//------------------------------// // Chapter XI: "Are We Nearly There Yet?" // Story: FireStarter // by Cereal-Killer //------------------------------// The train ride was uneventful, aside from my surprise appearance that left Twilight flustered for quite a bit. Twilight had left for some reason when I wasn't paying attention, leaving me and Spike alone in the carriage. As I was using an un-inked quill to get some of the dirt out from underneath my nails, Spike began talking. "Are we nearly there yet?" Spike asked, lying down on the seat lengthways and staring blankly into the ceiling. "No." I replied bluntly, my head propped up against the window of the locomotive. "Are we nearly there yet?" "No." I sighed, seeing where this was going. "Are we-" he began. "If you ask that again, I will show you the most annoying noise in the world." Spike promptly backed off from the demonic powers of Dumb and Dumber. It took a few seconds before the dragon began reading another of his comics. "How many of those do you have?" "I have all 364 issues." He stated proudly. "I even have Power Ponies: Origins! You know how difficult that is to find? There's only three-hundred intact issues left of it!" "Power Ponies?" Spike gasped. "You don't know who the Power Ponies are? They're only the best superhero team ever!" I raised an eyebrow. "The Human ones are better." I grinned as he went into full comic kid mode. "What's so good about the Human ones then?" He crossed his arms. "Well...Avengers or Justice League. Pick a name." "Avengers sounds cooler." Of course it does. I rolled my eyes. "Right, first off. You have Captain America..." Much exposition about some guys in spandex, metal suits, and one seriously hot chick in a tight fitting suit later... "...And that's basically that." I concluded, having summed up a decade's worth of films. "Those were pretty cool...but Power Ponies are still better." I explained the Justice League. "Power Ponies are still better." 'This kid...' I know right. 'John, let go of your nerd rage.' Lavan said consolingly. I'm trying to, man, I'm trying. Twilight chose that moment to trot back in, defusing the situation unknowingly. "Spike, the ponies down at the bar are selling gem ice cream." Looking at Twilight the drake got a little Sparkle in his eye (see what I did there) and he quickly took off, practically flying down the carriage. "He really likes ice cream, doesn't he?" I already knew about the whole 'dragons can eat gems' thing a while back. Twilight laughed nervously. "Yeah... he sure does. Umm... John, about the whole Math rant I had? Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that at all." I raised an eyebrow incredulously. "Twilight, you have nothing to apologise for. Really." She was surprised at how well I took that, for some reason. Her ears perked, hearing something out of my range of audio perception, probably. I really need to get a book on biology... nothing makes sense whatsoever here. "Gah... Spike's probably going nuts with the ice cream again. I'll be back in a second." "M'kay." I blinked. Twilight slipped out of the room, leaving me alone. 'You still have to put up with me, you Muggle.' I'm literally the only non-Muggle human. 'Details...' Lavan's voice seemed to drown out as be spoke. 'Earth to John? Hellooo...' Not another one... --- "Uncle John?" Tom asked from the back seat, and I looked at him through the rearview mirror. "Yeah, Bud?" Of course we had to get to the junction as the lights turned red. "Are we nearly there yet?" He asked, smirking. "Maybe." "Are we nearly there yet?" "Thomas! Stop bothering your uncle!" My older sister hissed. "Lucy, it doesn't bother me. Wait, is Maddie still asleep?" I couldn't see my niece as her seat was in a rather awkward position. Lucy nodded as the traffic lights turned Amber and I put my foot back near the accelerator. After a turn or two, we came up on my brother-in-law's workplace. "John, just turn in here. Rob'll be here in a sec, his shift just ended, so I'm gonna quickly grab some stuff from the store." I acknowledged her and once I had pulled over, she hopped out of the left hand passenger seat. A few minutes later, Rob appeared and got in the back seat, next to his son. "Alright mate?" I asked. "Good, thanks. Where's Luce." I always found something odd about that nickname. "Just going to the Co-op. She'll be back in a minute." I began tapping my fingers rhythmically along the wheel. Feeling a bit of warmth from the heated steering wheel of the car. Slowly, and rather strangely, my hands got hotter, and I found myself unable to remove my hands from the wheeI. With little warning the warmness transformed a searing heat. My hands were on fire, licking and crackling on all parts of my body and the world suddenly started burning at the edges, like paper. I could see the steering wheel melt out of my hands, and the fuel caught fire bathing those behind me in fire. Still, my hands pulsated with that torrent of heat, and I could hear screaming from the back as an unfamiliar smell reached my nose. Burning flesh. As the world faded, I knew that if I looked back, I would only see horror. ---- "John!?" Twilight shook me, moving me from whatever episode I was having. "Mhmm, yes Twilight." I spoke, the calm in my voice betraying nothing. "You were unresponsive!" "I was asleep." With your eyes wide open?" She deadpanned. 