Vigilance stared down at the waterlogged remnants of the paper boat. A chill ran through him despite the warmth of the late afternoon. The placid waters of the pond dragged his gaze from the boat until he peered into their depths, wondering whether the shape to drift slowly into view would be the body of a drowned colt with a dark green mane.
The security guard closed his eyes, trying to envision how events might have transpired. String Bean would have been following the boat down the river, probably laughing delightedly as he trotted after the toy his father had given him. Had he started to canter as the speed of the current increased? Maybe. Vigilance hadn’t taken that good a look at the prints in the mud. The colt had reached the end of the stream and had probably watched his boat sail out serenely into the pond… Would he have gone after it when it sailed out of reach? Probably not right away. Maybe he had gone to the other side to wait for the boat. When it failed to run aground, he could have reached for it. Farther… farther… too far. Splash.
Sweeping the edge of the pond, Vigilance looked carefully for clues. Here and there he saw crushed vegetation—traces of where String Bean had stood at the edge of the pond reaching for the runaway paper boat. At any moment, Vigilance expected to see the colt’s body rise to the surface, mane waving gently in the languid currents of the pond. He gritted his teeth and banished the thoughts, continuing the search.
At least, Vigilance tried to continue the search. Screw Loose’s bark was muffled through the end of the stallion’s tail as she gripped it with her teeth, tugging at it insistently. “Wurf! Grrr…”
Vigilance wheeled, ears flattening against his skull as he glared at the madmare. “Not now Screw Loose! I’m trying to find this colt!”
The madmare took a few steps back and whined, looking almost ready to cry. Or maybe that was just an effect of her still water-heavy mane, drooping to make her seem more melancholy than usual. She took a few anxious steps towards him, then reversed course and darted back a bit towards the forest, pausing only to look back at Vigilance with pleading eyes.
Frankly, Vigilance was in no mood to care what the attention-seeking mare wanted. Shooting Screw Loose a scathing look, he turned back to the edge of the pond. He took a step forward—only to find himself jerked back again with even more force than before. The security guard jerked his tail away and kicked out threateningly at the annoying mare, missing her muzzle by mere inches. “Quit it!”
More slowly than before, Screw Loose took a few deliberate steps away from the pond. She lowered her muzzle, snuffling at the ground. Her tail started to wag. In a moment she was up again. The mare cantered a few steps towards the tree line and turned back to Vigilance, barking again.
What was the crazy pony up to now? If Vigilance’s mood hadn’t already been sour, Screw Loose’s behavior would have made it so. There would be no way for the security guard to do anything useful if she kept up these antics. A young colt’s life might be at stake.
The security guard trotted forward, already searching the vegetation of the forest for any vines he could use to tie up Screw Loose and get her out of the way until he had time to coddle her. Oblivious to his intent, Screw Loose trotted happily ahead of him, looking back every few steps as though to make sure he was still following. Vigilance smiled viciously. “Yeah, I’ll follow you, Screwy… Just you wait.”
Vigilance reached the thicker foliage at the edge of the forest and bent low to seize a likely looking vine to do service as a rope. He stopped. There, caught in the rough bark of a nearby tree, was a colorful wisp of dark green hair. Below it on the gnarled tree roots was a bit of mud that might have come from somepony’s hooves after a short trek down a muddy streambed. The security guard looked up and into Screw Loose’s wide, staring eyes. The mare barked expectantly. “Wurf!”
“No, that’s ridiculous,” said Vigilance, mostly to himself. It wasn’t possible. There was no bucking way. A pony’s nose just wasn’t that sensitive. But… he glanced at the telltale signs on the tree. Somepony had come this way. Somepony the size of a younger pony. Somepony with mud on his hooves and a dark green mane or tail. And now that he thought of it, who had gotten him to the stream in the first place? What had Screw Loose been doing as Vigilance argued with the colt’s idiot of a father? She’d been sniffing along the tree line. Investigating. She’d practically dragged him here.
Looking back up at Screw Loose, Vigilance shook his head. “This is stupid. This is crazy. There’s no moon-banished way you can track a pony by his scent!”
Tail wagging slowly, Screw Loose tilted her head slightly to the side as she watched her incredulous escort wrestle with undreamed-of possibilities. She listened attentively as he muttered to himself but after a few moments, her eyes narrowed. Clearly enough was enough. “Bark! Bark bark ruff!”
