//------------------------------//
// Kinda Sorta Maybe 'Canon' Funeral For an Evil Dorito 
// Story: PONY POV SERIES SEASON 8: FINALE! 
// by Alex Warlorn 
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'Here goes the bag of doritos into the bowl. Oh wait, they're ranch flavor, snap, and there we go, nacho cheese flavor. Let's just have one for a snack, OW! Sorry me, I couldn't help myself. Well mind your manners, now put the chip back. Okay.' 

"Are we really doing this father?" Blank Diamond said without emotion. "I don't even know who you're doing this wake for."

'He was a VERY VERY fun friend of mine. He started out as a 2-D nothing, but rose to the ranks of becoming a true being of power in the dream realm! He even once managed to swindle Morning Star out of the last pizza slice at our teenage prep rally as his date! We spent trillions of years betting on who could out-do each other on the most fun stuff! We were true kindred spirits... of course if we were ever in the same universe we'd have to destroy each other as rival supreme lords of the universe, but that's just business.'

"And you both agreed on that?"

'Of course! What's the point in having a kindred spirit and not being up-front with them that you intend to destroy them if they ever become your rival?'

"..."

'Besides, we were both lovers of the fine art of chaos, us lying to one another and me not giving him a wake would be PREDICTABLE...Hey hey hey, you crazy ponies!'

"Yes, Fruit Titan Discord?" asked several mad ponies wearing black mourning garb.

'You're wearing black! This is a CHAOTIC wake! Wear purple and yellow plaid mourning garb!'

"Uh, we're wearing tye-dyed!" Sleepy Skies defended. 

'Hmm...okay, you hippy ponies are good.'

"Dude, why are we even here?" Flax Seed asked looking around, "We, dude, didn't even know the guy."

"It would be rude to refuse dear," said Wheat Grass to her husband. The various hippies ponies being not driven insane by Discord's magic. 

"Plus free food," said Tofu. 

'Ugh, 'why' this and 'why' that. I officially outlaw the asking of why I did something!'

"Father, you already outlawed laws."

'Oh...right…Then I hereby declare it extremely rude to ask me why I did something!'

"How can you outlaw anything? Aren't Princesses Animatia Erroria and Liza Doolots the honorary sacred, properly correct, but-in-no-way-overbearing acting guardians of Equestria's liberties?" May Flowers asked innocently. 

'Because those two believe morals are the restraining, annoying things they are, so they didn't question it. Besides, we're in Chaos Land, and I am chaos, therefore Chaos Land might as well be part of me.'

"...So we're standing in you?"

'One way of looking at it.'

Then Flax Seed asked. "But isn't the World Tower the embodiment of all that is and the heart of the world dude?"

Discord gave an annoyed growl. 'Yes, and me, the 'Princesses', my little Princess, and my cousin all rule it, and my cousin didn't have a will."

"Dude, I thought Queen Celestia and Princess Luna ruled it, you're just poor and misunderstood from everypony didn't understand all your games before, dude." 

'...If you stop talking, I'll give you your own reality bubble that embodies the hippy subculture.'

"You already declared us supreme viceroys of the heart land Equestria," Wheat Grass said. "And Queen Celestia was okay with it." 

'...The answer to all questions you may have towards me is Chaos, moving on.'

"But that wasn't a question." 

'...Okay, simple solution. Snap. There, here's a Mini-Discord, direct any confusion about Equestria towards him from now on. Can we get back to my chaotic wake now?'

"The sooner it's over," Blank Diamond said not trying to hide her disinterest. 

"And who are you cute little Princess?" May Flowers asked.

"I'm she whose true name must not be spoken until my final hour. I am the howling wind within the hearts of all ponies who discover there is no answer. I am the expression of your darkest lament at the futility of existence." 

The blue hippie pony didn't stop smiling. "You'd really like my cousin. She can make a spot for you at her next poetry recital." 

Discord cleared his throat and looked at the signature guest book. 'Ugh! His Henchmaniacs didn't even decide to show up! I sent them invites!...Oh, wait they replied to the invites…'Imprisoned in the Nightmare Realm for all eternity, can't make it.' Well that's just rude!'

"Your first mother never once told you she loved you?" Wheat Grass asked amazed. The micro-Discord sobbed and nodded. 

'Princess!'

A blast from Blank Diamond's horn vaporized the micro-Discord. 

'And this is why I don't make Extensions!'

"I thought you didn't do that because you had a gigantic ego," Blank Diamond replied, completely emotionless.

'That's true. Ugh, why can't I keep control of one chaotic wake?!'

"Because it's a chaotic wake?"

'...Point taken.'

May Flowers said, "Tree Hugger's going to be sorry she missed this. There! I finished lighting all the incense!"  

