//------------------------------// // Van Down by the River // Story: You Only Live Twice // by makey101 //------------------------------// As I approached the town, I decided to pull off and park my car near the river on the other side of a fairly large hill. This should give me a modicum of privacy at least. Sure it wouldn't truly keep anybody away, but it would at least attract less attention. The call of nature found me in the short time it took me to park my car. That is when the horrifying truth of the matter came to mind: I do not have a place to live. Perhaps that Twilight knows where I could crash. After I finished *ahem* natural business, I locked the door to my van and began meandering. I stopped at the water's edge to get a closer look at myself. I kept my eye color and hair style. Only this time my fur coat was a pastel shade of evergreen. My hair was still a light brown, giving me the look of an up-side-down tree. I'm cool with that I guess. The only thing out of place was a tattoo on by butt. It was a picture of an oar. I suppose Charon wanted to tag me or something. I walked away from the water and walked into town. I noted the town had a strong Bavarian feel to it. It felt just like Levenworth (a Bavarian themed town in Washington. Lovely place) and also, well, like when I went to Bavaria. Quaint houses and shops on cobblestone and dirt streets. There are even thatched roofed cottages. Don't call Trogdor. Your thoughts were interrupted by colliding with another pony. We tumbled on the ground before coming to rest. When I opened my eyes I came face to face with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. Most blue eyes are just light blue. These were blue. My observations were brought short by a squeak followed by the pony I ran into scurrying away. "O-oh my! Excuse me darling! I'm afraid I wasn't watching where I was going." The woman, for lack of a better term, was a white unicorn with purple hair that defies everything I know about hair. She seemed to avoid any more eye contact. Not that I was attempting to anyways. "Don't worry about it." And that is when I saw the darnedest thing: "Telekinesis!?" The pony had lifted up her groceries with a blue shimmer. She gave me a look as if I were a 6 foot tall hairless ape. "Of course dear! What sort of unicorn would I be if I couldn't use magic?" "Magic? Thats a thing here?" "Well you are a unicorn are you not? Were you raised by monkeys?" "So you what you are trying to tell me is that I can do magic?" Oh please oh please oh please! The unicorn looked confused "Well, yes, I suppo-" "Teach me your ways!" Personal space be damned, I ran in front of the unicorn. She reared back in surprise. "E-excuse m-me but I do not even know your name let alone teach you magic!" Her eyes were darting back and fourth, looking for a way out. Regrettably for me, one came. "Twilight! Thank Celestia you're here!" "Oh hi Rarity how ar- hello again Mr. Ed." "Twilight guess what?" I bounded over to her, hopping circles around her. A thought must have passed through her head as she shook it. "Yes Mr. Ed?" "I can do magic!" Twilight simply stared. "You didn't know that?" I stopped jumping and tried to hide my embarrassment. "Well, no." "You're pulling my yoke." Twilight looked unamused. My unwillingness to talk betrayed my answer. Twilight stepped closer to get a better look at me. When she started looking me in the eye, she froze. I moved my head slowly back and forth to see what she was staring at. "Your eyes..." She nearly whispered. "Your nose." This brought her back. "My nose?" "Well, you started naming body parts so I did too." This just confused her. Rarity trotted behind her to see what the fuss was about when she stopped too. "Is this 'look at Ed's eyes day'?" this caused them both to snap out of it. "I'm sorry darling, but your eyes seem to have two colors." "Two colors? So?" "So?" Twilight said a bit too loudly. "Ponies don't have multicolored eyes!" "They aren't that multicolored. Just brown on the inside and olive on the outside." Twilight narrowed her eyes at me. "Can I see your 'van' again?" "Uhh...sure? It's a bit messy on account of me living in it." "You're living in it?" "Well yeah. I did just get here. I plan on moving to Ponyville-" And as if I had just said 'Beetlejuice' three times, my world became pink. "Did somepony day they were moving to Ponyville!?" I just stood there. There wasn't anything to do. Perhaps she snuck up behind me. Rarity spoke first, "Hello Pinkie-" "Not now Rarity! There is a new pony in town and I am going to find him!" I cleared my throat. "Hello new pony moving to Ponyville, have you seen a new pony moving to Ponyville?" *GASP* And she was gone. "Well that was...new? where was I? Ah yes: Teach me magic!" Sure I wasn't just talking about it, but where is the fun in that? Twilight gave me a curious look "You're serious about not knowing magic aren't you?" I nodded, then gave the best Bambi eyes I could muster. *sigh* "I'll teach you magic-" As she finished the sentence, I grabbed her into the biggest bear hug and spun her around and around giggling all the while. To which Rarity raised an eyebrow. "You are quite deft on two hooves Mr. Ed." I put Twilight down so she could gather herself. "Call it second nature, my dear!" I gave as graceful a bow as I could muster balancing on two hooves. Rarity fanned herself "My my! Such the gentlecolt!" "When it suits me." Rarity's eyes lit up at the word 'suit' and she dashed off shouting a farewell. "Must have left the stove on." I reasoned aloud as the dust