“All right. Let me get my bearings,” Vigilance sighed. Returning to the edge of the pond, the earth pony took a quick look around. He had a pretty good sense of direction, but without some landmarks like… like that tall rock on the far ridgeline rising above the trees, he might get lost. As luck would have it, the ridge was in the perfect spot. The security guard turned back to Screw Loose. “Okay! Let’s go.”
Barking happily, Screw Loose bent low and began to trot forward, her nose to the ground and nostrils flared as she drank in the smells of Whitetail Wood on the hunt for one very specific scent. Still shaking his head at his own craziness, Vigilance hurried to keep up. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. Was he catching the madmare’s insanity? Sweet Celestia, he hoped not.
* * *
“You doing okay, Screwy? We’ve been out here a while.” Vigilance looked up at the sky—at least, what little of it was visible through the thick canopy of the Whitetail Wood. The rents in the leafy roof of the forest showed that the blue expanse of the sky was looking decidedly orange. It was nearing sunset.
With the initial adrenaline of the chase long faded from his veins, Vigilance found himself raked by the icy claws of doubt. Had he misread Screw Loose’s intent? Did she even have an intent? Did the mental patient really have the ability to track String Bean’s trail, or was she just being, well, Screw Loose? The security guard tried to imagine explaining his decisions to the royal guard—or to the bereaved Rocky and Lemon. Lost in thought, the stallion tripped on a rock and cursed as he caught himself. “Ponyfeathers! This had better be worth it, Screw Loose!”
Screw Loose’s hooves scrabbled against hard rock as she climbed a rocky slope. She reached the top and barked impatiently until Vigilance joined her. He breathed a sigh of relief. They were at another clearing again. The not-quite-trail they’d followed to get here had been winding and long—diverting here and there to interesting plants or ant hills and, in one nearly disastrous case, a tree containing a bee hive. But now the crazy mare’s nose was leading the pair… up.
Vigilance craned his neck, looking up at the high ridge before them. It was the same one he’d glimpsed over an hour before through the trees. Had String Bean seen it too and decided to climb to the top for a great view and the wind in his face? The stallion certainly hoped so. It seemed like something he would have done as a colt. His hopes rising, the security guard followed Screw Loose across the clearing and up the ridge.
When Screw Loose’s tail began to wag faster and the mare picked up the pace, Vigilance found his hopes rising even faster than before. It had been a long shot, but it seemed to be paying off. She’d found something.
A forlorn whine from Screw Loose prompted Vigilance to hurry up the slope. In the failing light the security guard was nearly on top of her before he realized why she’d stopped. A long, wide crevice cut the stone of the ridge in two. Perched on the edge of the deep rift, Vigilance could tell that it was too far to jump. They would have to go around. “Come on, Screwy. Let’s pick up the trail on the other side.”
“Bark bark!” retorted Screw Loose. Darting forward, she went over the edge. The sound of sliding stone and desperately working hooves filled Vigilance’s ears as the madmare disappeared almost before he could react.
“Aw, buck no! You stupid pony, why did you do that?” the security guard groaned. Vigilance fumbled for his flashlight. In the increasingly red light of the sunset, Vigilance couldn’t see how far down Screw Loose had gone. Hopefully she could still climb out on her own.
The sliding, scrabbling sounds of Screw Loose’s descent cut off abruptly. Working quickly, Vigilance clicked on the flashlight and leaned over the edge of the rift, playing the light over the rocky cleft below. As the beam flashed over the blue-white shape of the madmare, Vigilance caught something else in the light. It was small, much smaller than Screw Loose. And it was a bright yellow-green. Lime green, perhaps.
“String Bean?!” Vigilance blurted. His incaution was rewarded as the flashlight dropped form his open mouth and clattered down the slope. The security guard swore as the flashlight bounced and slid its way to the bottom, beam waving wildly. Somehow, it didn’t break. Flickering and dim, it still managed to illuminate the missing colt and the madmare who had found him.
“Hey! String Bean! Are you all right?” called Vigilance, crouching low and watching young pony for any signs of life. He breathed a sigh of relief when the colt’s ears flicked at the sound of his name, but other than that slight movement the colt stayed worryingly still.
Whining nervously, Screw Loose slid along the crevice and nuzzled the colt insistently. String Bean groaned and shifted. He looked blearily up into the face of his rescuer for a moment. She looked back, panting cheerily. He screamed.
