Chapter 3: Thunderlane the Maid of Honor
“So you and Mac are tying the knot? Didn't peg you as the type to ever settle down.” Rainbow groaned for what felt like the thousandth time that day. Thunderlane was flying beneath her, his back to the ground so he could look up at her. He wore a pair of flight goggles like most of the weather ponies did, accompanied by a light blue scarf.
Today was one of those rare days where she was on cloud movement duty: It was the equivalent of doing busy work within the weather duties. Normally these days were quite enjoyable, it was easy work with brain in neutral and plenty of time to chat, and with Thunderlane that chats were normally about the Wonderbolts, hoof ball games, or the recent relationship he’d just failed at. Though, like every other pony, today he wanted to talk about her engagement to Big Mac.
I'm going to strangle Rarity the next time I see her, Rainbow thought, not even sure how Rarity had managed to tell so many ponies about this supposed engagement. Looking down at Thunderlane, she was also a bit surprised he cared about it at all. That was when a thought popped into her mind and a smirk spread upon her lips.
“What, you jealous or something?” Rainbow asked, watching him carefully for a response. She knew at one time the dark grey stallion had had a crush on her, but he’d never acted on it, which was okay in her book since she liked him as a friend. Plus, she’d rather avoid whatever had happened between him and the twins, all she knew about it was that it had been ugly.
Thunderlane gave a hard snort before laughing at the question, still flying with his back to the ground. “Me? Jealous of Mac marrying you? I pity the poor fool! I work with you, Dash, and if we ever got serious, I would be afraid you'd kill me doing some stunt! I’m still surprised that Mac is still alive!” Rainbow's face fell into a glare at his words.
“Gee, thanks, Thunderlane. With a silver tongue like that, I wonder why every mare you date dumps your sorry flank.” Thunderlane chuckled, as he righted himself and rose up to the same altitude as Rainbow.
“Harsh, Rainbow, and here I wanted to be your stallion of honor.” Rainbow’s eyebrows furrowed looking back at Thunderlane, who just smiled at her with a big toothy grin.
“My what?”
“You know, the maid of honor? Or whatever the bride’s equivalent is to the best stallion.” Rainbow watched Thunderlane carefully, looking to see if this was one of his lame jokes.
“You know that's for a mare, right?” Thunderlane let out a snort before doing a corkscrew.
“I'll dye my mane to look like yours, put on a dress and poof! I'm your long lost sister, who’s like your best friend in the whole wide world!” Rainbow just stared at Thunderlane, who was apparently serious about this. As much as she knew she should tell him that she and Mac were not getting married, she was too interested to stop him.
“And why would I choose you over my other friends, who are actually mares?” Thunderlane let out another snort as he landed on some clouds and proceeded to strut around, till he finally faced Rainbow Dash again.
“Rainbow, you’re one the guys, and I mean that in the best way! Your bachelorette party has to reflect that! Do you honestly believe that any of your friends could provide a party worthy of such an awesome pony?!” Rainbow scratched her chin, before smirking back at Thunderlane.
“I am pretty awesome.” Rainbow laughed, rubbing the tip of her hoof against her chest as Thunderlane beamed at her. “But tell me what you think the others would do, and why your party would be so much better.” Rainbow was enjoying this way too much, and she knew that Thunderlane had already put way too much thought and effort into this little project.
“Well, you can take Fluttershy and Twilight out of the equation, straight off. What kind of party would they even throw? Twilight would probably have a flow chart in place of what to do when and then measure out how much you guys were going to drink in beakers! That’s not fun; your party needs to be intense and full of energy! Twilight would suck the life right out of it with a smile! And don’t even get me started on Fluttershy. I bet she wouldn't even entertain the idea of hard drinks, and the games would be charades with old mare snacks. So why even consider her?” Rainbow nodded. As much as she loved Flutters—and she did; last month’s ant migration had two witnesses for a reason—she would throw a horrible bachelorette party. She would sooner gnaw off her own foreleg before going to a Fluttershy party, and Thunderlane was spot on with Twilight.
“So what’s wrong with the others?” Thunderlane’s grin grew wider, looking like a cat who had the mouse’s tail under its paw and was now toying with it.
