//------------------------------// // When Aliens attack // Story: Planet Express's Package Pony // by MrAquino //------------------------------// In Planet Express's Lounge room, Fry, Bender, and Derpy laid back on the couch. Fry held a can of Slurm, Bender, a can of beer, and Derpy, with, yet, another muffin. The door opened and Hermes entered "What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost!?" He exclaimed "Get to work, you lazy boat bag!" He rolls up some paper he held and hit Bender's head with it. Fry chuckled, but Hermes hits him. Derpy chuckled, putting on Bender as protection. "Ow! Hey, quit it, Hermes." Fry said "It's Labor Day." "Labor Day!? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?" "That's the one." "Hot damn, a day off!" He took off his jacket & shirt sits with the three. Bender hands him a beer. The rest of the staff walk in wearing & carrying various things; Zoidberg wore an old-fashioned green striped swimsuit & a lobster rubber ring around his waist; Amy wore a pink bikini and carries a fold-up chair; Leela wore a green swimsuit and carried a picnic bag; Farnsworth carried a red parasol and wore 3/4-length shorts, though he still wears his lab coat and slippers "Who's up for one last summer beach trip?" Leela asked. Bender and Hermes leap up. "Aw, yeah!" Bender cheered "Ready, Freddy!" Hermes added, unzipping his trousers, revealing he was wearing swimming trunks underneath. "Whoo! Sexy Lifeguards!" Derpy added, pulling out both sunscreen and sunglasses. "Eh, I think I'll just stay here." Fry said, enthusiastically "Fry," Leela scold "you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world." She walks between him and the TV., but Fry peers around her. "But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world!" "...Can't argue with that." Derpy said. Leela sighsed "Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores." She said. "Not covered!" Fry retorted "Just get in the car." Leela drove the crew across the desert in a dark blue convertible. With her in the front are Farnsworth, Derpy, and Fry, who took off his red jacket and swapped it for red shorts. Amy, Hermes and Zoidberg sit in the back while Bender laid across the three of them. They arrived at the Beach. Leela parked in the packed car park and the crew gotout.] "Ah, here we are: Monument Beach!" Farnsworth said. Derpy and Fry gazed at the beach; People climbed the Great Sphinx of Giza alongside it is St. Peter's Tower, the White House, Randy's Donuts, many Moai of Easter Island, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Mount Rushmore.] "Wait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower of Pisa?" Fry asked "I didn't know they were both in New York!" "What about the small ones from Las Vegas?" Derpy asked. Leela unpacked some things from trunk "They are now." She replied to Fry "In the 2600's, New Yorkers elected a super-villain governor, and he stole most of the world's monuments." "Truly a great man." Bender added "Look at him up there." He points up at the super-villain and whistles. The governor's head has been carved into the mountain next to the other presidents' heads. Derpy then pulled out some blueprints herself and wrote something down. "Steal...stolen...monuments." On the Beach, Leela lies on a sunbed and picks up a tube of Tanning Butter from the arm. She squeezes some onto her legs and hums as she rubs it in. Zoidberg, meanwhile, picks up a chunk of real butter and rubs it across his head and groans. Hermes walks across in front of Zoidberg, Amy and Leela with a metal detector. It beeps rapidly. "Aha!" He exclaimed, putting the metal detector down and dug in the sand. "Found you!" Bender's head pops up from the sand. "OK, now you go hide." He said. Hermes puts the trowel down and hands Bender the metal detector and runs off. Bender throws the metal detector away and chuckles. "Nice knowin' you." He runs to a sunbed, picks up a drink and closes his eyes. Derpy opened his chest and looked around. "Did we win?" She asked "Yep." "YAY!!!" Farnsworth and Zoidberg 'battled' Amy and Leela in a beach volleyball game, with Derpy recording the action. Amy passed the ball to Leela and she hits it over the net. It hits Farnsworth on the head and knocks him over with a groan. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns and throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth stands up. "Come on, Zoidberg!" Farnsworth yelled "I passed it right to you." Zoidberg scoffs. "I've had it with this game!" He said "I'm going for a scuttle!" He crouches down and scuttles into the water. "...I guess the ladies win!" Derpy announced. Leela is back on her sunbed, Derpy resting on her head, as Bender is on his. "OK, everyone, come and get it!" Bender announced. He opens his door; it was a grill and there are a couple of cooked burgers on a wire rack. He takes one out and puts it in a bun and hands it to Fry. Fry takes a bite. "Ah, just like my dad used to make," Fry said "until McDonald's fired him." "Bite my red-hot glowing ass." Bender replied. Smoke rose from behind him. "Wait a minute. Red-hot glowing ass?" He turns around and sees his red-hot glowing ass. He turns back to Fry. "I'll be right back!" He stood up and ran into the sea, waving his arms around. