I ignored them, focusing on breathing, and working my way around my body. Taking a deep breath, I again took note of my elongated mouth. Then, I focused on the rest of my head. I'd discovered the snout, but hadn't actually paid attention to the signals my nerves were sending me. I was thirsty as a racehorse that had just won the Kentucky fucking Derby. That would have to wait until I knew if I could even walk, though. I tried to lift my head up, but it was too heavy. Like there were great weights attached to the sides of my head. I opened my eyes, only to snap them shut and instinctively bring a hand up to block the bright sun that invaded my retinas. And yes, I had hands. So I was not a pony, good to know. Luckily, now Optimisim showed up, and said, "Hey, don't worry, there are lots of creatures in Equestria that technically have hands. Like Diamond Dogs, Griffins, and Minotaurs. You might very well be-" Here Optimism received a Falcon Punch in the face by Ration, and a straight-up kick to the babymakers by Logic. It was rather well-coordinated, I do have to say. Props aside, I had had enough of their antics, and imagined them simply poofing away. It worked, and I was finally alone with my thoughts. So, now I knew I had hands. I flexed them, repeatedly, and discovered that I only had three fingers and a thumb. Either someone had chopped my pinkies off, or I was in Equestria. I chose to go with the latter, still feeling the effects of Optimism's sudden appearance. Continuing on with my survey of my own body, I tried lifting my arms up. It was easy enough, and I was glad to get some movement down pat. I figured I was on a roll, now, so I thought I'd work my way down. I did. My legs felt all wrong, like someone had taken a jackhammer to them, followed by a steamroller. Not the pain, but just the positioning of bones and muscles. It all felt off. My feet and thighs were too long, and my shin was far too short. I had the feeling that if I was standing up, I'd be on my tiptoes. Almost how a horse's hooves were like really large toes... Here I paused, expecting an outburst from Ration and Logic, but they stayed down. Good. They were out of my hair. Speaking of which, as I ran my new hand across my new forehead, my hair had stayed the same. Midlength, and shaggy. Then I felt around the exterior of my head and my hands came across some large, bone-like structures that were jutting out from my bovine skull. Horns? HORNS? FUCK YEAH. I was ecstatic, I mean, a minotaur? That's just, awesome. Badass. More buff than Snowflake, and still bipedal. I had thumbs, so I could grab things without learning how to do whatever ponies did... I mean, what do they do? Hoof magnets? I'd have to ask Twilight that one... Provided I was anywhere near Ponyville. Who knew if I was even in Equestria? I'd read plenty of fanfics where Equestria wasn't a planet, but a province. A very large, profitable one, but still not the entire world. Okay, now to make a checklist that would make Twilight proud! Or barf. Either one. 1. Find out where in Equestria (Or the world) I am. 2. Find civilization. 3. Befriend ponies everywhere with my charm and cunning. 4. ... 5. Uh... Yeah I'm already out of things to do. Fuck. Well, I got that out of the way, at least. Time to open my eyes again. "GODDAMMIT CELESTIA!" I exclaimed as my pupils shrunk to pinpricks. I really should have thought that through better. I closed my eyes and shielded them with my hand once more, and then tried sitting up. Good, it worked. And now that I was at least sort of awake, thank you Trollestia, I could lift my head under my neck's own power. I licked my lips, which caused me to remember just how parched I was. And how hot it was here. Wherever here is. I slowly opened my eyes again, looking at the ground, and was greeted with cracked desert sand. Well... that explains the heat and blazing inferno of sun. I slowly but surely stood up, wobbling and nearly falling at the clumsy weight distribution. To my brain, this was like balancing on a tightrope while riding a unicycle over a lava pit, after looking down. My balance had never been the best, and now my brain was having to cope with walking on tiptoes. Granted, my new body made it much easier, but it was still a difficult transition. After learning how to walk again, and many faceplants, I finally took note of where I was. There was a long tan plain, stretching all around me in all directions, with blowing sand clouds flying along the ground. I'd seen it before. In the episode where the ponies went to... "Appleloosa!" I exclaimed, waving my hands in the air for effect. Come on, you know you've done it. So, I could check number one off. Time to find Appleloosa, or whatever town I was near, if I was close to one. I inspected the horizon closely, turning in a near 360 degree circle, my eyes settling on what appeared to be apple trees in the distance, and a cluster of buildings beside it. My heart almost leapt out of my chest. Sweet, delicious, apples! Without anything else to do, I trudged towards the hazy trees, with them slowly becoming clearer and more defined, along with the buildings near them. The apples were shining, literally. Like they were polished as soon as they grew. There were a few ponies bucking them down, as I arrived. There went number two. Nopony had seemed to notice I was there, yet, and so I simply picked an apple from a tree and bit into it. It felt like some sort of apple goddess had just frenched me. Delicious, absolutely magnificent. The juice ran down my parched throat, and before I knew it, the entire apple, core and all, was gone and I had a fresh one in my hand. I stood there and ate almost an entire apple tree before I realized that... "Howdy there pardner. Those there are our apple trees, ya hear? You'll either have to pay for them apples, or come with us." A rather stereotypical gruff cowboy voice said from behind me. I slowly turned, and was met with all the ponies that had been bucking apples. Number 3... Yeah that one got a similar treatment to Optimism's beatdown. Fuck. I mean, really? I leave Earth, where the worst I get is name calling, and in Equestria is where I am threatened with physical violence, for Celestia's sake. "Yeah, uh, I don't have any bits on me-" I began, but was cut off by the pony that had spoken before. "Well then, we've got quite the little problem, don't we?" He said, a rich moustache slightly obscuring his words. I noticed that the rest of the stallions and mares had formed a ring around me, with the tree to my back. I pressed myself up against it, since it was the only nonhostile entity I knew of. I prepared myself for a fight, but knew that I wouldn't be able to do much. I was still far too unused to my body to be fighting anypony. "Round 'im up!" The stallion said, and lassos that I hadn't noticed twirling shot out at me, snaring me in their grasp. The ponies dragged me into Appleloosa, and I watched as building after wooden building went by, the dust from the ponies hooves getting in my eyes and annoying the fuck out of me at the same time. By the time we reached the building labeled "Appleloosa Jail", my eyes were watering profusely and I had to sneeze. Luckily, I did so right as the stallion from earlier chose to get into my face and be a menacing douchebag. Rather than say what he had been about to, he simply turned around and bucked me into my cell, my back arching when I hit the wall and my head slumping downwards as I hit the cot that was pressed up against the wall.. "Sit tight in here, and we'll come get ya when your trial is set up. If, your trial is set up." I was told with a sneer, and I simply curled up on the cot, facing away from everything. This was not what I had expected from Equestria, at all.