“Hey! None of that! String Bean! String Bean, eyes up here!” Vigilance shouted.
“Help! Help! A wolfpony! Get it away from me! Heeeeeeelp!” the colt yelled.
“Wurf!” Screw Loose woofed, managing to sound hurt.
“Calm down, String Bean! She’s not a wolfpony! We’re here to rescue you!” Bending low, the security guard cupped his hooves on either side of his muzzle to be heard over String Bean’s screams. The colt didn’t hear a word of it. He was too busy yelling his head off.
Screw Loose whined again, rubbing her much-abused ears. After a moment of deliberation she bent down and licked the crying child. String Bean’s eyes went wide and his shouts stopped abruptly as the madmare licked him again. “H-hey! Stop that! Th-that tickles!”
“She’s not a wolfpony,” Vigilance repeated now that he no longer had to shout to be heard. “And we’re here to rescue you.”
The colt considered this for a moment as he fended off further attempts by Screw Loose to give his face a tongue-bath. “S-she isn’t? You aren’t? But… But she acts like a wolfpony!”
Vigilance facehoofed. “Don’t worry about that right now! Are you okay?”
String Bean got to his hooves, testing sore limbs and wincing slightly. “I… I think so.”
“Okay, good! We’ll have you out of there in a little while!” Vigilance promised. Now he just had to figure out how. “I’ll be right back. I’m… going to get some rope, or something. Yes. Some rope. Don’t worry, Screw Loose can keep you company!”
“Is she going to lick me again?” the colt asked.
Vigilance hesitated. “Er… Probably.”
* * *
Vigilance’s muscles burned as he galloped down the trail towards Ponyville. For once, being a five-time participant in the annual Running of the Leaves was paying off. Once he’d gotten his bearings from the high ridge, finding his way back to town had been a piece of cake. With the lights of Ponyville glowing yellow in the middle distance, the security guard sped up and headed straight for town hall.
The exhausted stallion wasn’t really sure how things would play out when he got the royal guards. Leaving String Bean with a mental patient definitely wouldn’t look good, but what choice had there been? The area around the ridge had been entirely innocent of adequately large vines or branches to serve as a makeshift rope and he couldn’t very well just wait until Screw Loose got crazy enough to believe she was a unicorn. Although at this point he wouldn’t put it past her to be able to solve the problem with magic if she took it into her head to do so.
The bluish lights of the royal guard office still glowed in the windows as Vigilance approached the town hall. His headlong gallop slowed to a canter and then to a quick trot. Still wheezing, the security guard bounded up the steps and stumbled through the open door. He leaned against the frame for a minute, catching his breath. Locked in a heated argument, the ponies in the office failed to notice the security guard’s arrival.
“I’m sorry, sir, but from what you say, your son has hardly been missing long enough for us to start an official search,” a guard officer said evenly, clearly struggling to keep his voice level and calm despite the agitated stallion on the far side of the desk.
Rocky stamped in frustration, nearly driving his hoof through the floorboards. “I’m telling you, String Bean is missing! We don’t have any idea where he is, and the only ‘help’ I’ve gotten so far was from some bucking stupid rent-a-guard and his…”
The angry father trailed off as he noticed Vigilance leaning in the doorway. Rocky’s mouth worked silently for a minute. The security guard’s sudden appearance even moved the royal guardspony behind the desk to raise an eyebrow. The gray-pelted stallion glared. “You. You’ve got a lot of nerve, coming in here looking for help after you—”
“Found him,” Vigilance interrupted, still gasping for breath. “In a… crevice. Need some rope or… a unicorn. Follow me.”
Rocky blinked. He looked from Vigilance to the royal guard and back again. “W-well what are you waiting for, you foal?! Let’s go!”
* * *
Vigilance shifted from hoof to hoof, glancing nervously around Doctor Stable’s office. He’d been here before—Celestia knew, he’d been here too many times in the past week. But this time it was different. This time he wasn’t wearing his usual Ponyville General Hospital security guard uniform. He felt naked. In fact he was, but that wasn’t the point. The point was, he was out of uniform. Why had the doctor asked him to come like this? The stallion had a sinking suspicion that he knew. But the unicorn—and the entire rest of the staff—was being annoying close-lipped about it all.