'We're going to have to talk about that at some point.' Not happening. "Yep, I do that sometimes." Please buy it... She made an unsatisfied 'hrmmm' and plopped herself back on the seat, closely followed by Spike, how was eating (I shit you not) A ruby strawberry ice cream cone. Rubies. Like the priceless gem. That just isn't natural. I noticed my left hand was shaking uncontrollably, and so I quickly moved it out of Twilight's peripheral. ---- The uneventful train ride over, The Elements and Spike had a little group hug, it was cute, although I'm pretty sure Spike had a hand on Rarity's ass. What a lad. My first thoughts as I walked off: "Well shit, who do I talk to without Helix?" 'Maybe the one who lives in your head?' That is a possibility...but as much as I enjoy the bants with my cranial roommate, I need friends. 'Maybe you should go do some trials in West Ham.' I don't want football friends. Also, if you start referencing 'The Inbetweeners' I'll put on DYE fantasy again, and we both know how much you enjoyed that the first time. IT'S NOT CALLED SOCCER, ITS FOOTBALL. 'You've made your point. Maybe you should talk to those three. Lavan motioned towards the fillies in front of me, each of them possessing similar marks on their plots. Not that I was looking. 'You pedophile!' Unexpectedly, they spotted me, circling like sharks around a bleeding sea turtle. "Woah! That's the thing Twili-" the orange pegasus blurted out, only to be stopped by a yellow hoof. How the other one managed to stay stable while on three hooves, and not paying attention to walking, I will never know. "Scoots! We weren't meant to talk about that!" She scolded, the second sentence in more of a harsh whisper. "Why are you circling me? It's creepy." They immediately stopped. "Hello, I'm Sweetie-Belle." Her voice cracked in a way that I'm pretty sure my sister couldn't match. "That's Scootaloo." She pointed to the orange pegasus. "And Ah'm Applebloom!" Clearly related to Applejack. "I'm John." "Do you have a cutie mark?" That sounds gay as shit (no offense to any homosexuals that get there appendages on this book. I'm looking at you, Celestia.(Yeah I just called you a lesbian, then made a bracket inside a bracket to emphasise a point: WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, BITCH?)) "Nope." "Sounds like he and your brother'd get along AB." Scootaloo observed. "Really? Maybe that's how we'll get our-Ah, gosh darn it! Ah keep thinkin' we still don't have 'em." "Yeah, but who says... Where are you going?" Scootaloo trailed off, seeing me edging out of the conversation. "Away." I sped up, moving away quickly. "Hey! Wait up!" The three fillies began chasing me, pursuing me through the relatively quiet streets of Ponyville until I ended up in a dead end alley while trying to take a short cut. "No." And I went invisible, that was most likely a waste of magic, but what can you do? The persistent trio gasped. "Where is he? He just disappeared!" Tiptoeing around, I walked over my pursuers, slyly evading them. "Dang! We could've helped him get his cutie mark!" Lel wut. "Bloom, it doesn't matter. What if he couldn't even get a cutie mark? He's not a pony." "Shucks, everypony gets cutie marks don't they? I saw a Hippogriff with one once." "Maybe...I don't think I've seen a creature like before so we probably can't assume that he can have one." Sweetie Belle began, before Applebloom cut her off. "We need to help him!" The three fillies argued with each other as I moved. 'Don't be scared John. Fillies can smell fear. Trust me.' How do you know this? '...Celestia's into some kinky shit.' Is that your answer to everything creepy you ever spew out? A mumbled 'yes' told me that it was. Then Murphy struck. I tripped over a bottle that was lying on its side next to a rubbish tip(*). "Oh shit!" I yelled as I fell on my ass. Thankfully, my sweet cheeks took the brunt of the blow, and I was running again quickly, despite my aching buttocks. "Girls, There he is! Let's get him!" Scootaloo motioned towards me with a hoof as she hopped onto a scooter. And so the chase began once again. Don't ask me why I didn't tell them I couldn't get a cutie mark. Seriously don't. Now, where was I? The Crusaders were in hot pursuit as I swerved through the streets, eventually ending up in a gingerbread house, Pinkie's workplace, if Twilight was telling the truth. Leaping over the counter and startling a plump blue mare, I ran into the kitchen, trying not to fall over a load od spoons and forks and stuff on the floor. I also got a quick 'hi' from Pinkie as I exited out the backdoor (Tee Hee Hee). The CMC were still tailing me, and on the straighter runs, were gaining on me. Then I realised: Princess Twilight! She should be able to help with this! I turned, heading get towards the palace, the trio of terror in tow. Bursting through the front doors, I hurried across the room where I was almost arrested a month ago. Damn. It's been a while. Long enough for the authorities back home to give up on finding me. That didn't matter right now, I had to find Twilight. From this end of the room I could see an open door, where a lavender pony had just walked past. 