Bloom Filter

by ferret


Use More Tongue

Dinky, stop. Dinky, what are you doing? Really, Dinky? Really?

Diamond couldn’t believe this! The whole time she’d been just thinking she was just hanging out with him, and really she’d been going practically crazy over him. It was so obvious now. There was no way Dinky didn’t see this as romantic. She had done everything to make him think it was! She’d been practically literally climbing all over him all week!

Diamond wasn’t ready for this... she hadn’t had a boy think about her that way, before! She wasn’t used to boys... wanting girls, instead of just thinking that they’re weird. It was bound to happen as they grew older, but Diamond just never saw herself in that role! Dinky was looking at her, and thinking about the things that a girl could do to him. Her! He was just too naive to see that Diamond wasn’t the girl he was looking for. That had to be it. She couldn’t have been! She was terrible! He couldn’t be thinking about what she could do to him. She had never even—

Diamond had never even thought about what a boy could do to her.

Diamond couldn’t think about that now. She couldn’t think about all the things she was curious about, that he was right there to offer her if they were... together. About what she could do with a boy who trusted her and tolerated her abrasive attitude. Diamond knew she was a jerk. No way any boy would ever think of choosing her. And yet here she was, at the base of a fountain surrounded by greenery, in a secluded part of the school, sitting together with a boy who just said he was... said he liked her!

Like like liked!

So many things about boys were just locked off to her, and if Dinky was going to like Diamond, then suddenly all those things... wouldn’t be. It was frighteningly exhilirating for Diamond to suddenly think of him that way. To think of herself that way. She never even realized, but there it was. That all important difference between him and her, a difference they could explore together, and share. If he liked her.

Diamond wished she could have that. But she didn’t want to just lead him on. Dinky was just at a very vulnerable place now, and he’d never really go for her, if he thought about it for a minute. He needed a nice girlfriend, who could take care of him, and like, treat him right. He didn’t need some girl who just infuriated him and badgered him to his wit’s end, because she was too dumb to realize he was missing his real girlfriend so acutely. So that’s what Diamond told him.

“Just because you can’t have her, doesn’t mean you can’t find another girl,” she pleaded, looking at the soft faced Dinky with his round blonde messy hair. He looked kind of like an adorable grape. “Someone nice,” she explained, “Who you really like. Someone good for you.”

“Someone like you?” he responded, leaving Diamond so frustrated. Couldn’t he see it? This was Dinky, not some lame... boy!

“What? No! I’m like—terrible girlfriend material!” she immediately squawked, then regretted her words, or at least the tone of them. She sounded so like, insecure! “You really thought I was trying to be with you?” Diamond said more calmly, trying to laugh at this, make light of it somehow. “C’mon Dinky, you gotta have some standards!” she quipped.

“Well—what’s wrong with you?” Dinky said angrily, placing his palms on the stone fountain to brace forward. God, where could Diamond even start? The freaky visions? How angry she got about stuff? How everybody like, avoided her because they were afraid she’d do something weird or... crazy, and like, Dinky just didn’t know it yet? How Diamond just got mixed up sometimes and... and what if he found out about the pills? Half the orphanage already suspected it, Diamond was sure of it, but she didn’t want them to know. What could she tell him? She didn’t want him to like, avoid her!

Diamond looked at Dinky uncertainly, scared out of her wits as she said, “Dinky, I’m not like, the best girl out there, or even the best person. I have... problems.”

“I just think you could do like... better,” Diamond uttered haltingly, wishing she could tell him everything, wishing she could be the girl he really wanted, or the girl that someone really wanted, at least. She tried to smile appeasingly, but she couldn’t get her eyes into it. So close to having a boyfriend, and Diamond couldn’t have it, because of who she was, because she was being so stupid and clingy, not even thinking about him and Scootaloo.

And then, Dinky leaned forward to kiss her.

Diamond learned then, that when a boy decides to kiss you, there is no mistaking what he is doing. Dinky leaned towards her and brought his face closer to hers, with his eyes closing, and it was obvious he was gonna kiss her, on the lips. She should have been the better girl, and backed off to tell him to calm down, and find a girl that he can really love, but Diamond stayed right there. She didn’t care if she was just gonna scare him away once he found out about her. She just couldn’t cut herself off from an... from an opportunity like this, all the things she could do if she had a....

Diamond didn’t have time to think what a bad idea this would be, by the time his lips were touching hers. She sat there frozen, just, letting him do it. She was too afraid to kiss back. He barely touched her lips anyway, before pulling back. It was less like a kiss and more like a... statement. But even that light touch made them tingle, as he left them. She didn’t feel like that, when she touched her lips to other things!

Dinky just sat back then, and said, “I’m sorry, Diamond Tiara. I should have asked you to the Fall Formal. I asked Scootaloo and just made a mess of things. I didn’t know you didn’t already have a... date.”

“You didn’t know me at all, like a month ago,” Diamond said, folding her hands reservedly.

“I...knew of you. I mean who wouldn’t?” Dinky said worryingly. “You’re beautiful! You’re one of the girls that... everyone wishes they could have. I never thought that would mean that nobody at all would have you.”

“You don’t know me at all though,” Diamond protested, flustered by his choice of words. “I’m like, mean, and I can’t stop getting angry sometimes, and my roommates hate me.”

“Well,” Dinky replied in frustration, “Well, look at me! I don’t get angry when I should! I just let things get worse and worse. You’re just so passionate. I... can’t see why anyone wouldn’t like that.”

