Author’s notes: Why do I get all warm and fuzzy inside while writing this? What I mean is that every time I read a HiE, the main characters always obeys the Princesses immediately and get a submissive and shit. I as an American, resent that. I naturally hate monarchies as an American, so writing Ryan being a prick to royalty makes me smile. You’ll see what I mean.
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Dash and I sat on the day bed for a few hours watching the rain fall. The rain came down steady and hard like it was spring time. It made me think back to all those nights I used to spend on my apartment’s balcony overlooking the city. I would sit out there whenever it was raining and just disassemble and reassemble my 1911 over and over again to pass the time. That was one of my only comforts back in that world.
I felt Dash press up into my side as we watched the rain fall in silence. I felt like all the weight of the past couple of weeks had been removed from my shoulders. I actually felt like fate wasn’t trying to fuck with me for once. I wrapped my arm around her as she did the same to me with a wing. She was close enough to me where I could feel her heart beat in my side. It was a bit slower than mine but that could be for a number of reasons. A flash of lightning erupted in the sky and lit up the room like a flashbulb on a camera. I closed my eyes for a moment and just listened to the sounds of the room.
I could hear the sound of the rain pelting against the glass of the window as well as the thunder rumbling in the distant sky. Every once in a while, I could hear Dash’s breathing over the loud rain. I would try to hold my breath just to hear it from time to time. It was like medicine for my soul. We stayed like this for a while before I heard a knock on the front door.
“Who would be out in a storm like this?” Dash asked as if she was annoyed.
“Good question.” I said as I stood up “It’s probably one of the recruits.”
I walked out of the room and down the hall towards the front room. I made my way over to the couch and grabbed my 1911 that I had set out to dry earlier. Gun in hand, I walked towards the door and Dash flew up behind me. I opened the door with my free hand and saw that it was a pinkish unicorn/Pegasus combos that I still didn’t have a name for. She had purplish hair with a few streaks of the pinkish color that her coat was.
“Hello.” The unicorn/Pegasus… thing, said “Mind if I step out of the rain?”
Confused, I stepped aside as let her walk in. she seemed soaked but that really wasn’t my problem. I rubbed my forehead for a moment and looked over towards Dash for info.
“You know her?” I asked as I motioned with the gun.
Dash nodded her head at me and said “That’s Princess Cadence.”
“Great.” I grumbled “More royalty.”
The “Princess” walked over into the center of the room and turned around towards us.
“You wouldn’t happen to have a towel I could use?” The Princess asked.
“Sure thing.” Dash said as she flew off into the other room.
The Princess watched Dash fly off into the other room before she turned her attention towards me. She seemed to study me for a moment before lowering her eyes to my gun. She frowned for a second before looked back up and met me at eye level.
“I am Princess Cadence and I believe you are Lieutenant General Laney.” She said as she shortened the distance between us.
“How’d you guess?” I said with a thick coating of sarcasm.
“You are very… unique here.” She said with a smile in an attempt to lighten me up.
“You can drop the formalities with me. Just call me Twelve-Gauge.” I replied as I holstered my handgun.
Dash flew back into the room in no time flat and handed a blue towel with her mark on it to Cadence. Cadence’s horn lit up and she used her magic to take the towel and dry herself of.
“So,” I said to cut into the silence “is there a reason you are here or are you just droppin’ in for giggles?”
“Actually,” She said as she handed the towel back to Dash “I heard you were training my husband.”
“Chances are slim that he is still here,” I pointed out “I had seven of my recruits drop out within the first week.”
“I have faith I him. Is Shining Armor still here?” She asked with a hopeful smile.
“Actually, yes he is. He goes by Youngstown right now.” I said with a snicker.
“Youngstown?” She asked, confused.
“It’s his call-sign.” I replied.
“Ok.” She replied with a small laugh “Where is he?”
I could tell that Cadence was trying her hardest to be friendly but I was making it difficult for her.
