//------------------------------//
// Dempsey in Equestria 
// Story: Of Vodka and Cider 
// by UglyTurnip 
//------------------------------//

The glow of the mystery box illuminated Dempsey's scowling face as it cycled through a diverse collection of weapons. This was his fifteenth time at the mystery box since he struck a deal with Samantha, and each time he walked away with only a growing sense of frustration. He let out a long and agonized sigh as it stopped on the MG42, in all other circumstances a great weapon, but not what he was looking for. He reluctantly took it anyway.

"You know," Dempsey called out to the surrounding air. "For someone who supposedly wants to help me, you sure do have a funny way of showing it!"

Silence. He wasn't surprised, since Samantha hadn't spoken a word since she disappeared. He grunted and cracked his neck. 

"Alright," he muttered quietly. "Let's try this again."

He lazily tapped his foot against the box and watched it cycle through another set of weapons with the same annoyed expression as before. Only this time, it stopped on the DG-2. Dempsey instantly gasped and eagerly snatched it from the box. 

"Finally!" Dempsey exclaimed. "I'm coming, Nikolai!"

"I never knew you could be so hammy, Dempsey," Samantha chuckled from behind.

Dempsey turned around and rolled his eyes again. "What gives, Sam? Why didn't you give me it the first time?"

Samantha shrugged. "What can I say? I was enjoying your frustration. Old habits die hard."

"Whatever, I have it now, that's the important thing," he then turned to a crawler that just entered the area and walked up to it. "And you know what that means, little guy."

The crawler sluggishly swiped at his boots, which Dempsey easily dodged. He brought a foot down on the crawler, crushing its head.

Samantha raised an eyebrow at the mess Dempsey made. "That was a round 20 crawler, and you just crushed it with your boot."

Dempsey turned his head and shrugged. "Hey, all that running we had to do made for a great workout. Now c'mon, we're wasting time as it is."

Samantha nodded. "Yeah, sorry."

"So, what can you tell me about the world you sent Nikolai to?" Dempsey questioned as they walked to Teleporter 1. "Is he on a tropical island full of hot women?"

"What?" Samantha stared at him. "No, no, God no. Actually, I think if I told you where I sent him, you wouldn't believe it."

"And so you're keeping me in suspense about it, huh?"

Samantha gave him a serious stare. "You'd think I'm crazy."

Dempsey scoffed. "That hasn't stopped you before. Those devil dogs were pretty crazy."

Samantha cringed a little as a flashback of Fluffy entered her thoughts. "Can we please change the subject?" She spoke politely, though a hint of anger lingered in her tone.

Dempsey, though confused about Samantha's sudden fear, decided not to test the bounds of her mercy and shook his head. "Sorry. Got off-topic there," he muttered. "So, uh-"

"No need to make pointless small talk," Sam cut him off, gesturing to Teleporter 1. "I think you will find plenty of time for that in the new world."

Dempsey groaned. "Well aren't you a ball of fun."

"I try to be," She quipped. 

Dempsey stepped into the teleporter. "I hate being everybody's pawn. Let's just hope this plan works."

"One more thing before you go," Samantha spoke. "I won't be able to speak with you on the other side. Just remember the plan."

"Got it," Dempsey nodded as he fired the DG-2 in the teleporter. Unfortunately, he forgot about the DG-2's splash damage, and received quite the painful shock in the process. He shrieked like a little girl for a brief second, then returned to normal.

Samantha couldn't hold in her giggles. "That made my day."

"Yeah, whatever," the fried Dempsey grumbled once the pain died down. He glanced upward to see the red lightning flowing freely through the teleporter.

"Wait a minute," Dempsey turned to Sam as a startling realization dawned. "If you can't even speak to me in this other world, how will you retrieve us!?"

Samantha gave a nervous smile. "I'll think of something!" She exclaimed as she drew her hands back and unleashed a powerful burst of magic.

"No, wait!" Dempsey exclaimed. But it was too late. The magic flew through the teleporter, wrapping itself around Dempsey. He struggled to free himself from the hard grip, fear now visible on his face.

"You better not trap me in there!" Dempsey shouted.

