You stand 10 paces away from your enemy, your friends watching on in unblinking terror.
“The loser of this fight, is sent back to Earth,” Princess Twilight says from the balcony of her castle.
Taking a deep breath, you crack your knuckles and stare directly at him.
“Fluttershy is mine.”
The alarm screams in your ear, marking the beginning of another marshmallowy, perfect, happy-go-lucky day in Equestria. Another day of having to deal with Fluttershy.
Fluttershy was a kind mare. Really, she was. But… she really, really needed to learn that you just weren’t interested in her. She’s came to your house everyday, asking you on dates, bringing you gifts, and even in weird outfits that must be sexy for ponies. You’re still trying to wrap around your head how the stockings managed to make her look even more naked than ponies are on a normal basis, but it’s probably best not to dwell on it. For awhile, her gestures were cute, even if a little bit sad. But the mare simply would not, could not, learn the definition of no. It was as if she treated you as another one of your animals in her collection and she simply knew what was best for you.
Apparently, what was best for you was in-between her legs.
You shake your head and roll out of bed, trying to shake the mental image out of your head. It’s best to just get all of this over with. The worst thing that could happen is that she interrupts you while you make breakfast and something gets burnt.
After a quick shower and checking out your muscles in the mirror, you head downstairs to get a bowl of cereal. Well, you like to call it cereal anyway. Almost all of the ‘cereals’ are basically cold oatmeal. You’d try to diversify your breakfast choices, but muffins are downright expensive in this town for some reason. It’s the weirdest thing.
Grabbing a bowl, the box of AppleOats from the cabinet, and milk from the fridge, you sit down to quickly eat before-
A knock at the door captures your attention. As expected. Another day of Fluttershy’s attempts to win you over. You take a deep breath for the sudden headache that comes over you. One of these days, this is going to have to stop. This is getting detrimental to your health. You quickly down two pony-strength asprin with some milk when she knocks a second time.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m coming. I’m coming.”
You open the door to see the familiar yellow pegasus standing on your doormat.
"Okay Fluttershy, what is it today?"
"Well, um, nothing. I actually wanted to come to say I'm sorry."
You stare at her in disbelief, folding your arms.
"Just like last time when you tried to see if false hope was my fetish?"
"Um, no?" she responds, suddenly unsure of herself.
"Really? I don't believe you."
"Well, um, I just realized that what I have been doing may have been wrong. I decided to say I'm sorry and see if we can just be friends."
"Really?" you ask
"Really."
"No tricks?"
"No tricks. I-I really am sorry."
"I still don't believe you."
She sighs and her eyes move to your doormat, seeming dejected. Fluttershy pauses as if unsure what to say. You can hear her exhale, then raise her head to you.
"Well, I'm sorry to hear that Anon. I understand that I crossed a line by being blinded by love. I'll just have to live with the consequences."
She slowly walks away from your house, seeming to have trouble keeping her head high. Her trot suggests that she just sustained a mortal wound. You can tell that what she just did wasn’t easy. Maybe one of her pony friends put her up to this? Who knows… maybe this isn’t like the other days. Maybe she’s truly being sincere. Maybe the days of Rube Goldberg machines to secretly hide lewd pictures of herself in your newspaper are over. If that’s the case… you can’t just let her think you’re going to hate her forever. You have to do something.
"Fluttershy!" you call out to her.
She turns to face you, a light behind her eyes. Her gaze focuses on you, questioningly and hopeful.
"If your being serious, then just give me some time," you say.
She smiles in understanding then trots away, her invisible affliction seemingly lifted.
You can’t help but find a new skip in your step as you close the door. That’s it! The saga is over. No longer are you going to be objectified by Fluttershy! Maybe she’ll begin treating you like an actual person rather than one of her animals. Well, if that means she’s going to go all shy on you every time you meet… maybe that isn’t a huge improvement. Regardless, it’s at least going to set you more at ease to not be barraged at every angle for pony love.