“He should be at the small campsite nearby that you probably saw on your way in.” I said as I crossed my arms.
Dash flew over to my side and gave me a funny look. She shook her head at me slightly. I just gave a mental laugh and looked back at Cadence.
“If you do not mind, I will go see him.” Cadence said as she walked back towards the door.
I stepped out of her way and pulled the door open for her.
“Don’t let us stop ya.” I said with a smile.
Cadence just shook her head as her horn lit up and created a small force field around her to repel the rain. I wondered why she didn’t use that spell on the way here but, again, it wasn’t my problem. I closed the door and turned around to see an angry Dash staring at me.
“What?” I asked as I lifted my shoulders.
“Are you insane?” She asked.
“Yes. I thought that would be apparent by this point.” I said with a smile.
“Try to behave around royalty.” She said as she watched me grimace “For me?”
“Fine.” I said, defeated.
Dash seemed to notice my unhappiness and flew up and planted a kiss on my cheek in an attempt to lighten me up. It must have worked because I felt a smile betray me. I shook my head as I let my arms fall to my side and I turned towards the door.
“Where are you going?” she asked me as I opened the door.
“I got to whip my recruits into shape for royalty.” I said with a laugh as I attempted to close the door behind me.
Dash kept me from closing the door by stopping it with a hoof.
“I’m coming to. I gotta keep ya in line.” She said.
“We’ll go with that.” I said as I let her out and closed the door behind her “I got to run to my truck for a moment.”
I ran towards my truck as I lowered my sunglasses over my eyes. Dash blasted past me and landed on the hood of the H2. I picked up the pace and skidded to a stop at the passenger side door.
“Show off!” I shot at Dash.
“Don’t get mad at me for being better.” She said as she stuck her tongue out at me.
“If your ego gets any bigger, we’re going to need to build a second house for it.” I said as I opened the door and snagged the 870 from the floor.
I pulled the foregrip back and let a new round be cycled into the chamber. I closed the door and Dash flew about me lazily. I turned and walked towards the camp. The rain finally began to let up as walked over towards the camp. My suit was slightly damp but it wasn’t anything to be worried about. At least until the wind hit later carrying the winter air. I wonder if Rarity ever finished my jacket?
I walked towards the camp and stopped next to the remains of their campfire. The smoke was finally gone and left only a little bit of residual heat. I left the heat warm my legs as I tried to wipe some of the rain off my 870 with my right sleeve. It didn’t really do much other than spread it. I walked over to the tent entrance and stopped. Dash flew next to me and I pushed the tent flap aside with the barrel of my shotgun. They Dallas must have used some sort of spell because there was a small orb of yellow light in the center of the large tent and it emanated a nice bit of heat like an electric heater. I walked along the tent and I could see that most of the attention was surrounding Cadence. Atlanta and Dallas were talking with their backs to me about some sports team back in Canterlot and Youngstown was talking with Cadence about something that I couldn’t quite make out.
I rested the barrel of my new favorite gun against my shoulder and walked up behind Dallas and Atlanta.
“How’s it going boys?” I asked nonchalantly.
The two guards spun round and saluted me.
“Drop it. There is no need to be formal around me anymore. You’ve all earned my respect.” I said as I let the short shotgun fall to my side.
“Sir?” They asked in unison.
“It’s just Twelve-Gauge now.” I said in a friendly voice “I don’t give respect to a lot of people but I’m giving it to you guys.”
“It’s a privilege sir- I mean Twelve-Gauge.” Atlanta said as he dropped his salute.
“Youngstown!” I shouted to grab his attention “Get your ass over here!”
Youngstown muttered something to Cadence before he ran over to his fellow recruits. Cadence and Dash stood behind me as I lifted the shotgun up and let the foregrip land in my right hand.
“I’ve got two more tests for you and then you get my seal of approval.” I said as I watched them let out a sigh of relief “First off, you are going to have to kill a beast of the forest and bring its corpse back as proof.”
