Twilight the Third

by MagnetBolt

Double Fake! - The Night at the Museum

There are three kinds of criminals.

Rubbish criminals steal rubbish things like purses and cash registers from liquor stores and never achieve more than having their mugshots appear in the Canterlot Times somewhere around page six, buried so deep that they might as well share the page with dinosaur bones and pirate booty (excepting for Shivery Timbers, whose booty only appears in Playcolt and deserves at least a two-page spread).

Sophisticated criminals made sure that there wasn't enough evidence to have their mugshot appear in the paper. They quietly made their dirty money without causing a ripple in the fabric of society, and unlike the previous type of criminal, they got invited to rub elbows with even worse dangers to society like politicians and merchant bankers.

The third type of criminal, the type of criminal that Twilight Sparkle was, was a great criminal. They stole things that didn't just have values measured with bits in a ledger, they had titles and history. Great criminals not only left evidence, they left calling cards to make sure that when they appeared in the paper, it was on the front page under very exciting headlines, like artists taking credit for their masterpieces.

That was why she was currently standing on the ceiling of the Trottingham Modern Art museum, looking up (from her perspective - down from the perspective of anyone not under a reverse gravity spell) at one of the most aggressively ugly things she'd ever decided to steal.

Whinnyinstein's Symphony in Pink was, as the name did not imply at all, a sculpture in the loosest sense of the word, made from ruined paint brushes, twine, and scraps of canvas (none of it pink). Apparently it was supposed to represent the debris left in the wake of creation. Or something like that. Highly-paid art critics said that it was an expression of frustration and melancholy. Smart ones knew that Whinnyinstein had bills to pay and that the sculpture looked an awful lot like the contents of his garbage can.

"Guard patrol coming through in twenty seconds," said her partner's voice from the earring in her left ear. Twilight froze in place. A beam of light cut through the gallery from a flashlight as the security guard walked without any haste from one end of the room to the other, never looking up at where she was hiding in the shadows.

"He's gone," her partner reported. "Should be another ten minutes before he's back here, even if he goes the short way."

"More than enough time," Twilight whispered. She started taking the slim silk rope from her saddlebags.

"Explain to me again why we're stealing this thing?" Her partner sighed. "There's no way it's worth anything on the black market. No gems, no gold..."

"It's art, Gilda," Twilight sighed. "It's worth ten million to the right collector. With a decent fence we can dump it for a million before ponies even know it's missing."

"It's just a bunch of sticks," Gilda muttered.

"Leave the art appreciation to me," Twilight retorted, as she cancelled the gravity spell on her rope, letting it drop down towards the sculpture. "Cause I'm gonna appreciate this all the way to the bank!"

"A forgery," Twilight grumbled, putting her head down on the bar, a mistake that she instantly regretted. The place was the cheap, rough kind that wouldn't kick her out and which they could afford with their lightened wallets. The bar hadn't been cleaned in a long time, and parts of her mane stuck to it and peeled away with a disgusting sound.

"At least it was a high-quality forgery," Gilda smirked. "You couldn't even tell the difference."

"It's insulting!" Twilight said, slamming back her glass of hard cider. "It's like stealing from a fellow thief!"

"You do that all the time," Gilda noted, finishing her own glass and waving to the bartender to bring two more.

"Yes, but I do it to thieves I don't like," Twilight retorted. "This is different. I like me. I'd never steal from me."

"Maybe next time you'll listen to me and we'll go after something actually worth a few bits, like the Star of Canterlot."

"That stone is cursed," Twilight snorted. "Every thief that has gotten their hooves on it has died in a week."

"How about the Idol of Borealis?"

"It's a myth."

"The Equestrian Crown Jewels."

"They're being worn by a literal goddess."

"Sounds like you two need some... inspiration," said a sultry voice from the other side of the bar. Gilda groaned as Twilight's ears perked up, swiveling towards the refined tones. "Perhaps I can be of assistance?"

"Rarity!" Twilight grinned, the white unicorn trotting over and almost glowing in the gloom of the bar, so much cleaner than everyone and everything else in the room that the dirt almost seemed to flee before her like a vampony fleeing the dawn. "I haven't seen you since that thing in Trotuga!"

"Where she stole our boat," Gilda grumbled.