You quickly down your cereal and skip off to your job at Sweet Apple Acres. Picking apples with Applejack is some serious blue-collar work, but the pay is enough and it keeps you in shape. The day simply whizzes by with the news from this morning. You even join in with Applejack’s spontaneous apple picking songs in two part harmony. Which is saying something. You’re a terrible singer. Finally, once the sun is high in the sky, you and Applejack decide to take a break from the harvest to grab some lunch at the barn. Grabbing the wheelbarrow, you wipe the sweat from your forehead and follow the apple mare.
"Jeez, Sugarcube. Ah figured y'all wouldn't be in today. Figurin’ Fluttershy was gonna break up with ya this mornin’."
You couldn’t help but laugh. This was something you weren’t going to miss. The constant misconception that the whole town believes you’re a couple.
"We were never a couple Applejack. I've told you this a million times," you say.
"Aww, now that's the heartbreak talkin’. Why don't ya take the afternoon off. I can handle things down here fer today."
A day off? What? Applejack wasn’t a work nazi by any means… but she normally doesn’t just give out free days off. You could try to correct her and assure her that you aren’t in some deep heartbreaking struggle for Fluttershy, or…
"Well, thanks! I really appreciate it. See ya tomorrow!" you say, dropping the wheelbarrow and leaving Applejack to her business. You set off at a jog out of Sweet Apple Acres, a smile plastered on your face.
'First Fluttershy, now the afternoon off! Today couldn't possibly get better!' you think. ‘Now what in the world can I do with my day off?’
Heading back towards Ponyville, you can't help but wonder what brought on Fluttershy's actions. Not that it matters. Maybe you two can hang out like normal friends. She wasn't really that bad of a pony. In fact, she was kinda cute. It might be nice to actually get to know her on your own terms. Give and take. Like actual people. Ponies. Whatever.
'Maybe I should celebrate! Sugarcube Corner should have some fresh muffins right about now,’ you thought. The idea of actually having the chance to get a muffin before the lunch rush sets you off towards your destination.
Once you get to the shop, you enter with the confidence of ten royal guards.
"I'll take the freshest thing out of the oven, Pinkie Pie!"
"If it isn’t my favorite human! We just had a chocolate cake come out. Lemme grab it."
She bounces into the kitchen, and brings out a chocolate cake that would make Celestia's mouth water.
"Here we go! A devil’s food three-tiered cake with milk-chocolate buttercream frosting."
"Alrighty Pinkie, what's the damage?" you ask, grabbing for your wallet.
Pinkie looks you over carefully, a concerned look in her eye. A bittersweet smile graces her lips as she ponders a thought. Her cheerful demeanor fades to one of compassion and sympathy.
"Well. Uhm. I heard about you and Fluttershy this morning. I… I feel just awful for you."
You can’t help but sigh as another one of your friends gives you completely unnecessary consolation.
"Pinkie, I think this is for the best. I was getting really tired of Fluttershy and her constant attempts to win me over."
She stares at you blank-eyed, not seeming to register your words.
"Oookkay Anon, whatever you need to tell yourself. Just know that I'm here if you need somepony to make you smile, okay?"
You can’t help but shake your head. Typical Pinkie.
"Sure Pinkie, I appreciate it."
"The cake is on me today. Go ahead and run home."
You pick up your cake with a wide smile.
"Well I don't have to go anywhere for a while, if you want company."
"I don't think that's…"
The entrance bell jingles.
"Oh I'm just so happy you decided to let me show you around town, Anon."
Wait a second… is that Fluttershy’s voice? You turn to see Fluttershy with someone you have never seen before.
Wait. Someone.
The sound of a breaking plate rings through the bakery. The blue floor gets a new chocolate coating, as you stare at the only other human you have seen in months. He was tall, just barely taller than you, with brown neat hair wearing a t-shirt and jeans. His eyes turn to you and he gives you a smug smile.
