Pessimism and Sarcasm
Chapter 23
A Quite Chaotic Day
It's been a few days since Twilight and I exited the anomaly Pinkie Pie. It took six showers to wash off the smell of cake frosting, and the harsh light stung my eyes - having spent so much time in the soft, pink glow of Pinkie’s stomach. Not surprisingly, Twilight kept us in there for two months. Two whole months spent examining Pinkie’s digestive system. The fact that we survived is proof that her stomach has an IFF feature. Twilight jokingly named the phenomenon “Identify Friend or Food.”
The group talked with us while we were inside Pinkie, like someone talking to an unborn child through its mother’s belly. Life wasn’t difficult to readjust to because of this. One thing that bothered me, though, was finding out about Pinkie’s demeanor while we were inside her. Apparently, Rainbow Dash walked into her room to find her on her back, seemingly in a trance. With a strange smile on her face, she was rubbing her belly.
When she saw Rainbow, she bounced up and laughed it off, but now it seems she really wants to eat me again. Worse yet, she must have told Silhouette about whatever pleasure she received from having us in her stomach, and now both of them stare at me, gesturing to their bellies while chomping their teeth. When I tell them to knock it off, the two just giggle and run away.
Fortunately, Princess Cadence is coming to Ponyville today. She and Twilight will be going to some kind of magic convention, and Shade and Sil are spending time with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, leaving me peacefully at home.
At the train station, we say goodbye to Fluttershy, who’s going to observe these rare creatures called Breezies. As her train leaves, Princess Cadence’s arrives. Twilight squeals beside me, but I can’t bring myself to be excited about meeting more royalty, not with the fact that I'll never be able to get home still running through my mind.
The pink princess exits her train and bows to Twilight. The two start chatting immediately, and so I decide to postpone my introduction and head for the library to catch up on some well-earned gaming.
As I cross the street, something catches my eye. A lamp post canters past me. I turn and watch it leave, scratching my head. “What on Earth?” I say, before remembering that I’m not on Earth. Even so, though, lamp posts don’t just get up and walk in Equestria either. Not without a spell, anyway.
The lamp swings a foot around and starts back toward me. The pieces fall into place.
“Hello, Discord,” I say with a groan.
The lamp grows a mouth as it bends toward me. “Why, Jacob. Here we haven’t even met, and yet you recognize little old me? How delightful.”
“Back off, Discord,” I say, shoving his lamp lips away and turning back to the library. “I’m not in the mood today.” I literally have a million better things that I could be doing.
The lamp disappears and Discord reappears in front of me, completely blue. “Oh, I’m hurt! How could you think so ill of me when you haven’t even met me?” Suddenly, he’s lying on a hospital gurney, an iv hooked up to his lion arm. “Actually, maybe this will help me.”
“How could I help you?” I mutter.
“Not you, you strange little creature. Going to the hospital. Clearly I am very, very ill.” He puts a claw to his forehead and passes out on the ground. I walk around him and continue on.
“Now that I think about it,” he says, appearing in front of me again, “there is a way you could help me, dear Jacob.”
“How delightful,” I groan. He smiles down at me.
“My good friend Fluttershy has been writing to me about you. I recall her using words like, “terrifying” and “cruel” and “torture.” Any ideas what would make her say that?”
I think back and the only thing that comes to mind is the first night I spent with the ponies. When we all watched...Jurassic Park…
“There you go, I think you remember.” Discord wraps an arm around my shoulders, and a lengthy piece of parchment appears in his paw. “Sorry to say this, but you’re on my hit list.”
“I’m on the hit list of a Q ripoff. Great.”
“Excuse me?!” Discord recoils, his list disappearing. “Looks like someone’s just made it to the top of the list! If anyone is a ripoff, it must be this Q person you speak of. One letter? How juvenile.”
The clouds above us rumble, and I feel the skin on the back of my neck prickle. “Interesting,” a voice murmurs around us. “I hear my name uttered in some backwater dimension that should have no knowledge of the Q, and this is what I find. A late twentieth century human and a pseudo-omnipotent being who looks like he was constructed out of last night’s leftovers.”
Discord stands up straight. “Leftovers?! I beg your pardon, but I am Discord, Master of Chaos!”