"You got another boat," Rarity shrugged, smiling as she trotted over, holding the drinks Gilda had ordered. The regular bartender was nowhere to be seen, the demure unicorn having apparently replaced him when they weren't looking. "Don't hold it against me, darlings, I just had a sudden need to take a trip."

"With all our money, and no return ticket. Come on, Twilight, you were just saying how much you hate thieves that steal from you," Gilda urged. "Tell her to get lost."

"Maybe we should give her a chance," Twilight said, blushing as Rarity leaned over the bar and pecked her cheek.

"If you really hate thieves that steal from you, I might happen to know where the real Symphony in Pink is," Rarity whispered, fluttering her eyelashes at Twilight. "You're taking all the blame, but it was stolen last week... if the rumors are right."

"Let me guess, you want us to go and steal it back," Gilda said, with the expression of someone sucking on a lemon while their friend was kissing the lemon tree and saying how great and sweet the fruit was. It was, admittedly, a very specialized expression.

"Oh yes, that would be lovely," Rarity said, smiling at the bird. "Though I'm afraid there's not much time. You see, it's currently at an auction house. After tonight, it could be halfway around the world."

"After tonight?!" Gilda snapped. "No way. That's not nearly enough time to plan anything out."

"Oh, but Twilight, you've got such a big, smart brain," Rarity pouted, turning away to look at the bottles, bringing down an expensive bottle of scotch to pour herself a small glass. "You know how much I admire that in a mare. Intelligence can be so attractive, don't you agree?" Her tail swished from side to side as she spoke, Twilight's eyes following it.

"Very attractive," Twilight nodded.

"I'm sure you can think of something and we could split the profits. Say, fifty-fifty?" Rarity turned around, smiling sweetly.

"No way," Gilda frowned. "Twilight, we can't work with her. She'll just ditch us as soon as we have the sculpture!"

"Come on, Gilda, it's fair," Twilight said.

"Sixty-forty," Rarity offered. "I might need your help with this, but you wouldn't even have a job without this information, and isn't revenge worth throwing a few bits my way?"

"Fine," Gilda huffed, looking displeased. "But when this bites you on the flank, don't come crying to me."

"I was hoping Twilight would be my date," Rarity pouted. "At least I can get her to wear a dress."

"Be happy about the suit," Gilda retorted. She adjusted her tie anyway, aware of the attention she was getting as the only griffon in the room. Her suit was ruffled and creased from disuse. Twilight's plans rarely had her act as a face. Usually she was busy being the muscle instead.

She liked being the muscle. She didn't have to smile at the idiots around her.

"So what is her plan?" Rarity asked, while Gilda poured herself a drink from the buffet table at the back of the room. A few ponies were already in their seats in front of the stage, but the rest were milling around, probably trying to get a feel for how the others would bid. The auction house was plush and ornate, with the same kind of decor as an opera house. Everything was draped in velvet (expensive looking, but Rarity had whispered quietly after looking at it closely and declared that it was cheap material that she'd never use herself) and lined with gold details, even the decorative statues and gilded flowers - including lilies, ironically.

"You know Twilight," Gilda shrugged. "She's got some plan that I couldn't understand without stealing a PhD first."

"I didn't think you could steal those," Rarity raised an eyebrow.

"She put herself through college by breaking into Canterlot University's records department and marking her own bills as being paid. First thing she ever stole was her education."

"Oh yes," Rarity mumbled. "As I recall she mentioned there was something with a dragon that kept her from devoting herself to higher education..."

"Yeah," Gilda said, downing a glass of bourbon in one gulp. "Not bad. They've got the good stuff here, and-" She stopped as she saw somepony else walk in, and her eyes went wide as she shifted towards the wall, talons reaching for the small folding crossbow she had concealed under her jacket.

Rarity's hoof touched the crook of her elbow, making the motion look more like she was leading the elegant unicorn somewhere instead of grabbing for a weapon.

"Not now," Rarity hissed.

"That's Shark Puncher!" Gilda growled, her beak barely moving when she spoke. "He's part of the Trotski Mafia!" The big earth pony stallion had an eye patch that only made his remaining eye work twice as hard at being squinty and enraged at everything it saw.

"Darling, this is an auction for, among other things, stolen art," Rarity said. "What were you expecting, chartered accountants?"

"Shark Puncher swore a death oath on Twilight after the thing with the... well, with the shark," Gilda said. She could see that he was still walking with a limp, and that his jacket didn't entirely cover up the scars from when his pet had started to nibble on him.

