//------------------------------// // The Last of the Mohawkians: The More Things Change // Story: Awkward Conversations And Other Stories // by No one is home //------------------------------// Opening theme-music is a thing, right? “What the clop are you doing exactly” Diane cocked her head to one side, then to the other as her human companion searched through boxes of cleaning supplies and carefully examined various bottles of varying industrial strength cleaning products. “I’m trying to see if I can find anything useful,” Ki rolled his eyes in irritation. “We’re locked in a broom closet, in a strip club, Charlie,” the pink changeling pointed out helpfully, “what do you expect to find?” “I dunno,” the Mohawked human shrugged, “I've found enough stuff to make mustard gas so far though. So… yay me?” “Don’t get me wrong, Charlie,” Diane shimmied up Ki’s back and poked her head over his shoulder, “I’m as down with gassing a strip club as the next pony, but not while we’re locked in a broom closet in the same strip club. You see the first one is all like, ‘Ha, ha, it’s funny because it’s a senseless act of mass murder’, but the second is just a weird way to commit suicide. And if you’re gonna break up with me via suicide, it had BETTER be auto-erotic asphyxiation, mister!” “Auto-erotic...wait, break up?” Ki suddenly started paying the mare his full attention, “Are we a couple now?” “I’m not going to bite off any of your fingers this time because I’m assuming the Pine Sol fumes are to blame,” she still gave him a painful smack to the back of his head. “Ow!” Ki turned to face Diane, “Cut me some slack Diane. I mean, hell, you spent Jeezac-only-knows how long keeping me tied to a chair, torturing me for my evil alter-ego-would-be-nemesis! That’s when you weren’t grinding on my leg like a cocker spaniel. So, you could say there were some seriously mixed signals.” “Yeah,” the changeling’s face took on a smile that could be described as “dreamy”, were it not for the shark-like teeth that filled her mouth, “Those were good times.” “That was earlier today, Diane,” Ki replied flatly. “Still good times,” the mare insisted, “And, in case you’ve forgotten I also helped you come to terms with the consequences of your failed suicide and ultimately helped you escape from, at best, a lifelong coma dream, and at worst complete nonexistence. So you could at the very least show me some love!” “You’re right Diane,” Ki conceded his defeat, “I owe you a lot… I literally wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.” “That’s so sweet,” the changeling cooed before her voice took on a serious edge, “But, for real, show me some love, I’ve starving here!” -=-=-=-=- “Trust me your majesty,” Discord floated alongside a large changeling queen as they navigated the backstage of the strip club, “Human diplomats are all the rage this year. Practically all the royalty have a human diplomat with a waifu body-guard!” “I have heard rumors of this,” the queen nodded thoughtfully, “But aren’t the humans usually turned into ponies first?” “Well, yes, technically,” the Lord of Chaos waved his hand dismissively, “But, oddly enough, there’s an old equestrian law that lets you turn a human into a pony and use them in creepy breeding experiments if you save their life first… Actually, given recent events, Celestia’s probably gonna be taking that of the books pretty soon.” “So, if I understand correctly,” the Queen arked a single eyebrow, “You’re going to summon a human diplomat for my hive, and in return I give you…” “Shhh,” the draconequus placed a single talon to the changelings lips, drawing an irritated scowl, “Spoilers! And I’ve already summoned them. We just have to let them out of the broom closet.” “Why would you summon them into a broom closet?” the queen's face was a mask of confused annoyance. “Honestly, it was the nearest convenient subliminal wormhole I could find,” Discord shrugged absently, “And here we are!” The door was thrown open, and the changeling queen let out a small shriek and backpedaled quickly before regaining her composure. A monstrously malformed pink changeling was perched like a predator over a prone human male with the human’s entire head impossibly entirely inside it’s mouth. “This totally isn’t what it looks like!” The changeling tried, unsuccessfully, to look innocent as the human gasped for air. “It looks like you were eating that human like a boa constrictor!” The queen trembled in shock. “Oh… then it really isn’t what it looks like,” the changeling wiped a hoof across her head with relief, “We were just making out.” “GodDAMMIT Diane!” the human swore angrily, his mohawked head covered in changeling saliva, “You have GOT to get used to the concept of safe-words!”