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" His ass sizzles in the cool water. "Aw, yeah!" Amy, Leela, Derpy, and Fry ate their burgers while Farnsworth sleeps. Nibbler watches, licking his lips. Amy's burger slips out of the roll and onto her chest. Nibbler leaps up. "No, Nibbler!" Exclaimed. Nibbler runs off with the burger and her bikini top. She gasps and covers herself with the burger buns. Derpy, however, noticed and whistled. "Nice." She said Amy blushed in embarrassment and whispered to the professor. "Psst, Professor, I need another bikini. Farnsworth woke up. "Eh ... wha?" He mumbled before seeing her. "Oh, oh, OK, I think there's one can left." He reached into a bag next to him and takes out a spray can and hands it to her. She sprays it over her making a brand new pink bikini. "Oh, my." She sprays the straps on her back and turns around.] "There. How do I look?" "Like a cheap, French harlot." "French?" Derpy had a nosebleed. "...So... hot." Fry finished sculpting a sandcastle. A blonde guy stands over him and kicks the sandcastle in his face. Leela gasped and Fry spat the sand out. The guy turned to Leela. "Say, doll-face," The bully said " how'd you like to make time with a real man?" "No. I'm not attracted to bullies." Leela said "No matter how big and... handsome they are." "It's OK, Leela," Fry said "go ahead. I got a lot of work to do." "Uh, sir, you don't understand." The bully spoke "I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks." "50 bucks!? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her." "Fry!" Leela spoke "Although I suppose we could go for a walk along the beach." "Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay." The bully spoke, running off. Leela only sighs. Derpy flew after him. "Wait! Let me feel your sexy abs!" She yelled Fry finishes reconstructing his sandcastle. "Voila!" Fry spoke "The greatest sandcastle ever built. This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in, if he were a fiddler crab." Leela and Farnsworth gather round, followed by Derpy, who had a dreamy look on her face. "It's very nice." Leela said "We should get a picture before the tide comes in." "Yeah... like what I did." Derpy said, pulling out a picture of herself touching that bully's abs. Amy, Zoidberg and Bender arrive. "Anyone have a camera?" Fry asked "Right here, buddy." Bender said. His left eyelid covers his left eye and his right eye zooms out. The rest of the staff kneel next to the castle. "Wait, I wanna be in the picture too." He takes his head off and puts it on the ground. He pushes his antenna down and it flashes like a timer. His body joins the staff. "Pretend you're happy." Everyone smiled... though, it faded when a huge shadow creeps over them. The camera goes off as the crew look up and see a huge, grey, alien saucer flying low overhead. The center of it starts to open up. Everyone watches as it stops above the White House. The middle opens up and it blows up the White House. Everyone screams. "Oh, my God!" Leela screamed "Eh, we have another one." Derpy shrugged. Hermes pokes his head up through the sand. "What in Babylon?" People flee as a fleet of saucers reduce the monuments to rubble and knock over the Leaning Tower of Pisa. A smaller saucer flies past the staff and destroys Fry's sandcastle. Fry falls to his knees and scoops up the sand. "Nooo!" The crew return to New New York with alien saucers chasing them! They ran inside the building as a saucer blew up their car. Fry peeped through the blinds and turns to the others. "We're all gonna die, aren't we?" He asked. "I'm too young and cute to die!!!" Derpy added "Oh, I should think so." Farnsworth spoke "Although, last time aliens invaded, all they did was force the most intelligent of us to pair off and mate continuously. Oh, yes!" He sprays his throat. Bender turned on the TV to the news. Linda presents with a smile. "Once again, today's winning lotto number was 4." She said to the camera "In other news, alien saucers continue to rain destruction upon Earth. We now go live to an emergency address by Earth President McNeal." A picture in the corner fills the screen. McNeal, a middle-aged man with brown hair and a croaky voice, addresses people from different nations. "Ladies and gentlemen," McNeal spoke "our course is clear. The time has come to knuckle under. To get down on all fours and really lick boot. Give our alien masters whatever they want a-- The TV cuts to static briefly then changes to a Omicronian wearing a big, red cape, and is surrounded by several other Omicronians. He spoke into an old-fashioned microphone. "People of Earth," The caped one spoke "I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8." He taps the mic and turns to his aides. "Is this thing on?" He blows into it and turns back to the camera. "Now then: We want the one you call "McNeal". Give us McNeal or we will lay waste to your cities with our