“With Rarity, I think you would be mortified, not entertained. She would want to do it all fancy-like, or else scandalous, as she would put it. There’s no doubt in my mind she would get some strippers for you, and, if I know you as well as I think I do, the minute one of them tried to give you a lap dance would be the minute you broke them in two.” Rainbow couldn't help but chuckle at the comment. It was true that she didn’t like ponies getting too much in her personal space, especially if she didn’t know them, or they were a stallion other than Mac. “And while I have every confidence Applejack could throw a fun party, I also doubt she would want to do anything that could hurt her brother’s feelings, meaning that you would have no fun while everypony else did.”
That one Rainbow really had to agree with. She could still remember the talk Applejack and Granny Smith had given her when she and Mac started to date about how they would clip her wings if she ever hurt the stallion. Rainbow let out a visible shudder, which only made Thunderlane’s smile grow more assured.
“You see? I am the only logical choice for your party!” Thunderlane proclaimed, sticking out his chest and sucking in his gut to give the appearance of true confidence. Rainbow just eyed him, raising a brow as she did.
“And Pinkie Pie? She is the best party planner in all of Ponyville. Probably Equestria,” Thunderlane’s true confidence didn’t falter.
“Dash, you seriously trust Pinkie Pie with your party? I think you want to arrive alive for your own wedding, right?”
Rainbow just smiled again. Fun as Pinkie Pie’s parties were, the idea that she might take the party too far was never out of sight. Copious amounts of sugar and alcohol didn’t mix well.
“So what exactly would you do?” Rainbow asked, now fully curious at what the stallion had in mind for her bachelorette party. Thunderlane just beamed at her, his wings ruffling with excitement at the question.
“First off, we are going to make sure we do this way before the wedding, just on the off chance something happens and we need time to heal some minor wounds and I need to hide from Big Mac. But we are going out to the Lake of the Ozarks baby! Nothing like a long weekend at partycove for your last few nights as a free mare!” Thunderlane was moving his hooves back and forth, unable to contain the excitement he felt. “We will rent a house out there for the weekend as well as a boat, buy plenty of alcohol and go out on the water one day. We would need a big boat, one that could fit like thirty ponies on it at least! Then get out there nice and early and let other boats tie up to us! Lots of drinking, loud music, and have a weekend of debauchery!” Thunderlane exclaimed, throwing his forelegs into the air to drive his point home.
Rainbow sat there, her mind flashing with possible images of what could happen during that weekend. She doubted any of her friends would remain sober for long, and the amount of trouble they could get into was more than enough reason to go along with it. Looking over at Thunderlane, his chest heaving up and down as he panted for breath, she smiled at him.
“Alright, Thunderlane, you’ve got the job.” The second she spoke those words, Thunderlane started to jump around, whooping and hollering and bouncing around the cloud like a foal on Hearth’s Warming Morning. “If I was getting married.”
Thunderlane came to an abrupt halt, turning towards Rainbow, his jaw slack.
“Say what now?”
“Mac didn’t propose. Rarity jumped to conclusions, and she’s been telling everypony that would listen that he did. We’re still dating.”
Rainbow had thought Flitter and Cloudchaser’s reaction to the truth had been pathetic, seeing as they were only interested in grabbing some Apple stallions for themselves. Compared to Thunderlane, they took the news quite well. Thunderlane looked like a deflating balloon; his wings fell limply to either side of him, before he hunched over, his mouth hanging open in pure disbelief.
“Bu… bu… but… Damn it! Now Rumble can’t ask Apple Bloom to be his date for the wedding!” Thunderlane groaned as he fell forward onto the cloud’s surface, sending up puffy pieces as he did so.
“What,” Rainbow Dash grunted, looking at Thunderlane as he tossed about on the cloud, groaning as he did so.
“I had it all worked out! Rumble has a huge crush on Apple Bloom, and I told him this was the perfect chance for him to ask her out. Now what's he gonna do?” Thunderlane huffed as he got up and rubbed his temples. “I’m his big brother! It is my duty to teach him the ways of picking up mares!”
Rainbow Dash gave out a loud snort of laughter, pulling him out of his thoughts momentarily.
“Thunderlane, if you want Rumble to have any luck with mares, then I have the perfect advice.” Thunderlane cocked his head slightly, looking up at her.
“What’s that?”
Rainbow lowered down to Thunderlane’s eye level and smiled. “Don’t. You suck at dating.”
The rest of Rainbow’s shift was uneventful, besides the moaning and grumbling of Thunderlane’s hurt ego, which allowed Rainbow Dash time to think. Since Rarity had visited her this morning, everypony she had come across swore that she and Mac were getting married. Even Gunny had believed it! She wasn’t sure how Rarity had gotten to so many ponies in such a short time, but Rainbow knew she was going to get her back for this!
