Chapter Two: Capitol Cheeki Breeki
“So, place is called Equestria… and is filled with.. Ponies?” I asked, unsure of how well I was actually understanding my situation.
“Yes, we are all ponies. You actually look a lot like a pony too, but your face is much flatter, at least I assume from what I can tell from that mask,” replied the purple colored ‘alicorn’ who was named Twilight Sparkle.
“And so, country is rule by big ponies who… move sun and moon? All because of thing you are call ‘magic’?” Apparently magic was a thing, and yes it was shocking, but I couldn’t really call her a liar what with how she was levitating a notebook and pencil to take notes while she talked to me.
“That is correct, the Country of Equestria is ruled by the two Princesses Celestia and Luna, who control to movements of the Sun and Moon, respectively. And yes, because of their magic,” She replied, talking slow enough both to let me digest the new information, and to take notes of her own.
“So, thought occurs: I am in need of talking with Princess Ponies, to be finding way of go home,” I nodded as I spoke, this seemed to be the most intelligent course of action, and by the way she nodded as well it did seem that Twilight agreed.
“Well, if that is what you wish to do, I’ll send letter to the Princess. She should be able to have transport to her palace for tomorrow. In the meantime, I can offer you the guest bedroom here, unless you’d like to sleep in the woods.” She finished that sentence with a little bit of a grin, it was amusing. I was in no position to deny her offers, and in any case, I didn’t trust those woods.
“Sleeping inside house is sound like good idea, yes. Had enough of sleeping in wilderness during time being conscript in Serbia. Not fun place, Serbia.” You know why nobody ever says ‘oh, go visit Serbia, it’s nice’? It’s because Serbia is shit. It’s terrible and cold, and conscripts are never given enough vodka to stay warm.
Anyway, night was drawing near, so right after she sent off the letter to the Princess, apparently by having some weird dragon-y guy burn it up, she went off to bed. Thankfully, she did happen to tell show me to the guest room first, so I wasn’t just left wondering where to go.
Looking around, it was a rather sparsely decorated room, but still cozy. It was tall enough for me to stand straight—and I was rather tall—and it was big enough for a full bed, a desk, lounging chair, and an end table. I decided it’d be more economical of my time to just be ready to go when I woke up in the morning, not like I had a change of clothes anyway, so I just dumped my pack and coat onto the chair before climbing into bed. Flicking off the lamp on the end table, I quickly fell to sleep.
*****
I woke up the next day, and as light streamed through the window, I realized my mistake in sleeping in my gas mask as I opened my mouth and had my breath forced back into my face, eugh. Needless to say, vodka does not make up for proper dental hygiene.
Thankfully enough, the guest room did have an attached bathroom, I didn’t know how I missed it at first, but eh, I was tired. I decided that, even though I couldn’t clean my clothes, I could at least clean myself. And I mean hey, they weren’t too dirty anyway, right? Right.
Fifteen minutes later I was washed, fully awake, and my breath no longer smelled like alcohol. A few minutes after that, my gear was fully re-equipped, my kalashnikov was checked and ready, and I was completely prepared for the new day.
I walked out of the guest room and poked about the library part of the house for a bit, before smelling the smells of blin! Fantastic, pancakes are perhaps the best kind of breakfast, I thought as I moved towards the smell.
Sadly, it seemed there was no blin left, as I rounded the corner into what appeared to be a kitchen, and saw Twilight and her assistant Spike, the dragon-y guy, sitting and eating breakfast.
“Oh, good morning- uh… I don’t think I ever got your name actually,” Twilight greeted me, at which point I froze for a moment upon realizing my complete lack of manners. I had been there three hours to have Equestria explained to me, had slept in her house as a guest, and had never even introduced myself! Horrible, really.
“Oy, blin, I am horrible guest. Very sorry, thought of introduction completely slipped mind what with talk of ponies and magic and all. Anyway, my name is Ivan, is pleasure to formally introduce myself.” I responded, trying to convey my apology as best I could through a gas mask. I think she got the idea.
“No, no, it’s perfectly fine. After all, you did just get transported from your world to ours, so, shock is to be expected. Anyway, Ivan, Spike and I were just finishing breakfast, I tried to get him to leave you some pancakes but uh… well, you can see how that turned out. I’m sure I can make you something if you’re hungry though! Wouldn’t want to meet the Princesses on an empty stomach after all!” Well, that explains why Spike looked a bit, uh, bloated I guess. I was half tempted to take her up on the offer but at the same time, she had been so generous already.
