"We try to work things out with Blueblood," Twilight said, her voice heavy.
"And you want us to do that with words… and not high-yield explosives," Dan surmised. Twilight gave him a single, solemn nod.
The sisters who enjoyed high-yield explosives threw their hooves up. "Not our department."
Dan considered his options, wondered if he even COULD negotiate with Blueblood. It would be difficult, like dealing with the governor that one time back in his home state. Probably wouldn't be long before things went completely south and Bloomers gave him a reason to decapitate him. He wouldn't even have to instigate it- just let things run their course. But Twilight didn't want violence. She wanted him to be nice, do his best to be civil. He would do it for her, no matter how difficult it was.
"All right," he said, "I'll help. But it's not gonna be easy. Do you have any idea how hard it is to deal with a guy with an ego that huge?"
The room immediately became uncomfortably silent for a moment. Dan realized what he'd asked the moment the words left his mouth.
Chrys raised her hoof. "Do… do you want us to answer that?"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. But at least I didn't rename the whole COUNTRY after myself. Besides, the Republic of Dansylvania still exists in the hearts and minds of people who signed my petition back in L.A."
The changeling queen nodded. "We will pretend to know what that means. Thank you, Dan."
"Right then," Dan spun around to the door and grabbed the handle with determination. "Let's pay the prince a visit."
Stepping outside though, Dan was immediately greeted with the realization of what a horrible prospect that would be. "Oh mai gawd. NNOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Skyscrapers?" Chrys asked. "Okay… someone… someone tell me those weren't always there."
"They weren't," Twilight said, also bewildered. "Yesterday." But they were today. Ponyville, or rather, whatever city had risen up in the past few hours to swallow up Ponyville, was cluttered with tall buildings. Even the small cottages seemed to have grown into larger cottage complexes that stretched down streets. The roads themselves were still dirt and grass but there were traffic signals at every intersection now, dozens of ponies pulling carts or stagecoaches driving up and down them. But the oddest feature about the once-small town was now the fact that-
"EVERYTHING IS BLUE!!" Dan shouted, raging at the city while also recoiling from it. "It's like L.A if the freaking Smurfs movie was still going on!" Fluffle Puff took one sniff of the ground and hissed at the metropolitan architecture that had sprung up across town. "That means we know who EXACTLY is responsible for all of this!" Dan declared.
"Eiffel sixty-five?" Chrys asked.
"No," Dan turned around, balled his fists and threw them high up above his head. "BLUEBLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!"
And that's when he rolled up to greet them all. "Mmmmmm yesssssss?" Prince Blueblood wore a smug grin of satisfaction as he rolled up to the front of the library in a curiously familiar-looking machine.
"Were you waiting for us this whole time?!!" Phoenix quickly asked. "To see what you'd done with… with…"
"With Bluebloodburg?" the prince asked, basking in the shadow of his own ego towering around them in the form of towers. "I must admit, getting around the whole rustic aesthetic this town has was difficult but I do find the results pleasing."
Dan's eyes were fixated on the vehicle Blueblood had ridden in. Nearly speechless, he pointed at the contraption, mouthing words.
"Dan?" Twilight asked. "Are you okay?"
"M-m-m… m-ma ma ma…."
"What?" Blueblood asked. "Do I have something in my nose?"
"MY CHARIOT!!!!" Dan exclaimed.
"Oh, this thing?" Blueblood said, looking down at his platform. "Do you like it? I gave it a complete redesign despite the fact you scratched my beautiful Magic Gear's hoof with it. But, because I am a generous ruler, consider this a gesture of me forgiving our last encounter."
"MY CHARIOT!!!" Dan repeated. "You… you turned it back into a Segway!!"
The prince chuckled to himself, high above the others. "Well, I can't quite take all the credit. I paid for a complete reworking of the frame and this is what they came up with. Do you like the redesign?" Blueblood's remodeling in question was to take Dan's chariot and modify it so it was only for one person yet again. But instead of the chivalrous upswept features, courageous armor, six wheels and wide frame emblazoned with the word JERK on the front, Blueblood had installed a massive, solid gold podium on the front that stretched up about twenty feet in the air. It looked like something someone with a massive inferiority complex would ride to work. And, in fact, it was.
"Redesign? Redesign?!! I'm gonna redesign your face so it's stuck up your-"
"Dan," Twilight put a hoof on his shoulder.
The human turned back to her, whimpering. "My… my chariot."
"We'll get him to fix it, Dan," Twilight assured him. She looked up and around at the current state of Ponyville. "We'll get him to fix everything… somehow."
"So, your… highness," Phoenix said, "what brings you to our humble private property that can in no way be legally modified without the express consent of the owners today?"
"Ahahahaha, relax, dear human. I'm not interested in your little treehouse at the moment."
"Twilight's not marrying you," Dan quickly stated.
"And you're going to have to change all this before the princesses get back," Twilight quickly added.
"Oh, am I?" Blueblood asked coyly. "Well, you see, I actually don't need to marry you to rule Equestria any more," he threw back his mane and winked at her. "You're not the newest princess, Twilight Sparkle. Now begins the reign of Princess Blueblood!"
