//------------------------------// // In which our surprisingly alive hero makes a deal with a devil and fights a big bad shrub. // Story: Welcome to the Herd // by Kandagger //------------------------------// I opened my eyes to see the sun shining merrily overhead. A few clouds drifted lazily by and the sound of birdsong punctuated the white noise of insect buzz. It was still a nice day, just four hours or so after I had knocked myself off that tower. I don’t remember actually hitting the ground, but considering I was flat on my back in a hole three feet deep, it must have been quite spectacular. …Too bad it had FAILED MISERABLY! I groaned and tried to sit up, all the muscles along my spine protesting vigorously and my arms not moving at all. That was weird, my arms didn’t feel broken or anything, just constrained. I turned my head to examine them but my nose hit earth before I even hit thirty degrees. Oh brother…not this old gag. I lifted my arms straight up and noticed they worked fine. Another sit-up attempt brought me high enough to grab the edges of the hole and heave myself bodily out…of a hole shaped just like me. I turned around to face the hole and the tower and thought. How the bloody hell did I survive that? When I fell on my hip it hurt like normal (and in fact it was still throbbing). But after that fall, all I felt was a general “take a few laps around the track, you’ll be fine” sort of pain (gee thanks coach). This was impossible, absurdly impossible…and yet here I was alive and whole. The only thing I could do was put on my metaphorical Sherlock Holmes hat and assume that there was a rational explanation. I quickly narrowed it down to a few options. 1. It was a random fluke of randomness and I got lucky. I had heard at least one story of this same exact thing happening back on Earth (minus the whole crater thing) with the guy walking away from the fall and everything. Theoretically this could have happened to me as well. I dismissed this almost immediately—nopony was that lucky. 2. Deus…er…Equia Regina ex Machina. Celestia, or a being of similar power, had looked down upon my plight, decided this was not the way I ought to die and saved me. Seeing as how the only being of that much power I knew around here was currently being crapped on by pigeons I found this explanation as unlikely as the first. 3. I’m literally in a cartoon. Pain here is governed by the rule of funny. Nobody dies in this picture; they just get really big booboos. So I can fall of cliffs and whatnot a la Wile E Coyote but still have to worry about random pokes and prods. This was…plausible, dammit, especially when you consider the shape of the hole I made. But there really wasn’t a good way of confirming that without involving things like anvils and TNT. I would have to shelf this theory for later. 4. There’s something I don’t know about “normal” ponies that explains all this. If (and this is a very big “if”) the ponies are all one species like one would suspect, then the “normal” ones must therefore be capable of feats comparable to “flight” and “magic.” This was admittedly grasping at straws, but the theory had the advantage of involving something I did not know and had no way of knowing as of yet. Of course talking to the right folks in Ponyville could very easily prove me very very wrong, but for the moment it was one of my better ideas. 5. My “unwoven coadjutor” (or whatever Lina was) did something to save me and therefore keep Discord’s plan running on schedule. Also possible…and in fact the most likely. I had no idea what all her tricks were and she certainly sounded fairly terrified of dying. It would stand to reason that she could have slowed our descent enough to save us both. Then again, that was an awfully big hole for a “slowed descent.” But I liked this theory the best because it was the easiest to verify. Observe. “Oy, Lina!” I said standing up, “You awake back there?” “Huh…wa” she sounded like she was waking up from a long nap, “we’re…alive?”Damn it. She sounded just as surprised as I was. There goes the convenient solution. “Nope, we’re in hell and I’m just waiting for Pink and Blue to get here before we trek off to Candy Mountain.” I rolled my eyes, “YES we’re alive! Much to my consternation she began laughing like Christmas had come early. “I…I can’t believe it!” She exclaimed, “I thought we were goners!” “So did I,” I grumbled, “Do