cloud settled. I looked at Twilight and saw her looking at me intently. I was about to ask her why when I was interrupted. "You can't seriously live in that thing." "What thing?" "That 'van' thing." "It's not that I want to live in it, I just have no money, no job, and no place to sleep." Twilight seemed to gasp without moving... and behind me. "Twilight, I didn't know you were a ventriloquist!" "Hello Fluttershy!" she greeted someone behind me. I turned around to see a yellow winged pony with pink hair frozen in place. For being a person so intent on staying motionless, she sure avoided my eyes. She eventually found the will to speak. "D-did I-I h-hear th-that you have no place to live?" "Friend of yours?" I asked Twilight. She nodded. "What is this, 'run into your friends in the middle of town' day?" I turned to Fluttershy "That is correct. I am currently living in a VAN down by the River!" I tried my best Chris Farley impersonation. Fluttershy must have misinterpreted it and cowered in fear. I looked to Twilight. "Too loud?" "Too loud." Twilight confirmed. Fluttershy found the courage to speak once again. "I-I have a s-spare bedroom." Eyebrows were raised all around. "I couldn't impose on you. Plus, wouldn't that raise questions?" "I don-" Was all I caught as her sentence faded into oblivion. "Excuse me?" "I d-" Oblivion. "Louder." "I-" Nothing. "Then I guess it wasn't important." "I DON'T CARE!!" For the first time she looked me in the eye and dared me to look back. What I saw there was a small flame. The ember was there and betrayed something else to this winged pony. In one word: Feist. And then it was gone. Her pupils shrank and she bolted away like she was being chased by bees. Poor thing. I knew she was at war with herself. I knew that due to me having felt it. It wasn't that I had an extreme personality, it is more akin to wanting to act one way, but instead being quiet. I remember there was this one girl in college that I simply could not have a conversation with without it feeling awkward. She was cute and all, but no matter what, the conversation felt wrong and I wasn't being me. Even after I had a girlfriend and was by no means trying to impress this girl. A purple blur interrupted my internal soliloquy. "Equestira to Ed!" I shook it off and cocked my head. "You can stay in my basement. There is a bunch of science stuff down there, but you are welcome to use it until you are back on your hooves." "Thanks Twilight. I owe you one." I never thought I would regret saying that, but oh boy did I. "You can start by explaining to me what a 'van' is." *Sigh* "fine! Walk with me." We trotted off towards my car. "A van is a type of car that is meant to hold a lot of people." "And what is a car?" "I said I owed you one." I said with a smug smirk. Exasperation could be heard for blocks. Twilight teleported in front of me. "Explain to me what a car is or I will not let you have my basement!" "You can teleport!? Thats awesome!" I was hopping up and down. She found it significantly less amusing as she forced me to the ground before we started walking again. "Fine fine! A car is a horseless carriage that works off of an internal combustion engine to rotate the wheels. Concise enough for you?" Her scrunched face was answer enough. "No! That raises more questions than it answers! Horses? Those are just mares tales!" "But you are a horse..." "I am a pony!" "Those are just small horses!" "No they are not!" She stopped walking. "Horses are giants of legend and are allegedly unintelligent!" I put my hoof to my chin. "Sounds about right." I am unsure how many straws ago broke the camel's back, but my answers weren't helping "Thats it! You are hiding something from me and I intend on finding out!" I chuckled. "Challenge accepted! Just think about how many secrets you could pry out of me when I'm living in your basement!" Twilight narrowed her eyes at me. "You're good." This got a laugh out of me. "I'll tell you what, you can ride shotgun back to your place." "What's a shotgun?" "A figure of speech, my dear." She faced away at the statement. "Ahh here we are!" Getting Twilight to buckle up was one of the more challenging things I have had to do. All she would do is ask questions about every nob and doo-hicky in the car. I only listed their names and not what they did. Clever me, answering questions without revealing alien technology. She was startled by the engine starting and the sudden vibrations. I reassured her as we both made our way into town. The ponies there gave me a wide berth and seemed to be afraid of the loud engine of my van. Luckily, however, the drive was a short one. We arrived at a very large tree with windows. "Here we are! This is Ponyville Library slash my house!" "Your library is in a tree?" "Yes?" "Woodception" I said in an awestruck voice. Twilight ignored it. "Come on inside!" We opened the door, Got on the floor, And everybody walked...out of their hiding places and yelled: SURPRISE! Authors note: Took a while to write w/ finals and all. Hoped you all enjoyed reading it. I enjoyed writing the last half in case it wasn't noticed. Another thing of note: I apparently don't write a lot of actions in this story and do most of the action in the dialogue. I also rely on implications and for the reader to imagine the action. Hope it isn't too blocky for you all. As a reminder, if anyone thinks they can write this story better than I can, go for it. Use it as a prompt or pick out your favorite parts and make a story. Just give me a shout out and tell me where I can read your story!