“Say….Magnus?” The Emperor began. The red giant in question walked up to him.
“Yes, Father?” He asked, absently flipping through a book.
“Could you bring me that suit of Centurion armor? I want to check something.” The Emperor asked, and Magnus nodded, before walking off to the armory as Twilight entered the Throne Room.
“I wonder what Father wants that old Centurion Armor for? Not like he can wear it or use it, and I doubt he will try to possess it and use it as a body…..” Magnus pondered, reaching the armory. To the left, a massive pile of weapons sat, unorganized since the last time they were touched. To the right was the Centurion armor, standing up in it's armor stand. Magnus floated it over, before noting how heavy it was.
“Is there a body in there or something? I wonder….” Magnus examined the armor more carefully, before noticing a strange switch with the words ‘DO NOT FLIP’ above it. Magnus chuckled. “Well, forbidden knowledge is always my Forte!” He flipped the switch, letting the armor down to the ground as he waited.
It was then that the helmet hissed, before splitting into three pieces and folding into the armor. A familiar face greeted Magnus, with blonde hair and sharp features. Magnus gasped as the person opened his eyes.
“R-roboute?!” He asked. The Primarch of the Ultramarines looked at him for a second, before opening his mouth to speak.
“TRAAAIIITTTOOOOR!!!”
“So, you want my help with preparing this ‘Grand Galloping Gala’ thing for a bunch of stuck-up nobles?” The Emperor repeated what the purple alicorn had asked of him.
“Yeah, pretty much. I'm not all that good at planning these things, even with Celestia helping me.” Twilight confirmed, shifting to her side.
“Just slap a bunch of gold all over the place. Turn the room into gold. Nobles love gold. It is the greatest color to ever exist anyways.” The Emperor suggested.
“What!?” Twilight exclaimed. “We don't have the gold for that! Nor would we waste such a large amount on a single party!”
“Just get that pink pony that sometimes appears in this room. She will handle everything.” The Emperor replied, wishing he could shrug.
“Pinkie Pie? How would she be able to do that?!” Twilight fumed, unsure of what the Emperor was getting at. In fact, her hair was smoking.
“Didn't you say in one of those little stories of yours that she does the impossible, and defies all logic? Just trust me on this.” The Emperor pointed out, and Twilight sighed.
“Fine….. I'll go tell her…..” She muttered, turning around and walking out. “That still doesn't explain how this will help.”
“Look. Sparkleass. Just trust Papa Emperor. I know what I'm doing. Give me a little faith, would ya?” The Emperor stated.
“Fiiiinnee.” She groaned, trotting out the door and closing it behind her.
After a few seconds, The Emperor spoke again.
“ HAHAHAHAHA She is doomed, if what my powers predicted will come true. Now then, where the fuck is Magnus?” The side wall exploded, and two bodies flew out, beating the shit out of each other. “Magnus, what the fuuuuck are you doing to the Centurion? I told you to get the armor, not fight it to the death.”
“That probably would have been -ow!- simple, if fucking Roboute here wasn't in the damn thing!!!!” Magnus growled, blocking another punch from the Centurion.
“What? Roboute? As in, Papa fucking Smurf?” The Emperor asked, confused.
“DIE, TRAITOR!”
“Yep, that's fucking Smurf Boy.”
“Mind -ow! Fuck you Guilliman!- Mind actually helping, Father?!” Magnus growled, blasting Guilliman back with a blast of psychic energy.
“Oh? What's wrong, can't handle a little Ultrasmurf? Poor little fucking bookworm, fine.” The Emperor replied, before smacking Guilliman into a corner with with a psychic fist. A box of psychic energy surrounded him, keeping him immobile. The Ultramarine Primarch growled, trying to break through the barrier.
“Release me, you cursed traitor!” He roared.
“Shut your fucking mouth Guillismurf. Bookworm over here isn't the one putting you in the Time-out Corner.” The Emperor stated, causing Guilliman to stop for a moment, blinking his eyes as he stared at The Emperor.
“F-father? You can speak?” He asked.
“Well no shit smurf-boy. I did just tell you to shut the fuck up.” The Emperor stated, rolling his nonexistent eyes.
“Then Father, aid me in destroying this traitor!” Guilliman said.
“Don't tell me what to fucking do you Smurfy bastard. Magnus here is back from being manipulated by a creepy tentacle Chaos Daemon who offered him drugs.”
“He did not offer me drugs!” Magnus complained.
“To many, power is a drug. Therefore, you took the drugs. Fucking bookworm.”
“I...don't follow.” Guilliman said, completely confused on what was going on.
“Sigh. Fucking smurfs. The short version is that Magnus has seen the error of his ways, and is back with me.”
“Oh…. so, can I please be let out of this cage?” Guilliman asked.
“Well….since you asked nicely.” The barriers vanished, letting Guilliman step back up to full height.