you have any idea why we’re not?” “Who cares! YOU didn’t succeed, and we’re still here. Life is awesome!” I felt her hugging my neck. It is kind of hard to be angry at someone that happy. But I was willing to try anyway. “Yes yes, I’m still here and Discord’s plot moves forward. Everything is sunshine and roses.” I started walking back towards the bridge. Might as well go back to Plan A. Her chuckles abruptly stopped, “Hold on a second. The reason you almost killed yourself was because doing so would stop the boss?” I paused, “Well yeah…wasn’t that the point of that whole presentation? So long as I’m here, Discord can break free?” That was met with another explosion of laughter—one loud and long and much more mean spirited. I gave up waiting for her to stop and just started walking. I was half way across the bridge before she was capable of words. “Oh…my sides!” Lina gasped after a while, “You’re too much Danny-boy!” “Charming,” I grumbled, “And just how am I “too much” exactly?” “You think killing yourself will make a difference!” she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “Living or dead you’re still HERE, aren’t you?” “Hold on,” I said, “What about all that malarkey about balance? Don’t I need to be alive to affect it?” “Well I suppose.” Lina said, “But that would only slow us down, not stop us. We may talk about your charming personality, but honestly all we really want you for is your body.” I dared not think about what that innuendo was implying, “And on that note I suggest we change the subject.” “Good idea! So tell me, what’s your favorite position?” I winced, “Or we could just keep silent to avoid attracting predators…” About forty-five degrees around the chasm from the bridge (or 315 if you’re being really picky) I found a path that looked to run in Ponyville’s general direction. I walked along it carefully, eyes open, ears swiveling for the sound of predators. But nothing I saw really scared me. Sure the trees were still kinda creepy but after about fifteen minutes or so they lost my interest entirely. I saw a few birds, heard a lot more, and spotted at least one fox and a couple rabbits, but that was about it. Maybe all the scary stuff was nocturnal. What wasn’t helping anything was Lina. Despite her cranky demeanor she acted like a small child when experiencing anything new—which apparently included this entire forest. She asked me the names of birds, what kinds of trees these were, why the leaves were green, what did the fox eat, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I answered as best I could but the questions just kept coming. After I realized she was just talking to talk I clammed up and shortly thereafter so did she. Unfortunately I hit a snag. I had overestimated the whole “couple laps around the track” thing and after an hour or so I was really feeling the pain. Every joint ached and I swear I could hear them all creaking like rusty machinery. I probably looked like an AT-AT walker about now…shaped like an animal but moved like a robot. I should have found a stream and soaked my feet (and probably the rest of me) for an hour or so. But daylight was a-wasting, and I had no desire to be in this forest after dark. So onward I trudged, pain and Lina my constant companions. Eventually I was barely “hobbling” much less “walking.” But I didn’t want to stop. The instant I stopped was the instant something leapt out and ate me. “Come on Daniel…it’s just a little farther.” Lina snickered, “So, talking to yourself now? That’s not a good sign.” I ignored her in favor of ‘intelligent’ conversation, “Just put one foot in front of the other and you’ll be there in no time.” Heh… I was suddenly reminded of a song from one of those old stop-motion Christmas specials. You know, Rankin-Bass? