//------------------------------// // Chapter 1 // Story: Ponyville's Latest "Threat" // by NameGoesHere //------------------------------// He looked down at the hamlet. Today will be the day. Today, at long last, my plan will come to fruition. Months upon months of planning will finally be realized, as I began my hostile takeover of Equestria’s entire wretched system. Soon, the little ponies of this land wi- “And you are?” asked an approaching and visibly irritated purple alicorn. “Excuse me? You would DARE to interrupt my nefarious inner monologue?” “Yes, I would. You see, it is six in the morning, and I’m currently running on about three hours of sleep, which puts me in just the right range of exhaustion to be extremely irritable. And when the pony responsible for me having a mere three hours of sleep is an obnoxious unicorn who looks like he’s the head of the King Sombra fanclub, that irritability is definitely gonna come into play. And when said unicorn is standing atop a hill, pointing some sort of magically charged cannon at Ponyville, my home, well lucky me, because I just found a way to vent that irritation.” This was a bit unexpected. But no matter, this fool will soon see the error of her ways. Oh yes, she will bow before me, just like all the oth- “Wait a minute, that isn’t even a real horn, is it?” The soon-to-be-dealt-with alicorn said as she levitated his horn off of his forehead. “Stop doing that- I mean, uh, FOOL! You dare to-“ “I thought we had already established that, yes, I do.” At this point he gave the wretch his best doom glare, but it had about as much of an effect as his previous verbal threats, and so he instead cut to the chase and jumped at his doomsday machine to truly begin his masterwork. To which the alicorn responded by immobilizing him midair in a telekinetic field and saying, “You still haven’t told me your name.” He attempted another doom glare before sighing, hanging his head, and finally mumbling. “Seafood Dinner.” “…pardon?” “My name is Seafood Dinner.” She raised her eyebrow so high it nearly left her face “You do realize that’s even less threatening than your overblown ‘evil overlord’ appearance, right?” “Well, it’s not like I chose it.” “Right, I suppose that’s a fair point.” For the first time she showed an emotion other than annoyance on her face- specifically, mild sheepishness. This quickly dissolved, however, first into realization and then into clinical seriousness. She summoned a clipboard and asked. “So, Seafood, have you ever displayed any sort of extreme physical strength? Perhaps great endurance? Or maybe an impressive talent for gardening and/ or other forms of agriculture?” Seafood was, of course, positively dumbfounded, which was quite a shame for him as Twilight’s annoyance was swiftly returning. Fortunately, he had enough sense of mind to stammer out “W-what?” Unfortunately, this did little to stem said annoyance. “I thought I was quite clear. I asked you three things: have you ever displayed great physical strength, endurance, and/ or agricultural prowess. They are simple ‘yes or no’ questions, so what’s the problem?” Fortunately, Seafood had regained more of his senses now and was able to put together a more coherent response, as well as a bit of annoyance of his own. “The problem?! The problem is, why did you ask those questions at all? One moment, you’re criticizing my name and fashion sense- and being quite rude about it, I might add- and the next you’re surveying me? I repeat: WHAT?” Unfortunately, the supposed good fortune of this proved to be just as false as before. “I don’t like your tone. You will behave respectfully when you are talking to me.” Twilight snapped. “Oh, so you’re my mother now?” “Well, your actual mother clearly didn’t do a good enough job raising you, so I have to fill in!” She looked like she wanted to say more, but instead took a deep breath, closed her eyes, put her forehoof to her chest and slowly moved it away. She opened her eyes and made as if to speak, but then repeated the action again… and then once more for good measure. “Sorry, my sister in law is pregnant, and it’s gotten me thinking about parenthood a lot lately. Anyway, would you please answer my questions?” This did approximately nothing to lessen Seafood’s confusion, and fared only a little better with his irritation, but he had finally grasped that his verbal brute force strategy was not going to work. Instead, it was time employ his cunning. “I’ll tell you if you let me down first, if that sounds reasonable.” “Oh, of course, my apologies.” She gently lowered him to the ground and fully released him from her still active telekinetic