anti-monument laser. We demand McNeal!" The picture cuts out then back to a totally flabbergasted McNeal. "Uh, as I was saying... mankind would sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous alien demands for this McNeal ... whoever he is. Am I right?" The representatives murmur to each other. "And now, the man who will lead us in our proud struggle for freedom, fresh from his bloody triumph over the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula, 25-star General Zapp Brannigan!" He steps aside and Zapp takes the podium. The people cheer and applaud. Fry applauded while Derpy and Leela groaned "Hey, look, Leela," Bender pointed "it's that idiotic windbag you slept with." "SHUT UP!!!" Derpy shouted "Call me cocky," Zapp spoke "but if there's an alien out there I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go it alone. That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air." Leela stood up. "Well, you heard the windbag:" She said "We've been drafted. Everyone into the ship." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on." Bender retorted "I refuse to fight. I'm a conscientious objector." "A what?" Fry and Derpy asked "You know, a coward." "Since this is an emergency," Zapp continued "all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated." He held up a remote control, points it at the camera and presses the button. Bender's antenna top flashes red and beeps and he stands up. "It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity." His antenna stops flashing. "Oh, crap!" The crew stood in the Nimbus Hangar Bay. The ships are moored and Zapp gives the assembled recruits a briefing. He walks down the ranks with Kif at his side. "We're all from different cultures here." Zapp spoke "Some of you are white, some of you are black." He stops by a man and points at him. "You're brown." He moves on to Bender. "And you're silver." He then points at Derpy. "And you're... I don't know." She stuck her tongue out at him, blowing a raspberry. "But I don't care if your skin's red or tan or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together." He looks back at Bender. "Am I right, soldier?" "Well, actually, I-" Bender began, but Zapp presses the remote again and Bender's antenna flashes and beeps. "Sir, yes, sir! Sir!" "Remember, our mission is simple: Destroy all aliens!" Kif raises his hand. "Um, uh, not me, sir." He spoke "Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif.... Unless you have to." He sees Leela. "Oh, ho, ho! The luscious Captain Leela." He rubbed his hands. "This is turning into one very sex-ay struggle for the future of the human race!" "Thanks, but I'm not technically human." She replied with annoyance "Right, right. Nobody destroy Leela either." "And my daughter." "Ok, I get it... someone send it to the glue factory." Derpy leapt and bit onto Zapp's face. He screamed, albeit, muffled, and ran around blindly. In the Nimbus Briefing Room, The recruits are dressed in DOOP uniforms and Zapp briefs them. He points at a display of an Omicronian saucer. "The alien mothership is in orbit here." He spoke "If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." Kif sighs and turns to a computer. "Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command, all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage." Fry raises his hand. "W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a--" He spoke, but Bender starts to choke him. His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry and salutes. "Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission!" Bender spoke. His antenna stops flashing and he bangs his head with his knuckles. "Aw, cut it out!" "You're a brave robot, son." Zapp spoke again "But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission. Which reminds me." He walks over to where Leela is sitting and puts his foot on the seat next to her. She folds her arms and isn't impressed. "Leela, perhaps before we head into battle you'd like to make love to me, in case one of us doesn't come back." "Maybe we should wait till afterwards, in case neither of us comes back." She said, annoyed "Here's hoping." He salutes by tapping his heart, saluting from his head and blowing a kiss. Derpy pulled out a Baseball bat and knocked him out with it. Leela rustled her mane. "That's my girl." The fleet flies around the moon and headed towards the Omicronian mothership Fry manned the controls and wears a helmet. "I'm gonna be a science-fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway, or Xena!" He spoke "Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life." She spoke "Can't you tell the difference?" "Sure, I just like TV better." He makes gunfire noises. "...What about reality TV?" Derpy asked. Everyone went silent. "...Oh." The fleet attacks. Lasers flew around. The Omicronians fire back on the fleet and blows up two ships flanking the Planet Express ship. It peels away, narrowly avoiding another laser beam. Leela wrestled with the controls as alarms beep and smoke pours from the ceiling. She brushes the hair out of her eye and looks