Chapter 7: Pinkie Narrates the Narrator
"The Narrator appeared suddenly to watch me open up shop at Sugarcube Cor-"
Hey! What are you doing?! That's my job!
"Okie dokie lokie!"
Wait a minute...how did you know I was here?
"Hiya Narrator!"
Hi Pinkie. How did you know I was here?!
"My Pinkie senses told me! Twitchy tail, shaky leg, dry cough- AHACK! Yup! Those are Pinkie senses!"
...You uh...you might want to see a doctor.
"My Pinkie senses told me to see a doctor too. But it turns out it was just gas. So whatcha doin' here?!"
I've been narrating Twilight's friends just for a change of pace. So far, my experience has either been boring, back-breaking, or dangerous to my psychological health. But I figured spending time narrating you would be fun.
"Are you kidding?!" gleamed Pinkie. "My middle name is Fun!"
I thought it was Diane.
"That's my maiden middle name!"
That doesn't make any sense.
"Do you wanna help me bake?!"
Yes. What are we baking?
"Ooh, it's a cream cheese chocolate lava cake!" she said with a bit of drool. "I call it 'Creamatoa'!"
Whoa, that sounds amazing. What's the occasion?
"It's for a fancy wedding in Canterlot! The bride and groom are really rich and stuff, so we have to be at the tippity tip top of our game today! This cake is gonna even more delicious than Triple Truffle Tuesday!"
In that case, I don't suppose I can get a copy of that recipe?
"Hmm," Pinkie looked slyly. "If you can be a super duper baking assistant, I just might!"
Alright, let's bake some wedding cake! "Exclaimed the Narrator in an excited tone." You're gonna have to stop doing that.
"Mornin', Pinkie!" Carrot Cake entered the sweet shop, tying his apron on. "Don't worry about the counter today. I'll be handling the customers while you just focus on that wedding cake. It's a big order, Pinkie. I hope you're up to it."
Pinkie stiffened up and gave a hearty salute. "Sergeant Pie is ready for any mission, General Cake!" she said with an excessive amount of determination. "Even if I have to sacrifice every ounce of flour! No matter how many eggs I have to crack! We will serve them cake on the beaches! We will serve them on the-"
"Alright, alright, settle down now," chuckled Mr. Cake. "Just make sure it's ready for tomorrow. Both families of the bride and groom are very particular."
"You got nothing to worry about, Mr. Cake!" said Pinkie. "Especially since I have some friendly help with me today."
"Oh, is Twilight or Applejack helping you?" he asked.
"Nope! He calls himself the Narrator! He's a voice that only Twilight could hear at first, but then our other friends and I started to hear him too! He narrates everything I do and say! Isn't that neato?!"
Mr. Cake stared at Pinkie briefly, despite the fact that he was used to the young mare's brand of random behavior. A bead of sweat appeared on his forehead over the safety of the wedding cake. "Well just don't get too caught up in...conversation." He said nervously. "I'm countin' on you, Pinkie."
"Sir yes sir!" Pinkie gave another salute then marched back into the kitchen. "Right! Right! Right, left, ri- no wait...Front hoof! Back hoof! Left, right- no that's not it."
Just a friendly reminder, nopony believed Twilight when she first started hearing me.
"I believed her!" said Pinkie as she gathered a stack of cooking pans. "I have voices in my head all the time!"
Wait, seriously? I mean I'm not surprised but-
"Yeah! You should totally meet Madame Flour! She's a real riot! Although I'm not sure why she keeps talking about world domination. I saw her pouring over a map of the Crystal Empire and got a little worried." She strapped on an apron and popped a chef's hat on her head. "But enough about that, we got a cake to prepare!"
Shouldn't you wash your hooves first?
"Hey I'm clean! I showered this morning!"
I wouldn't know. So what do you need my help for exactly?
"Well, I'm gonna be doing all the heavy stuff," she explained. "And since this is a wedding cake, there's gonna be a big stack of cakes that will have to be made exactly the same way. All you have to do is keep an eye on the different cakes and ingredients being mixed, and tell me when and where I have to move on. Think ya can handle it?"
Please! Is Princess Celestia white?
"Wow, Narrator, you can't just ask if somepony is white!"
I meant yes!
"Great!" Pinkie already began pouring flour into a few bowls. "Gee, I feel really bad that you won't be able to taste this super delicious cake for yourself."
As long as I get that recipe, I'll be able to make it on my own!
"Sounds like a plan! Now let's get this lava flowin'! Remember, you're my eyes, Goose!"
Goose? "Repeated the Narrator, a bit confused." What did I just say?!
...
