//------------------------------// // Crunchy Bunny // Story: Monty Python's My Little Pony // by moviefreak523 //------------------------------// The royal chariot of Princess Luna lands next to the building that looks like it was made from thousands of very sweet things. She finds this somewhat ironic concerning the reason she is here. "Commander," Luna said, turning to her pegasus driver, who is unhooking himself from the harness. "In concern to the missing report from that yellow pegasus known as Fluttershy in concerns to her pet bunny and dozens of other bunnies, we shall visit her after we are done here." "Very well, Your Majesty," he said. "Do you have the inquiry in question?" Swallowing, he said, "Yes, I do," as he looks his saddleback that is holding this 'inquiry in question." The two enter the premise, where they see a blue, short, and plump earth pony mare. She looks like she getting ready for some sort of delivery. "Oh, my..." the blue mare stops in her tracks as she sees Luna entering the shop. "P-P-Princess Luna! Oh, no! Couldn't this get any worse?" Luna raised her eyebrows in confusion of that remark. "Oh, no, no, no! I didn't mean that, Your Highness!" she said, more sweat now rolling down her face. "Can I get you something to eat? Maybe some nice Discord's Food Cake?" "That won't be necessary. Mrs. Cake, I presume?" "Y-Yes, that me." "I wish to question you and your husband about something." "Oh, forgive me, Princess, but can this wait until later? My husband and I need to get a delivery ready and go in a few minutes." "I'm afraid it cannot. This is a matter of Equestrian security." "Hunny Bunch," a male voice calls out from the back. "Whoever it is, tell them to get the buck out of here! We're busy!" A silence falls over the main room of the shop. Mrs. Cake starts to sweat more profusely. Luna and the commander are giving her indifferent eyes. "Uh...d-d-dear," Mrs. Cake calls into the kitchen. "P-Princess Luna is here!" "I don't care who it is, tell them to get out!" Mrs. Cake gives off a nervous laugh as her two guests continues to look at her. "I apologize for coming in on such short notice," Luna said, do feeling genuinely sorry, "and on such a stressful time." "Oh, thank you for your understanding, Your Highness," she said, bowing down. "However, as I've said, this concerns Equestrian security, so I cannot prolong this any further then necessary." "Well, I don't really understand what's this has to do with us, but I can spare a few minutes to answer some of your questions." "That would be most generous of you," the princess said, smiling as she sits down, which calms the smaller mare more. "So, you and your husband are the sole proprietor of this establishment called 'Sugercube Corner?" "Yes. We've had it for eight years, now." Nodding, Luna continues. "And, I understand that you deliver to all corners of Equestria?" "Oh, yes. Hard to believe that we've made it this far," Mrs. Cake said, feeling very proud. "Well, I wish to say to you that I, personally think, that you and you husband make some the most delicious treats I've ever had." "Oh, you are too kind, Princess." "However, I, also, wish to talk to you about a product from this establishment." "One of our products?" "I believe, yes. Commander?" As if dreading of the moment, the pegasus guard opens the saddlebag and reaches in with his mouth. He pulls out a pink, heart-shape box, with a picture of Ponyville in front of it. "Thank you," she said, grabbing it with her magic. The Commander seems happy to be rid of it. "Is this one of your products; 'The Wonderfully, Decliously, Tasty Cupcakes of Equestria?'" "Oh, that one? Yes, it does come from our shop. But, we only sponsor it." "Sponsor? For who?" "For Pinkie Pie. She's the one who created it." "I see,” She had met this Pinkie Pie before. "Where can I meet her?" "Oh, she lives here." "She is here at this moment?" "No, but she should be here any minute now. She’s supposed to take care of our babies while we are doing our delivery. Speaking of which..." "Well, now that I know who I should be questioning about this, you may continue with what you need to do. Do you mind if we wait here for her?" "Oh, no. Not at all, Your Highness. Can I get you something to eat or drink while you wait?" "None for me, thank you. Commander?" The white pegasus' face looks like it is changing a bit of color. "Commander?" "Oh, um..." He said, look at the small blue mare, who is waiting to make her exit. "I'm good, thank