“Of course you are,” the voice continues. “Now, it seems a more appropriate setting is in order. A place so colorful and childish is hardly fitting for the upcoming discussion."
Light rains down from the clouds above us, and Ponyville disappears. We find ourselves in Q’s judgment hall, with none other than Q sitting on his throne. Luckily for us, the usual audience is missing.
“First order of business: Discord. You have claimed that I, the all-powerful Q, am nothing more than your ripoff. For this heinous act of blasphemy, how do you plead?”
"Plead?" Discord prods me with one of his talons. "What’s going on?"
"Apparently he didn't like your insults just as much as you didn't like mine. Now he's the judge, and you're on trial."
"Oh, is that all?” he says, facing Q. “Well, Mr. Q, I’ve had a wonderful time. But I’m afraid I have some business to attend to back in Ponyville, so we’ll just have to sort this out later.”
Discord snaps his paw, but nothing happens. Q and I watch quietly. He tries again, with the same results. “Hm, well, that should’ve worked.”
Q clears his throat. “It’s settled then. Be thankful I find you to be nothing more than an infinitesimal speck, not worthy of the effort it would take to punish. You may return to your dimension.” A jolly grin appears on Discord’s face. “However, if this incident occurs again, you’ll find yourself as a brick in the wall of that dreary castle ruin in that silly little forest.” Discord’s smile vanishes. “Oh, and I’ll be taking over your revenge case regarding this human here. Whatever you come up with will surely be nothing more than a paltry joke.”
Discord opens his mouth to protest, but Q snaps his fingers and he disappears in a flash of light.
I feel sweat beading up on my forehead. Q turns to me. “Your fears are justified, Jake. Fortunately, I will find this quite entertaining.”
Another flash of light and Q and I are in a vast room, overlooking a rich, tropical jungle.
“Recognize this place?” I look at him, my throat dry. “You should, but maybe a different standpoint would help.”
Another flash, and we’re in a decrepit hotel room. I spot a dusty pamphlet on an end table and my heart stops. The pamphlet displays the Jurassic Park logo - the real Jurassic Park is out there. The failed Dinosaur theme park. I collapse against a crackling wall and grasp my chest.
“There’s the response I wanted. Don’t worry, this is just a little pocket plane I’ve created. If I had dropped you in the real Jurassic Park, you’d be raptor chow already. Now, I’ve brought another here too. A certain yellow pegasus. She’s already out in the jungle. I’d go out to find her, if I were you. Don’t want the poor, scared thing out in a place like this all on her own, do we?”
Dust and dirt are kicked up as I run out of the room and down the hall.
“She’s closer than you think,” Q’s voice echoes around me. “Take a left, then a right, and go on into the room at the end of the hall.
In my panic, I follow his instructions, ending up in a dining room. Busted tables and chairs are strewn about, and against one wall is a line of vending machines.
“Oh, uhm,” a soft voice says from somewhere in the room. “Hellooooo, Jake. Welcome to my spooooooky paaaaarty!”
My heartbeat slowly returns to normal. I should have expected something like this.
“Oh no! It looks like nopony else is heeeere. What could have happened to all the guests? So spooooooky.”
Since this is all my punishment seems to be, I decide to get a drink to relieve my dry throat. I walk over to the vending machines.
“It looks like the powers out! You can't get the soda you waaaaaant! Ooooooh!"
"Fluttershy, remind me to never let you DM," I call out. I hear Q chuckle a bit.
“Jake, you must be tired from running,” Fluttershy continues. “Why don’t you take a seeeeat?”
I look around at the broken furniture. "Oh dear,” Fluttershy says. “All the tables and chairs - how will you ever sit dooooown?"
“That’s it,” Q’s voice echoes. “I’m taking matters into my own hands.”
Fluttershy squeals, her sweet, high voice lowering, turning into a growl at the end. At the same time, one of the doors begins to shudder as something bashes against it, making very familiar calls, raptor calls.
“Oh my!”
“Fluttershy, where are you?” I call out.
“Over here, Jake! The window!”
I look over to the window, but I don’t see her. Sweat returns to my forehead, and the only action that seems rational to me is to continue running through the window. I bust through the glass, falling into a dark and slimy pit.