'Target acquired.' Looking around, the gaggle of fillies were still on my tail, although the pegasus had at some point acquired a scooter, using her wings as a little motor to power herself towards me, bridging the gap quickly. "C'mon... almost at the door..." I muttered under my breath, the orange pegasus only a few metres behind me. "Wait!" She cried out, making me look back, a wrong move, as when I continued looking ahead, my face (especially my nose) decided to say a very enthusiastic hello to the door. 'Wow, you're stupid.' I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. The pegasus and her two friends had caught up to me now, and began dragging me away; struggling I called out, hoping that the princess would hear me. "TWILIGHT! HELP, I'M BEING ABDUCTED BY MIDGETS!" 'Again?' Dude, what are you talking about? 'Never mind.' Twi had apparently heard me: she quickly burst through the doors, "Again!?" She yelled out. The three fillies and Twilight's eyes met, and she began looking at us oddly while I was slowly dragged across the floor by my right leg. "Twi, this is the first I've been abducted, Let alone by the vertically impaired." She shook her head, moving past that conversation. "Girls, why are you taking John away?" They unceremoniously dropped my leg, leaving me face down on the floor. "He needs to get his cutie mark, so we decided to help him." They replied in sync, as if it was more obvious than Moonflower's advances on me. "John can't get a cutie mark, no-human can." A dawning look of realisation was visible on each fillies face. "I told ya so..." I heard whispered from behind me, followed by a light thump. "Ow! What the hay was that for?" The unicorn filly grumbled as the pegasus glared at her. The door behind Twilight opened, and yellow-orange unicorn with a bacon like mane pushed through the doors, moving to Twilight's side and facing me. "Twilight, why is there a human on this side of the portal?" Portal? "He's different from the ones you've interacted with, Sunset. Look closely; you'll see the differences." "Sup, I'm John." Guess who said that. "Sunset Shimmer." She replied. "Your hair looks like bacon." I stated, my appetite catching up with me. "Yep, doesn't taste like it though." I swear ponies are herbivores, maybe she's just an odd case? "So why are you here then? Twi said she'd need some help casting a time spell. I'm guessing you are the one it's for?" "Astute observation. It's a round trip not a one way, FYI." She turned to Twilight, " guessing you're using contract magic, right?" Twilight gave an affirmative, "Where's the third caster? Contracts usually take around three these days, don't they?" "Our third is still creating the contract, but she'll be done in a week." "A week!? When is this Guy going to? The Pre-Discordian era?" She said, shocked at the strength of such a contract that it would need at least a week until it was fully written and charged. Contract spells are basically a mixture between rune magic (said runes are written on the scroll) and spell magic (it activates the runes, charging them extremely quickly and with an excessive amount of strength for a spell). "It's having a week to charge. I even managed to ask the princesses to aid with it." "Wow... both princesses, how far are you going then? More importantly, how'd you get here?" "Long enough for an entire civilization that had colonised just about every inch of land on the planet to fossilize and have nearly every material trace completely destroyed, buried, then for every law in genetics, most laws of physics and biology to be completely fucked up the ass then spitroaste-" I began, ignoring her second question. Twilight gave me a glare and shushed me, pushing the three fillies out with her magic. "-You get the point; I'm going back a long way." I continued. Twilight gasped, seemingly remembering something important before rushing out the door. 'I'm getting bad vibes from that Sunset mare. Her magic signature's all over the place. She has enough harmonic magic surrounding her to have been hit with the Elements of Harmony twice, along with a chunk of dark stuff.' The mare began looking awkward as I scrutinized her, something I hadn't really seen ponies do that often. Most are completely fine with being stared at, because they're weird or something. "Uhh... Can you not?" She asked, "People don't usually stare like that." First pony I've heard say people instead of ponies. "Sorry, most ponies don't really react to it. I guessed it was a species thing." "Oh, it is," Knew it! "I've just spent a few years with humans. Your kind's habits tend to rub off; I woke up today as a pony and tried putting on a shirt and skinny jeans. It didn't work out." Staring at her sizable plot, slightly bigger than most, certainly more so than Twilight's, I responded: "I can imagine..." 