Preparation of the anticipated Creamatoa was now underway. Pinkie rushed to and fro across the kitchen preheating ovens and pouring mixes of flour, baking powder, eggs, etc. The way she bustled about from pot to pot and oven to oven almost gave the impression that it was a full restaurant kitchen filled with more than one busy chef. And yet despite her energy, Pinkie made sure to carefully lay out her ingredients, always wanting to giver her scrumptious creations a good balance. Everything needed an equal measure of texture and taste. Of course, that didn't stop her from talking about her day yesterday.
"And then she said 'There's no way you can eat twenty carrots that fast!' And then I totally did! The trick was eating baby carrots! But then I felt kinda sad for eating the baby carrots, because I knew they would never grow up to be regular carrots. But then again, I've never seen baby corn grow up to be regular corn. That's because I never touch baby corn. Yuck! Who puts that in a salad?! Salad's a funny word. Why isn't it just called 'veggie bowl'? I don't think somepony had to invent a whole new word just for that. Heh, but I'm not really one to say that. That last time I ate a vegetable was I think-"
Pinkie! It's been ten minutes!
"Ooh! The chocolate's melted!" Pinkie hurried over to a small pot on a low boil. Inside, a bar of bittersweet chocolate had melted into a nice warm chocolaty mix. She poured the dark chocolate into a bowl under a mixer, letting it meld into the congealing batter. "Thanks pally! I almost missed that one!"
I got your back, chef.
"Hmm, now what design do I want for this yummy masterpiece?" said Pinkie as she poured over a cookbook. "I guess I can go with a poofy cloud shape. But then I would need to double extra whip the cream cheese frosting for that. Ooh! This one is swirly! It kinda reminds me of unicorn magic. Canterlot has unicorns. I wonder what unicorn magic tastes like? Would it be anything like frosting? I could ask Twilight or Rarity. But that would be kinda weird. It would be pretty funny sticking our tongues in the air like-"
First oven is ready!
"On it!" Pinkie literally leaped across the kitchen to a preheating oven and opened the door. In one swift movement, she slid a pan full of cake batter into the oven and left it to bake. "So far, so oh so good!" she watched the batter bake lovingly. "Boy, Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis are gonna be so lucky to taste this mother!"
Wait, the wedding is for Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis? I thought they were already married.
"Weeeeell, they used to be, but now they've gotten back together!" she said. "This is their third marriage! Celebrities, huh?"
Wow, when will it work for them?
"Hopefully when they try this cake!" Pinkie rushed over to another mixing bowl and poured more dark chocolate into it. "Keep up the pace, Narrator! At this point, we'll have this baby ready in just a couple hours!"
I have never been more focused on anything in my entire life! "Said the Narrator in fierce determi-" CREAM CHEESE!
"Right-oh!" Pinkie hurried over to the fridge where the cream cheese frosting had been chilling to a precise temperature. She pulled out a large tub of the frosting and resisted the urge to dip a hoof in and- DON'T! "I wasn't gonna! Jeez!"
"Pinkie, honey!" Cup Cake appeared from the doorway to the front shop. "We need your help out here managing the customers. They're coming in swarms for apple crumbles!"
"What?!" gawked Pinkie. "Why today of all days, Mrs. Cake?"
"Well, ever since we received that overstock yesterday from Sweet Apple Acres, we've been selling apple crumbles like hot cakes, so to speak. I don't know how those farm ponies manage to harvest so many bushels of apples in one day!"
*whistles*
"But what about the Creamatoa?!" frowned Pinkie. "It's the Creamatoa!"
"It won't be long," said Mrs. Cake, exiting a bit frantically. "I just need you to pass out some samples."
Pinkie looked up. "Narrator, keep an eye on the kitchen for me. I am called once again in the line of duty!"
But Pinkie, I don't exactly do manual labor, let alone cook very well.
"Not to worry," she replied. "I have all the ovens and mixers timed perfectly. Just watch and make sure nothing bad happens, like a team of pirate miners digging their way up through the floor to steal the cooking spray!"
...Where on Celestia's green earth do you come up with these thoughts?
"Won't be a moment!" She trotted out of the kitchen.
Oh boy, stuff is happening. The mixers are mixing and the ovens are ovening. The suspense is killing me. Eh, Pinkie's right. There's nothing to worry about. She's a pro at this. It's not like any of the cakes are gonna get ruined while baking...Unless of course...she used too much baking powder. Or not enough granulated sugar! Or almond extract instead of vanilla! Oh my gosh, the cake could explode like a cider keg in a diamond mine! Why did Pinkie have to put pirate miners in my head?! Come at me, you dirt-eating bilge rats!