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Burgermeister Meisterburger? They’re Classics. Go watch ‘em if you haven’t. Anyways, twenty-something years of life without an ipod—most of which by choice—meant that if I wanted music, I’d better be able to make it myself. And suddenly I had a hankering for some music. So therefore… ”You put one, foot, in front of the other…” I began slowly, matching my hooves to the beat of the music in my head, ”And soon you’ll be walkin’ cross the flo-o-OR! “What ARE you doing?” “Imma singing,” I told her, “What does it look like I’m doing?” “Well stop it!” She snapped, “It hurts.” I wanted to be offended. I’m pretty sure I could hold a tune in a bucket, and had in fact been complimented on my voice a couple times. But then I realized that it wasn’t the quality of the singing that hurt her, but the fact that I was singing at all. My grin grew Cheshire Cat wide, “Oh REAAALLY?” I took a big breath. “Don’t you dare!” Too late. “With CAT-LIKE TREAD! UPON OUR PREY WE STEAL…In Silence Dread, Our Cautious Way We Feel” “Oh Chaos whyyyyy?” Lina moaned like she had a hangover ”NO SOUND AT ALL!! We never speak a word. A fly’s foot-fall would be dis-tinct-ly heard! “Okay! Okay, you’ve made your point!” Lina groaned, “Now shut up a moment, I thought I heard something.” I stopped, and switched back into full paranoia mode, “Really? Where?” “Can’t tell, SOMEBODY was too damn loud.” “Well excuse me for not sounding like one of those stupid weezy pop-singers.” “Can it will you?” Lina whispered, “I think it’s onto us…” If I had a lick of sense I would have bolted right there, but with my legs and especially my arms feeling like lead-bound rubber I was far more inclined to hope Lina was making crap up. I couldn’t hear anything other than the usual forest noises, nor could I see anything other than the usual forest sights. So whatever it was, it wasn’t something out of a D&D Manual…if it was anything at all. “Lina, are you sure you’re not crying w…” “GET DOWN!!” she shouted suddenly. I was moving by the first syllable and kissing dirt by the second. A brown shape sailed over me and landed near the opposite edge of the path. I got to my feet in time to see it turn around and prepare for a second lunge. Okay…now what the hell was it? In layman’s terms it was a dog made out of wood. If I was to get technical I would probably describe it either some sort of dryad/wood elemental thing or possibly a sentient moss that was animating a pile of old rotting logs through its mad sci-fi biology skillz. However all I cared about right at that moment were a pair of glowing yellow eyes and a set of splintery wooden fangs, both of which faced me with signs of overpowering hunger. Not as romantic a death as the high tower, but hey beggars can’t be chosers. I got out of my “battle crouch” and closed my eyes…this was going to suck. “What are you doing? Don’t just stand there!” Lina, as always, interrupted my reverie. I opened one eye, the wood-wolf was as confused as Lina was, “Why? If it eats me, I won’t be HERE anymore will I?” I felt my back get hotter, “That’s not how it works, and you know it!” “Do I?” I snapped, “I just survived a bazillion foot fall to my death. My definition of “how it works” got chucked out the window hours ago.” “I…” she began, full of fire and self-righteousness, but then she stopped. “What do you want?” “Beg pardon?” “What,” she said like every word hurt her on the way out of her mouth, “do I have to give you, too stop trying to kill yourself and play ball like a nice pony?” The wolf lunged. Right in front of me. Slow enough that I could dodge it. So I did. Either the predators here sucked or there was something wrong with this particular specimen. I took another good look at it. It looked old, desperate, the cunning in its eyes far outstripping the strength of its limbs. It got up shakily and started circling. I followed it; keeping my guard up. Just because Lina’s offer intrigued didn’t mean I shouldn’t keep my options open. “No limitations?” “I can’t leave, if that’s what you’re asking.” She said, “but I can do lots of other things and they are all up for grabs.” “Oh are they?” I said, I took a step towards the…timber…wolf (ugh my HEAD, pun…too…terrible), and it flinched back a step. It was scared of me. But too hungry to leave. “That’s right big guy.” She cooed, I felt a finger glide up the inner part of my thigh, “Anything. You. Want.” “Excellent.” I purred, “I want infinite wishes.” I felt her mood snap like a twig, “Oh Discord no!” “You’re not exactly in a position to negotiate, sister.” “Your life is NOT worth infinite wishes!” Luckily, I’d seen this movie too, “A-ha! So my proposal is sound, all we have to do is settle on price.” My back flared again, “Two wishes.” “Five” “Three” she said, “nice significant number.” “Three wishes and three true answers.” I countered A pause while she considered, “Fine…but make them before the end of today or you’ll lose whatever is left over.” “Tomorrow, at midnight, today is nearly