//------------------------------//
// Pie Violence 
// Story: I'm Offensive and I Take Offense 
// by Gapeagle 
//------------------------------//

"I can't believe I'm doing this..."

Twilight stood in the middle of Appleloosa. Two Royal Guards flanked her and one blew a trumpet to announce her royal arrival. The sounding trumpet drew hatted ponies out from their taverns, churches, and pubs. Even Sheriff Silverstar came out of his office. With the whole town there and ready to listen to the Princess of Friendship, Twilight began.

"I, Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, am here to inform you our nation's newest proclamation. The use of pies as a defensive or offensive weapon is now prohibited by Equestrian Royalty. Pies counted in this include, apple, cherry, blueberry, coconut cream, lemon, lime, pear, banana, cheese, and strawberry. To anyone who wishes to keep their pies, we must warn you: the Royal Guard will confiscate all weaponized pies. That is all," she finished weakly

A deadly silence followed the order. Twilight could hear her own breathing above the sandy winds. Not a single face was smiling. Not a single pony showed any happy emotions. Gulping in fear, Twilight's hooves rattled nervously and she tried to smile.

"I know you all love your pies so much, but this is for public safety. Pie violence is at an all time high in Equestria. The Royalty have been forced to take pies away to keep Equestrians safe. Banning pies will keep us safe, right? It is our right to keep safe, not have the right to harm another."

There was still silence in the town. Nopony moved. Nopony made a sound. Sweat started to fall down Twilight's temples. She nervously rubbed the back of her neck with her hoof. Her wings shifted uneasily.

"It's like this. Pie violence is bad, right? Well, without pies, how can you have pie violence? It's a valid and simple argument. There are several nations who don't entrust pies to their citizens. They handle it just fine. There's nothing wrong with us joining them."

Now the Appleloosans weren't even blinking. It was like they were haunting statues. Here was an army of earth ponies, simply staring at her. She had offended them. She had roused up some hidden fury in each of them. She was physically shaking now. 

"I...It doesn't take much....Just hand over your pies and we'll discard of them properly. If you fear your protection, the Royal Guard will secure our borders. Only the military should have weapons, right? Right? We all are respectable ponies, right? No one here should disobey the law. Right? Please? Please? Come on, we know you have pies around here. Be good Equestrians and give them up. Please don't hurt me..."

Sheriff Silverstar took a mighty step forward, finally breaking the horrifying silence. "You have some right to take away our means of protection, then we have the right to protect our freedom."

"If you are implying you are going to attack me, I am royalty. I'm the government. I'm the Princess of Friendship, only trying to spread more friendship. It would be wrong to harm anypony. Please be considerate."

"Ya think ya can waltz in here and take our pies?!" Bareburn shouted. "How bold!"

"I love my pies!"

"Me too!"

"Get out of town, ya Royal Pain!"

Twilight was breathing quickly. "I am in no way your enemy. I ask with courtesy. We must stop pie violence."

"We'll show you pie violence!"

"That's a threat against Royalty. Also known as treachery," Twilight said.

"Then call us traitors!" Silverstar huffed. "Because we ain't gonna follow ya rules!"

"I implore you," Twilight stammered. "Please! I am the Princess of Frie-"

POW

POW

POWPOWPOW





After being plastered with pies of every flavor, Twilight slowly walked through her castle's hallways. She had been defeated. Utterly defeated by pies. Her two Royal Guards were now in the hospital, most likely for food allergy poisoning. It had been a terrible day and she was smelling of blueberries...and perhaps cherries.

As she slumped about in defeat, Spike spotted her passing. He poked his head out of a comic book and raised a brow at the princess. She sighed and stopped near him when she noticed that he saw her.

"So, it didn't work, did it?" he asked.

"No," Twilight sighed. "I followed my plans perfectly. Step 1: take away pies from the civilians. Step 2: increase the military. Step 3: take over Equestria and become supreme princess. Step 4: spread friendship throughout the nation via governmental systems and protocols. I didn't even get step 1 done..."

"Wait, you wanted to take over Equestria?" Spike blinked.

"Well of course! And to do that, I must take away the ponies' abilities to fight back. Those darn pies!" she shook her hoof in anger.

Spike got up from where he was sitting and walked over to the alicorn. One long finger swiped up some blue goo and he tasted it. He then nodded in satisfaction.

"Yum! Those Appleloosans sure know how to bake."

"You're not helping, Spike."

"So, how ya gonna take over Equestria now?"

"I think I'll ban cider next...That'll end drunken violence, right?"


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