You ever hear something, and then go “there’s no fucking way that’s what I just heard”? Just something so random and off the wall that it defies human comprehension?
“Um… A-anon? I challenge you to a rap battle…”
There’s no fucking way that’s what I just heard. It was easy to brush off, at first. “Maybe Pinkie put her up to this,” I thought. Nope.
“A rap battle?” I repeated. “What? Why would you want to challenge me to a rap battle?”
“I… I thought that’s what humans did…” She seemed so confused. “I saw that BET thing and I thought…”
“Do we even get BET out here?” I asked, my face resting in my palm. “I don’t know how to rap, anyways. I’d just embarrass myself.”
“Oh… That’s unfortunate,” she said in that voice she does sometimes. It makes the person listening guilt trip super hard. “I was really looking forward to it too…”
“Ah, geez,” I said. “C-can’t you challenge someone else?”
“I have already,” she said. “They ended so quickly. No one will give me a chance anymore.”
Right then, I thought something completely different from what was being said. Had I realized what she was actually saying, I wouldn’t have agreed.
“Sure, I guess,” I said. “Maybe you’ll win against me.” Fluttershy showed a face of pure happiness and excitement.
“Thank you, Anon!” She said. “Meet me in front of Twilight’s castle at 3, okay?” She sprinted away so quickly, I didn’t have time to ask anything. I checked the time on my watch: 10:35. I had about 5 hours to come up with the sickest rhymes I could think of.
Not that it mattered. No matter how much time I spent, how clever I thought I could be, or if I was trained by the Bruce Lee of loose leaf himself, I wasn’t going to be ready for what Flutters had in store.
No one was.
First red flag: A crowd of wild, raving ponies.
I walked through them to the epicenter: a small circle where a light was beaming down. The only one in this small circle was Fluttershy, anxiously looking around. Once she spotted me, she gave me a kind smile.
“Hey, Shy,” I said with a wave. “Uh… do you know why there are so many people around?”
“Oh, yeah…” she said with a nervous shake. “I had Pinkie advertise…”
“Why?”
“I was really excited,” she said. “I’m sorry, Anon.”
“It’s kinda gonna throw me off,” I said. “But it’s fine if you’re fine.”
“That’s great then.” She nodded. “So, are you ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever-”
“Yo, Spike!” I’d never would’ve thought a soft, tender soul like Fluttershy could produce a tone so low and gravelly. “Hit us with that beat!”
Out of literally fucking nowhere, a small purple and green dragon appeared. I swear to God, I have no idea where he came from, but he was there, and he seemed determined to do his job. He raised his hands high, calling for silence over the crowd. The cheering died down after a few seconds, and then he stared forward for almost a full minute.
Then, he started to beatbox.
“Uh. Uh. UH! UH!” Fluttershy seemed to be getting a feel for the beat.
This was red flag number two.
“Oh, okay,” I said confusedly. “So do I go first or-”
First up on the verse, turn you niggas to my sons.
All I spit is straight murder, they warned you bout them quiet ones.
Verses stay pristine, I’m Flutter to the $hy.
I may stay down on the ground, but everything I do is fly
With this battle, I want three things in order.
The first is to bring harm like I'm bombarding you with mortars.
For the second, get your camcorders.
My lines bring chaos to this ring like a disorder.
The third is something I can't describe without crossing some type of border.
My bars cut quick, yours are slower than Time Warner's.
My rhymes are destructive, but I think I need to chill.
Step to the bull, you get the horns. Call me Iron Will.
Fluttershy dropped the mic, making a loud, resounding boom.
“What the hell?” I said. “Where did you learn to rap like that? Why are you being so aggressive? When the hell’d you get a mic and speakers?”
“It’s just how it is, Anon,” she said. “You don’t like it, forfeit.”
“Are you gonna quit?” said the small dragon. I shook my head.
“I don’t want to, but I wasn’t exactly prepared for this kind of rapping...” I straightened up. “I’m no rapper, but if Shy’s going all out, I’m gonna give her my best.”
Spike jumped on top of the mysteriously grand turntable stand I didn’t notice before and played a record, spinning it and scratching it to create the most hip-hop beat I’ve ever heard. I bopped my head to the beat and put the mic up to my lips.
Shy, your words just don’t hurt me, you’re causing harm to yourself.
So what you’re fly as fuck? At least my arms reach the top shelf.
I didn't want to have to hurt you but you’re forcing my hand.
You're not killing me. You're stuck in your little dreamland.
After hearing my bars, this crowd's in a daze.
How can I take you seriously? You're rapping with neighs!
Don't even get me started on your whack-ass style.
It's weak. You're peaceful while my raps are hostile!
I'm sorry for this, Shy, but you're losing this bad.