"Will you just relax?!" Samantha shouted back. "I'll get you back, I promise."

"I find that difficult to believe," Dempsey rolled his eyes. "What makes you think-"

Samantha telekinetically threw Dempsey against the wall, knocking him out.

"Whew," she sighed with relief as the teleporter vanished in a flash of light. "I thought he'd never shut up. Now for the next part."

She closed her eyes, picturing a lunar lander touching down on the surface of the moon near Griffin Station. She smiled.

"Things are coming full circle, doctor," she whispered venomously. "Did you really think I'd be stupid enough to fall for your grand scheme?"
. . .

Meanwhile, in an alternate timeline.

"Richtofen," A much younger Tank Dempsey broke the silence as they stood on the walls of an old castle blanketed with snow. "I know you're hiding some secrets."

"Secrets?" Young Richtofen questioned with a cock of the head. "Well, I won't lie to you, Dempsey; I am keeping secrets. However, I can assure you that I only wish to secure the better tomorrow I promised about. Killing Old Dempsey is a step, and remember what Samantha said about journeys."

"'Every journey begins with a single step.' Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it before. I'm having a hard time believing it now. The point I'm trying to get across it that you've been avoiding our questions since The Giant," Dempsey reached behind himself and pulled out a KN-44, briefly aiming it at the young scientist. "I think it's time to answer some questions."

Richtofen stared at the barrel of the gun with a calculated frown. "That is a risk you don't want to take."

Before Dempsey could so much as groan at Richtofen, an intense flash of light blinded both of them, followed by the sound of a dying teleported. It was Dempsey that saw him through the blinding light first. His eyes widened and he gasped in shock.

Old Tank Dempsey lied on the ground in front of him, unconscious in a teleporter. The younger Dempsey raised his rifle, prepared to fire.

Suddenly, Old Tank Dempsey shot up up and opened his eyes with a sharp gasp. His very first sight was the barrel of the KN-44. His eyes followed up the gun, and he instantly recognized the wielder as a younger, brown-haired version of himself.

"Well, hello, handsome!" He greeted happily, reaching up to shake the younger Dempsey's hand. "I wasn't expecting Nikolai to be in this kind of universe. Are we all this young and handsome?"

The other Dempsey stepped back as a disgusted grimace spread across his face. Beside him, Richtofen chuckled quietly, obviously amused by the situation.

"W-wha?"

Older Dempsey laughed. "Nah, just messin' with ya," He grinned as he turned to Richtofen. "You, can I ask you something? Are you a crazy assclown like your older self?"

Richtofen smirked. "Well, Dempshey, your older self has a. . . more distinct personality than I remember. It's a shame we have to kill him."

"Yeah, such a-" Old Dempsey's eyes widened. The younger Dempsey pointed the rifle at his head. "Wait, what!?"

"Oops," Samantha's voice echoed. "I accidentally sent you to the canon timeline. One second." 

The younger Dempsey made to squeeze the trigger, but by then it was too late. He and Richtofen were blown back against the wall as lightning once more engulfed the teleporter.  Old Dempsey smirked and gave his younger self a thumbs-up right before he faded in a similar flash of light.

"Well," Young Dempsey began after a long pause. "That was the most awkward experience I've ever had in my entire life."

"Unfortunately, that's not a sentiment that I share. I just wish you would have shot him so we could have skipped the easter egg."

"Easter what?"

"Never mind."

. . .

When the teleporter flashed again, Dempsey instantly caught a strong whiff of fresh air and felt a gentle summer breeze. They were both sensations that he had not had the luxury to experience in a long time. For a brief moment, he did not do anything but sniff at the wonderful scents. They provided a welcome intermission from the stenches of rotten flesh and blood.

Next, Dempsey took a moment to scan his immediate surroundings. He was still inside of the teleporter, but he now found himself on a hill overlooking a small medieval-esque village. To the east, a rising sun brilliantly pierced the horizon. A bird chirped blissfully as it flew by the metallic den. Stepping out, Dempsey noticed an single, abnormally tall mountain to the north. He marveled at it's size, wondering how tall it must have appeared if he stood at the base. 