“So wait, what the hell were you doing in the Centurion Armor?! I thought you were on Life Support and on display back on Macragge!” Magnus began, walking up to his brother.
“What, did you really think I'd let those morons put me on fucking display?” Guilliman asked, with a Ultra Chuckle. “No, I swapped myself out with a fake. A bomb, I should mention. Set to detonate when I woke up…..speaking of which….”
MEANWHILE, ON MACRAGGE
“Why is everything on fucking fire?!” Augustus, the Chapter Master, screamed as he looked at the now-on-fire area where they held the Primarch.
“M-my Lord! The Primarch’s body exploded in a cascade of flames!” An Ultramarine shouted.
“He exploded?! How does a Primarch, who has been on Life Support, just randomly explode?!” Augustus roared, stepping towards the Ultramarine who had spoken up.
“I don't know sir! Perhaps we have been infiltrated by Chaos!” The Ultramarine replied.
“Then fucking find the one who did this before I ram my power fist so far up your ass you will explode in a similar fashion!!!” Augustus growled, and the Ultramarine quickly ran away.
“My Chapter Master!” A annoying voice called out. “I believe I have found something!”
“*Ultrasigh* What is it Sicarius?” Augustus asked, walking over to where his eternal torment was holding a piece of the Primarch….wait, what?! “Why the hell are you holding a piece of our Primarch?!”
“Look! It is fake! The Primarch on life support was never our Primarch at all! He wasn't even alive!”
“Let me see that!” Augustus snatched the item out of Sicarius’ hand, before examining it.
“By the God Emperor…. He is right!” Augustus stated.
“I think that, with this discovery, I should be made the new Chapter Master!” Sicarius said. Augustus simply growled, raising his power fist. Sicarius then ran like hell.
“ULTRAMARINES!” Augustus roared into a vox channel, “THE PRIMARCH IS NOT ON MACRAGGE, LIKE WE THOUGHT. HE IS SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE GALAXY. WE SHALL START A CRUSADE TO FIND HIM AND RETURN HIM TO MACRAGGE! GLORY AND HONOR!”
[hr ]
“Are you certain that that is a good idea?” The Emperor asked.
“Oh please, I'm completely certain.” Guilliman shrugged, glancing around. “So, we are on Holy Terra, right?”
“Actually…..” Magnus trailed off as the doors opened, and Twilight walked in.
“Hey, Emperor? How did you know that Pinkie would somehow find enough gold to cover the entire Gala room?” She asked, while Guilliman stared at her.
“Dirty Xenos! Have at thee!” He growled, charging towards Twilight, with a fist raised to cave her skull in. She screamed.
“What the buck?!”
“Sigh.” The Emperor used his powers to backhand Guilliman back into the corner, and the barrier formed again.
“Father! What is the meaning of this?! That is a filthy xeno! By your decree, all xenos must be purged, in the name of humanity!” Guilliman growled.
“For fucks sake Guillifuck. These xenos are not our enemy. They are stupid, ignorant xenos, yes, but they are our fucking hosts you damn blue-balled shittard. They have made no acts of aggression whatsoever. They are the only xenos I would willingly allow to live. Plus, we are underneath their castle. Play nice, or else I will put you in a box and ship you to the Eye of Terror.”
“But...Father….” Guilliman whined. “The Codex Astartes does not support this action.”
“No buts. Do not hurt the stupid equine xeno. And fuck your Codex. Understood?”
“....Fine….” The barrier vanished again.
“Um….Emperor? What was that all about?” Twilight asked, now over her paralyzing fear.
“Just teaching my son some discipline. And some good fucking manners.” The Emperor replied, before turning back to Guilliman. “Now, what do you say?”
“Are you really making me do this, Father?” Guilliman groaned. Then received a psychic smack to the back of his head. “Ow! Fine. I….I'm sorry….filthy fucking xeno…”
“Apology….mostly accepted.” Twilight smiled. “So Emperor, how did you know Pinkie would be able to get all that gold?”
“Because I am the Motherfucking Emperor and I have super powerful foresight abilities and shit.” The Emperor replied.
“.....Of course that's why….” Twilight groaned, hanging her head in disappointment.
“Hey! Don't criticize my Father, you filthy xenos scum!” Guilliman growled, glaring daggers at Twilight.
“You'll get used to it Twilight….now, was there anything else you needed?” Magnus comforted the Alicorn.
“Yes… some mailpony dropped off a box full of letters for you. I have a party to plan. Bye!” Twilight teleported away.
“What did she mean by letters, Father?” Guilliman asked, looking up at the Emperor's Corpse.
“Well, Guillishit, the creatures of this world, and somehow some fucking Tau worshippers, have been sending me questions and shit. I mostly do this so I can teach these fuckers some common fucking sense, and not be so damn trusting of aliens.” The Emperor replied.