“Yeah, well you didn’t hit someone with a cafeteria tray,” Diamond pouted glumly.

“How did that happen?” Dinky asked incredulously.

“Dazzler was telling me how I was a loser runt who wouldn’t ever have any friends,” Diamond explained, “So I shoved her and told her to take it back and she pushed me and almost made me spill my milk, so I just got so mad and... hit her with my tray. Um... three times, until she ran away.”

“Oh, I remember that...” Dinky said thoughtfully. “Weren’t her friends trying to beat you up after that?”

“They would’ve too, if the adults hadn’t stepped in,” Diamond said, kicking her legs out. “But my point is that you don’t want me. I’m just... not right.”

“Would you do it again?” Dinky poised so gently. It made Diamond laugh though.

“No! Are you kidding?” she said, trying and failing to hold back her laughter. “I lost my lunch! I had to... and there it is.” Her laughter died.

Diamond stared forward dully, saying, “I don’t even care about them. I try to, but—I cared more about losing my lunch, than I did about hurting people.”

“...who hated you,” Dinky offered helpfully.

“Well, why do you think they hate me?” Diamond whined. “I just do that to everyone! Apple Bloom was the best thing that happened to me after Silver Spoon got sick of me. A-and I’m still friends with Apple Bloom, but she’s gone, so everyone thinks I’m a loner again. I don’t want to like, get mad like that again.”

“I still think you’re a good person,” Dinky said stubbornly, refusing to accept the truth. “You may have problems, but... you’re doing whatever you can to make them better. And I think it’s working. You’re just... you’re scared of who you used to be.”

“You sound like my therapist,” Diamond said, rolling her eyes. The scary thing is he did.

“Yeah, too bad there isn’t a therapy major,” Dinky sighed, rubbing his head. “Technology is fun, but really I kinda like the people who like machines, not all the boring details about getting a machine working.”

“Whaaat?” Diamond said caught off guard by that. “No therapy major? Then how do we have therapists at all?”

“Usually they’re technology majors, or dramatists,” Dinky admitted, “But there’s not one single psychology class in high school; it’s weird. I thought it would be social studies, but that turned out to be just history. I guess they want you to study general stuff like physics and uh... chemistry, for some reason.”

“Or statistics,” Diamond pointed out.

Dinky laughed, “Yeah I just took that to get my math requirement.”

“It’s good for like, business and management,” Diamond suggested warily, “So like if I want to sell outfits better or something.”

“Doesn’t help much if all you want to do is talk to people all day,” Dinky countered. “I already took algebra though, and well... trigonometry is just not sensible in any way.”

“And you call yourself a techie?” Diamond laughed, making Dinky blush with embarassment. It was almost as if they hadn’t kissed just now.

Diamond didn’t want it to be as if they hadn’t kissed just now.

“I like, didn’t even think about a boyfriend or anything,” Diamond admitted, rubbing the back of her neck. “Just assumed I’d get one like, later, or ...not. Why do you even want a girlfriend?” she added hastily, and on some guilty level curiously.

“I uhm...” Dinky looked at his knees and blushed even more heavily, “It’s um... you know... there are certain things a boy and girl can do, that I’m curious about... that I can’t do by myself.”

“O-oh right,” Diamond replied, blushing too and trying not to think about it, or about how she was thinking about the exact same thing just minutes ago. Or how she basically just asked him to do it, like a total weirdo. She wanted to ask if he kissed Scootaloo, or if he... did anything else with her. She couldn’t ask that.

“But I mean like... you and Scootaloo, like... got together so easy,” she said, desperate to save face by changing the subject. “I was so jealous how easy it was for her.”

Dinky didn’t pick up on her side stepping the issue at all, and just shook his head remorsefully, saying, “I don’t think it’s going to be as easy breaking up, though. Scootaloo really blames herself a lot. If I tell her I’m with you now, she might think it’s because there’s something wrong with her.”

“You can’t stay with her, though,” Diamond said practically, “She’s a pony, I mean. That’d be way too weird.”

Dinky paused, then groaned. He held his head in hands, saying, “Oh now you made me think of it. Ugh... is she really a pony, down there too?”

“What, like I looked?” Diamond said in offended protest, “What are you, some kind of like, pervert?”

“Just... no that’s... look,” Dinky rubbed his forehead.

“I thought what I was doing with Scootaloo was how you did that whole boy and girlfriend thing,” he said in a neutral, unreadable tone. “It was great at first, but then I met... you. I just don’t feel the same way about Scootaloo that I do around you. I think it’s... I don’t know what it is, just I feel like... you’re amazing, and beautiful, and cool, and unstoppable, and... you need my help. So I’d like to um... be there for you. I’m so sorry I didn’t... I should have just told you I’m sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for, being corny?” Diamond wryly remarked to him, “That was like, the corniest pickup line ever.

It was so easy to make Dinky blush, it was hilarious and kind of cute. Wait no, not cute, that’s just the dating...thing in her head doing the talking. Diamond didn’t listen to that one.

“I’m the one who should apologize, anyway” she clarified. “I totally made you like, fall in love with me or something, because I’ve been all in your face all week, and I didn’t even think that you were just worried about Scootaloo. She’s fine. She’s a pony, but she’s like, fine otherwise.”

“Wait, when exactly did you make me fall in love with you?” Dinky asked in a skeptical tone.