I heard a gasp of disbelief from Cadence and I let out a snicker. I craned my head back to her.
“They didn’t tell you what I was training them to do, did they?” I said with a smile.
“What exactly are you training them to do?” She asked with an expression of horror.
“I’m teaching them to not have any mercy on the battlefield. It’ll get you killed in a fuckin’ hurry.” I said as Dash facehooved and Cadence placed a hoof over her muzzle in shock “They are free to leave at any point and the ones who are standing in front of you are still here of their own accord.”
“Please show Cadence some respect General.” Youngstown said from behind me.
“Respect is earned, not given!” I replied “You have until tomorrow morning to finish this task and then Ms. Dash will be here to work on your physical conditioning. Understood?”
“Yes sir, Twelve-Gauge.” Dallas said as he trotted off and pushed the tent flap aside and ran out.
Atlanta nodded at me and ran off in pursuit of Dallas. Youngstown looked like he wanted to fight with me but his honor prevented that. What a shame he hasn’t figured out that that is exactly what I have been wanting him to do. He needed to drop that damn pride before it gets him killed.
“Is there something else Youngstown?” I asked as I poked him with the barrel of my shotgun playfully in an attempt to aggravate him.
“No, sir.” He muttered in an angry tone before running off towards the exit without a goodbye.
“By Celestia, what are you trying to do to him?” Cadence asked in an angry tone.
“Trying to make sure they don’t die in combat. You should be thanking me.” I pointed out as I rested the barrel of my shotgun against my shoulder again.
“What do you mean by that?” Cadence asked, aggravated.
“What I mean is that I am trying to make them into a fighter like me.” I said with my back to her “I come from a city where mercy meant a bullet to the skull. If I can show them how to have a combat mentality like me, they might stand a better chance of surviving.”
“Have you even seen combat?” Cadence asked.
I spun round with a righteous fury evident in my eyes. Cadence took a step back and Dash flew in front of me. She looked into my eyes and placed her hooves on my shoulders. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Dash nodded to me and let go. She flew back down to the ground and landed at my side.
“Have you even read the paper lately?” I asked, suppressing my anger “I stopped a changeling invasion by myself. I have a kill count somewhere in the forties.”
“Oh my.” Cadence said taking a step forward.
“I didn’t ask to train them if that is what you are thinking. Celestia asked me to.” I pointed out.
“I didn’t-“
“Damn right you didn’t! Don’t judge till you have the whole picture!” I exclaimed as I walked over to the tent flap.
“Sorry Princess.” Dash said before taking off after me.
I stepped outside and walked towards my H2. I was still angry but I figured a drive might do some good. I walked along before Dash flew in front of me.
“Where do you think you’re going?” She said stopping me.
“To check on Remington and see if Rarity is done with my jacket.” I said as I tried to calm myself.
“What was with you back there?” She asked worrying about me.
“Have I ever told you how much I hate monarchies?” I asked “It was bad enough when I had to answer to two princesses and now I have to answer to another? And she is going to doubt my methods? Fuck that!” I said trying to keep my voice down.
“That is no excuse!”
“I know, but it would be like my recruits talking down to you. You would be the exact same way.” I pointed out.
“That’s different.”
“No it isn’t. Royalty needs to earn respect before they can question me just like everyone else.”
“Just try to be civil, please.” She asked with puppy dog eyes.
“I would blow you off if you were anyone else, you know that?” I said as Cadence popped out from the tent.
“Is everything alright?” She asked in a concerned tone.
“Yeah, I was just leaving for town.” I replied before I turned to Dash “Do you want to come with me?”
“I can’t.” she said “I’ve got to meet up with Pinkie.”
“Ok, have fun with that.” I said as I walked back to the H2 “I’ll see ya later Cadence.”