over.” “Deal!” “Deal.” “Kick its ass, Brony!” I returned my full attention to the wolf just in time to catch its third lunge—this one actually landing. Sharp teeth sunk into my shoulder—high up, near my spine. If that stupid thing was any healthier I’d probably be dead right now. As it stands, I get a new entry in my ‘unpleasant experiences’ book (it was definitely less painful than “burned alive,” but several levels more than anything else I’d encountered). Now normally this is where ANYONE ELSE caught in this kind of situation would casually mention “oh by the way, I’m a black belt in monkey kung-fu,” or “thank goodness my time in the Marines kept me in fighting shape,” or something like that. But me, I don’t have any of that. I have a one semester crash course in Aikido taught by the same guy that designed those stupid online teacher surveys for his department. Okay yes, it’s more than some schlub who spends all his time playing video games would know. But honestly, any badass Steven Seagal-esque moves I might have learned (that haven’t trickled out of my ears since) would be completely useless here and now, since A. I am no longer human shaped and B. My opponent is not human shaped either. But I did recall one of the very basic pointy-end-goes-into-the-other-man type things the Sensei made sure to teach us. Down. It doesn’t matter who or what it is, you knock it off its feet and keep it there. You win. It’s how cheetah’s hunt, it’s how wrestling matches are decided and it’s how every single Aikido technique ends. Down. Accept no substitutes. I screamed as it gnawed into my shoulder and my vision went red. Biting me was going to be the LAST mistake this puppy ever made. I reached up with my opposite hoof and pinned its foreclaw to my side. Then I fell over. Well more like, I jumped in the air and twisted so that when I landed it would be on some nice soft timber-wolf—and the timber-wolf would get a full grown pony landing on its leg, and possibly its head. The wolf let go of my shoulder and tried to leap away, but it’s leg was still pinned…and now it was too late. Down it went. I heard a crunch like rotten wood snapping followed by an almost canine yelp of pain. As I scrambled to my feet I noted the wolf’s one leg was now broken in several places and tree-sap-like fluid now oozed yellow out several obvious splinters. I swallowed, trying to keep my gorge down. Maybe this was why Aikido strove for non-violence, because real-life wounds were not the awesome things tv made them out to be. The wolf however barely noticed, the hunger in its eyes had been replaced by something new, something dangerous. It knew it wasn’t going to make it out of this one. Even if it ran away, the leg would never heal properly, and it would starve before it healed anyway. I recognized that look, for I was wearing it not four hours ago—suicidal determination. It was going to go down fighting…and it was going to try to take me with it. I shifted into a fighting crouch, shoulder screaming all the while. I was tired, I hurt, and I was pretty certain despite my “experience” and “intelligence” I wasn’t going to beat even this one old lone wolf. But when my eyes met its, my expression said only one thing. Bring it moss-ball. The wolf charged. Aiming for my legs—trying to hobble me just like I hobble it. I reared. It missed my forehooves by an inch but snaked through my back legs to avoid getting crushed. My forehooves hit dirt and I lashed out with my rear set. It ducked under my blow and caught my left hoof on the way down. Its teeth dug into the tendons and I made a noise somewhere in between a scream and a roar. I whirled on the thing, knocking it off its balance and pinned it to the ground with my bad hoof. With my good one I stomped on it…again and again until the yellow glow left its eyes and its head could only be described as “a bloody pulp.” I had won. I suddenly really wished horses could retch. “You…” Lina said breathlessly, “Are so hot right now.” Oh god...she liked that. “Don’t talk to me.” I growled, voice slightly deeper than usual. “Is that what you wish Master?” “NO!” I screamed, uncaring how I sounded, “Just…stop. Please. Let me find some water, get cleaned up…get my head on straight. We can discuss your end of the bargain after that.” Lina was thankfully silent as limped away from the corpse as fast as my maimed legs would carry me. To Be Continued