“I—uhm, like how I’ve been acting all week,” she said more nervously, unsure of herself now that she actually had to explain it to a real boy. “I mean it would have that effect on any boy. I should’ve known; I wasn’t thinking. That’s like, how it works. It’s only natural. I don’t leave you alone, and you like me, and then... things happen.”

“Uh...” Dinky said in an oddly contentious tone.

“What?” Diamond said, “Don’t even tell me you aren’t responding to it.”

“It has been having an... affect on me, but I don’t like what you’ve been doing all week,” Dinky told her with a straight face. “I wish you’d stop.”

“Wha?”

“I don’t like when you keep chasing me like that,” Dinky said in a genuinely discontented tone. “It’s... actually kind of off-putting.”

“But I haven’t been doing anything but chase after you!” Diamond protested. “How could you even like me?”

“You were amazing at the dance,” he contested her, “When you just brought everyone together and saved the day. You’re fun to talk to, and really exciting. And just... just seeing you around school. And you... you’re beautiful, Diamond.”

He phrased that more like an accusation than a compliment, saying intensely, “That’s what I respond to! That someone like you doesn’t even have a boyfriend, and I could stand a chance. I–I mean, not like I only care about that. Lots of girls are beautiful. Silver is beautiful, and all she talks about these days are logic puzzles. Sweetie Belle is beautiful, but she’s so just... dreamy all the time. And what about upperclassmen? Have you seen Fluttershy? She’s gorgeous! She has all the curves, and the modesty, and the most beautiful eyes, that—that any guy would respond to!”

“You’re really not building a good case for yourself, you know,” Diamond told him dryly.

“I feel nothing for them, like what I do with you,” Dinky announced emphatically, “Not with Silver, not even with older girls. I look at Fluttershy and I think ‘she’s beautiful, and her name really fits.’ I look at you, and... I want you. I mean, not like evilly or anything but I just... want to be with you, Diamond. I–I really do.”

Diamond went from skeptical to full on blush at that, and she said quietly, even desperately, “Like, what about Scootaloo?”

Dinky paused at that. “Scootaloo’s not beautiful,” he said, “By the strict sense of the word. She has a thrilling wildness to her though, and she’s tough. She doesn’t give up either, and I really like that. A-and she’s about the closest to what I feel about you. I think she could make a really good special someone... for... someone. I know it’s wrong of me, but I just can’t hide it. She’s just... not like you, Diamond. I can’t be a good special someone to her because... I like you.

“Besides,” he added speculatively, “Didn’t you say she’s a pony now?”

“Well like, yeah,” Diamond admitted, waving a hand, “I was just being hypothetical.”

“Are you sure you’re not trying to get me to hook up with a pony?” Dinky asked, raising an eyebrow.

“She’s still herself, though!” Diamond retorted. “You can’t just like... dump her!”

“Wow, you are trying to hook me up with a pony,” Dinky said raising the other eyebrow. “And I thought I was the pervert.”

“Shut up, you know what I mean,” Diamond grumbled turning away.

Dinky was trying way too hard not to laugh. After a moment of ...deliberation, he said, “Can you ask her if I can come over to her... I mean to Apple Bloom’s house? They’re already cleared with the orphanage, so it should be easy.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Diamond said accedingly. “You totally deserve it, going all this time without even knowing.”

“And if,” Dinky postulated, “I know it’s hard to contact me, so this is a big ‘if,’ but let’s say hypothetically that Scootaloo just ...completely forgot that I was even her boyfriend. Then, will you be my special someone?”

“Hey, I never said I would b-be your girlfriend!” Diamond stated sitting at the fountain again, and crossing her arms. She just didn’t know how to deal with this. She wasn’t trying to beat Scootaloo at being a girlfriend, but it was just... like, happening!

“...so, is that a no?” Dinky asked persistently. She looked at him again. He wasn’t smiling or smirking, just looking at her so very hopefully. She couldn’t say no to that look. He was so freaking adorable! Diamond had been trying to get Dinky’s attention all week, and now that she had it, she felt just overwhelmed by it.

“Like, how are you even so sure Scootaloo just like, forgot about you?” Diamond asked, still hesitant.

“It’s Scootaloo,” Dinky said, as if in explanation.

“...yeah, you got me there,” Diamond admitted, looking away again. “O-okay, so I’ll like, I mean if she’s that like, clueless, then we could t-try it out for a while.”

Dinky gave a relieved smile, saying, “Thanks, Diamond. You have no idea how much I wanted to say that.”

“You’re welcome... Dinky.” Diamond said hesitantly. She looked at him, with his thrillingly golden eyes, so proper looking in his buttoned up collared black jacket, so just... like... boyish. “I’m like the worst girlfriend though,” she added self consciously. “I’m just warning you, so y’know...”

“I think you’re fascinating,” Dinky countered with a close eyed smile.

“Yeah, well, you kinda too, in your weird little way,” she told him with a downward glance.

Dinky looked at the tall tower clock at the apex of the school courtyard. “We probably should start getting to our next period,” he said solemnly.

“Y-yeah,” Diamond said, a flare of fear welling up in her breast as he rose to leave her.

“Dinky,” she said nervously.

Dinky looked back at her.

“We can like, still hang out until then, right? I don’t like, want to be like, alone at lunch.

“Sure, no problem,” Dinky said agreeably. “I was only afraid for Scootaloo, so if she’s um... ‘okay’ then I don’t mind. I mean,” he blushed at his own words. “I’d really like that. Thanks, Diamond Tiara.”