you." Mrs. Cake makes a quick bow and dashes into the kitchen. Inside, they could hear some arguing between the two. "After what I had from that," the Commander whispers to Luna, pointing to the box, "I don't think I want to take my chances with this place." "Well, it's only a matter of time until we find out how bad this really is." 7.8 minutes later... "Why, hello there, Princess." Luna and the Commander turn around and see the pink earth pony bouncing through the entrance. "Ah, Ms. Pie. We meet again." Luna said. "Yep, yep, yep. That's me, alright. And, who is this big guy?" "This is Commander Blade Runner, Head of my personal security." "Ma'am," he said, bowing down a little. "Sooooo," Pinkie Pie said, looking at the Princess. "I just ran into the Cakes on my way here and they said that you wanted to talk to me." "That is correct. I wish to inquire you on this," she said, lifting the box with her magic for Pinkie Pie to see. "Oh!" the pink earth pony cried out, bouncing even more frequently. "Did you came here to congratulate me on making such wonderful and delicious cupcakes and you want to give me a medal for it?" "Uh...I actually wish to talk to you about it. And, it involves some...constructive criticism." "Oh, I get it. Princess Celestia must be teaching you how to troll." Luna looks at her with a very confuse look. "Uh...may I proceed?" "Sure, okay. So, what do you want to 'constructive criticize' about?" "Well, I wish to start off with Number 17, Krispy Kreamy Delight." "Oh, what do you thought of it? Tell me, tell me, tell me!" "I shall put it bluntly; it was extraordinary nasty." "Oh, I guess you can't really please everypony." "Or, anypony in that matter, since I failed to locate a single pony who actually like it." "Okay, maybe it wasn't a kicker as I hoped it would be." "However, unfortunately, I cannot arrest you on that alone." She gently places the cupcake back in its original spot. "Would you like to know what the recipe is?" "I think I rather not." "Good, 'cause it's suppose to be a super duper, double, triple, quadruple, quintuple, extra, secret." "I can't imagine why." "Would you like to know it, anyway?" "Moving on." Luna quickly pulls another cupcake out of the box. This one has some sort of rabbit ears on top of it. She could see that her commander is getting a little green in the face. "Number 3; Crunchy Bunny. Now, besides its...very peculiar name, many ponies that I have talked to that have eaten it, which, I admit, I did not, mention something...'unique' about the taste." "Well, duh." ... "Can you please specify by what you mean by, 'duh?'" "Isn't it obvious?" "Forgive me if I failed to see it." "I made that out of real bunnies!" ... ... ... Luna inadvertently let go of her magical hold of the cupcake, which drops and hits the floor. From the impact, suspicious red liquid flow out onto the floor. "Awwww," Pinkie Pie said, looking sadly at the destroyed treat. "That was a waste of good cupcake." "Forgive, Ms. Pie, but did I hear you correctly when you said that you made this out of real bunnies?" "That's what I said." The Commander's cheeks start to bloat a little as he places his hooves over his mouth to keep it from coming out. I think we just discovered the cause of the missing bunnies, Luna thought. Even so, she still finds this very hard to believe. "But, how could you do this?" "Simple," Pinkie Pie said, still her cheerful self. "First, I asked Applejack to use her rounding up thingy she does with Wynona, her dog, on those cute, fluffy, little bunnies. After getting a whole lot of them, they chase them down into my basement. There, I feed them lots, and lots, and lots of food so they can get real nice and plump. Then, after a couple of days, I would buck them many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many-" "GET ON WITH IT!!!" ... "Oops, sorry. I just never thought how fun it was to say 'many.' Anyways, after I bucked them just a couple more times, their meat gets really, really, really, really, really, really, really-" "Don't. Even. Start." "...Tenderized. Then, I would skin them, steam them, stew them, baked them, and that's how I make my Crunchy Bunny cupcakes. The End." "You do realize that you just described on how you murdered those poor, innocent, little, bunnies?" "Well, how else am I supposed to do it?" "Well, now that we just discovered one half of the mystery, why did you call it 'Crunchy?'" "Simple. I just forgot to take out the bones. Silly me. But, hey, at