I didn’t receive a response as I walked over to the truck and opened the door. I tossed the shotgun into the passenger seat before climbing in and closing the door behind me with an audible metallic slam. I beat my fist against the steering wheel, swearing incoherently for a minute. This was going to get back to Celestia but what was she going to do anyway? Scold me? I was more worried about getting another session from Twilight. It was bad enough that I had to be around her almost every day but add therapy to that and I have a recipe for hyperactive disaster. I stopped beating my fist against the wheel and threw myself into my seat. I rubbed my temples in an attempt to calm myself down. It seemed to work and I placed my left hand on the wheel and let the engine come to life.
I took a little solstice in the familiar rumble of the engine. I reached over to the CD case and opened it up. I flipped through a few pages of CDs before finding something that would match my mood. I grabbed a Metallica CD and pushed it into the radio. I hit the skip button a few times before I fell onto ‘Master of Puppets’. I rolled down my windows and turned the radio up to ear-shattering volume. I shifted into drive and pressed into the gas. I cut the wheel and spun the car around towards the direction of the road. I saw Cadence cover her ears as the noise from the radio hit her. I laughed as peeled out and sped towards the road.
I could definitely feel my mood improving from the music as I sped down the field towards the road. I hit 50mph and in slippery mud, was difficult to maintain. I sped towards the road and felt my tires hit the elevated road, giving me some air as my front tires left the ground. The V8 roared under the hood like an untamed beast as the tires fell back to Earth and slammed with a squeak of the suspension. The Gs made my head roll around until I looked towards the road towards town and cut the wheel. I turned towards the town and sped off as I tires kicked up gravel.
I sped down the gravely road at 60mph as the radio continued to deafen me. I sped along down the road as the song flowed into a calmer section. It let my ears and thoughts recoup for a second as I rolled down the road. I past Applejack’s farm on my way and turned my head to see Applejack and a larger red pony look at me. I just waved as the song picked back up and I barreled towards town. It was nice to be rebellious once in a while.
Town came into view quickly as I slowed down. I let the radio roar alongside the engine as I pulled into town. I watched as ponies would look over at me as the H2 rolled down the street. Rarity’s place came into view as I rolled along. I saw her poke her head out the door as I stopped in front of her place of business. I saw her shake her head in annoyance as I stopped the truck and shifted into park. I let the engine die down and the music along with it.
There was a nice ringing in my ears as I reached across the quiet cabin for my shotgun. I grabbed it by the chrome receiver and opened my door. I climbed out with my shotgun and closed the door behind me. With a snap of my fingers, the windows rolled up and the doors locked by themselves. I walked over to Rarity but felt a tug on my pant leg. Confused, I turned around to see a white unicorn looking up at me. It had neon blue hair and a music note as her mark. It wore a pair of dark shades and seemed energetic to meet me.
“Hello?” I asked as I looked down at it.
“What is that thing?” She asked as she asked as she pointed towards my H2.
“It’s called a S.U.V.” I said not really sure how to answer her question.
“What does that mean?”
“Sport utility vehicle?”
“And it plays music that loud?!” She asked in a tone of excitement.
“Yes but that is only a secondary function.” I pointed out.
“It’s awesome!” She exclaimed “Where can I get one?!”
“I’m afraid there are two things wrong with that question.” I said as I watched her expression turn to a sad one “One, there is only one of them in this world and two, you have no idea how to operate it. Hell, I don’t think you’re even tall enough to reach the peddles!”
“Darn it!” she exclaimed as she hung her head.
“What’s your name?” I asked in a friendly tone.
“Vinyl Scratch, at your service!” She said as she lifted her head.
“I’m Ryan, or more notably, General Laney.” I said.
“Wait,” She said as a memory came back to her “You’re the human that killed all the changelings, right?”
“What other human is there? You can call me Twelve-Gauge by the way.”
“It is so rad to finally meet you!” She exclaimed.
“Thanks, I guess.” I said, feeling better by finally meeting a ‘fan’ of my work.
“Could you show me that… eh… SUV thing?” She asked.