“Vigilance,” said Doctor Stable. The unicorn looked like he was about to say more, but didn’t. Instead, he rustled the papers on his desk as he’d done so many times before. The doctor was stalling.
“Good morning, sir,” Vigilance replied. Yes, it was a good morning. A good morning to get fired. He couldn’t imagine any other outcome from this meeting.
In retrospect, Vigilance couldn’t see how he’d been suckered into taking part in something that was obviously a one way-trip to Unemploymentville. Sure, he’d done what the doctor had told him to do, but he knew how that would play with the hospital administrators. Under his watch—his decidedly medically unqualified watch—a mental patient had been exposed to danger on multiple occasions, climaxing in a very well publicized and newspaper-worthy example of just how much Ponyville General valued the safety of its patients. He could still remember the headlines: ‘Local Madmare, Security Guard Rescue Colt.’ Somepony had even run an editorial on it: ‘Are Heroics the New Psychotherapy?’
An example had to be made to show that Ponyville General Hospital didn’t support this kind of thing as a matter of course. Sure, Doctor Stable had ordered it, but what was easier for the administrators to replace? A unicorn doctor with years of medical training who had gotten just a bit too enthusiastic, or some earth pony stallion who couldn’t even get into the royal guard?
Doctor Stable cleared his throat. He was obviously done marshaling whatever words he had to say on how sorry he was to have to let Vigilance go. The unicorn pushed a paper across the desk for Vigilance to read. “Ahem. I… just wanted to say how glad we all are here at Ponyville General to have worked with a skilled and dedicated pony like yourself, Vigilance.”
The blood froze in Vigilance’s veins. So this was it, then. He was surprised to note that his hoof didn’t shake as he reached out and pulled the paper the rest of the way across the desk. At least the doctor wasn’t giving him his marching orders on that garish pink slip.
Time to see what the damage was. Vigilance began to read—and paused, looking up in surprise. “This isn’t… I’m not being fired.”
“You aren’t,” the doctor agreed. “As you can see in the latest missive from our ineffable hospital administrators, our little experiment is being considered… less than a success.”
Vigilance continued scanning the memorandum. ‘Less than a success’ was putting it mildly. Sizzling with phrases like ‘not in the fine traditions of the Ponyville General Hospital’ and ‘severe and deleterious effects on the reputation of our establishment’ (whatever that meant, it sounded bad), the administrators demanded a complete review of the program and stopped just short of demanding the dismissal of everypony involved.
With a cough, Doctor Stable drew the security guard’s eyes back to him. “I think you can see the implications on your job.”
“Uh.” Vigilance hesitated and glanced down at the paper again. “So I am being fired?”
“Again, no. Distressingly, I am going to have to… postpone Ms. Pony’s current treatment regimen for a little while until the administrators calm down.” Doctor Stable shuffled the neat piles of papers on his desk, inching it a few more notches back towards its usual clutter. “It’s simply unfortunate that you won’t be available to assist Ms. Pony when I finally convince them to re-start the program.”
Pressing a hoof to his face, Vigilance sighed in exasperation. “Doctor Stable. Please stop dancing around the issue. If I’m fired, let me know. I don’t want to have to keep asking you.”
In lieu of an answer, Doctor Stable smiled. He withdrew another sheet of paper—no, an envelope—and passed it to the possibly-ex-security guard. “Then, read this.”
The envelope was a simple one, without much decoration or finery. It didn’t need it. The seal it bore was the official symbol of the Equestrian Royal Guard. Vigilance eased up the flap to see the letter inside, noting the envelope had already been deftly cut open. Probably with a scalpel or other sharp tool. He eyed the doctor. “You know, opening somepony else’s mail is a crime.”
Doctor Stable chuckled. “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive the staff at Ponyville General for being concerned for your welfare… Guard-Recruit Vigilance.”
Pulse pounding excitedly in his ears, Vigilance slid out the letter and read it. He read it again. He read it yet a third time, feeling the delighted smile stretch across his muzzle as he poured over every line. “I’m… I’m in. I’m really in!”
“Assuming that nothing untoward happens before you finish the training, of course,” observed Doctor Stable. Vigilance scowled. That was one pony who probably needed work on his bedside manner.
“Has he told Vig yet?” hissed a voice outside the office door. Vigilance looked up from his fourth read-through of the letter.