'Good good, thank you! Now we can maybe actually get started. Everypony please put on your 4-D Glasses and mad ponies begin playing the music.' 

May Flower gasped behind the 4-D Glasses. "Whao, dude...I can like see time."

Wheat Grass said, "I'm pretty sure this is a STEP DOWN from how Tree Hugger sees the universe."

"Or a step sideways," Sleepy Skies said. 

'Yes, yes, it's amazing. Reminds me of limited the third dimension is compared to the Spirit World. Now...'

Half the mad ponies began humming 'Here Comes the Bride' through their noses which strangely sounded like trumphets. The other half started playing 'Happy Birthday to You' on bagpipes. One played an actual furneral durge on a kazoo backwards.

Wheat Grass meanwhile let out a graceful warble between ringing a small bell. 

Blank Diamond's horn glowed and the stained glass Discord on the window became animated and cleared its throat. 'We are gathered here today to remember my triangle shaped adopted-cousin, Bill, who was tragically trapped inside a mind that was being erased then had his weakened form punched into oblivion by an old monkey. At least it was a fate that no one could have predicted. Bill's was a lover of chaos, and detested order. Liberated his second dimensional world from its boring limitations. Truly a polygon after my own heart. I mean sure, his universe tore itself apart at the seems, dooming everything and leaving him trapped in his own decaying dimension, but you can't make a multidimensional omlet without breaking a few eggs, am I right?'

The mad ponies cheered. Blank Diamond didn't react at all. The hippie ponies looked at each other. 

"Does he mean the hatching of the great cosmic egg?" May Flowers asked. 

'He accomplished a great many things in his trillion year long life. Such as being host to the universe's most wild party! Pulling a Kefka and actually succeeding in gaining godly power over the physical world! And vaporizing a baby Time Giant from the future and putting him out of commission for the next thousand years! Oh, and becoming almost as popular with the Shadows Who Watch as yours truly! Almost.'

The mad ponies cheered again.

"Dude...what's a Time Giant?" May Flower asked.

"Maybe, like, a metaphor for how time looms over us all?" Wheat Grass asked.

'But now, we must bid adieu and look forward to the future. Summer can't last forever, unless you hack reality and trap existence in a unending loop rending all accomplishments and increase in power meaningless as the future is forever beyond your reach. But I digress. So long Bill, you will be missed, my one regret is that you don't to experience what it's like being turned to stone for a thousand years in a peaceful orderly zen state.'

Blank Diamond looked up from a TV programming guide that had been lying about. "And he managed to get a emotionally vulnerable little girl with naive world views to doom the world without driving her insane." 

'Yes yes. And her little reality marble was so much fun! Childish wish fulfillment at its finest!'

"Jealous?"

'No, because while I wish you'd be a bit more chaotic you didn't end up helping end me in the end because she realized she didn't like what she got...now if she'd betrayed him for more power, then maybe I'd be jealous. Hint hint young lady! Now, let us say goodbye to Bill. May he rest in...well, not peace, peace is BORING. May he rest in chaos.'

Discord's stained glass image tapped his chin, then snapped his fingers. Blank Diamond made no visible reaction but lifted the bowl of doritos onto a conveyor belt. And the glass stain window began playing Rising Shepard Tone with a kazoo for ten hours compressed into sixty seconds. 

One of the mad ponies had a cremation furnace shaped like a dragon's head crawl out of his mouth at the end of the conveyor belt. The bowl of doritos entered, setting them on fire and melting them, bowl and all. 

The furnace's jaws slammed shut, then burst into flutterflies. The glass window stopped animating when Blank DIamond's horn stopped glowing. Being it was from Discord, it was left frozen while mooning.

'There! Let's dust off our claws/paws. He's not getting any deader, well, deader than deader than dead. Who wants tacos? Your treat of course.' 

"Like, tofu tocos?" May Flower asked. 

'Eh, why not. I was going to have one made of dark matter with every kind of cheese in existence and anti-matter hot sauce. Think I got my taste for that from my brother...now what's the currency again?'

"Rupees."

'Oh yes. Glad to see bits are currently completely meaningless. Until we make them meaningful again when everypony least suspects it!''

"Dude, can salt be the next currency?" Flax Seed asked. 

'Hmm, that would be incredibly irresponsible and potentially cause widespread anarchy and chaos...Sure!'

"Our farm pretty much runs on anarchy anyway. Don't see what the big deal is," Wheat Grass remarked politely. They'd even hosted a purple unicorn with a shooting star cutie mark once who said she loved how equal everypony was at their little commune. 

The group departed revealing the funeral home was actually a giant living pyramid which promptly meowed like a kitten and ate itself.