He suddenly saw a blue blur whip past the mountain. He jumped back, instinctively reaching for a weapon that he did not carry. The cyan streak appeared faster than lightning, performing brilliant acrobatic maneuvers and occasionally zipping past the buildings below. He was colored amazed.

Finally, the blue creature slowed to a mere hover. The figure was too far away to make out, but it appeared to be staring at him. As quick as lightning, it shot towards him, and arrived before his instincts even kicked in.

After that, he was too stunned to even bother. In front of him stood a pony, or more accurately a pegasus. She wore a simple disinterested frown.

"Oh great, another one," She muttered as she rolled her eyes.

"That. Was. . . AWESOME!" Dempsey exclaimed.

For a split-second, Rainbow Dash's face contorted with surprise, but she managed to turn it into a smirk. "Yeah, I get that a lot. What can I do for you?"

But Dempsey was not paying attention. "I'm on drugs," he patted his bewildered face. "I'm talking to a pegasus, and she's not girly for once."

Rainbow Dash snorted. "I wouldn't get your hopes up, dude. Most of the ponies in this town aren't as awesome as me."

"Can I pet your mane?" Dempsey questioned, eyeing Rainbow's tomboyish prismatic locks.

She emphatically shook her head.

"Aw," Dempsey sighed. "Can you at least help me find some-"

"Nikolai, I assume?"

Dempsey blinked. "Yeah. I guess you already know him?"

"You could say that," She replied with a disgusted tone. "Kinda wish I didn't."

"Where is he?" Dempsey asked. "I need to see him."

Rainbow glanced at the valley and then back at Dempsey. "I'm pretty sure he's at Berry Punch's house."

Dempsey paused for a second as the name sank in. "OK," he began as he raised a finger. "First of all, that name is fruitier than Richtofen's personality, and second, I have no idea where it is."

"Oh, yeah," she chuckled awkwardly. "Sorry about that. Just follow me, I'll take you to it."

"Oh!" Dempsey interjected as a childish smile stretched across his face. "Can I ride on your bac-"

Nooooooo. No, no, no."

. . .

"Wake up, Nikolai," Berry softly spoke to the drunk Russian. 

"Hva?" The drunk Russian muttered as a single eyelid fluttered open. "What is it, Berry? Nikolai values his beauty sleep."

She smiled slightly. An unopened bottle of scotch hung loosely in one of her forehooves "It's time for you to get ready for work."

Nikolai's other eye suddenly snapped open. "Work?"

"Yeah. You do carpentry with Rusty Nails, remember?"

"Oh shit," He murmured, struggling to sit up. "I do have a job, don't I? For a while, Nikolai thought he was living in pure unemployed bliss. Thanks for reminding me, Berry."

She handed him the bottle and nodded. "No problem."

"And you made me breakfast!" Nikolai squeed, holding the bottle. With no hesitation, he pulled her into a tight hug. "You know me so well!"

Berry's cheeks burned with the intensity of a forest fire. Somehow, Nikolai didn't notice. "Oh, o-of course! You're my favorite drinking buddy; how could I forget?"

Nikolai effortlessly twisted the cap off of the bottle and took a long swig. "Ohhhhh, yeah," he sighed contently. "Not as good as vodka, but it does job fine. Thank you."

"You better drink that up quickly, I doubt Rusty will take kindly to a drunken employee."

Nikolai stood up and started his way downstairs. "Worry not, Berry. If there's one job Nikolai does quickly, it's drinking."

A knock on the front door echoed throughout the attic, causing Nikolai to pause mid-step. "Visitors at this hour?" He glanced at Berry.

She shrugged. "No clue. Can you deal with them?"

"Da!" He called, making his way to the front door and opening it. "I'll just tell them that I-" he turned to face the door, and instantly stopped talking as he noticed Dempsey standing before him.

"Nikolai?" Berry questioned as she followed him down the stairs. "What's-?"

"Surprised to see me?" Dempsey greeted as if it was little more than a casual visit.

Nikolai dropped the bottle, causing it to shatter into small glass fragments.