“Shut up, you daft filly!” snapped a second, drier voice. “You’ll give us away!”
The sound of a scuffle outside finally tugged Vigilance’s away from the wonderful letter. He turned to the door just in time for it to creak open. A pair of nurses stood frozen, returning his surprised stare with sheepish looks as they contrived to portray an air of innocence. Nurse Coldheart coughed. “Hello, Vigilance. You’re still here? We were just stopping by the office with some paperwork for Doctor Stable to—”
“Ooooh, has the doctor told you yet, Vig?!” squealed Nurse Sweetheart.
“Don’t call me that,” Vigilance groaned. “And yes. Yes he—ulp!”
The guard recruit’s words were choked off by an enthusiastic hug from the younger mare. Nurse Sweetheart squeezed Vigilance once more for good measure and let go, having the decency to look faintly embarrassed. “Er… well, congratulations. We, ah, we didn’t really have anything planned for you, but we promise to get Pinkie Pie to throw you a party when you get back from training!”
“Thanks,” said Vigilance, absently rubbing his much-abused neck.
Nurse Coldheart cleared her throat. “We were here to say our goodbyes. So, goodbye.”
“Goodbye!” chirped Nurse Sweetheart.
“Goodbye, Vigilance. Thank you,” said Doctor Stable, struggling to keep from laughing as he watched the former security guard look stiffly from one pony to the next.
“Er… Goodbye, I guess. Thank you all,” Vigilance managed. He started to trot away.
A cough from Nurse Coldheart halted the guard recruit. She raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t there… somepony else you should be saying goodbye to, Vigilance?”
“Why, who would I… oh. Of course.” Vigilance nodded and headed for the psychiatric ward.
Screw Loose was waiting for Vigilance when he arrived. As before, she bounded up, planting her front hooves on the glass and barking happily. He’d found it weird, before. Even annoying. Now, he smiled. “Hey, Screw Loose.”
“Bark bark! Wurf!” the madmare exclaimed.
When Vigilance entered her room Screw Loose sat politely on her haunches, but her tail was wagging furiously as he approached. The guard recruit took a deep breath. “You know, Screwy… You’re…”
Screw Loose waited for the stallion to continue. She tilted her head a bit to the right. When he still said nothing, she tilted it left. The mare panted happily when Vigilance chuckled.
“You’re nuttier than a fruitcake,” Vigilance said. “But you’re all right. I guess I was wrong about you. You can still help ponies. You’re… not just a freeloader.”
“Bark bark!” agreed Screw Loose.
“And I hope you get better one day, Screw Loose.” Vigilance waited for a response from the madmare. She simply waited for him to finish. “…So I can thank you properly.”
The sudden grin flashed across Screw Loose’s muzzle. It lit up her face, giving her eyes the spark of intelligence rarely glimpsed there and smoothing her usual twisted expression into something pleasant and almost beautiful. And just as Vigilance’s eyes widened in surprise, the madmare leaped at him and the pair went down in a tangle of limbs.
“Aaauugh!” Vigilance groaned as he tried to push away the panting, licking, barking pony. “Right in the mouth! Get off, Screwy! Get off!”
Turning his head away to avoid another tongue to the muzzle, Vigilance looked at the door and beheld his worst nightmare. There was Nurse Coldheart, her eyes as chilly and calculating as her smile. And she had a camera. The nurse shook her head in mock disapproval. “Oh dear. I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything. But try to keep it down. Our other patients need their rest.”
“No,” Vigilance cried. “Don’t—!”
The shutter clicked and Nurse Coldheart’s smile widened. “Just a little something for us to remember you by…”
Screw Loose barked apologetically and went back to licking Vigilance’s face. The guard recruit could only whimper.
A/N: And that’s a wrap. I hope you all enjoyed this short tale. It went a bit over what I had planned for it in length, but I don’t regret it; I had fun with the characters.
If this story taught me one thing it was this—COMPUTERS AND WORD PROCESSORS ARE GOD’S GIFT TO WRITERS. Draft one of chapter one was written almost entirely by hand in a notebook (which was the whole point of doing this story, as I’ve said; I needed something short to write while on a training exercise when I wouldn’t have a computer) and boy howdy was that a pain. Especially trying to read my own handwriting later to transfer the chapter to a computer. Augh.
Anyway once again, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Minus the part where your hand feels like it’s going to fall off after a chapter.