“So...Why not just… I don't know, wipe out their capital? That would teach them to not be so damn naive.”
“Because you fucking Smurfy Bastard, do I fucking look like I can do that? I might be the Motherfucking Emperor, but if I try anything, like say, use my powers to see what the fuck these idiotic equines are doing, or get myself a new body, like a fucking Titan, my soul will split up into so many fragments that I won't even exist anymore.” The Emperor stated, giving a psychic glare to the audience. “Now, let's fucking answer some damn questions. Smurf-dick, since you are new, you will read them.”
“What? Oh fine….” Guilliman shifted through the letters, before picking a Navy blue one and opening it.
“Hm….Atlas55, who names their kids that? Anyways, Atlas55 asks….
Dear Emperor,
Have you heard about the Thestrals? The super badass Ponies with Bat Wings that eat meat and blood. lf you have, what's your opinion on them?” Guilliman looked up from the letter. “What the fuck is a pony?”
“Well, Mr. Toilet Seat, a pony is one of the things you just tried to kill. As for the question….” The Emperor started, “I have never heard of these ‘Thestrals’, but they actually somewhat sound fucking cool. I should have Sparkleass bring me one, to see what they are like. Next.”
“Umm….okay...let's see here..” Guilliman dug through the letters, before pulling out another one. “Warsmith Keagan….sounds like some Iron Warrior Traitorous scumbag…. Anyway, they ask…
Dear Corpse Emperor
What did you really think of the Iron Warrior Legion during the Great Crusade?
(P.S Also Imperial Fists suck, Iron warrior's rule)
Sent to you by Warsmith Keagan (Grand Triarch, Warmaster of Equestria and butcher of the Crystal Empire).” Guilliman shook his head. “Fucking called it. So, Father, what do you think?”
“I at first thought they were somewhat decent. A bit too campy, but still decent. Then Fucking Horus happened, and they became a bunch of whiny little campers who were angry at me for some fucking reason. I probably took their artillery away from them. Next.”
“Hm...That Volksblob Guy….seriously, what the fuck is up with these pathetic xenos and naming?!” Guilliman exclaimed.
“They are probably using aliases, you fucking blind Smurf.”
“....anyways, they ask:
My lord, you do realize that normal missiles are nukes? well if you don't the more you know. In fact I'm on a derelict spaceship right now. Please send help…” Guilliman sighed. “Seriously.”
“To the equine population, missiles might as well be nukes. But they aren't. Missiles are missiles, nukes are giant fucking bombs that fuck a lot of shit up. Though I wonder how they got themselves into space….and no, I can't send help. Fucking Throne, remember?”
“Okay then….next question! Iron War….sounds like another Iron Warrior Traitor...anyways, they ask:
Dear Emperor,
I would wish to know what's your standpoint cybertronians or transformers and the hybrid teno-organics or Teno for short. If you don't know what Teno are they are cybertronians that wall in their protoforms were touched by human DNA and became hybrids of human and transformers. They are very powerful and each has a unique special ability that let them doing different tasks. Like talking to machines or reanimating the dead and bring them back to life. As with this letter is something to help keep your mind from getting broad are the 1-13 seasons for red vs blue and a cybertronian divers that let's you watch this and it has wi-fi connection.
From the Iron War.
p.s. I think that a Teno can kill a ultrasmurfs for you. Their crazy OP when puberty hits. They start getting kills on titan like beings then.
p.s.s. Hellsing sends their regards.” Guilliman stared at the paper. “What the fuck is a cybertronian, and who had the bright idea of breeding them with humans? And also, what are they talking about with my Ultramarines?”
“For once we agree on something, Guiltyman. I too do not know what the fuck a cybertronian is, and I do not condone the interspecies breeding. Like, what the fuck. Humanity is pure, and you want to ruin that by breeding with some alien species? Disturbing. Next.”
“Answer my question, Father!” Guilliman ordered.
“Later. Next question.”
“Urgghhh, fine. Deeed22 asks ‘Dear Emperor, Have you ever considered temporary possessing a body to use and what are your thoughts on Uraskar E. Creed?’ I do not know who Creed is. Should I?”
“The first part of the question is simple. If I wanted to, I might have. Stop asking me these fucking questions about possession and titan bodies.” The Emperor stated. “As for the second part, he might be a cheater, but he has his uses.”
“Seriously who the fuck is Creed.”
“You will know in due time, Guillishit.”
“Of course I will. Anyways, Amethyst Blade asks, ‘Dear Emperor. When will there be enough dakka?’ Is this one part Ork or something?”
“When the universe is filled with enough bullets that everything dies, planets explode, and all that's left are bullets, then yes, then there will be enough.”
“Your just ignoring my questions now, aren't you?” Guilliman groaned.
“Yep.”
“Of course you are...when did you become such an asshole?”