grip. Excellent, now I just need to distract her long enough to activate my masterpiece. “Look, a-“ “Let’s just get rid of this, though.” She said as she encased his cannon in a translucent force field, which quickly turned opaque and shrunk to nothing, taking the cannon with it. “WHAT!?! HOW COULD YOU?” Do you know how long I worked on that?” “Relax, I didn’t destroy it; I just locked it in my own personal pocket dimension. You can have it back once I’m sure you won’t try to hurt anyone with it anymore… Ugh, there I go again, sorry, but the fact remains that you were pointing a gigantic weapon at my home. Count yourself lucky that a temporary confiscation is the extent of your punishment. Now, would you please answer my questions?” Seafood, however, was grief-stricken and had forgotten the lesson he’d learned just moments before. “WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?” The eyebrow raise returned, and this time it was downright surprising that the face managed to keep it within its grasp. “Umm, the fact that I comprise a fourth of this country’s tetrarchy.” “SINCE WHEN? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOU!” This objection was succeeded with a pathetic attempt at a death glare and an accompanying round of hyperventilation. Twilight’s eyebrow was given a break here as she expressed her confusion this time with a cock of her head instead. “Really? How? Look, I try to not get cocky, but you seriously weren’t there when I fought a gigantic centaur to a standstill? He’d stolen the magic of nearly everyone in the entire country; that probably included you.” Seafood stopped his hyperventilating here, and his face quickly twisted into something that showed anger of a much purer and more extreme variety than anything previously had. He mustered up all of his strength and took the most devastating swing he could manage at Twilight. Which would have barely been effective at all, even if it had made contact, but Twilight simply reactivated her telekinesis and stopped him in his tracks. “Alright, despite my exhaustion and annoyance, I’ve tried to be patient. But the fact remains that I am a princess and you are threatening my subjects. The fact that I didn’t arrest you on sight alone was a mercy, and it’s high time you realized that. Now, for the last time, answer my questions.” There was a moment’s pause where Twilight allowed herself to hope beyond hope that she might finally get some answers and move the conversation forward, but those hopes were dashed when Seafood broke down in tears. For Twilight, it was one of those times when she just had to take a moment to ponder just how in Equestria this was her life. She waited for her tormentor’s wailing to die down, but once a whole minute had passed without the slightest hint of such, she reluctantly admitted to herself that she’d best intervene. “Um… excuse me, Mr. Dinner, I… obviously said something to upset you. So, I would just like to say that I’m sorry. Can you accept my apology?” She wasn’t sure he’d even heard her, because he didn’t respond in any way and if anything might have just started crying even louder. Well, that didn’t work. On to plan B. She gingerly reached out a hoof and pat Seafood on his shoulder. “There, there.” Wait. What are you doing, Twilight? You’re the Princess of Friendship. Act like it! She cleared her throat and spoke in her most encouraging tone. “Listen to me, Seafood, I’m sorry I hurt you. It seems clear to me now that, although you are walking down a dark path, you needn’t stay on it forever.” She extended a hoof. “If you will let me, I can show you a better way.” Seafood stopped his blubbering, looked at the offered hoof, and then burst into a fresh wave of sobs. Twilight stared, dumbfounded. “Alright, I can wait!” And wait she did. It took Seafood a whole five minutes before his sobbing had subsided enough for her to break through it. “Seafood, Seafood, Seafood! Are you done?” He nodded glumly. “Good. Now, would you please come with me?” He suddenly grew panicky. “I’m sorry. Please don’t arrest me!” “I’m not arresting you. I’m inviting you to my house for tea.” What?” “You heard me. Come along, now.” From somewhere deep inside his soul, Seafood mustered up one last attempt at rebellion. “And why should I?” “Remember what I said about showing you a better way? I meant it. I don’t know all the details about your life, but given that last outburst of yours, I’m willing to bet you’re not a terribly happy pony. I can help you, if you’re willing to let me.” In what was easily his wisest decision yet in this entire exchange, Seafood nodded and followed the princess to her castle.