“No problem,” Diamond said giving him an uncertain wave. “See ya, Dinky.”

He lifted a hand to match hers, then turned and quietly walked out the courtyard, leaving Diamond alone with her thoughts, now very different thoughts than she had had before. Could they really... be together? It would be so scandalous, and they shouldn’t, but... Dinky was a boy and Diamond never got to be like, with them before. The implications of that softest little touch of his lips to hers both thrilled and chilled her.

Diamond Tiara was still lost in thought in History class, completely tuning out the professor’s analogies between armies and boat models, to stare thoughtfully out the window. Then she saw Applejack running full tilt across the courtyard, toward the parking lot. “What’s up with her?” Diamond wondered, as the stetson toting girl jumped in their beat up old green truck, and started to pull out of the parking lot and wheel around to the front of the school, where Diamond Tiara couldn’t see her anymore.

“Come on, come on...” Applejack said to the steering wheel of the truck as she gripped it tensely and idled the engine. She couldn’t believe this! Of all the worst things that could possibly happen, this had to be pretty up there! Applejack waited there impatiently, while Granny Smith trundled out from the front of the school and lumbered up to the truck, heaving herself up to come in on the passenger seat.

“Be sure to check yer signals,” Granny advised as Applejack shifted into reverse and spun the truck around, gunning it forward then and peeling rubber as she left the parking lot for the open road. “Now hold on thar, let me get mah seat belt on,” Granny chirped admonishingly, as Applejack clenched her hands on the wheel.

“Now ain’t the time to be holding on, granny,” Applejack said anxiously, “We could be in big trouble!”

“Watch the road, missy!” Granny commanded, making Applejack snap forward in a panic to see the car ahead of her at a conservative distance. “You gotta learn to pay attention,” Granny continued unabashedly, “If you’re gonna be at the wheel.”

“What if they’re doin’ something to Apple Bloom?” Applejack fretted, trying to change lanes to get around this—oh for the love of pete why do these slow drivers always travel in pairs? There was no way to pass two of them!

“Yer tailgaitin’ Applejack,” Granny said warningly, and Applejack pulled her foot off the gas with a concerted effort.

“What if they lock her away, Granny?” Applejack asked. “What if they lock me away? Ah may never see mah sister again!”

“Ain’t no reason to be so fussy,” Granny said irritably, to the orange girl trying to drive her truck at a moderate speed without going completely insane. “Oh hey look,” Granny remarked, “One of them slow fellers is turnin—”

Applejack shoved the gas and swiveled her truck around the car ahead of her, as the other car blocking her way took a right turn down a side street. She accelerated then, trying her best not to just floor it and stay safely at or maybe a little bit above the speed limit.

“Here comes a stoplight, AJ,” Granny pointed out.

“Ah see it, Granny,” Applejack said tensely.

“You slow down at a yeller light!” Granny said in alarm as Applejack sped up to make it across the intersection when the light turned yellow. “You don’t speed up! What kinda driver are you?”

“The kind who’s worried about her sister!” Applejack said emphatically. “We gotta get there, and you gotta clear things up like, there’s gotta be an explanation. What do we say? We just plumb forgot? It was too weird for them? Ah don’t wanna be—”

“Calm down missy,” Granny said, laying a hand on Applejack’s tense shoulder. “We’ll get there, and frettin’ about it ain’t gonna get us there any faster. Nobody’s in danger it’s just a little euhmn... mix-up that’s it.”

“It’s one slap doodle of a mix-up, from what Big Macintosh said on the phone!” Applejack retorted hotly, trying not to scream as there was another slow driver in front of her, and this time the road only had one lane to it. Applejack leaned on the horn in exasperation, saying, “Come on, pick it up already!”

“Now listen!” Granny fussed angrily, “You really are gonna get yourself in trouble if’n you don’t be careful on the road! You young’ns think just because you got your permit you can do anythingGGGYYYY” The truck accelerated, as the car in front of her pulled over to the side of the road. Applejack thanked a thousand times whoever was driving that little coupe that pulled over for her. She wasn’t gonna let her little sister fret, not one second longer than she had to!

“Applejack,” Granny said as they cruised through the diminishing suburbs. “You ain’t feelin’ so good ah know, but...”

“Ah’m just worried about mah sister,” Applejack said fretfully. “Ah cain’t imagine what ah’d do if anything every happened to her! With all this mess she’s stuck in, ah just cain’t keep it together, Granny. Ah cain’t be there for mah little Apple Bloom on account of this gosh darned forsaken schoolin’ that just don’t make a lick of sense. And now she’s in trouble, and it’s all mah fault!”

“Yer so concerned about her,” Granny said thoughtfully, “You ain’t even said one word about Big Macintosh. You know he’s there too, an’ he’s in more trouble than she is.”

“That’s different, Granny,” Applejack said with a sigh, “Apple Bloom is mah sis... uh, well Big Macintosh is mah brother too. But it’s just... ah don’t know how to explain it. She needs me granny, an’ ah just cain’t be there to watch over her.”

“Suppose so,” Granny admitted, “But don’t ferget about him. He’s a lot more vulnerable than he looks. I wager he’s just eatin’ himself up inside over this, while Apple Bloom’s just fine. She can be a little firebrand when something don’t go her way. I wager they got their hands full of her, and she ain’t havin’ no problem at all.”

“What if she gets too mad?” Applejack worried, taking a hard semicircle around a car ahead of her once the passing lane came up. “What if she gets violent? If she hurts one of ‘em then who knows what could happen?”