They were all quiet for a moment, an awkward pause while they all processed this new information. Finally, Chrys looked around and asked, "Anypony else see the problem here?"
"You're a princess now, Blueblood?" Shining asked. "You're not… gonna like, try to turn yourself into a mare now, are you?"
Twilight closed her eyes shut tight. "I'm not gonna picture that in my head… I'm not gonna picture that in my head…" She then pictured just that in her head. She held up a hoof to her mouth. Her cheeks bulged. "I need a bucket! I need a bucket right now!" She turned back into her house, retrieved a metal wash bucket and proceeded to vomit into it.
Spike turned green, held up a claw. "I need a bucket, too!" He joined Twilight in vomiting.
Blueblood frowned at them. "Are you two done?"
Holding Twilight's mane back, Dan shrugged over his shoulder. "Might need a few more buckets, dunno yet."
The prince rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not ACTUALLY going to transform into anything. You see, I'm transgender!"
They all began to look seasick "We're gonna need more buckets! We're gonna need a lot more buckets!" The group dashed into the house, slammed the door behind them and Blueblood frowned again as the sound of hurling came next.
"And people call ME a drama queen," the prince sighed.
The color returned to the group's faces as they assembled outside again.
"So," Shining began, sipping seltzer water, "you were saying you're transgender."
"Yes," Blueblood said. "It was quite simple, really. All I had to do was update my profile on Facebook and select transgender as a preference. And voila… I am now your most regal princess."
"But you're not actually transgender," Cadence said. "Or… or are you?"
The prince chuckled at her. "Cadence, sweetie, I'm obscenely rich, I rule over the entire kingdom and I'm driving through town on a solid gold Segway. You see that skyscraper?"
"Yeah?"
"The big blue one?"
"Yeah…" Cadence said, no longer looking.
"The one with the big letters that say 'BB' on the top?"
"Uh huh…"
"Surrounded by all the dozens of other skyscrapers that are big, blue and have the letters 'BB' on the top?"
"Yes…"
"They were built entirely out of bucks. I'm sorry but right now, I don't have any left to give to you," the prince smiled.
Cadence rolled her eyes. "Jackass…"
"So what is it you want, 'princess'," Dan asked. "And I mean 'princess' in a derogatory way despite the fact you actually want to be a princess."
"Well, I am happy you asked, captain," Blueblood said, casting a sly, narrow-eyed grin his way. "Because I do believe I require your services as a guard."
"Not happening," Dan flatly stated. "I'm all right with Twilight, Wright, Fluffy, Changer, The Boomboom Girls, Shiny, Cady and The Spike."
"Hahaha, "The" Spike?" Spike asked. "Is that my nickname now? I think The Spike can dig this."
"Don't push your luck, kiddo. If you were taller, we'd be using you as a Yoshi," Dan was quick to chastise.
The purple dragon shrugged. "Easy come, easy go."
"I'm with these guys," Dan threw a thumb over his shoulder. "Take a hike, princess."
"I'm afraid I must insist," Blueblood said, still smiling. "Or perhaps I should make some other reassignments to the royal guard. What do you think, Prince Shining? Shall I recall the recently-coronated Flash Sentry back to the capital? I could say the lack of pegasi necessitates his expedient return and immediate assistance to the homeland but oh…. that would break up the happy couple, wouldn't it?" he said, looking at the prince with a sinister stare.
Shining glared back at Blueblood. "You heard about him and Sam, then, I guess."
The white faux-trans-princess nodded. "News travels fast, as they say. And I could very easily separate the newly weds if I wanted to. The safety of Equestria's monarch is priority, after all. Oh well. I'm sure they can cancel the honeymoon."
"Wait!" Twilight raised her hooves. "We'll all be your guards."
Blast Fuse and Blast Powder raised their hooves. "We don't want to be with them any more."
"Quiet!" she shushed them. "No, listen, you want royal guards? Here we are… royals and guards."
The entire group looked anxiously at Twilight. "Twilight, I'm allergic to douchebags. I can't really guard Blueblood," Chrys whispered.
"I'm sure Twilight has a plan," Dan said, looking at his purple mare friend. "You do, right?"
"Kind of," Twilight replied.
"Kind of?"
"Blueblood might be the princess but he only has power while Celestia and Luna are gone," Twilight said, whispering. "There's got to be some rules or something somewhere that we can use to get him off the throne until they get back."
"That might be difficult," Phoenix whispered. "I think that Segway he's on is actually the throne."
"Grrrrrrr," Dan whisper-growled. "Don't remind me. So, we play along and pretend to be his guards until we find something to use against him?"
Twilight nodded. "Phoenix and I can go over the books on it and try to find something we can use against him. Until then, we just have to tolerate him."
"Tolerate him?" Dan looked over his shoulder. Blueblood was once again slow-motion posing as large oscillating fans blew his mane back. "We're gonna need more buckets."
"Do we have a deal…," Shining swallowed, "your majesty?"
"Hmmm," Blueblood considered. "Deal. You shall all be my royal entourage!"
"Hooray…" the group let out a unanimous sarcastic cheer. "Where to first?" Dan asked.
Blueblood rubbed his hooves together. "Oh, I think I have just the activity for all of us…"
And there was much un-rejoicing.