“Ah, no, is fine. I couldn’t possibly ask you to do that for me, and anyway, I am have perfect Slav breakfast ready right here!” I said, shrugging off my backpack to the clinking of bottles inside, I quickly opened it up and pulled out an almost empty bottle of Cossack’s Vodka, finest in all of Chernobyl. “You see, real man is not need food for breakfast, is just need vodka! Anyway, I’m not drunk enough yet in first place.” With those words I undid the top, pulled up my gas mask, and downed the last of the bottle. Ah, it burns. In a good way, you know?
“Well that is certainly an interesting philosophy… wait a moment, is that alcohol! You can’t tell me you’re going to see the Princesses when you’re drunk!” Apparently Russians did not exist in this ‘Equestria’ place, otherwise Twilight would know, the only time you should worry is when a slav is sober.
“No, no, not at all! Is just a little bit of vodka, not even half bottle! I am fine to be of seeing Pony Princess, no worry!” I think the fact that I was making coherent sentences probably made her feel better. Well, coherent as a slav could be anyway. At least she didn’t try to take my vodka, which I stuffed back into my bag. It was empty, yes, but I didn’t want to be ‘that guy’ and leave a bottle just laying around.
“Well, I guess if you say so… anyway, the Princess’ guard should be he-” I assume she was about to say ‘here soon’ because right at that moment where was a thud as something landed outside her front door, followed by a knock. “Ah, that must be them then, well, let’s go! Spike, take care of the Library, alright.” The dragon-y guy gave her a nod, still seeming pretty out of it from blin overload, meanwhile Twilight walked to the front door as I followed.
When she opened the door, we were greeted by this muscular guy, a little shorter than me, in gold plate armour. It looked pretty cool honestly, but there was a lot to be desired in what it actually protected. His fur was white and his ‘mane’ was this dark blue, not quite navy, but eh, it was pushed up into some sorta mohawk thing through this helmet, reminding me of those Roman broom helmets you see in books. I did also note he had what looked to be a short sword at his hip, which made sense, since this guy was apparently part of some ‘Royal Guard’ of the Princess’.
“Good morning to you Princess Sparkle, and to you as well, Guest of the Princess. My comrade and I have been sent by Her Highness, Princess Celestia, to transport the two of you to see her.” He spoke in a deep voice, reminded my of my old sergeant in Serbia! Looking past him, I saw another guard pony, this one with black fur, who was… hitched up to some weird chariot? It was then I noticed both that guy, and the guy in front of Twilight and I had wings.
“Don’t tell me… we are to be flying there?” I asked hesitantly.Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with heights, I just don’t like open-topped aircraft.
“That would be the idea sir, if you two would like to take seats in the back of the chariot, we’ll have you to the Princess within the hour.” Well, I couldn’t really argue with that, now could I. And considering I was told that the palace was up the side of a mountain, I didn’t really want to try walking there either.
With a small sigh, I walked with Twilight to the back of the ‘chariot’ and found that its sides were covered by padded benches, real nice stuff. Makes sense, apparently this was a royal vehicle, so I guess it did have to be made to standard. Twilight stepped in and sat down while the other guard got himself fixed to the chariot, personally I walked to the front and stood, holding onto the rim of the chariot like a true rider.
A few moments later and we were off. Much faster than I would’ve thought possible, the chariot lifted off the air from the combined efforts of the two guards ponies flapping their wings. I’m going to be honest, I might not have liked it, but feeling the wind go past me was pretty awesome.
“Ah, Sir, you might want to take a seat, the winds up near the palace get a little rough,” the other guard, the dark furred one, called back to me. I considered his words for a moment, before calling out to him.
“Soldier, what is your name?” Maybe soldier wasn’t the right thing to use? Ah well, he turned around any way.
“Uh, it’s Dr-” I immediately cut him off with a speech of pure Slav.
“You see Dmitri! When am true Slav like me, you are never be of falling off chariot! For when wind is see power of cheeki breeki, it is decide Slav far too badass to be pushed!” Right as I said that, a large gust of wind hit the chariot, shaking the guards and Twilight in her seat. Surprisingly, well not really, I was completely unaffected by the wind as I stood at the front.
All the guards could do was stare back at me for a few minutes, before resuming their jobs. Behind my mask, I gave a small smile of victory as I waited for us to arrive at the palace. Slav is never defeated.