“Applejack,” Granny said consolingly.

“What if she runs away?” Applejack said tensely. “You know there’s something strange out in those woods out there, and she’s just gonna run into it, after they chase her down for defyin’ them!”

“Applejack...” Granny repeated in a warning tone.

“Can you even go back to school when you’ve got taken into the—”

“Applejack, you’re missin’ the turnoff!” Granny shouted. Applejack’s truck swerved crazily as she snapped her attention on the dirt road turnoff right behind that pretty picket fence that her dearly departed folks had erected. As wheels hit dirt, Applejack straightened out the truck’s path, the noise filling her ears of wheels grinding on gravelly road dirt.

“Sorry, granny,” Applejack said a mite later, still a bit spooked from that last minute turn-off that she almost missed. She never missed the turnoff to Sweet Apple Acres. “Ah guess ah’m just lettin’ it get to me too much.”

“Darn tootin’ ye are!” Granny chided her, with a light smack on her shoulder. “Now just relax, and don’t think that one bad thing happened to Apple Bloom while you were gone. We’re almost there, and then we can ehumn maybe do something about it, or at least apologize.”

“It just don’t make no sense what happened,” Applejack declared, staring forward, shaking her head in bemusement. “Not her friends, not her family, but them? What the hay is goin’ on here?”

“We cain start by gettin’ there, an’ tellin’ them the honest truth,” Granny said sagely. “Ain’t nothin’ that cain’t be worked out once you knows all the facts.”

“Suppose so, granny,” Applejack said in a subdued tone. The two remained silent as the farm house in the distance, visible through the twisted branches of the winter trees, bright red against the white snow, grew larger and larger as they approached it. Applejack drove the truck up into her yard, trying not to think about how hard it was to fit, what with the extra vehicle haphazardly parked in here. They came all the way out here for this, but it made sense that they’d be concerned. Considering what happened, about any sort of overreaction is entirely justified.

After finally rolling to a halt, Applejack threw the emergency brake, and kicked the door open, jumping out of the truck and landing on the ground in one leap, before jogging straight for the front door. She could vaguely hear Granny shout a “Hold yer horses, missy!” behind her, but Applejack left Granny to struggle with the seatbelt on her own. There was someone else who needed her help more.

Applejack pulled open the front door and ran in, shouting, “Apple Bloom! Are ya here? Where are you?”

“Ah’m over here, sis!” Apple Bloom called out from where she, Sweetie and Scootaloo were right there, doing something on the floor with mathematical flashcards. Applejack rushed over to the three ponies, that cute as a button unicorn, that wished-she-wasn’t cute as a button wingy horse, and her darling little sister, even more darling as a pony than Apple Bloom had any right to be.

“Oh, you’re okay, Apple Bloom!” Applejack said in relief, picking her up and hugging the little pony to her chest. Apple Bloom smelled like a horse, but it was her horse smell, something Applejack had come to love in its connection to the person she loved inside this small, animal exterior.

“Applejack!” Apple Bloom whined, pushing Applejack’s cheek away with a hoof. “It ain’t that serious! Ah wasn’t even in danger.”

“Ah know ah just... you know how ah can be,” Applejack said with a bit of blush in her face. “They didn’t interrogate you did they? You’re not gonna have to go, are you? Like, with them? Ah don’t want you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.”

“Ah’m fine,” Apple Bloom said grumpily, if a bit touched with emotion. “Thanks for thinkin’ of me, but they been perfectly nice since they got here, an’ we’re all just waiting for you and Granny before we make any sorta commitment.”

“A-alright Apple Bloom,” Applejack said, holding her sister dangling out at arm’s length. Somewhat awkwardly, Applejack placed Apple Bloom back on the floor, Apple Bloom’s four pony hooves finding purchase and standing confidently like she was born that way. “Sorry ah... well, uhm...” Applejack stuttered unsurely.

Then Applejack turned her attention to two of the people in the room who were not part of the family, or Apple Bloom’s little pony friends. One of them stood up, while the other remained sitting, and Applejack took her hat of her head, clutching it nervously to her chest and approaching the two strangers.

“Afternoon, officers,” she told the uniformed police officers. Applejack turned her attention to the standing one, who spoke, while the one in the hat remained silent.

“Afternoon,” the tall man said in a clever, light tenor, “My name’s officer Linky, and this is Sergeant Noi.”

“Ah see that,” Applejack said, blushing despite herself in the sheer awkwardness of the situtation. Granny came up beside her looking equally nervous, and Big Macintosh was nowhere to be found, probably hiding his face from getting involved with this mess.

“We just had a few questions for you,” the standing officer told her politely.

“Yeah, ah see that,” Applejack agreed weakly.

“Are you the head of household?” he asked suspiciously. Applejack gulped.

“Ah’m the head of household,” Granny said dangerously beside Applejack. “You wanna ask yer questions, you ask me, an’ stop scarin’ mah granddaughter.”

“In all honesty, I don’t think there’s any way I could not scare her,” officer Linky said with a shrug. “People think police are just these common thugs who are going to blow their top, or drag people away. We don’t want any trouble, just answers.”

“Dunno how many answers ah cain give ye,” Granny said uncomfortably. “Even if mah daughter is a bit of a worrywort, heh.”

Applejack blushed, despite herself. She really wished she could deny that statement.

“So, you’re not angry?” Applejack asked him cautiously.