“What is this?! Fluttershy?” She doesn’t respond, but I feel myself moving, though I’m sitting on a moist and bumpy kind of ground.
After a while, the moving stops and I fall from the pit onto grass. In the daylight I can see what I was just sitting in. Above me is a pale yellow Tyrannosaurus Rex with pink markings on its head and tail.
“Fluttershy?” I whisper.
The T. Rex nods at me, lowering her head to my level. “Can you help me with this, please?” she asks, sticking her tongue out. I see a few shards of glass stuck in her tongue, little red puddles around them. This must have happened when I jumped through the window.
“Sorry,” I say, gently tugging the pieces out. She flinches softly, little gasps escaping her massive throat.
“Oh, thank you, Jake,” she says after I remove the last shard. She nuzzles me carefully, in gratitude.
“Please, can we dispense with the affection?” Q says from somewhere in the treetops. “Surely, Jacob, you’ve figured out that Fluttershy here is supposed to scare you. Myself, I’ve figured out that such a task is nearly impossible for such a creature. However, in order to be properly punished, it is necessary that Fluttershy take her revenge. She must scare you intentionally, to the point that you may void your bladder in fear.”
I let out a groan as Fluttershy glances at me, already more afraid than I am.
“I just wanted to see the Breezies,” she whispers to me.
“There will be time for that later,” Q says. “You will not be leaving this park until you successfully terrify this human. Now, I have my own business to attend to. Maybe this time Janeway will finally give in to my desires…” His voice trails off, and we can tell that he’s left us.
I look at Fluttershy. “I think we’re in trouble.
She hums in agreement. Then her stomach rumbles, shaking the ground beneath me. Before I realize it, I’m standing thirty feet away from her.
She blushes. “Sorry. I am kind of hungry.” She takes a two steps toward me, closing the gap easily. “Don’t worry, Jake! I would never eat you. Well, unless I knew you’d be safe. Like, if I had Pinkie Pie’s magic stomach. Jake, do you think I have a magic stomach like Pink-”
“Let’s test it later,” I say quickly. “But Fluttershy, you are a carnivore now. If you want to eat, you’re going to have to hunt something down.”
“Oh no!” she cries. “I could never! I’d rather starve! Oh, Jake, I don’t like it here. It’s scary and I’m scary!”
“There’s only one way to solve this,” I say. “You have to scare me.”
“But I can’t do that! You heard me back at the hotel. I was pathetic.”
“You’re a T. Rex now, Fluttershy.” A yellow one, but scary nonetheless. “I don’t think it will be that hard.”
“Oh...alright,” she concedes. “But let’s find somewhere safe, first. I don’t like this jungle at all, and it looks like it’s going to be night soon.”
She lowers her body to the ground, and I climb up her scales onto her back. “If you don’t want to camp here, you could always just do something to scare me,” I tell her.
I feel her body shiver under my suggestion. “I’m too scared to be scary!”
We find a dry cave, big enough to fit both of us. In the light of our campfire, Fluttershy looks at me with a frown.
“Did that Q person tell you if there are other dinosaurs here besides me?”
My heart stops again. “Well, he didn’t not say that.”
“Where are you going to sleep?” she asks, her eyes widening. “I know I’ll be fine, but what about you?”
“Maybe if I just lean up against you, I’ll be safe.”
“But what if something still comes for you? I just couldn’t let you get eaten all because of this silly revenge business.” She gasps then, but stifles her excitement with a blush.
“What is it?”
“Well, you know about crocodilians, right?” I nod slowly. “See, the mothers keep their babies safe by...well, I mean. I could...if you want.”
“You could what, Fluttershy?” I ask, not liking where this is going. The shy T. Rex looks at me, opening her mouth. Of course.
Yet, where safer than on the inside?
“Fine, Fluttershy. But only so you don’t wake up alone tomorrow if a hungry dino comes by.”
She smiles, baring her fangs. I climb over her jagged teeth and lie down on her tongue. Despite the humid smell and slimy bedding, I do feel a bit safer inside her gaping maw. I position my head close to the front of her mouth, feeling her gullet wrap around my feet.
“Eddy?” she asks.
“Eddy? Yeah, let's hope I don't end up like him...” I respond. Then I facepalm as I realize what she meant. “Yes, lower her down.”