across the room. "Bender, damage report!" She ordered "The auxiliary power's out," Bender replied "and they spilled my cocktail!" "Alright, scumwads." Fry spoke "This one's for Bender's cocktail!" The Planet Express ship flies straight towards the saucer and Fry fires 12 blasts from the laser. Leela turned the ship away and the Omicronian saucer creaks, groans, and finally, explodes in a spectacular fireball, complete with an obligatory flying tire. "We did it! We won!" Derpy cheered "Yeah, but it'll never bring back my martini." Bender replied sadly, then went back to normal as he opened his chest cabinet. "Well, who wants a martini?" He takes a cocktail mixer out and shakes it. Fry, Leela and Bender chink their glasses and raise a toast, though Derpy had herself a can of soda. The communication screen comes down from the ceiling, showing Zapp with a black eye "Good work, everyone. The mothership is destroyed." He said Through the window they see several white dots filling the starfield. The dots form a circular shape outside and it flips over, revealing it to be another Omicronian saucer that is so huge it dwarfs the Nimbus. "What the hell is that thing!? "It appears to be the mothership." Kif answered "Then what did we just blow up?" "...The Hubble Telescope. The battle continues. The real mothership destroys more ships "This is hopeless!" Leela yelled. She ran to the pilot's seat and sat down. "If we're gonna get blown to bits, we might as well do it in the comfort of our own home." She pulled a lever on the seat. The ship jerks to a stop and reverses back towards Earth. In the Planet Express Lounge, Farnsworth talked to a woman, a man and a robot who bear a striking resemblance to Leela, Fry and Bender. "You'll be the captain," Farnsworth spoke to the three "you'll be the delivery boy, and you'll be the alcoholic, foul-mouthed-" The door behind him opens and the real crew walk in. "Oh, God, you're alive! I mean, thank God you're alive!" He turns back to the others. "Sorry, check back in three days, a week at the most." They leave and Lrrr crackles onto the TV. "We want McNeal! Stop stalling!" The scene changes to the news studio with Linda. "And now, a rebuttal from President McNeal." McNeal addresses the same people as before. Zapp is back with them. "The people of Earth remain united in my refusal to hand over myself. Total annihilation is a small price to pay compared with-" Zapp steps forward and puts a sack over McNeal. As he drags him away the people applaud and a man kicks the sack. "That's probably the only smart thing he's done." Derpy commented. Outside Capitol Building, An Omicronian saucer is parked at the back of the building and there is a door at ground level. Zapp puts the sack down, knocks and runs a few feet back. "Here he is! Come and get him!" The door slides up, revealing Lrrr and a female looking Omicronian. McNeal wriggles out of the sack and gasps. "You are not McNeal." Lrrr soke "Huh!?" Both the president and Zapp asked "You are not the one we want." The female acknowledged "Oh, thank you!" McNeal groveled "Thank you, glorious masters! I-" Lrrr whips out a laser and vaporizes McNeal. He crumbles into a pile of smoking dust. Zapp squeals and takes a step back. "Give us McNeal!" He shouted "That was McNeal." Zapp said "No, McNeal," The female retorted "the single female lawyer." "She wears miniskirts and is promiscuous." Lrrr added "Really?" Zapp asked, sexually while rubbing his chin. "Miniskirts? That sounds familiar." Fry thought aloud "Surely you know McNeal." Lrrr continued "She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world." "Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent." Zapp replied "Silence! We will accept no more decoys." He holds up a headshot of the single female lawyer. "This is the McNeal." "Wait, I know her!" Fry spoke "You do not, you big fat liar." Leela replied "You don't know anyone. All you do is watch TV." "That's where I know her from. She's Jenny McNeal. She was a character on a TV show back in the 20th century, Single Female Lawyer." "Well if they're hoping to see a TV show that hasn't existed for a thousand years, pft, they are royally boned." Bender said. "We will raise your planet's temperature by one million degrees a day," Lrrr spoke "for five days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow -- 8 central!" The staff gasp. "I'm beginning to think there'll be no forced mating at all." Farnsworth said in disappointment. Lrrr's ship saucer hovered above New New York. In the Meeting Room, The entire staff are assembled around the table, though Leela paces around. "They're going to destroy the entire Earth if they don't see some stupid TV show about some bimbo lawyer!?" Leela asked "It's crazy!" Fry added "How could they even know about a show from a thousand years ago?" "Well, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand light years away." Farnsworth answered "So the electro-magnetic waves would just recently have gotten there. You see- "Magic. Got it." Amy types 'single female lawyer' into a search engine and a page pops up. "Check