'Do not let her posterior tempt you, John. I have lost people to much bigger buttocks than that.' I sense a story. 'Maybe when you're older.' Twilight hurried back in with a pile of A5 size papers, or at least close to that size. "John! You need to organise these alphabetically by two days, the student Magi are meant to be here in three! Each of these are personal timetables I have structured myself to make each day as efficient as possible, organise by first name, have them back to me as soon as you can. " Twilight motor-mouthed out. Where the hell did that come from? "Okay then." I re-entered the conversation I was having with Sunset. "Did you turn yourself human while you were there?" I can imagine that it wouldn't have ended well if she started waltzing around in the middle of a city. "It was a side effect of the portal, it turns dragons into dogs though, for some reason. I'm not sure what it'll do to anything else." "Do you have the portal with you? I'd like to check it out." She nodded, waving me back into the room she and Twilight originally appeared from. I set down the pile of timetables, and walked through into a large library, presumably the one Spike got those books for me a long while ago. The portal itself looked like something out of a steampunk convention, a load of golden metal, and seeminglying useless cogs turned as a purple vortex was contained in an oval-shaped frame, while above it a thin line of magic seemed to constantly pulse through it. "Is it safe for me to test out?" Another nod. I prepared myself, getting a run up on the portal. "LEEROY JENKI-" And I went through. ---- The first thing that became apparent was the lack of ground underfoot. Then the rainbow shit started. I was flung forward, spinning around like I was being flushed down the toilet. Luckily, I never get really motion sickness, so I just ended up completely losing my bearings and feeling dizzy as hell. "Ohhh, fuck that noise... I'm not doing that again..." I said as I staggered around. "Umm... Are you one of Twilight's pony friends?" I heard said to me in a voice reminiscent of Rainbow Dash. "Why do you say that?" I asked rubbing at my head, suddenly noticing the lack of fingers. I have no fingers. Or hands. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MY HANDS! WHERE ARE MY HANDS!??!?" I yelled out to the sky. "HOW WILL I WANK NOW!?" I shook the (now that I think about it) rather attractive Rainbow Dash girl in front of me using my HOOVES! I didn't give her a chance to respond, or myself a chance to see how I looked as a pony, before I lifted myself onto my hindlegs and dashed back through. ---- "Well that was quick. How'd it go?" Twilight asked as I began kissing my fingers and adopted the fetal position, along with my trademark 'I've seen some shit' face. "NEVER AGAIN!" I shouted loudly enough for both ponies to push their ears to their heads. 'What happened in there? I couldn't do anything when you went through.' Maybe when YOU'RE older. 'I'm very old.' Lavan replied. That's beside the point. I just sort of laid there for a while, unfortunately, crystal tree stuff isn't very comfortable to lie on, so I moved when my back started hurting. "John? Are you finished?" I heard Twilight say from an armchair positioned snugly next to a fireplace, where crackling l flames licked upwards into the chimney. I huffed indignantly, "Yeah, I'm done. What's for dinner?" It looked like it was well into the evening now, the sun barely dipping into the horizon. At least the sun hadn't changed. The while thing about Celestia and her 'divine power' to lift the sun would've given most scientists an aneurysm. "Spike's making something." She replied, eyes still glued to the book in front of her. "I'll get down to ordering that stuff from earlier, see you in a bit. You too, Sunset." I said, grabbing the pile once again. Sunset was kind enough to open the door for me magicly, since my hands were full. The first order of business was finding my room. The castle didn't look too big from the outside, so I assumed that it would be a simple trial and error. How wrong I was. An hour later, and I was still boggles as to where the bloody room was. It was as if I was walking around in the TARDIS. Curse you, Extradimensional horse buildings! I was still walking around when Twi walked past, presumably to her room. "Yours is the one with the note on the door." She said, going into what I presumed from her room, seeing as her butt mark was plastered above the door in a rather obvious fashion. The one with the note on it? None of these doors have notes on them! 'What, not even the one that's about eight paces to your left?' I turned my head left, noticing the bright yellow sticky note on the purple crystal door. 