//------------------------------// // I Think I Smell A Rat // Story: Life in the Fast Lane // by TheAmazingMe //------------------------------// "AAAAH!" Div's yell woke me up, but what actually got my attention is that I was flying. I soared over our sitting area on a collision-course towards the window. Bracing myself for the inevitable crash, I instead smacked the glass pane and slid down. What in all tartarus? Bruiser rushed into the room and to Div's side. "Dad, what's wrong?" "There's a rat!" Div answered. "It was in bed with me!" "Eww. Where is it?" Bruiser asked, looking around uneasily. "I flicked the sheet and it went across the room." Div said. I rolled my eyes. All this over a rat? And did he have to throw me out of bed just so he could kick the rat out too? At the most, he should have woken me up and had me grab it with my magic. We were going to have to have a talk about... "There it is, by the window!" Div shouted, pointing in my direction. Had the rat been on me? Panicked, I looked around to see where it landed. Suddenly, I was engulfed in white. "Got it!" Bruiser announced. "Is a pillowcase really going to hold it?" Div asked. "Is it really necessary to trap me too?" I asked. "Where's daddy? He could grab it in his magic or maybe knock it out." Bru suggested. Where's daddy? Was this some silly game to them? "Very funny, Bruiser, now let me out of the pillowcase and then..." "It's squeaking an awful lot." Bruiser said. "Yeah, 'squeaking,' real funny. Now, let me..." "Life's probably downstairs getting breakfast ready. I don't hear him in the bathroom." "Div, don't encourage him!" I said, irritated. I made to take the pillowcase off of my head. Except, the pillowcase wasn't around my head. Somehow, I'd been completely wrapped up. This had to be a bedsheet, which was really irritating, because these sheets were a total pain to wash./ "Let. Me. Out." I growled. "Ooh, it sounds angry." Bruiser remarked. "You're darn right I'm angry, young stallion. Sogni, this joke is going a little too far..." "Take it into the bathroom. We can keep it trapped in the shower." Div ordered. "Sogni diVolare! I swear if you take my sheet into the bathroom, I am going to..." I felt the sheet being lifted, with me inside. They'd formed a bag around me and in spite of my thrashing around, I couldn't work a hoof free. Suddenly, light and the sensation of falling again. They'd unceremoniously dumped me into the shower area. "Div, I'm going to..." My threat stopped in my throat. I looked up. And I looked up some more. Craning my neck, I looked up even more. "Oh, Luna, mother of the night!" I exclaimed. Bruiser poked his head around the glass door. "It's just sitting there. I think we dazed it." "Bruiser, it's me." I said feebly, looking down at my hoof—no, paw. Four paws in total. I was also now in the possession of a round, pointed snout with many whiskers. Not to mention my long, ropy, bald tail. I felt my beads around my neck and tail still, and unless I was mistaken, I even had a white shirt on. I walked over—well, waddled over. Sitting up on my hind legs I pointed to my shirt and necklace. "Huh, it's the same color as daddy. I think it's even wearing..." Bruiser trailed off and withdrew his head. A rush of whispers flew through the air, although I couldn't make them out. Div's head poked around the door. "Life?" I nodded my head. "How did you—how did this...happen?" I shrugged my little ratty shoulders. "Try and say something." He instructed. I thought for a second. "Your father was a flea-bitten, gelded, thrice-cursed, no good, dirty, rotten, pig-stealing, great-great garbage eater." "I don't know what you said, but that didn't sound flattering." Div said, eyes narrowing on me. "Great, this is beautiful." I moaned. Well, it sounded like moaning to me. I hadn't a clue how I sounded to them. "Come here, daddy." Bruiser said, extending a hoof. Climbing up the tree-trunk-like forelimb, I made my way to his shoulder and hugged his neck. My paws didn't even reach halfway around. Bruiser brought me over to the sink and I got a good look at my rat self. My mane was about the same, black with a shock of white. There was still black around my muzzle, or whatever rats called it. The whiskers were new. My body fur was more of a mix; I had red on my underbelly and forepaws and black on my back and around one eye. Perhaps most surprising was the fact that my bead necklace and tail ornament and my white button up shirt had scaled down with me. "I'm going to kill Runic Phial." I said softly. "It'll be okay, Ly. We'll talk to Ember and Jogger and figure out what happened." Div petted me carefully. I resisted the urge to bite him; it wasn't his fault, after all. "Bru, carefully take your father downstairs. I'll send a message to the City Guard and then we'll have breakfast." Clinging to the paint pony's fur, Bruiser tried to take it easy as I rode his back downstairs. I let out an undignified squeak as he rounded the landing corner a bit too quickly. My rear legs swept sideways and I nearly lost my grip. My scolding tone must have translated, because Bruiser apologized and waited for me to get settled again before continuing. Bruiser let me climb down to the countertop and took a seat on one of the stools. "Can you still use your magic?" I gave it a shot, but couldn't feel any connection to my power. The lack of a horn didn't help. I shook my head. Div came in and walked right by us. I stood on my hind legs to get a better view. He pulled out a cookie sheet and a bag of flour. I thought it was a rather odd time for baking. "Um, dad? Are you gonna bake something?" Bruiser asked. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who thought it was odd. He set the sheet down in front of me and poured some flour into it. "No, we're going to try getting your dad to talk to us." "But he's a rat." Bru pointed out. "And he can write." Div clarified. "Oh!" I said, no doubt making the rodent equivalent of a eureka moment. Div smoothed the flour into a thin layer. "Okay, Life. Let's just test this out. Your rat form might make this a little difficult for you. Not to mention you usually don't write by hoof. So take your time and see what you can do." It was every bit as difficult as Div imagined. Leaning over the cookie sheet only afforded me a small amount of space to work with. Giving up, I stepped onto the tray to make another attempt. After a few tries getting my paws to do what I wanted, I got into the hang of it. Then I turned and accidentally wiped out my work with my tail. I slapped my little ratty forehead with one little ratty paw. "It's okay, Life. You got this. Just mind your tail." Div said encouragingly. After another bout with the writing method, I carefully walked backwards off the cookie sheet and let them inspect my work. Div looked over at me. "'I'm a victim of circumstance?' Really? You've been transformed into a rat and your first message to us is a quote from Curly from the Three Stallions?" I shrugged. Stepping back onto the sheet, I wrote, 'I love you.' Sighing, Div rested his head on a hoof. "I love you too." *** "So, yesterday you went to the Crystal Delicacy and then you went into the Phial and Filly by yourself." Ember said, pausing to glare at Jelly Jogger. "And you helped Runic Phial make some shampoo? That's it?" 'Broke a bottle of blue stuff.' I wrote. "Blue stuff? Can you be more specific?" Div asked. 'Label smeared.' I answered. Well, it seems like the only way to solve this is to go back and have Runic figure out what the blue stuff was. "I'll carry dad." Bruiser offered cheerily. The disadvantage of my size made even normal things incredibly daunting. As we got seated in the carriage, I worked my way up Bruiser's neck and hid under his hat. Even the few feet off the ground on Bruiser's back was starting to get to me. Better to just not see anything. Besides, inside the hat was nice and cozy. I woke up when Bruiser stood up. I'm sure seeing two city guards, a royal guard and a colt with a cowcolt hat on made for a strange sight anyplace. In the Phial and Filly, it must have been downright bizarre. Through the hat, I could hear Ember's voice. "Mr. Phial, we have something you need to see." Bruiser tilted his head and took his hat off. I ended up in the hat on the counter. Looking up at the now massive pegasus, I waved. Runic waved back, confused but intrigued. "Is this a test subject?" Div let out a hollow laugh. "Funny, really. Yes, but at the same time a huge, resounding no." Ember took over again. "It's more of an involuntary situation. You remember a stallion, roughly this coloring, came in yesterday and got a custom shampoo order?" "Sounds familiar. Hm. I think so. Why?" "That's him." Bruiser said, pointing at me. "That's who?" Runic asked, confused. "The rat." Jelly said. "It's a very nice looking rat." Runic said, still unclear on the situation. "He's my dad." Bruiser said. "You're dad's a rat?" Runic asked. "He is now." Bruiser replied. "What was he before?" Runic asked, the reality starting to sink in, by the look on his face. "He was a stallion. Unicorn. Blood dun with black point and muzzle. White and black mane. Black tail. Green eyes. Bought a case of apple, cinnamon and honey shampoo." Div said flatly. Runic finally caught on. "Oh! Yes. I do remember that stallion now. His knowledge on rocks was a little rudimentary but his enthusiasm was certainly more than the average pon—wait." Runic stopped to look at me. "That's him?" He asked, pointing. "Yes." Bruiser, Div, Ember and Jelly all said at once. "Oh." Runic said, looking at me with newfound curiousity. "And this happened, how?" Ember sighed. "We were hoping you could tell us. Mr. Story said that he accidentally broke a bottle of 'blue stuff.' We think whatever was in that bottle made him...a rat." "Can he talk?" Runic asked, then looked at me. "Sorry, can you talk?" I shook my head. Runic tapped his chin. "You can understand us though?" I nodded. "Can you cast magic?" Another head-shake. "Well, as I remember it the label was damaged. But, I should have an inventory list. Each set of shelves has its own list. With a little process of elimination, we should find out what it is." *** "Poison joke." Runic declared finally, waving the list. "Poison? Is he going to be okay?" Div asked, worried. "Well, since he's still alive and kicking. Or scratching, as it were." Runic said jokingly. The joke was met with stony stares. Runic coughed into a hoof. "Yes, I'd say he's going to be fine. As it so happens, Twilight Sparkle insisted that any poison joke sold outside of Ponyville has to come with the recipe for the antidote. It's fascinating, really. Apparently, it was developed by a zebra and..." Runic cut himself off, noting the impatient looks he was getting. "And I have it right over here." *** "I don't know, I think I kinda liked you as a rat." Div said jokingly on the way home. I glared at him. Like always, he was unaffected. "You were quieter." He said cheekily. "I regret not biting you." I said stiffly. "You could bite me now." Div said, offering a forelimb. "Div, not in front of the kid. And the cops." I said, pointing to the three other ponies who were busy looking at anything but us. "Just a nibble?" Div asked, practically shoving his hoof in my face. I acted on instinct. "Okay, too hard. Too hard!" "AAAAH!"