this out:" She said "Back in 1999 the season finale of Single Female Lawyer was interrupted by technical problems. Apparently some zidiot spilled Coke on the transmitter." "Beer-- I would think." Derpy gave him a stern look. "Did you have something to do with it?" she asked. "Uh..." "They must just wanna see that episode." Bender said "Let's find a tape and give it to 'em." Amy searches some more. "There aren't any copies left." She said. "Not even Netflix?" Derpy asked. More typing. "Lost." "Hulu?" "Nope." "Amazon Fire!?" "... Come in next month." "DAMMIT!!!" "Y'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of that episode." Fry said "If I could make up an ending, maybe we could act it out ourselves." "I could make the costumes." Zoidberg spoke, cutting some material with his claw. "I have an old five-megawatt broadcasting tower in the attic." Farnsworth spoke "And I, I could be an acting coach!" Bender added with an accent. whizzing his hand around. "Let's put on a show!" Fry spoke. "Followed by an necessary sequel or spin-off series?" Derpy asked, holding out some papers. The ship was been moved to make way for a courtroom set. Hermes and Farnsworth make some last-minute perfections to the set, Bender arranges things on the defendant's table and Zoidberg wheels a rail loaded with frilly clothes past Fry, Leela, Derpy, and Amy. Fry sits on a chair with the script. "OK, Leela," Fry began "you'll be starring as Jenny-" "Uh-uh, forget it!" She interrupted "A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays." "Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt." Amy added "I'll take it!" Derpy spoke, snatching it from Fry. "Places, everyone!" Fry spoke Amy puts the finishing touches to Derpy's make-up. She is dressed in a green suit and high heels. "OK ... all set!" She said. Derpy held a mirror. "...I feel so professional!" She said. She turned and wheeled out the heads of the backstreet boys. "Ready guys!?" "To live, yes." the leader spoke. "Lights!" Fry spoke. Bender opens his chest cabinet and a bright studio light shines from it. "Camera one!" Bender's right eye extends and whirrs. "Camera two!" Bender's left eye extends and whirrs. "Camera three!" Something whirrs in Bender's head but nothing else moves. He held up some crudely written cue cards. "♫ Single Female Lawyer, Fighting for her client, Wearing sexy miniskirts, And being self-reliant.♫ Hey, I'm pretty good!" Farnsworth is the judge, Zoidberg is the prosecutor and Derpy is the defendant. Farnsworth and Derpy held their scripts. "Uh... Jenny McNeal," Farnsworth read. "you are charged with jury-tampering in last week's case ... on account of your hot, naked affair with the foreman. How do you plead?" Derpy stood up and looks at her script. "Your Honor, I move for a mistrial, on the grounds that I'm also having a hot, naked affair with the foreman of this jury." Amy and Hermes sit in the jury box with ten cardboard people. Hermes waves. "I'll see you during the recess!" He said sexually, but was uncomfortable "Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez." Farnsworth spoke "Gracias." Zoidberg replied. He stood up with his script behind him and walks over to the witness box where Derpy sat. "Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August 23rd?" "Sleeping with you." Derpy replied, though now disgusted "Aha!" He jabs his claw in her mane and pulls out a muffin. He sniffs it and eats it. Derpy leafs through the script in a panic. "Uh, g-- uh, getting back to the, uh, matter, uh-uh, if it please the court... Fry, there's nothing else here. You only wrote two pages of dialogue." "Well, it took an hour to write." He replied "I thought it would take an hour to read." "What are we supposed to do now?" " I don't know, I don't know. Just say anything. As long as it's compelling, mesmerising, a tour de force." "Uh..." "What say you, Single Female Lawyer?" Farnsworth read "I say ... I'm giving up the law." She stood up "I'm now a professional dancer!" Everyone gasped. The sprinkler system went off, soaking everyone, and music played. She lip synced and danced to the music playing and sung by the Backstreet boys. Lrrr cuts onto the TV, with is wife drinking from a water cooler behind him. "Attention, McNeal. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+, OK, not great. As a result, we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality." "Way to overact, Zoidberg!" Derpy yelled "And now we must return to our planet, to catch the end of a thousand-year-old Leno monologue." He sweeps his cape over him and runs offscreen. The Omicronian saucers fly away and people come out from hiding. The crew watch and cheer. "You did it, Fry!" Bender cheered "Yep." Fry replied, turning on the TV and sitting down on the couch, putting his feet up on the table. "It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: At the end of the episode, everything's always right back to normal." Derpy rested next to him, calling on a cellphone. "Well, I just got a deal for a new show on Netflix!" She announced. "I guess we'll binge watch until then."