'Going mad, are we?' Hopefully. This entire experience would be so much simpler if it was just a fabrication from a man's broken mind. Lavan deemed it necessary to end the conversation with that, leaving me alone to get some well deserved sleep. ---- According to Twilight, I didn't deserve sleep, because she had Spike wake me up for dinner. Begrudgingly, I got myself up, a few bones clicking at the sudden movement. "Are you ok? That didn't sound too good." The little dragon fretted. "It's a natural thing, bones get creaky if I lie in place too long. Happens with most humans." After an 'oh' of relief, we plodded down to the table in the entrance hall, said table was round and was surrounded by six chairs, each stuck into the ground facing inwards, towards the center. Oh yeah, it also had a damn holographic map, but no one gives a shit about the fact that they have advanced technology that looked like it came from the set of Star-Trek (but ended up getting graffitied on by five-year-old girls with an affinity for pink aerosol on the way) so neither will I. Dinner was spaghetti and meatballs, which Spike cooked expertly in my opinion. Twilight settled for spaghetti with a bit of random pony cuisine, obviously. Feeling quite full, I began rubbing my belly. After a quick look around the table, I noticed that Sunset was no longer with us. I saw it as no concern, she most likely went home while I was upstairs. It was nice to have some human-ish contact, sure she looked like a pony, but she seemed to behave like a human girl. It surprises me about how small the differences are between ponies and humans are, but how obvious the mannerisms become when you look for them: a few tail flicks, twitchy ears, another thing I've noticed is that positive feedback seems to affect ponies a lot more, if one runs, they all do; if if one stands forward, they're backed up by others. I'm delving a bit deep in biology and psychology here, and I'd prefer not to bore you. Hopefully one day I'll put findings on ponies onto page, but now is not the time. As he made to get up, Spike buried up a few scrolls, likely for Twilight. After sorting through them, he passed one to me while Twilight levitated the others away. 'you got mail.' No shit. I thought as I unrolled the parchment, my face falling as I read. John A few days ago, we found Chrysalis' body. Earlier today, unknown, wingless Changelings slaughtered their way to her body. Here's the strange thing: A Changeling is always capable of identifying their own, no matter what but this group was completely unfamiliar. Of course, Chrysalis could've been lying when we were educated. But I'm inclined to believe something a lot more sinister. I assume you haven't heard about the Tale of Three Queens? It's a changeling myth. The background is unimportant, but the basics of it is that the three Changeling Queens ruled the wastes: the Red, the Green, and the Blue. The Green thought she was far superior to the other hive leaders, so she devised a plan to take control. One day, the Green Queen suggested they take a walk around the grand gem mines. Oblivious, the two Queens followed her along with a few guards each. They met a large chasm on the way and so the green Queen offered to build a bridge for them, she did so, and when the other two and their guard were in the middle of the bridge, she burned away their wings and tore away the bridge, dropping them into the chasm and shielding them inside. She then proceeded to take over the entire Kingdom and in the next few centuries, she ran the hive into the ground and attacked Canterlot. I believe you now know who the Green Queen is. Since Chrysalis is dead, they are free and they bred with their wingless guards to create soldiers. Therefore, wingless Changelings. I would appreciate it if you were able to pass this onto the princesses. Helix Adding a small notation to dear old Sunny that I had read it previously, I gave the scroll to Spike "Yo, Spike? Send this to Celestia. " He exhaled a small blast of fire and it flew out the window. "What was it?" He queried. "Nothing good." Lavan and I said in time with each other. Well, he just thought it at the same time, but you get the picture. "They found Chrysalis. Her body got stolen by some rogue Changelings." "What's so bad about a few rogue Changelings?" "The word rogue implies that they aren't under the king's control." He looked a bit aloof, "I still don't see a problem." I decided to just put it plainly. "If the king isn't controlling them, who is?" '...And there's the look of shocked realisation' Of course, it could just be a myth. '...I always wondered what really happened to those two. Membrane was always a very good speaker, to the masses and to her friends.' Why do you keep this shit from me? It's not exactly need-to-know, but it's still important you tell me about these mysterious historical figures n' shit. 'I'll tell you at some point.' Fine. After I've slept; but keep in mind, you are going to tell me when I get up. After that I paced to my room, wrote up today's entry, then collapsed into bed. Of course, I dreamt of the flames again. And the crawl out of the front seat. And the loss of my sister and her children.