I'm Offensive and I Take Offense

by Gapeagle


Rules of Nature!

Fluttershy was sitting by a table behind her little cottage. The chickens squawked in the morning light and tried to peck each other's eyes out. This was normal behavior for Fluttershy's murdering psychopathic chickens, so she didn't mind them at all. They would calm down once she gave them their second breakfast.

She gracefully lifted a tea cup to her soft lips and sipped with an elegance that rivaled Rarity. It was such a nice day, so peaceful and away from the growing chaos that was pony civilization. Out here, it was just the rules of nature. Kill or be killed. Could it be any more beautiful?

Fluttershy didn't think so. She smiled and watched Harry the Bear rip open a fish he caught in the nearby stream. His thick claws dug deep into the squirming fish, ripping it apart in literal shreds. How wonderful.

The birds sung their magnificent songs while they swallowed unfortunate bugs and worms whole. There went Mr. Foxxy stealing her hens' eggs again. Of course there was nothing wrong there. The fox needed food and this was how he got it. Oh and there went Elizabeak the Chicken, down for the count. She shouldn't have messed with Charlie the Rooster. That was a mistake.

"This. Is. Fine." The pegasus said aloud.

"And I thought I was sick," Discord grunted from a nearby tree, where he watched the chickens beat the KFC out of each other.

"Oh, they never actually hurt each other," Fluttershy responded in her cute voice. "They just become a little grumpy at times."

Discord looked closer at the knocked out hen. "Fluttershy, my dear, Elizabeak is dead."

"Naw, she's just not moving."

"For a long while..."

"Everything. Is. Fine." Fluttershy repeated.

"If you say so," Discord shrugged. "By the way, where is that pesky rodent?"

"Angel?" Fluttershy looked up at the draconequus."He's still sleeping. You know how he likes to stay in bed in the mornings."

"Hiya Fluttershy!"

From under the table the yellow pegasus was sitting, slithered Pinkie Pie, who bore a wide grin. Fluttershy was a bit surprised by the sudden appearance of the earth pony, but knowing that it was Pinkie Pie, the feeling did not last long.

"Hello Pinkie Pie," came the quiet greeting. "Have you been under my table this whole time?"

"Not this whooollleee time, silly filly!" Pinkie giggled. "That would mean I'd been here since before time itself! No, I've only been here since 2 AM."

"Oh..." Fluttershy blinked.

"So, have ya been preparing?" Pinkie escitdely asked.

"For what?" Fluttershy shrugged.

"Applejack's birthday, of course!" Pinkie clapped her hooves. "It's just seven months away!"

"Oh..." the pegasus moaned. "I forgot to prepare, I'm sorry."

"Well, it's never too late to start! We're gonna need pears, lots of pears."

"But Applejack hates pears-"

"Shush! That's what she wants ya to think," Pinkie brushed her nose against Fluttershy's. "She actually loves them."

"What's makes you believe that?"

"Just a hunch," Pinkie shrugged casually.

Both of them paused as the sounds of a jet engine could be heard above. Of course, it was no jet, but the friendly neighborhood Rainbow Dash. The spectrum streak raced through the air and came to a commanding halt in front of the two ponies. And by "commanding halt" meant what really happened was that she crashed snout-first into the table, knocking it over.

Luckily, Fluttershy knew the rainbow mare enough to have lifted her tea cup off the table before it was sent flying. Both Pinkie and Fluttershy simply looked at Rainbow sitting in the pile of broken table parts. Like usual, Rainbow recovered from the crash with tremendous speed.

"Fluttershy! I came as fast I as could....ow..."

"Ohhhh! What's happening?" Pinkie jumped up and down.

"Starlight's coming over here! I saw her argue with Twilight about somethin' and then she started to trot on the trail to the cottage. I beat her here. So I'm giving ya a warning," Rainbow explained through her panting.

"Starlight Glimmer? Well, what's wrong with her?" Fluttershy asked nicely. "I know she is very different from us, but that doesn't mean we should be mean to her."

"Shy!" Rainbow shook her head. "She turned you into a lesbian one time!"

"She did?" Fluttershy leaned forward. "Huh, I didn't notice..."

"And she's been trying to get Equestria to be against us!" Rainbow continued.

"She is? Well, I hope ponies don't think we're mean..."

"She smacked Featherweight with a bat!" the noisy pegasus squawked.

"Hm," Fluttershy shrugged. "Well, he deserved it. That colt takes pictures of me when I'm bathing in the river. He doesn't know that I know, but I don't tell him anything."

There was no response as the two other ponies and Discord simply looked at the yellow pegasus awkwardly. Fluttershy lowered herself under the three gazes and looked at the floor.

"Did I say something wrong?" she asked apologetically.

"FLUTTERSHY!!!"

"That's Starlight!" Rainbow gasped. "I'll protect you, Shy!"

"No need to, Rainbow, it's fine," Fluttershy said with a calming hoof. "I'll go meet her."

"And I shall get in a nice comfy theater seat to watch the show, hehe," Discord chuckled before dissipated into thin/thick air.

"FLUTTERSHY! ANSWER THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! I AND THE P.A.A.B DEMAND IT!"

Fluttershy peacefully walked around her cottage to the front to see Starlight banging on her small wooden door. The unicorn, like usual, was full of unreasonable anger. As she continued to demand entry, Fluttershy stopped beside her and calmly got her attention.