I'm really hoping that this rapping thing is just a fad.
You don't want to see me when I get real mad,
cause that's when my lines become truly ironclad.
Cheers erupted from the crowd of ponies, which seemed to grow larger than the population of Ponyville. I took a deep breath and handed the mic back to Fluttershy.
“I don’t mean anything, by the by,” I said. “This is just friendly bashing, right?” She took the mic in her wing and gave me a friendly smile.
“Please, Anon,” she said. “Let me show you how’s it really done.”
You’ve got a pretty slick rhyming scheme, I’m not gonna lie.
But to say you’re beating me is where I won’t comply.
I think that you’re lines have led this crowd awry,
so let me spit until I bring about a public outcry!
I listenin to your verse; it’s riddled with insults.
They got you nowhere. Listen to this. My bars get me results.
Playing around? Nah, I’ll bring about an apocalypse.
Stallions would kill to get into my bed while you’ve haven’t even locked lips.
I’ll spit nasty till you all get sick of me. Literally.
Individually, I pave the roads of history.
We’re in different leagues, and no, I’m not talking ‘bout anatomy.
You’ve already lost this battle. That, I can guarantee.
They told you ‘bout Fluttershy, and not to step to her
What she brings is all fire, best fetch the extinguisher!
Fluttershy withdrew a fire extinguisher (again, from fucking nowhere) and sprayed me down with it, much to the crowds approval. How she was able to aim or shoot a fire extinguisher without fingers is beyond me.
“Oh, wow,” I said. Taking the mic, once again off of the floor where Fluttershy had dropped it. “Okay, Fluttershy. I think I got one more verse in me.”
“Then spit,” she said. Spike mixed up the beat, and I got ready for the final verse.
Although I'm not sure it really matters at this point,
I'm about to go all out, and don't aim to disappoint
I've dropped enough verses, it's time to finish this.
My bars will give you Nightmare Moons, call it a Luna Eclipse
Fluttershy, this is your end: your own River Styx.
No amount of cheap tricks or long scripts is gonna stop me from saying what I spit.
I'll take you to the ground, and break your back.
You stay in the background; Applejack.
You say that I'll lose? We know that's a lie.
My rhymes so sweet they're getting eaten by Pinkie Pie.
To murder you in a verse is like giving to charity.
I'm a shining diamond in the rough, getting tracked down by Rarity.
Stepping to me? Your face’ll get bashed.
You a couple of cents, I’m cold hard cash.
Thinking I’m brash? I’ll burn you to ash.
I’m quick with the words, my lyrics’ll smash.
I’m spittin this quicker than Rainbow Dash
You could never beat me, cause I’m artful, you’re alright
You had no chance because I’m fucking magic and my bars Sparkle: TWILIGHT!
The crowd, which had since grown to account for basically every pony in all of Equestria, went absolutely bat-shit insane. Instead of politely handing the mic to my opponent, I spiked it like a football, spreading my arms wide and falling back. A group of cheering ponies kept me from hitting the ground, all while hooping, hollering, and carrying on.
“But I’m not a rapper!” I reminded them all.
I don’t exactly know what happened that night, but I woke up in my bed like normal. I heard a bit of music playing somewhere in my house and immediately got up to see what it was. After careful searching, I came into my kitchen, where Fluttershy was sitting on the floor, listening to music playing from my radio.
“Uh…” I said. “Fluttershy? What are you doing here?” Once she heard me, she stood up with a smile.
“Good morning, Anon,” she said normally. It was a relief that she’d returned. “How was your sleep?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t remember even going to sleep last night.”
“You hit your head and passed out after you started crowd surfing.”
“Ah.” We stood in silence for a while. Soon, I sat down in my chair. “So, why did you challenge me to a rap battle?”
“I… I was just… BET.”
“We both know that’s not the real reason, Flutters.” She wiggled away from me. “Well?”
“I just thought… that you might be kinda lonely. You don’t have many friends, anyway.”
“Savage,” I said. “There are sooo many ways to make new friends, and you went with rap battle?”
“The guys on TV always seem so friendly, so I asked Pinkie Pie, and-”
“I knew she was behind this,” I said. “No way I didn’t realize the stuff appearing out of nowhere.”
“Yeah, she was behind that…” Another moment of long silence. I was starting to feel uncomfortable with the slow music playing. “Hey, Anon?”
“Hm?”
“Did I do a good job?”
“Hell yeah, you did a good job,” I said. “I mean, I prefer you when you’re like this, but your lines were elite.” She gave me a nice smile.
“Then, can I ask you another question?”
“Sure, I guess.” She clicked the radio and it started playing a beat. She rose up into the air and pointed a hoof at me.
“You ready for the rematch?” I smiled and stood up to her level.
“Hell yeah.”