Dan grabbed the phone, his hand interfering with the prince's magic grasp. "He'll call you back."
Blueblood tried to yank the phone out of Dan's hand. "What ARE you doing?! Let go of my car phone!"
"Get off my ride." Dan pulled the phone back.
"Unhand the royal phone!"
"Get off. My. Ride."
"Ngggghhh!" The prince groaned, pulling the phone between the two of them. Dan did not release, glaring steadfast at Blueblood. He leaned forward as the usurper pulled but his feet didn't move an inch. Blueblood wasn't used to even this amount of magical exertion; his levitation grip faded against Dan's physical hold.
*crunk*"OW!" And it clocked him right in the side of the head.
"Aha-haha-haha-ha-*clunk* OWHH!" The phone's cord snapped back in Dan's grip and it rubberbanded, still in the human's grasp, right into Blueblood's muzzle.
"You STRUCK me!"
"You hit ME!"
The two grabbed each other by the shoulders, determined to push the other off the side. Teeth gritted, they twisted and pulled each other, locked in a battle of grips. The corded car phone, still in Dan's hand, began to wrap around them as they they spun. After three wraps, the tautness of the early 90's telephone yanked them back to the dashboard and sprung them over the side.
"Grallgghh!!"
"Uhhllgghh!!"
The pair hung in front of the chariot, momentarily strangled by the plastic-coated wire, smashed together and grasping their necks. Fortunately, their combined weight pulled the chariot's solid gold podium platform down, causing it to lean until the pair of them were on the ground. Blueblood quickly took advantage of that fact and before Dan could free himself from the tangled phone line, the prince teleported out of it.
"Aahhhhhhh!!!" The immediate lack of weight caused the chariot to flip back up again and Dan to get flipped with it. He was flung like a catapult back around onto the chariot's platform and smashed into the wooden finish.
"Ha-haha-haha," Blueblood laughed as Dan was flung. "Oh…" His laugh abruptly stopped as the chariot continued its catapult motion and snapped back down again, hammering the white stallion into the dirt with a solid *wham*. It continued rocking back and fourth, smashing him into the ground.
"Uhhhllll… oooooog…" The prince groaned, flattened against the dirt. Finally, the chariot stopped the hammering motion and stood upright again.
*WHAM*
"AUGLLLPH!" It slammed him one more time for no apparent reason.
*WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM* Then a few more times probably because it didn't like Blueblood either.
"Errrrgghh… gerrrrrrrr…" Tiny, gold cartoony parasprites circled Blueblood's head as he lay there dazed.
Grabbing the handlebars, Dan pulled himself up from the floor. His disorientation cleared immediately when he saw the prone form of Blueblood laying on the ground in front of him. "HaHA! And now, I'm gonna run you over with MY chariot!" He revved the handlebars and hit the primer for what he thought was the ignition.
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!" In actuality, it was the ejector seat.
Blueblood slowly pried himself off the ground, bruised and covered in dirt. His tiara-crown hybrid was crumpled to resemble more of a paper crown and was missing jewels while other gems were loose, as were his teeth. He steadied himself against the chariot and in response, the chariot started to lean forward to crush him again but he quickly braced against it to stop that from happening.
*fwhump* Dan landed on the ground just a few feet away from him. He was on his feet by the time Blueblood shambled over to him. For a few huffing moments, the pair stared at each other, both beaten and angry.
"You… you don't deserve to be a prince… of anything. Not even of a mini golf course. Or tennis."
"Oh, save it," Blueblood brushed off the threat. "No one ever gets what they… what they deserve. They either get more… or they get less. Like you. Or the shapeshifter. Both of you didn't deserve to be a part of this world but here you are… screwing things up for everypony else."
Rage burned inside Dan. His breathing became faster, harder.
"You don't say that about Chrys, asshole! She could change into a better ruler than you if she changed into the throne you sat on!"