"She'll have to be careful, then," Rarity said, unconcerned. "Come, then, let's take our seats."

Twilight stood on the roof of the auction house. It didn't look like much from the outside, just some noble's summer home. With very few windows on the first floor. And a secure wall around it. And guards who were extremely well trained.

All of that may sound suspicious - it is, for anypony who's entirely legitimate. However, you didn't get to own a summer home if you were an entirely legitimate type of person.

Up close, though, Twilight was impressed. Somepony had paid a lot of money to make the place secure.

"You'd have to be some kind of master thief to get into a pad like this," Twilight noted, as she quietly walked to a chimney. It was, of course, barred at the top to keep people (and birds) from getting in. She tested the bars quickly, and found them to be very secure.

"Bars made of thunderforged steel to keep spells from working on them," she said with approval. "And installed using bolts made of the cheapest recycled steel from Phillydelphia." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Ponies really do need to be more detail-oriented if they're so worried about security."

The bolts glowed with a pink light as they started spinning themselves free.

"...Our next item is an exquisitely cut astral diamond," the auctioneer said, as two strong (and visibly armed) ponies brought out a black velvet tray with the sparkling gem in the center. "It has been rated as a near-flawless gem with exceptional clarity and is graded as colorless. It has a weight of one hundred and eight carats..."

"That's a feathering huge gem," Gilda whispered.

"That's not an astral diamond," Rarity noted, as bids around them climbed into seven and then eight digit sums. "It's just quartz and some glamours. The real one must be in a safe."

"I'm surprised you're not bidding on it," Gilda said.

"On a gem that I haven't even seen?" Rarity scoffed at the thought. "Don't be silly. What would I do with it, anyway? Wear it around town? I don't have the bits or a buyer."

"And Twilight already has one lined up for the Symphony," Gilda noted.

"Exactly," Rarity smiled. "It's a sure bet. Now, after we sell it, maybe I'll use some of that cash to get something dazzling for myself. Surely you can understand. I know griffons have a certain weakness for shiny things."

"Only stupid ones," Gilda said, finally breaking her gaze from the glamoured crystal. "Smart ones know that steel is worth a lot more than gold in the long run."

"Sold for twenty seven million bits," the auctioneer said, slamming her gavel down. "As with all other items, as soon as the funds are in the escrow account, we will release the astral diamond to you."

Ponies whispered amongst themselves as the diamond was escorted out of the room.

"Next, we have a unique piece of art," the auctioneer smiled. "Some of you may have heard that it was stolen last night. Well, here it is, the Symphony in Pink," she said, as the wooden sculpture was wheeled out on stage. "Given how much exposure this has had in the papers, I'm sure you all know its history already. I'll open the bidding at-"

"One hundred million bits!" Yelled a voice from the back of the room. Rarity's eye twitched.

"Twilight?" She hissed, looking back, as Twilight Sparkle strutted down the center row, wearing a red jacket. Part of Rarity was more offended that she hadn't at least worn the green one. The green jacket was of much higher quality.

"Actually, I don't think I brought my wallet," Twilight said, touching her jacket pockets apologetically, as if looking for something. "But I'll be taking that sculpture anyway. I stole it fair and square!"

"I've been waiting for this," Shark Puncher roared, as he stood up. "Twilight!"

"Oh, hey, Punchy. You healed up better than I expected!" Twilight smiled. "Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'll just take care of this and then you can get back to your auction."

Twilight blinked onto the stage in a flash of teleportation magic and grabbed the statue, a point-blank bolt of magic knocking one of the guards out as he lunged for her. She turned for the door and was stopped very suddenly by a hoof to the face.

"I'm gonna feed you to the fishes," Shark Puncher said, grinning widely, just before a crossbow bolt hit him in the neck and wiped the smile off his face, putting him on the floor and rolling around in pain. He'd be screaming, but the bolt made that difficult and so he was mostly gurgling while his bodyguard tried to remember first aid for being shot in the throat.

"Twilight, you idiot!" Gilda yelled. "This was your plan?!"

Ponies, when given any reason at all, are prone to panic and run around in circles. This was definitely one of those times. They ran for the exits, guards trying to get past them and causing them to pile up.