"Um, Starlight? I'm right here," she said.

"There you are!" Starlight yelled. "It is time for you to pay for your crimes!"

"Crimes? What crimes?"

"Animal abuse and unlawful keeping of wildlife," Starlight explained. "We know you trap poor animals here to be kept until being sold as pets to ponies."

"Yes..."

"And then those poor animals are sent to slaughter houses to be murdered and eaten by murderers!"

"Umm....no?"

Starlight leaned over the now cowaring pegasus. "Oh really?"

"Um, Starlight, ponies don't eat animals..."

"Well some respectable ponies don't! But there are those who eat eggs and milk! The griffons eat steak and the cooked flesh like savages!"

"Um, that's because griffons are omnivores..."

"Omnivore, snobivore! You think you're scientific, huh? Well guess what? PAAB and I know much more about healthy diets than you!"

"PAAB?"

"Ponies Against Animal Abuse."

"Oh..."

Starlight then quieted down and waited for Fluttershy to say something. The pegasus remained silent in the presence of the pink unicorn. This perturbed the unicorn and she waited a couple moments longer.

"Well? What's your defense?"

"Um, I have none. I mean, I do keep animals, but I don't abuse them. They abuse themselves."

"Huh?"

"Oh, well, you can come back and see them, if you want to of course."

"Um, alright? Lead the way?" Both statements came as questions.

Fluttershy smiled and led the grumpy unicorn over to the back of the cottage where the chickens fought and nature just...happened. The pink unicorn was a bit appalled by the amount of animals living around the cottage. After they went through the short fence's gate, she sort of just stood there and watched.

"How have you acquired this many animals?" she suddenly asked.

"Oh, it wasn't hard. Most of them just show up and then live with me," Fluttershy explained.

"Live with you without a choice, I bet," Starlight accused. "You capture them and lock them up!"

"I've never tried to capture any animals..."

"Except at the Grand Galloping Gala..."

"Oh yeah," Fluttershy looked at the ground. "But those were mean and unfriendly animals."

"They were mean and unfriendly because they were caged up like a zoo!" Starlight stomped a hoof. "There are bird cages in your cottage. You keep these poor beings from being free! You abuse them and make them fight each other like they are in an arena. You sick minded individual! How dare you torture these animals."

"Um, I don't torture them at all. You see, they stay with me because I can communicate to them orally."

"Oh, now you're some sort of whisperer, eh? Eh? Well, guess what? Anypony can communicate to them, it's called speaking. They understand me just like they understand you. You think you're so special because you can speak to them huh?"

"Well, my cutie mark allows-"

"I don't give a flying feather....wait..." Starlight tapped her chin, "I can't say that to a pegasus...I don't give an earth pony's hoof....oh...that's racist too....I don't give a tootin' horn about your damn cutie mark!"

"Um, isn't that last phrase...um...you know...racist too?" Fluttershy stammered.

"What? Of course not. Hey! Don't change the subject! You're the one facing an ass whoopin' for your crimes against these poor animals."

"Um, sorry but whooping donkeys is a crime too," Fluttershy commented.

Starlight's eye twitched, but she tried to stand firm. "All that matters here is that you are treating these poor animals with cruelty!"

"Can you prove it?"

Starlight pointed a rude hoof into Fluttershy's chest. "I don't need to prove it. I just need to complain about it and make a petition against you on the internet!"

"Oh, that doesn't seem fair..."

"Fair? What do you know about being fair? Is keeping animals like that, fair?"

"Well, they choose to be-"

"Stop lying!"

Starlight hopped twice in place as she shrieked loudly, making Harry the Bear growl in anger. Both ponies turned to see him scowl his bear scowl at them. The unicorn's eyes widened when he slowly approached them.

"Oh, Harry, she doesn't mean ill," Fluttershy said calmly.

"RAWWGGH!" Harry roared into Starlight's face.

"Ahhhh!" Starlight squealed. In her panic, she levitated a nearby boulder and threw it at the hostile bear. Fluttershy gasped and roughly kicked the bear out of the way of the giant rock. She only had a moment to see the massive boulder come straight for her and the next moment, it embedded itself into the ground, leaving no trace of the pegasus.

"Oh my gosh!" Rainbow screamed. "They killed Fluttershy!"

Pinkie then shook a hoof at the heavens. "You bastards!"

Rainbow then paused and looked at her pink friend. "Who ya talkin' to?"

Pinkie pointed at nothing. "Them."

"Um...guys?" Fluttershy stepped around the boulder. "Starlight missed."

"Look!" Starlight hissed. "You animals are so abused, they want to take their anger out on me. How could you, Fluttershy? How can you be..."

She stopped when she realized Harry was looming over her. He clutched her whole head in his massive paw. Her body squirmed to get free, but the grip on her head was too tight, so nothing worked.

"Help! Somepony help!"

The bear stood on his back legs and threw his front leg back. holding the position of a baseball pitcher, he stepped forward and threw the unicorn into the air and over Ponyville's pathetic skyline. With her screams fading away, he sighed a long sighed and started to sleep on the spot.

"Wow, Harry is pissed," Rainbow said. "Where did he learn to throw so far?"

Fluttershy shrugged. "I teach him a few things sometimes."

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