“Oh, I’m angry,” officer Linky said quietly, “But I don’t know what I’m angry at, yet. And Sergeant Noi here is...”

“Furious!!” Sergeant Noi shouted seethingly. The first word she uttered, since Applejack had come in. It was a fitting word, for a fitting situation. It’s safe to say that the sergeant was hopping mad, or would have been, given the ability to do so.

“Well,” Granny cut in uneasily, “So what can we ermn, help you with?”

Linky looked up from glancing at his fellow officer who had once again gone silent, and took a notebook out of his back pocket, flipping it open and pulling a pen out of the side.

“I was hoping you could start,” he said to Granny in a strained tone, “By telling us why Sergeant Noi here changed into a little pony.”


The four people faced off with each other, only three of them human. The orange skinned Applejack was in her shirt vest and jean-skirt like she always wore, boots still on from when she just ran heedlessly into the house. Green old granny was dressed up in her cafeteria scrubs, evidence that lunch today in Canterlot High would be one of great tribulation. Officer Linky was a tall, blue man, with proud grey curls coming from under his police hat, and a standard issue uniform, with a rather intimidating looking utility belt. And next to him was Sergeant Noi.

Saying Noi was in uniform may have been something of an exaggeration. She had her badge attached by a lanyard around her neck. The only other thing she was wearing was what was possibly the precinct’s smallest police hat on her head. Even as small is it was, it fit poorly. Stopping it from falling down around the eyes of Sergeant Noi were two broad, furry, triangular ears.

Noi was normally a yellow lady with blonde hair, and that’s about what Applejack and Granny were looking at. But instead of yellow skin, instead she was covered head to toe, or hoof as such the case may be, in a dense coat of corn yellow fur. Instead of being tall and imposing, she was tiny and round. She wasn’t standing on her hooves, and may have not been entirely sure how, because she certainly hadn’t acquired hooves very recently. Instead, Noi was sitting there, with her hooves neatly curled underneath her on the couch that she sat upon, or had been laid down upon, glaring around with her deeply violet eyes, looking fit to kick ass and take names.

Noi was a little pony, just like Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. She was yellow on yellow, darker in hair than coat color. If you looked closely you could see a second lighter stripe in her mane and tail. If not for her large, vividly purple eyes, Noi’s colors might even have passed for a normal pony. Her tail was shorter than that of the other three, Apple Bloom’s formerly being the shortest tail. Noi’s was small, and scruffy enough it actually kind of looked like a pony tail (but not a pony’s tail) except for the fact that the tip of it would twitch back and forth in agitation not unlike that of a cat.

“Ehm....”

“Euhmn...”

“Eurmnumnmmm....”

“Did ye dream about any apples, lately...?” Granny finally asked Noi, the grandmother ceasing her awkward mumbling mantra, and looking with worry down at the high ranking little pony police officer.

Noi just glared at her a moment, as if Granny was being totally inconsiderate, before saying in a thin but scratchy voice, “I cahn htalhk.” She stopped then, and repeated “carnh. ca—carhnot!”

“Flatten your tongue more!” Apple Bloom shouted, over from where the three pony girls were coloring and trying to make themselves inconspicuous.

Noi seemed to think a moment, then said “Wordsz,” to Granny Smith, then going back to intense deliberation, then saying “Harld.” Then she got stuck, saying “thoo... thloo... koo...”

“Tongue curled back, on the roof of your mouth!” Apple Bloom shouted over.

Noi glanced in their direction and said, “Hard th...to. Harld to pthalhk. Augh!”

Granny sighed, and said carefully, “Can ye say ‘yes’?”

Noi regarded her warily, then said unsurely, “...yesh.”

“And cain ye say ‘no’?”

“Ngo,” Noi said, then scrunched her teeny little muzzle up in frustration, and said again, “No.”

“Then,” Granny said, staring off into space, “Euhm... golden apples, that’s right! Didja dream of a golden apple? Yes er no.”

Noi blinked owlishly at Granny’s stare. Then said, “No.”

Granny looked up at Applejack shrugging and saying, “Well ah got nuthin’. Any idears?”

“Ah dunno how much we are gonna be able to help you,” Applejack said to the inferior officer. “We’re just the butt end of this joke, here. Ah don’t know why Apple Bloom is a pony, Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo. We’ve just been tryin’ ta deal with it, and we probably shoulda contacted you once something new came up.”

“This kind of hit all of us out of the blue,” officer Linky put in. “I’m not sure what the police could have done for you if... you called us over whatever happened here.”

“What happened,” Scootaloo spoke up excitedly, trotting up to the four of them despite Apple Bloom frantically gesturing for her to come back, “Is me and Sweetie had the same dream as Apple Bloom, about a golden apple. And Apple Bloom changed into a pony in the dream, and then she changed into a pony in real life. Then, me and Sweetie we just randomly changed into ponies, like a long time later, and we’ve been hiding out at Apple Bloom’s farm ever since. And uh... you can talk better as a pony, once you figure it out.

“Uh, I mean...” Scootaloo said, backing up from the cops, and glancing back belatedly, “You know if it uh, helps your investigation that is.”

“Stop botherin’ the police officers, Scootaloo!” Apple Bloom called out from across the room.

“No, no it’s fine,” officer Linky said, sitting next to sergeant Noi. “So you’re the only new uh... ponies, besides the sergeant here?”

“Far as I know,” Scootaloo said, with a very human looking shrug. “And we could talk pretty good after a couple weeks and a lot of practice. Still hard to say esh sometimesh.”