Rainbow Dash wasn’t exactly a private pony, she liked attention and for ponies to think how cool and awesome she was, but when it came to her more personal life, as far as romance was concerned, she liked to keep that part private. There was nothing cool about ponies knowing she had a crush, or that she was seeking a stallion’s company, or what she did on dates. That wasn't something cool ponies dealt with; that was for ponies who had a crush on her and wanted her attention!
When she and Mac had first started dating, she had allowed her friends to know and a few others; just enough to make sure that all of Ponyville knew Mac belonged to her, and that any mare that tried to come between them would have hell to answer to. But that was as far as she allowed ponies to know about her situation with Mac. Everything else was kept private, only between them. Public dates were not her idea of a good time: to have ponies talking behind their back, to be fuel for gossip around town.
Luckily, this matched up with Mac’s work schedule, and he didn’t seem to mind their dates being walks through the orchard, watching her perform stunts, or hearing her talk about her day. He would always listen to her—truly listen to her, not just pretending to listen, but genuinely listening. Mac wanted to know all he could about her, and she was not shy in the least to tell him all the awesome parts about her, all the amazing adventures she’d had, and all of the fun things she’d done.
Then one evening, about the time she had started to lean against him while they trotted through the orchard, she’d run out of all the good stuff. And she had kept talking. And he had kept on walking with her, rumbling comfortingly when she stumbled, pressing his lips to her crown when her voice failed, and she had just stood, nose buried in his shoulder. He had gotten through all of her barriers, leaving nothing a secret between them. Even knowing the terrible things she had done and her biggest regrets, his feelings for her never changed; they only grew deeper.
And Rarity just had to stick her and everypony else’s precious little noses into it, didn’t she?
The next time I see Rarity, I’m going to mess up her mane and tail so bad that she won’t go outside for a week! Rainbow bucked a cumulus with a bit more force than was necessary, causing it to fade from existence. It might not have been the best of threats one could come up with but, knowing Rarity like she did, this was by far the worst thing she could do to her.
Maybe I’ll tell Thunderlane that Rarity has a crush on him. That would drive her up a tree! Rainbow chuckled at the idea of having Thunderlane following Rarity around like a lovestruck puppy. But she couldn't do that to Spike, though; poor dragon would get jealous and heartbroken thinking that the gem of his eye could be taken by another.
She was already set on paying Rarity a little visit when she got off work, before heading over to the farm to tell Mac about her day, sure that he had probably run into the same problems as her. Knowing Mac, he hadn’t said much more than ‘Eenope’ or ‘Eeyup’ to answer the questions ponies asked him.
As she kicked another cloud out of existence, Rainbow looked around the skies for any other stray clouds to clear away, but the skies were clear blue as far as the eye could see, except for the grey dot of Thunderlane. Smiling, Rainbow darted towards Thunderlane, doing a barrel roll as she did just to get the rush of air around her.
“Alright, looks like we are all done here!” she said with a happy chirp, putting a foreleg around Thunderlane and flying with him. “I gotta go see a pony about some rumors, so I’m taking off!” Thunderlane whipped around to look at Rainbow Dash, his golden eyes wide as she just smiled brightly at him.
“But... wait! What about the paperwork for today? I know we got the easy shift, but we still have to document everything!”
“I’m sure you can handle it, Thunderlane. You’re a smart guy! Just check mark some stuff, talk about kicking some clouds, and boom! All done!” Rainbow was already letting go of him, ready to dive into the town below. Thunderlane stayed aloft by sheer force of his jittering at the prospect of doing both of their paperwork, a task that took a huge chunk of time and stretched one’s mental limits to their breaking point and then kept on going.
“But… but…”
“Look, Thunderlane, I’ve got to go stop this ‘Big Mac and me getting married’ thing soon, otherwise Mac and I will be getting married just because everypony thinks we are! You’ve already got the position of hosting my bachelorette party when I do, and if you cover this for me, I’ll get you a date tonight!”
Thunderlane had almost lapped the town when she had told him that he was going to be the one in charge of Rainbow’s party, but those very last words made him practically light up the sky.
“A… a date!” Thunderlane’s face broke into a large toothy smile as Rainbow Dash started to fly away.
“That’s right! So, you cover me for paperwork,” Rainbow crossed her heart as she flew away. “And I will get you one!”
Rainbow had no idea who she was going to ask to be Thunderlane’s date for the night, but that wasn’t important right now. Besides, she was sure she could get somepony. With the right bribe.