least it matches with what the cupcake is supposed to be." The Commander's face is turning more green and his cheeks are getting more bloated. "That is may be! But, it's still a bunny! And, in case you haven't noticed, Commander Blade Runner did have one! "Excuse me, You Highness, may I..." "Oh, yes," Luna said, then turning to Pinkie Pie. "Do you have a lavatory in this establishment?" "Up the stairs, to your left, third door on your right." "Thank you," he said, as he flies up the stairs. The sound of a door slamming echoes in the house. "Ms. Pie," Luna said, placing the box down on the floor, "I hate to be the barrier of bad news, but this is just past unacceptable. I mean, ponies are not going to bite into this..." looking disgustingly at the messy treat, "cupcake and expect it to be made from a literal bunny. They would think it was some kind of cute name, in a very peculiar sense. And, you cannot just go out and round up poor, innocent, bunnies and turn them into cupcakes! I mean, how do you even make them look like one? And, not to mention the fact that we are herbivores!" "I was just trying something new." "While I'll give you points for originality, the argument still stands. However, giving that there is no laws of killing, sweet, innocent, fluffy, little bunnies, I'm afraid that we cannot arrest you on that, either. Even though I find this absolutely deplorable." "Well, about Angel Bunny?" "I'll make him an exception. That little $&@#head had it coming, anyway. So, you are free to continue with your endeavors, even though I would highly advice you not to do that. But, for future reference, you should replace the title of 'Crunchy Bunny' with 'Literally, Crunchy, Unboned, Bucked Many Many Many Times, Real, Dead Bunny" followed by, in parentheses, 'I'm not joking.'" "But, what about my sales?" "That's your problem, not mine. Now, on to the next one." Commander Blade Runner slowly walks down the stairs, his face still green with his tongue hanging out. "Number...12, was it, commander?" He nods. "Number 12; Whale's Blubber." The commander's face reverted back to green as his mouth gets ready to release another stream of vomit. He's ready to turn tail back up the stairs. "Um excuse me?" Pinkie Pie said. The commander stops, looking at the pink earth pony. "Can you please not slam the door? The babies are sleeping." He quickly nods and flies back the stairs. They did not hear any door slam. "Must have had that one, too," Pinkie Pie said. Luna clears her throat and continues on, holding a green cupcake, with the top covered in brown frosting. And, it is emitting an odd smell. "I believe it is safe to assume that this is made out of a real whale's blubber?" "Aww, how did you know? That's was suppose to be a secret." Luna looks at her with indifferent looks, now starting to get use to her suspect's antics. "Lucky guess, I suppose." "Well, now that the cat's out of the cupcake, I guess I can tell you what else is in there." "There's more?" "Huh-uh. After the whale on the beach let me borrow his blubber, I went out and got a cupful of sand, sweat from a crab, blood from a seapony, and toenails from a shark." "Sharks have toes?" "They do if you know where to look. Then, after I brought it all back home, I lock them inside a chest, then I lock it with a key, then dug a hole, then bury the key, then built a house on top of the hole where I bury the key, and move the chest inside the house on top of the hole." "What is the purpose of that?" ... ... "I don't really know." "And, if you bury the key in the hole with the house on top, how did you open the chest?" "Well, after I realized how incredibly random with the whole house thing was, even by my standards, I just added the chest to the rest of the ingredients." "So, this cupcake is made out of whale's blubber, sand, sweat of a crab, blood of a seapony, toenails of a shark, and a chest due to your..." stupidity, she wanted to say, but decided against it, "whatever, and, this was the result?" "Yepper-Roonie!" Well, I suppose it is not as bad as the last one, but still... "Um, one last question." "Yes?" "This frosting..." "What about it?" Luna looks at the brown frosting with a confused look, with a hint of disgust. "I can't quite put my hoof on what kind it is, but there is something quite odd about it, judging mainly from the smell." "Oh, I made that out of Dragon Doo Doo." Luna lets out a small scream as her magic, once again, releases the cupcake, letting it drop to