"Oh, um. Hey guys,” Fluttershy says to you and Pinkie. “This is Anon. Anon, this is the only other human in Equestria and my friend Pinkie."
"We aren't ex's. We weren't even a thing," you’re quick to interject, bitterness entering your tone.
Pinkie winces and Anon continues to stare. Fluttershy frowns and grabs Anon’s hand. He holds her hoof tight. Your stomach clenches and the room is beginning to feel hotter.
“Well, I'm sure we will be great friends. Humans have to stick together, right?” Anon says. “I'll be sure to hit you up after Fluttershy shows me around town.”
"I can't wait," you respond.
You head out of Sugarcube corner, walking through the chocolate mess that trails behind you.
All the pieces are now firmly in place. She didn't want to be your friend, you were replaced.
Not that it matters or anything.
But, clearly it does. You’re fuming. There’s a knife sitting in your throat that make it hard to say words properly. You want to scream. You want to punch something. You feel like something was taken away from you that you could never possibly redeem. But why? You never were a fan of Fluttershy’s antics. She’s always rubbed you the wrong way. Is this just disappointment?
Stewing in your thoughts, you get home in no time. You kick your door open and sit on your couch, trying to absorb the new information.
"Why am I so mad?” you groan, trying to make sense of the situation. “I wanted Fluttershy gone so much and now she is!"
You stand up and begin to pace your living room.
"There is even a new human in Equestria. Maybe being here won't be so miserable all the time. I should have just walked right up to him. Introduced myself. Became best friends. That’s what makes sense. That’s what should happen."
Your words leave a flavor of bile in your mouth. Those words couldn't be believable if you tried. You sit down on your couch again, staring at the living room floor, trying to make sense of the situation. This doesn’t make sense. None of this makes sense. In a short time, you realize you sit in a dark room and turn on some lights.
Without lunch, dinner, and the thorough workout this morning you should be ravenous, but the last thing you want is food. Perhaps it would be best to eat something. You head to the fridge, open the door, and stare apatheticly at each item inside. Then, a knock at the door grabs your attention.
“Who… oh,” you ask, realizing who it likely is as soon as the word leaves your mouth.
You head to the door and take a moment to compose yourself. Maybe this is the chance to redeem yourself for your actions this morning. You can make a fresh start and try to be friends with this guy. Opening the door, you find Anon on the other side of the door giving you a shit-eating grin like none other that you’ve seen before.
“What’s up, broseph?” he asks.
His words immediately make your fists clench.
"Hey. Uh. Wanna come in?" you ask, trying to relax.
"Yeah, sure," he says.
You step aside to let the newcomer in.
"Weird place, huh? Equestria. I never imagined I'd ever find a place like this,” he says.
"Yeah, I know what you mean."
Those first few days were brutal when you first arrived. You can relate to him.
"Everyone is really nice here though, especially that Fluttershy one. I'm sorry that things didn't work out between you two," he says with acid in his tone.
Yeah, sure.
"Let's not talk about that," you reply.
"Sure. Lemme get to the point then. We’re busy people. I came by to see if you wanted a roommate. The mayor thought you might be interested."
Your chest becomes tight and it's harder not to curse at him.
"Sorry, I've always been the solitary type. Find your own place."
A smile grows on Anon’s face as he folds his arms.
"She said you might say that."
"The mayor?"
"Nope, which is why I'm staying at Fluttershy's place tonight."
"I see. Well, I'd hate to make you late. Why don't I show you the way out, Anon."
You probably put too much emphasis on the last word.
"I getcha, I getcha. Well then."
He leaves the house, but stops halfway out the door, and puts on a devilish voice.
"Wish me luck, bro."
He slams the door on the way out.
"Douchebag."
You lay down on your couch, fuming at everything that has happened today. Wasn't this what you always wanted? To get Fluttershy off your back? Shouldn't you be happy for her that she found someone interested in her as well?
Too tired to think, you fall asleep.