//------------------------------// // Ponyville // Story: Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria // by Rainbow_Dashtruction //------------------------------// Why Humans should never be allowed in Equestria A story of batshit lunacy What had I done, thoughts flowed through James has he was propelled through the magic tunnel, its purple light blinding him at random intervals. He did not know how his friend Scott was coping with the light. The two teenagers helplessly were sucked down the portal. “I told you we should of hitched a ride with that guy with that thing, what’s it called, retardis?” said Scott. “Sorry” replied James, “I didn’t think trusting a guy in a tweed shirt saying his blue telephone box could help us travel the universe would be smarter than jumping into a magical glowing purple wall!” The duo finally reached a destination, and were flung from yet another rectangular portal, and landed safely on their backs on soft green grass. As they started getting up, a dark figure emerged from the portal behind them. James immediately rose to his feet, yelled “wrong dimension Steve!” and round house kicked the figure straight back into the portal. “I was told there would be glowstoooooone” cried Steve as his voice faded into the distance. As the duo looked around, they saw a bright and happy landscape, but aside from the odd woodland creature, no one was in sight. As they were both pigs when it came to food, the duo decided to try and find a civilised species so that they wouldn’t get mildly hungry, and they began jogging slowly in one direction, however, after 5 minutes, James was almost coughing up blood. “Ok are you serious, your already that tired, you spend your time playing Skyrim constantly, you eat bloody tons of food and never exercise, how are you not fat!” Scott said. “Scott, I seriously doubt readers care about my scientifically impossible ability to not lose weight, why are you trying to make everything long, we have already gone more than 300 words without a single character that isn’t OC, we already lost 3000 readers!” “Shut up with the fourth wall breaking, the readers are getting suspicious!” “Right, right, oh when will we find food, I’m so hungry” “Ok then, well I see a conveniently placed town full of colour over there, let’s go over there” Scott dragged James along to the town, where a mint coloured pony with a light blue mane was leaving her house, the white streak inside looking beautiful in the light from the sun. “Oh fuck me” said James, “It had to be…” “Oh my god James we’re in Equestria, we’re in Equestria!” yelled Scott like a winey 6 year old. “And now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn’t be a offensive stereotype of bronies in a MLP fan fiction” Scott ignored what he said and ran over to the pony, attempting to hug her before being painfully bucked in the balls and shoved away. “What the buck are you things!” Screamed the pony. “Humans” said James. “Well all right then, I’m going to just leave it at that due to the simple fact that the author of this fiction is just plain terrible and wants to get out of the intro as fast as possible, names Lyra Heartrings” “So Lyra, whats with the harp tramp stamp” pointing to Lyra’s mark. “Its my cutie mark” “These ponies have a weird names for tramp stamps” James whispered to Scott, who was still crumbled up on the ground, holding his crotch. “It’s a representation of who I am” “Fuck, we got teleported to a universe of pony whores” Lyra attempted to buck James as well, but James quickly through Scott in the way, once again causing him to be bucked in the balls, this time, the pain sent him unconscious. Scott awoke to the sound a dishs hitting a table, and woke up inside a small cottage, where James was serving plates of sandwiches. Scott quickly grabbed four sandwichs, quickly eating them. After about 5 minutes, Scott was stuffed. “So, what was in these sandwiches?” Asked Scott. “You know that pony we met?” this caused Scott to immediately throw up all over the table. “That was her friend, Bon Bon” Scott continued to throw up all over the dining table. “Wait, what happened to Lyra then?” Asked Scott, he appeared to of stopped his vomiting for a few seconds. “She was in my sandwiches” James replied, causing Scott to faint. “Well, this has gone about as well as expected” The next day, the duo marched into Ponyville, where a white unicorn with a purple mane was dragging a crate full of diamonds. “Whats with the diamonds” James asked. “Oh I didn’t see you there, I’m just taking these back to my boutique” replied the Unicorn, “By the way, my names Rarity” “Wait, why aren’t you shocked by me not being a pony?” Asked James. “A baby dragon named spike gave me some of his weed” replied Rarity. “There is many more questions that raises, but I have a feeling I will like none of your answers, I’m going to follow you since my friend Scott is already trying to hug and the simple fact that despite having a large container full of diamonds, you seem to of put about as much protection on them as a piggy bank with a note taped to it saying do not touch” “Is your friend touching my diamonds?” Rarity proceeded to buck Scott in the balls, causing him to fall face first into the cart of diamonds. Rarity continued to walk with her cart of diamonds with Scott unconscious laying on them. James and the now conscious Scott entered with Rarity into the boutique. “Wait, you were serious about owning a boutique?” said James. “Why wouldn’t I be” replied Rarity. “Lets see, how many ponies so far have I seen wearing clothes today, including you, none.” James said sarcastically. “We usually only wear clothes for special events like the grand galloping gala” “I saw that gala, of the many people there, aside from you and your friends, everyone was either naked, wearing a skin tight show costume, wearing something around their necks or wearing a saddle, presumably because they thought something would happen that night and wanted to make mounting easier” said Scott. “But…wait a minute, what do you mean you saw that gala?” said Rarity. “There is no fucking point to your boutique, it is a waste of space and should be burnt to the ground!” yelled James, before storming out of the boutique, completely ignoring that Rarity had talked. “I’m sorry about James, he’s really a nice guy, but he really hates bronies like me” said Scott, before Rarity could reply, a molotiv cocktail flew through the nearby window, landing next to Rarity, consuming her instantly with the fire. “You bucking son of a bitch” Rarity screamed as she ran wildly around the boutique, spreading the fire. The boutique was caught in a blaze of the inferno, as Rarity dived out the window, rolling on the ground as Scott brought over a large bucket of water which he dumped on Rarity. “Dam that bucking friend of yours, I’ll tear him to pieces if I get my hoofs on him, but at least I’m ali…” Rarity was cut off as a burning chuck of the boutique broke off the upper floor, tumbling down before crushing Rarity, killing her instantly. James walked over to observe the blaze. “Well, that went better then expected.” (Congratulations, you have survived reading the first chapter, and I am so so sorry)