the ground. The cupcake opens up, where pieces of whale's blubber, sand, sweat, blood, toenails, and chest spill out onto the floor. "Princess Luna, please stop dropping the cupcakes. It just breaks my heart to see them go to waste." "Ms. Pie, you complained about me dropping the cupcakes, yet you are the one who is using unconventional ingredients such as...Dragon Doo Doo?" "Oh, come on. I'm sure it wasn't that bad." "You mean...you haven't tried this yourself?" "What, you said so yourself that you haven't tried that one yourself." "Still...there is nowhere on this box that mentioned anything about Dragon Doo Doo!" "Sure there is. On the inside of the cover, right where the ingredient list is, it is listed right next to, 'Lemony Goodness.'" Luna did so, and she found that the pink earth pony is right. "I'm afraid that will not be good enough! Right now, every box should have a large, red label on the front reading 'Caution: Dragon Doo Doo!'" "But, if I do that, my sales will plummet faster then one of Rainbow Dash's failed stunts." "Ms. Pie, while I can certainly sympathize your need to innovate, this is just silly. I mean, look around you. Observe the pastries, the cakes, the pies. Why do we enjoy them so much? Because they taste good. And, from what I understand of you, you should know that better then any pony in all of Equestria. But, instead, we get..." a chill ran up her spine. "I mean, what's wrong with the traditional flavors, like vanilla or chocolate? Why, at this very moment, your princess is trying some of those pastries that you call 'Moon Pies,' which I'm sure you have heard of." The commander is now walking down the stairs, his body fatigue with all of the keeling to the porcelain gods. "And, they are certainly not like Number 16; 'Poison Oak, Yay.'" His mouth begins to fill up again with that vile taste as he nears the bottom. "And, Number 34; 'Salamander Supreme.'" Not able to hold it in any longer, he quickly removes his helmet and releases the last of his stomach's contents into it. Luna and Pinkie looks at him with incredulous look as he finishes. "Your Majesty," he said in a very pleading voice as he looks at his princess, 'would you please not name out anymore of those...things?" "Uh, forgive me, commander. If you wish, you may wait outside. I shouldn't be long now." "Thank you, Your Majesty." She points at his helmet-filled vomit. "Um, your..." "Oh, right." He obediently returns the helmet to his head and he walks out of the shop. Luna turns to Pinkie Pie. "I was going to asked him if he would like to have his helmet wash in your sink. Well, never mind." She pulls out another cupcake out of the box, which looks...like any other regular looking cupcake. With is yellow body, white vanilla frosting, and sprinkles on top, it looked rather tasty. "This one, Number 21; Spring Surprise. Now, this looks rather normal, compare to the other cupcakes it vacant with. But, I rather not take any chances with it. Can you please explain to me what this is?" "Oh, that's my personal favorite," Pinkie Pie said, jumping up and down gleefully. "When you bite into it, steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks." The princess's mouth drop to the ground, along with the cupcake she was holding with her magic. The force of the impact was enough for it to activate the two bolts inside, pushed out from the inside of the cupcake. "Is there something wrong with you magic, Your Highness?" Pinkie Pie asked, sounding genuinely worried about her. "Maybe you should go see Twilight. I'm sure she knows some magic that will help fix your magic. That way you would not drop any more tasty treats when you try to eat them." "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR BUCKING MIND?!?" Luna yells. "I did? Do you know where I put it? Can you help me look for it?" "HOW COULD ANYPONY KNOW THAT CUPCAKE WOULD SHOVE TWO BOLTS INTO THEIR CHEEKS!?! NO WONDER THERE WAS HIGH RATE OF PONIES GOING TO THE HOSPITAL LATELY!!" The princess quickly regains her composure, which she starts to cover the box up. "In any case, it was an inadequate description of said cupcake, and, therefore, I must ask you to come with me to Canterlot for a judicial review." Pinkie Pie just shrugged her shoulders and heads towards the door. "Ah, well. It was a fair cop." "And, don't talk to the readers," Luna said, following the pink earth pony out the door, giving it a firm slam. From upstairs, the sound of two babies crying echo throughout the house.