//------------------------------//
// A Beginner's Guide to Subpar Conversationalism * 
// Story: Awful Lot of Coffee in Equestria 
// by NorrisThePony 
//------------------------------//

The cafe was busy, but never had any of of the princesses seen it so quiet. Celestia was busy pretending to read a dessert menu, Luna was stirring her coffee and staring into the spinning vortex, and Cadance was tapping a hoof idly on the table. 

“So…” Twilight Sparkle drawled from her seat beside Celestia, glancing first at the solar princess and then looking across at Luna and Cadance, all three sitting in dead silence. “Do you girls just do this every week?” 

“Yeah,” Luna said. “Normally it’s much more interesting.” 

More silence. 

Twilight shuffled uncomfortably. “Uh… good coffee here, right?” 

The other three mumbled their affirmations and spoke no further. 

Somewhere in the diner, a clock was ticking away the hours in an off-hoof way. The sound was deafening to Twilight, only serving to feed the fires of an otherwise awkward silence. 

“No offense, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna eventually said. “But you’re messing up our conversation dynamic.” 

“I… I’m sorry?” Twilight blinked. 

“Luna, there’s no need to be rude!” 

“Well, am I wrong sister?” 

Celestia looked down. “N… no. But still.” 

“Twilight, I think the problem is that you’re new,” Cadance offered, ignoring the bickering sisters. “It’s not your fault, but… well, Luna is right.” 

“About your ‘conversation dynamic?’”

“Indeed,” Luna nodded. “We already have a pre-established balance. Another pony disrupts such a balance.” 

“So, what?” Twilight was dumbfounded. “You’re saying because I decided to show up for coffee with you guys I somehow disrupted some arbitrary, transcendental cosmic conversation balance-scale that probably doesn’t even exist outside of your shameless nitpicking?”

“More or less,” Luna nodded. “Celestia, Cadance and I have a pre-established relationship dynamic. Adding a new variable just disrupts that. You’re a smart mare, think of some science analogy or something.” 

“You know in the sixth Daring Do novel, when she gets those six quirky companions who are obsessed with her and help her save the day despite being brand-new characters, and it completely disrupts the tone of the other five books and makes it feel like a shoehorned way of quickly establishing new characters?” Celestia offered. Metaphors related to books had yet to fail her when it came to explaining things to Twilight. “It’s like that.” 

“First of all, I have no idea what you’re talking about with that Daring Do book,” Twilight blushed awkwardly. “Second of all, it probably wouldn’t seem forced if we actually started up a conversation.” 

“Alright,” Luna waved a hoof. “Shoot.” 

Twilight scratched an ear nervously. “Uh… see any good movies lately?” 

Luna’s response was immediate. “Nope. Nice conversation starter, by the way. Sounds like it came from an instructional book.” 

“It did,” Twilight growled. “I’m not good at small talk. It’s a waste of time.” 

“What about medium talk then?” Cadance offered.

“Alright,” Twilight nodded, and then grinned and cleared her throat;

“Is there such a thing as death? Or is it but a transition to a different sphere of consciousness?”

Cadance, Celestia, and Luna simply stared.

“Medium talk,” Twilight said bluntly. “It was a joke.”  

Cadance, Celestia, and Luna continued to stare.

“Alright,” Twilight groaned. “Maybe we can talk about our weeks. I read a quote once that said that ‘intellectuals discuss ideas, friends discuss events, and idiots discuss people.”’

“A quote that represents a discussion of people,” Luna noted bitterly. “I’m sorry, Twilight. There is no scientific reasoning behind conversation.”

“But you’re the one who said—”

“Look, it just isn’t working, Twilight,” Luna stopped her with a raised hoof. “Conversation just happens, or it does not.” 

“Well, wait...” Twilight said, raising an eyebrow. “Haven’t… haven’t we been having a conversation regardless?” 

Cadance, Celestia, and Luna continued their tradition of responding to Twilight’s remarks with a blank stare. 

“I mean, think about it! We just had a rather interesting conversation about the fact that we could not make conversation.” 

“I’d hardly call it interesting,” Luna replied. 

“More like serviceable, really,” Cadance agreed. “As in, it should sate us until next Tuesday.” 

“Well. Aren’t you girls just a glimmering bundle of starlight,” Twilight grumbled. “Fine. Next time, I’ll wait before trying to force myself into your ‘pre-established dynamic’ or whatever. Personally, I think you’re just being really critical about an issue that isn’t even there.”