“The moment I was put on this fucking Throne.”
“Well anyway, next question…. Iron Comet, what is it with these xenos and iron? Anyway, he asks, ‘I have a question for the next time he answers questions. What us your thought on Cypher? And the Fallen? Particularly those who were Terran Born and we're exiled to Caliban by the Lion and got swept up in Luthor little revolution? Could these long lost 1st Legionaires someday be brought back into the Imperium service? And the Lion, any plans on waking him up to counterbalance the magic using Magnus?’ How the hell did they know about these fucking people?” Guilliman asked, deeply troubled by all this.
“I don't fucking know. Anyways, who the fuck is Cypher, and who the fuck are the Fallen?”
“Well, from what I can remember, they are a bunch of filthy traitors from the Dark Angels Legion that betrayed the Imperium either during, before, or after the Horus Heresy. That's about it.” Guilliman shrugged. “You wouldn't really pardon them, would you?”
“Well. Probably not. I mean, if they fucking wanted to return to my service, they could probably have done it at any fucking time. They'd probably be killed, but with the state of the Imperium, and how Astartes are, they would fucking still walk in and ask to be returned to their duties. If I was able to talk back then, I fucking would have just given them a year or three of community service. As for Lion….how the fuck would I ‘wake him up’ if I don't even know where the fuck he is? And plus, I've got Guillishit over here in case Magnus gets angry. Next fucking question Smurf.”
“Hmm….Emerald Leafeon asks…. Wait, what the fuck is a Leafeon?”
“Like hell I'd know.”
“Anyways, they ask, ‘Dear Emperor, Who is the pony that you like the best? Or to put it simply, who is best pony? -Emeraldleafeon.’ father, your not really going to answer such a horrible question, are you?” Guilliman looked up at the Emperor.
“This question is pointless, since it all goes down to opinion, but I will answer anyways. My favorite pony is fucking Magnus.”
“Wait, Magnus is a fucking xeno?!”
“Calm the Smurfy Tits, Grumpy. Magnus at first didn't have enough energy to keep his human form, and the laws of this world turned him into a pony until he got his strength back.”
“I….guess that makes sense?” Guilliman said, still unsure.
“Good. Next fucking question.”
“Um….’The….Spanish Inquisition asks… or, more like declares, ‘Dear Emperor and Celestia,
NOPONY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Signed the SPANISH INQUISITION.’ …..These xenos are all idiots….”
“No one expects it except me. Because I got crazy prophet powers and awesome shit. Now, stop spamming my mail. Next.”
“Delta238 asks….’Dear Emperor of Mankind, Would you want the Space Wolves on planet with you? From, a secret pyromaniac, Delta238.’ Well Father, your thoughts?”
“No, I would not. Because Magnus will get all fucking pissed about them and go on a tantrum. Plus, they are a bit too furry.”
“Right…. Anyways, The Almighty Being 0, who sounds like a guy with a huge ego, asks….’you can do many things but fighting chuck Norris is not one of them and batman, because he's BATMAN!.’ Again, these fucking xenos are incredibly stupid with their questions.”
“Chuck Norris was pretty much my only biological son during that age. I could still kick his ass ten ways from the Eye of Terror. And Batman was a fucking cool guy, but was too obsessed with bats. And I could easily fucking kill him. I could simply make his head explode. Guillidick, after this, your on filter duty. You get to filter out all the fucking spam that I am getting. Understand?”
“Father, I'm not a fucking invalid.”
“And yet your Ultrasmurfs are, and they have your genetic fucking code in them. Next question.”
“But-! But I- rrrgghhh...fine, next question it is.” Guilliman pulled out a new and machine-ish looking letter. “Um….The Inactive Techpriest Eh asks…’Dear Emperor
In relation to you saying that the AdMech is ok, I now want snuggles. Will you give me the snuggles?’” He looked up at The Emperor. “Wha?”
“If I could, I'd give you your fucking snuggles. But I am stuck to this throne. And I would probably accidentally crush you. Sigh. Next question.”
“Sentinel053 asks….’Dear Emperor,
Why hasn't the Mechanicus reverse engineered any of the alien technology humanity has encountered? Wouldn't it help to restart the advancement of humanity’s current level of technology? P.S do you know where I can get a Baneblade every store I go to never have any. Your loyal follower.’ I can answer that one actually. Because it's fucking xenos technology, and it is inferior to the craftsmanship of humankind.”
“Actually, it's because everyone is so fucking steeped in religious bullshit that they consider alien tech heretical and shit. Next.”
“Ugh… oh, it seems like that's all of them. For now at least.” Guilliman pulled up an empty box.
“Oh. I was nearing my headache limit anyways. Go play around with Magnus for a little while, I need to concentrate for a bit.”
“Alright Father, if you insist…” Guilliman walked away.
“Good. Now I can finally finish that fucking game.”