“This one is specifically called a Hummer H2,” I pointed out in smug confidence “and not right now.”
“Why not?!” She asked, obviously desperate to see the H2 in action again.
I wrapped my left hand around the grip of my shotgun and set the barrel on my shoulder again.
“Because I have things I’ve gotta do right now.” I said as I looked over to the door Rarity had left open for me “Tell you what,” I said as I turned my attention to Vinyl again “If you meet me outside of Twilight’s in three hours, I could show you the H2. Is that cool?”
I couldn’t see them but I assumed her eyes must have lit up as she smiled up to me.
“I’ll be there!” She exclaimed as she ran off in the other direction with a jive in her step.
Well, that was… odd, but yet again, what wasn’t in this world? I turned around towards Rarity’s place and walked to it. The sky was still grey as the wind began to blow with chilling efficiency. I stepped inside and found Rarity waiting for me inside with a big box. She was smiling as she hummed a tone while working on a nearby table.
“How’s it goin’?” I asked as the ringing in my ears began to die down.
Rarity looked up at me and gave me a half smile “It was wonderful until you came here in that noise box and interrupted my beauty sleep.”
“Glad I could brighten your day.” I replied with a sarcastic smile.
“Thanks.” She said in an annoyed tone before perking back up “I did finish your coat by the way and I think it will go with your lovely suits.”
“Thanks Rarity.” I said as I walked over to the large box.
I reached into my pocket and grabbed five of my last seven bits and placed them on the table she was working on.
“There is a little something extra in the box as a way to ask for your forgiveness.”
“What do you need my forgiveness for? I’ve got no problem with you.”
“I wanted to say that I am sorry for helping Twilight try and hold you against your will. It was wrong.” She said as she moved a few items around and looked right at me.
“No, she was right unfortunately. I do need to try and be a bit friendlier but the way she tried to do it was wrong. You don’t cage an animal and then expect them to be best friend with you out of nowhere. That’s a good way to get yourself maimed.”
“If you say so, darling.” She said as she smiled at me and got back to work.
I knelt down to the box and found that a string kept the box together. I reached into my suit coat and grabbed my black KA-BAR from its sheath and cut the string off with it. I put the knife back into its place and opened the lid to the box.
“What did Vinyl want?” Rarity asked me, trying to strike up some small talk.
“She wanted me to show her my truck. She seemed to be the only one that liked my music.” I explained as I opened the box and found a long black trench coat.
I set my shotgun down on the floor and lifted the jacket out of the box. I examined it for a moment and spun it around to see my mark displayed on the back. I smiled as I slipped the coat on and stood up. The coat tails stopped at the back of my shins and the coat was rather comfy although rather heavy due to the material it was made out of.
“Nice job. I like how tough it feels. It is almost like a set of armor.”
“I’m glad you like it!” She said as she energetically worked a nearby sewing machine “Take another look in the box.”
I raised an eyebrow behind my sunglasses before looking down and seeing a black hat in the box. I reached down and grabbed it. It seemed to be a fedora with a longer brim. I placed it on my head and adjusted the brim. It was a little snug but it fit nicely none the less.
“Nice.” I said, looking like a regular mobster.
I snagged the shotgun off of the floor and held in by the foregrip. I reached back into my pocket and weighed my options. I was due to be paid tomorrow so I pulled another coin from set it down on the table next to her with the rest of the coins.
“For a job well done.” I said as I turned around and walked back towards the door “I’ll see ya later.”
“Thank your darling.” Rarity said as I stepped outside.
Another gust of wind blew by but was stopped by my new coat. I felt a little more prepared as I walked back to the H2 and opened the door. I stepped inside and set my shotgun across my lap as I closed the door behind me. I was glad to see that no one was holding a grudge. I placed my hands on the radio again and was met with a surge of music.
“FUCK!” I exclaimed as I turned the radio down.
With the radio down, I sat back in my seat and took a relieved breath. I placed my hands back on the wheel and shifted into drive.