*slaps self* Get it together, Narrator. You're just obsessing over nothing again. This is supposed to be fun! Besides, if something ever went wrong, I'm sure Pinkie's twitchy tail or whatever will tell her. *sniffs* Ooh! That cake is baking real nice! Just watching that batter take shape is making my mouth water. I can't wait to taste this for myself. The fluffy, moist texture infused with the bittersweet earthiness of dark chocolate. The sweet smooth delight of milk chocolate lava overflowing in a piping hot melted state. The rich sharpness of the frosted cream cheese spread counterbalancing the hearty chocolate flavor. And...what's this? What am I seeing? On the counter! Are those...toppings?! Strawberries?! Blueberry drizzle?! Cocoa shavings?! Sacre bleu! It's a bold introduction to an already perfect combination of tastes! This may just be the most incredible cake ever devised!...Oh, when am I ever gonna get married?!
"I'm back!" said Pinkie.
Gotta go!
"What?! Where are you going?!"
Sorry, Pinkie, I just made myself hungry! You got things taken care of here, right?
"But how am I gonna keep track of all the-"
Great! Be back in a jiffy!...
"Ugh, rookies! Well if the Narrator is gone, then I'll just take his place! How hard can that be?"
...
"Ahem! Tightening the apron around her back, super chef Pinkie Pie braced herself for action! The last oven, with its contents baking soundly inside, gave a loud ding as the cooking time came to an end! It was a sound that put fire in Pinkie's gut, and a look of pride on her face! With a running start, our hero slid over to the oven, threw open the door and gazed upon the magnificence! There it was! The final cake layer! Sitting in its pan and simmering with heat like a sleeping chocolate dragon! Pinkie steadied herself, despite her growing appetite.
Slipping on her chicken-shaped oven mitts, she took the hot pan carefully in her hooves, cradling it like a delicate ancient relic, and placed it on top of the counter with a puff of breath. She then looked over at the five other pans with fresh-baked cake in them, all varying in size. Pinkie focused her attention as she brought over a frosting bag full of hot, melted milk chocolate, just oozing to be consumed! With the skill of surgeon, she plunged the squeezer through the top of each cake, piercing the flaky mold. Slowly, Pinkie squeezed the chocolate lava into the hollow cakes, until they were near bursting at the seams. A full ten minutes passed as she filled each cake. And the action had only just begun!
With the cakes full, Pinkie snapped her hoof over to a spatula dipped in the tub of cream cheese frosting. Like a mighty saber, she raised the spatula up on high and brought it down swiftly! The creamy frosting spread across the first cake like a sugary high tide! The desert warrior glided her handy spatula smoothly over all five cakes, keeping the layers of frosting neat and level. Once the frosting had been lain, then came the designing knife, grazing over the sides in elaborate circular motions, turning the creamy chocolaty confection into a work of art! But our hero's work was not done yet!
Her ammunition of toppings lay in wait! Pinkie swiped another squeeze bag, and with a fighter's pose, she drizzled tangy berry icing around the rims of each cake, drawing snaking patterns on them like a winding fruity river! Next, she took a bowl of diced strawberries in hoof, and dispelled them upon the icinged rims, precisely leaving them with equal space apart. Finally, she tossed a shaker to herself and cascaded a shower of cocoa shavings over the sides, as a final touch to an epic mix of flavors!
Now came the moment of truth. Pinkie stood and closed her eyes in meditation. She let in a deep breath before slowly letting it out again. With a raise of her hoof, and after another moment's pause, she let out a shrieking cry of attack!
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Pinkie unleashed all of her energy into her hoof, bringing it down upon the counter top! From the impending force, all five cakes ascended from their pans, floating through the air in momentary stillness. But then gravity took over as they plummeted back towards the counter. Reacting instantly, Pinkie held up a large silver platter and caught the first, largest layer of cake. Then came the other four, smaller as they came, without even spilling a drop of frosting! Pinkie opened her eyes. The cakes had landed atop each other in perfect symmetry, and the final project towered over her like a holy temple! The deed was done. The cake to end all cakes awaited to be eaten. And our cunning hero Pinkie removed her apron in silent victory..."
*burps* Oh man, I'm mad at myself. All I did was pig out of frosted mini donuts. I'm so gross.
"Where were you?!" blurted Pinkie. "You just missed the whole finale!"
Hey relax, you did just fine without me. Besides, the real finale I want to see is the couple sinking their teeth into that monster. This is like cake history in the making!
"I know, right?!" smiled Pinkie as she jumped in delight. "They're gonna be so happy!"
"Uh, Pinkie?" said Mr. Cake, poking his head in. "Just got a letter from Fancy Pants. Turns out they don't need that cake. They decided instead to just go with a vanilla pound cake. Nothing too over the top. I'm sure you can handle it."
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......Can I still have that recipe?