Slowly and carefully, she closes her mouth. I watch her top teeth approach, then disappear over my head as the light fades.
"Just try not to swallow, okay?"
She hums a laugh in response, but I still can’t help but be tense. After a while, though, I finally succumb to fatigue.
I awaken to a tug at my ankles. Fluttershy opens her mouth, but tilts her head back, preventing me from escaping. She inhales deeply, yawning. I slip from my spot on the floor of her mouth toward her throat. Heart palpitations. Eyes watering.
"Fluttershy, let me out!"
Her head drops again, and I reach out and slap her gums. I hit her repeatedly, trying to wake her up. I feel her throat widen around my feet, and her tongue rolls back toward it, pushing me along with it. My vocal chords fail me, and I grasp her tongue tightly.
Soon I’m chest deep in her esophagus, but my hold on her tongue is saving me. Wind rises from her throat and she opens her mouth again, coughing. Trying to dislodge me. I release her tongue and tumble out onto the cold cave floor.
“Oh, Jake! I’m so sorry!” Her snout presses me against the ground, shoving my head into the stone. “Are you okay?” she cries, trying to hug me with her stubby arms.
“I’m fine, Fluttershy,” I wheeze, as I attempt to push her away, it didn't work but she got the message and backs off a bit. I sit up, holding my throbbing head.
“I forgot you were in there!” she says, dinosaur tears in her eyes. "Oh, I'm so sorry!"
I try to wipe some of her saliva off of me. How was that not scary enough, Q? Why are we still here?
“Fluttershy, you need to scare me,” I say, standing up.
“But Jake, I can’t.” She looks down, her tears falling.
“Who’s going to take care of Angel Bunny?” I ask, reaching for anything that will provoke her.
She looks up at me, a fiery glint in her eye. “You’re right. I’m sorry about this.”
“About what?” I ask. Fluttershy stands up, arching her back. Her growl echoes through the cave, then she opens her mouth again and roars deeply. "Oh. I understand now."
My eyes widen, and I bolt out of the cave. “Q, I’m going to have a heart attack!”
He laughs as I weave through the trees, Fluttershy in pursuit. The ground quakes under her stomps. I run straight past a pack of raptors, not even giving them time to react.
The jungle is a green blur to me, and I can barely see enough to tell that a fallen tree blocks my path ahead. I hear another roar behind me, and suddenly my legs swing out under me and I’m tumbling off a cliffside.
I close my eyes, bracing myself for impact, only to land on something soft and wet. I open my eyes to see once again the wrong side of a set of jaws. My ears are ringing, and the jaws clamp shut. Gravity shifts and I slip down toward the throat. No escape this time.
As I’m smothered by the slick esophagus, there’s a flash of light. I’m back in Ponyville. The sun shines brightly above me, and I’m no longer covered in saliva. A bird is chirping on the sign in front of the library, and I think about my video games. "I'm safe. Certainly not eaten."
“For now,” Q’s voice echoes, followed by the iconic noise of him teleporting away.
With a deep sigh of relief, I start toward the library, only to find myself flat on my back once again.
“Oh, thank Celestia you're okay!" I look up into sea of minty green fur.
"I see somepony is out of her shell! Good for you, Lyra!" The pony on top of me suddenly freezes, then leaps away. I sit up and find Lyra sheepishly rubbing her forelegs and blushing profusely.
Bonbon groans and walks up to her. "Well, that lasted about as long as I expected." She looks at me, however, with a cheerful grin. "Good news Jake. Your date with me is off."
Lyra and I sigh together. One less thing to worry about. "You wouldn't be able to make it,” Bonbon continues, “seeing as your date with Lyra is scheduled for the same time."
Now Lyra and I both go rigid. "And, frankly, you're not my type. I have my eyes on a different stallion."
Lyra begins to faint, and Bonbon nonchalantly catches her, carrying her off on her back. “Same place, next Friday!” she calls to me.
I turn to finally go home, only to find myself face to face with Bonbon again. “Be there, or I will personally force feed you both to Pinkie Pie, and I will keep you in there for another two months.” She points a hoof at me. “This time, you two. Are. Dating!”
She smiles and canters off, Lyra in tow.
I watch them leave, then sink to the ground, too tired to get inside the library.
“Not my day,” I mutter.