"I didn't plan on being punched in the nose!" Twilight complained. "I think I'm bleeding!"

"We need to get out of here!" Gilda said, grabbing her hoof and pulling it away from her nose. It was bleeding a little.

"What about the-"

"Forget the stupid thing!" Gilda yelled. Instead of going for the exits the other ponies were aiming for, she led her backstage and up a flight of stairs to the first visible window. "I can't believe you bungled it this badly!"

"You don't even know what my plan is-"

"Was," Gilda corrected. "Your plan is over, my plan now." She grabbed a decorative table worth a month's pay for the average pony and threw it through the window before picking Twilight up and jumping out into the night, wings flapping as she struggled for altitude with the added weight of the unicorn.

"What about Rarity?" Twilight asked, looking back to the manor, her struggling making Gilda almost lose her grip.

"Huh?" Gilda looked down, not seeing Rarity anywhere. "Tartarus. She's probably doing the smart thing and waiting with the crowd. They don't know she was with you."

"We should go back and look for her!" Twilight protested.

"That nag can take care of herself!" Gilda yelled.

"Oh, darlings, what took you so long?" Rarity smiled, as Twilight and Gilda walked into their hotel room. They hadn't even told Rarity they'd rented a room there. It was across town from the bar they'd met at, under different names, and the door had been locked when they left. None of which had stopped her.

"I told you she'd get out safe," Gilda snorted, motioning at the unicorn with a talon and shoving Twilight towards her.

"I was starting to get worried," Rarity said. "You should have been back hours ago."

"I had to make a few stops," Twilight smirked. She set down a box and opened the top, revealing the Symphony in Pink.

"What?!" Rarity gasped. "But how? I saw you leave it in the auction hall!"

"That was the decoy that was left in the museum," Twilight said. "I switched them before they even brought it out to the stage and gave the real Symphony to a courier to have it shipped across town. Not that you ever cared about the Symphony in Pink."

"That's hardly fair, Twilight," Rarity pouted. "You know I like getting paid."

"You've already been paid for this," Twilight said. "You stole it from the museum in the first place and put it up for auction."

"What?" Gilda blinked. "Why would she do that?"

"Because my lovely Rarara here needed a distraction," Twilight smiled and walked over to the fuming white unicorn, hugging her. "She's a very clever pony, but she does have a weakness." She kissed Rarity's hoof.

Twilight pulled away, smiling and revealing a glittering gem in her mouth.

"The astral diamond," Gilda sighed.

"A lady enjoys the nicer things in life," Rarity huffed. "Do you know how that would look with a nice black lace dress, some navy blue silk..."

"The whole thing was just a distraction so she could snatch the rock, huh?" Gilda asked. Twilight tossed her the gem and she caught it, looking at the stone. "I should have known she was too dismissive when I asked her about it. Let me guess, she even invited Shark Puncher just to make sure there'd be a scene."

"I needed enough of one to cause a stampede so I could go to the back and crack the safe," Rarity said. "Security was high during the auction, but once the panic started they had to focus on crowd control."

"Cute," Gilda rolled her eyes. "Well, how do we split up the diamond? Have it cut into smaller gems?"

"No!" Rarity gasped, grabbing it with her magic and cradling it protectively against her chest like a foal. "How could you talk about harming such a beautiful, flawless gem? I'm going to keep it just like this."

"It would look beautiful on you," Twilight agreed. "Especially if you weren't wearing anything else except socks-" She stopped as Rarity threw a glass of water at her. "Temper temper!"

"I'll let you girls have the Symphony," Rarity said, trotting towards the door and looking offended. "I have what I want."

"Twilight, you can't just let her walk out of here with that thing!" Gilda grabbed for her crossbow, and Twilight sighed and touched her talon, pushing her aim away from Rarity.

"Let her go," Twilight said, watching Rarity leave. "She's probably not going to be too happy when she gets home. The glamour on that thing is only temporary, after all."

"The glamour-" Gilda looked confused, then she smiled widely. "You gave her the fake stone they were showing at the auction."

"I had more than enough time to nab it," Twilight smirked. "Meanwhile, we've got the real diamond right here."

She reached into her jacket and pulled out a chunk of clear quartz.

"Right... here?" Twilight blinked. "She switched the stones?!" Frowning, she reached into her other pocket. "And she took my wallet, too! Damnit, Rarity! Get back here!"