"You're all peasants!" Blueblood yelled. "I've been treated like a spoiled snob since I was born! I didn't get the chance to be anything else! And I waited in line for the throne for years just to watch her give it up to a unicorn who'd rather be in Ponyville?! Living with these hicks?!!"
"Wait….," Dan held up his hand, panting. "You were supposed to be the ruler of… of Ponyville?"
Blueblood shook his head, steadying himself on the chariot. "No, you buffoon, but I was the next in line for a kingdom. There's more royalty than there are provinces. Auntie Tia assigns territory to princes and princesses based on lineage, our place in the royal family. She has for generations! After Luna came back, I was SUPPOSED to get assigned a province and Earl Earl was supposed to get my country club! But now, little Twilight Sparkle's a princess so EVERYTHING's been shifted again!"
"She probably knew you wouldn't make a good leader."
"I am a great leader!"
"Ha," Dan scoffed. "You couldn't lead a parade if you started marching in front of one and twirled a baton."
"Pfft. You already used that joke once."
"You know what else I used?" Dan held up the car phone. "This."
Whatever smug grin Blueblood wore was immediately wiped off him when Dan punched him with the car phone. The prince was hit so hard he spun around and hit the chariot's side, like when George McFly slugged out Biff at the end of Back to The Future. But unlike that movie, Dan didn't let up. He grabbed BB by the shoulder and wailed into him again with the car phone.
"You. Have. An. Incoming. Call!" Dan said, repeatedly slugging the white pony.
"*burr-barr-breee*"We're sorry; the number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again." The phone finally broke. Dan put it on top of Blueblood's head like it was an answering machine.
Triumphant, the human stomped back over to the house and pounded on the door. "Twilight! Guys! I have good news!"
The door opened. Most of them were already dressed but apparently Fluffle was a bit too… fluffy… for her uniform.
The fluffy mare glared unamusedly as Twilight and Phoenix tried to get the bedazzled shirt over her font hooves."Thppppbbbbbbpppp…" I am NOT fat. This is just my winter fluff.
(But it's spring.) Phoenix's inner dialogue said.
"Pbbbbbttthrrpp." My fluff doesn't obey your puny nature rules, lawyer.
(Point taken.)
"Guys, I got good news," Dan announced. "We aren't going anywhere with Bloomers."
"Why's that… hrrrgggg… Dan?" Twilight asked, pulling the uniform over Fluffle.
Dan threw his thumb over his shoulder. "I had a phone conference with the monarch and he's decided to reconsider his position."
"Really?" Chrys asked. "How did you manage that?"
"Once again, violence has solved all our problems," Dan said with satisfaction. "I've yet to meet a situation the right application of force combined with verbal abuse could not correct."
"Awwww…" Blast Fuse and Blast Powder moaned from underneath a pile of bombs and a stack of TNT. "But we wanted to use explosive force!"
Dan ruffled their manes. "There's always next time, girls."
Another knock at the door drew their attention. "Excuse me? Are you all quite done?"
The hair on the back of Dan's neck spiked. "How the heck could he be up again so quickly?!"
Twilight shrugged. "Respawned? Someone rezzed him?"
Stomping over, Dan tore open the door. Behind it, Blueblood stood, unscathed and even his crown was undamaged. "Well, thank goodness you're decent, captain. Are we ready to depart?"
"How the buck are you standing?" Dan asked. "I gave you the royal beatdown you deserved!"
"What?" Blueblood asked, momentarily confused. "OH, haha. You must've been talking about my stunt double, Bleublood."
Dan's face went blank. "Stunt double?" Over the prince's shoulder, a pair of paramedics were already hauling off a second Blueblood on a stretcher. "I feel cheated now."
"Ah-haha-ha," the prince laughed. "Did you really think it would be that easy, captain? Well, I do hope you enjoyed your chance to vent a little frustration but we must be going. Hop to it, now!"
The human frowned and turned back to Twilight and the others. "Can you guys wait inside for another five minutes?"