“Dhish izza nigh’mare,” came the seargent’s voice in a morose whimper. “Can barery hwalk, can’ thalk, soun’ like a lil ghurl, I dun hwanna prashtiz szpeaking!” From her seat up on the couch, Noi looked with glimmering fear at Scootaloo standing there on the floor, a worried little pony standing before her down there, trying to look confident and brave.

“Zheesh ki’sh dunno anyfing,” Noi said in a defeated tone, waving a hoof in Scootaloo’s direction. “We dunno anyfing. Wha I dhoo thoo dheserzsve hthis?” Noi’s voice was filled with a tremulous sadness. It made her ears flatten back all on their own, and thus, her police hat fell down over her eyes.

“Augh!” Noi cursed wordlessly, rolling onto her side to fight with the hat encasing half her head, trying to push it off with clumsy, uncoordinated hooves. The officer Linky rushed over and pulled the hat off her, but Noi was crying now, helpless bitter sobs escaping her chest as free of the hat she turned away from them, curling in a ball and moaning, “Don’ hlook a’ me!”

Looking severely out of his element, officer Linky just firmed his lips and awkwardly placed the police hat back on the general vicinity of Noi’s head, then backed away. And Scootaloo wasn’t sure if she was ever going to stop wincing, from this poor lady-gone-pony’s predicament.

“If it’s any consolation,” Scootaloo told Noi uncomfortably, “At least you’re totally adorable now.”

The sergeant sniffled and lifted her head without uncurling, turning it smoothly to look Scootaloo’s way. The hat just barely managed to stay on akimbo. “I... I am?” she asked in a weepy, if surprised sounding voice.

“Yup,” Scootaloo said, with a sympathetic smile. “I’ve never seen a more adorable pony in my life, and I live with Sweetie Belle over there.” She tossed her head in the direction of her friend to emphasize the unbearably adorable candy colored unicorn.

“Hthank goonesh hfor thsmall favorth,” Noi admitted, unable to hold back a sullen laugh. She turned to look away from Scootaloo, but at least she was not actively crying anymore.

Apple Bloom eyed Scootaloo as she trotted back to her two friends, whispering quietly, “Gosh Scoots, maybe you should major in psychologizing!”

“There’s no psychology major,” Scootaloo rolled her eyes chidingly. “I was jus’ trying to make her feel better.”

“Well, I’d be afraid to say that,” Sweetie warily noted. “What if she was offended from being called adorable?”

“We turned into ponies,” Scootaloo said with a hoof stomp, “Everything about us is totally weird and new now, and we’re all gonna think it looksh totally uh... weird. Sometimes someone’s gotta remind you that you’re still beautiful, not some kind of hideous freak.”

Sweetie blushed at that, taking Scootaloo’s comment entirely too personally. “Ain’t nothing wrong with being reminded of that neither,” Apple Bloom said consolingly. “It’s just a weird as heck on a cornstick situation.”

“Besides,” Scootaloo said stretching her back and snapping her wings out, “I’m not gonna be a psychologist. I’m gonna be a daredevil athlete, just like Rainbow Dash!” She paused to look back at her own wings in discontent, “Or, whatever a horse with wings can be. Heck yeah,” Scootaloo again brightened, saying, “I’m gonna be a flying athlete!” and she jumped then, fluttering a little in place before landing heavily on her hooves.

“That’ll be awesome!” Sweetie told Scootaloo indulgently, with an obligatorily gap-toothed smile.

“Ah hope the grownups have some idea what to do about all this,” Apple Bloom said dismally. “’cause they’re gonna ask me if they don’t, and ah ain’t got no idea either!”

“Let’s just stay out of the way,” Scootaloo said nervously. “I don’t wanna say something bad to a cop. I already almost blew it, just because they were so... clueless!”

Apple Bloom huffed a sigh, and said, “Yeah I gue— wait!!” she abruptly turned away, bleating out that last word as she ran across the room, straight towards the police officers. Scootaloo stared after her in puzzled exasperation.

“Then why don’t I get to do that?” Scootaloo asked Sweetie Belle.

“Because... it’s Apple Bloom,” Sweetie said, giving up trying to make sense of it.


“Well, that’s about all we’re going to need,” officer Linky said, folding up his notebook. “If you find anything else at all, please let us know. This could be very important, if other people are changing into ponies besides your little sister here.”

“Ah’ll do what I can,” Applejack said in uneasy reservation.

“Then thank you, miss Applejack,” Linky said politely, picking Noi right up off the couch to dangle in his arms. “Now if you’ll excuse the two of us, we’re going to get back to the station to—”

“Wait!!” Apple Bloom called out, gallopping across the room towards the police officers. “Ain’t the sergeant gonna stay? Why’s she leaving?”

“...because she’s my commanding officer?” Linky said, unnerved at the strident apple colored pony reared up on his knee and looking at him.

“But she—but...” Apple Bloom backed up clopping to all fours, and backed up to face an alarmed looking Noi saying, “But you cain’t even speak, and ah dunno if you’re all that good at walkin’ yet. I thought that’s why you came here!”

“I duthno how thoo... abou’ my thongue?” Noi said, crossing her eyes at her own brand new pony muzzle. “Goh’ a hjob thoo dhoo,” she concluded finally, looking neutrally at Apple Bloom from where she hung there. It would have been sad if it weren’t so serious.

“Not if you cain’t speak right,” Apple Bloom insisted in frustration. “Ah’m sorry an’ ah don’t wanna make trouble, but you shouldn’t leave just like that.”

“Pardon me, miss uh... pony,” Linky said, leaning down to peer at Apple Bloom uncertainly.

“You know ah’m called Apple Bloom, right?” Apple Bloom asked him suspiciously.

“Right, Apple Bloom,” he said, blushing beneath his sky blue. “You seem to think it necessary that everyone who’s a pony stay here. Is there some reason for that?”

“Well... yeah?” Apple Bloom said, her ears going down nervously. “Ah’m the only girl around who’s a pony, who cain teach her how to be a pony.”

Scootaloo arrived, butting up beside Apple Bloom, saying, “Yeah, I couldn’t even talk when it happened too, and Apple Bloom helped so much! She’s the best friend I could ever have.”

Apple Bloom blushed at that, but didn’t push away from Scootaloo, just mumbling something along the lines of “yer too kind” to her friend, with bouncy bangs shading her eyes.

Officer Linky looked at sergeant Noi uncertainly, and Noi was regarding the two ponies with an unreadable expression. “No gonna geth anyfhing dhone atha sthasthion anyhway,” she said reluctantly, waving a hoof up at him from where she hung in Linky’s arms. The officer obligingly returned the dusty yellow pony to the couch, where Noi tried to arrange her hooves comfortably, and then said to Apple Bloom, “You therioushly can hteatsh hme thoo thalk?”

Noi crossed her eyes again.

“You. Can helrp. Me. Thalk?” Noi repeated, very slowly and meticulously.

“Just a matter of adjustment,” Apple Bloom said confidently, crooking a confident hoof in front of her own chest. “You cain do a lot more with your mouth now, so you just gotta figure how to limit the darn thing to talking. An’ you’re an earth pony, just like me! So I bet you’ll do real good at it.”

“Hearth hfony?” Noi said skeptically.

“Oh!” Apple Bloom realized, with a nervous chuckle, “Uh, because Scoots here is a... sky pony, on account of the wings, and Sweetie is a... star pony. Yeah, that’s it.” Apple Bloom just made that up, because she really, really didn’t want to get Sunset and Twilight in trouble with the police, by spoiling the whole thing herself. But on the other hand, Apple Bloom couldn’t imagine how they’d stay uninvolved at this point. But on the other hand, weren’t those two already in trouble with all the stealing and stuff? But on the other hand, it happened to a police sergeant?!

“I can totally fly too!” Scootaloo cut past Apple Bloom’s inward dilemma. The little pegasus pony jumped up into the air, and flapped briskly to slow her fall.

“See?” she said, still beaming, “Soon I’m gonna really fly, too!”

Noi couldn’t help but giggle at that, and she blushed when what came out of her sounded more like some weird synthesis between a horse nickering and a child’s laughter, but she clarified herself, saying to Scootaloo, “You are hjusth sho exsheyeted abou’ htat!”

“Who wouldn’t be?” Scootaloo retorted smoothly. “Rainbow Da—a top athlete at Canterlot High thinks it’s totally awesome!”

“I suppose... I could just leave by myself, then,” officer Linky said in a hesitant manner. “You uh... want me to bring over some doughnuts or something?”

“YES” Sweetie Belle politely stated, zipping up next to Scootaloo and Apple Bloom at the officer’s feet, to stare at officer Linky with an intensity rivaling that of a polar bear. She seemed to realize at that point, and backed up a step saying, “I mean... yes, some doughnuts would be appreciated and I like vanilla with sprinkles. Um...”

Sweetie just sort of continued backing up at that point, blushing heavier and drooping in her ears and tail.

“Wow Sweetie, you really like doughnuts?” Apple Bloom asked looking at her curiously. “We ain’t got any since you came here! Why didn’t you ever say so?”

“Well, I didn’t want to impose...” Sweetie mumbled.

“It’s no problem, really,” the officer said, smiling congenially. “But uhm... you ponies can eat doughnuts?”

“Doughnuts are pretty fatty,” Apple Bloom remarked to the officer, tilting an ear, “But they got tons of sugar in ‘em, and that makes it easy to digest. Anything with sugar is just pure goodness, pretty much.”

“Al...righty then,” Linky said relatively calmly, standing up, and heading for the door. “I’ll just check with the station to update them on the situation, and I’ll be back to uh... pick up the sergeant after dinner?

“That uh... well don’t ask me,” Apple Bloom said flustered, “You’re the lawman here. What does your sergeant say?”

They both looked at Noi, who buried her face in the couch and mumbled out, “mmht ‘s well mmbldiaper mma bommle...”

After a pause, Linky said hesitantly, “I think that means... yes.”

And so officer Linky manuvered the police car around the Apple’s truck, and revved down the road, while sergeant Noi just stayed right there on the couch. She craned her head around in the direction of the diminishing engine, her hat flipping off her head so the yellow pony could listen with her conical ears perked forward, and an unfamiliar look of fear on her face.

“Y’wanna speak first, or walk?” Apple Bloom asked her from behind, startling Noi on the spot. Oops. “Seems like speaking might be right,” Apple Bloom said blushing abashedly once she had Noi’s attention, “But you ain’t exactly walking around either. So, whatever you want.”

Noi turned to face Apple Bloom and frowned, then looked herself over, lying on the couch there. “Shplhk,” she finally said to Apple Bloom.

“Alrighty,” Apple Bloom said readily. “I need ya to start by sticking out your tongue.”