"And that's when Red Delicious here stripped him of all his armor and pointy thangs!" Applejack winked into the tavern's fire. "Then I made a lasso out of them bandits' rope and tied his limbs up all nice and good. Then we carried his pale keister out to the White River and gave him a butterknife so that he could free himself as soon as he came to... but with just the right amount of time and effort to think over the bad stuff he had done... and I mean like really think."
"Don't forget the bounty," I murmured.
"Oh! Right!" Applejack tilted her head back, smiling. "Then we turned in the bounty to Provolone Whatshisnamecci and got ourself a heapin' bunch of bits! Even got to sell some of them varmints' weapons over at Belethor's for some extra change!" She chortled. "I'd say we're about halfway towards buyin' Red here that purdy work dress she's been eyein' somethin' awful at the back of Belethor's shop."
"Okay, AJ—"
"She's practically been drooling over it. Especially since it's got this white sash in the back—"
"Okay, AJ." I cleared my throat, then waved a hand. "So... uh... there you have it."
Silence. The room was a halo of gawking Nord faces.
"Hmmm." Uthgerd's brow furrowed. "That was a good story, full of fury and merciless execution. Well met."
"Guh!" Sinmir finally stood up, reeling. "My hairy ass it was! It was full of mammoth dung and so are you two!" He teetered in a circle, frowning. "Now someone gimme another—HIC—round of Black-Briar!"
The crowd around us dissipated, Uthgerd included. Applejack sighed, taking off her hat and fanning herself. "Well, I for one thought it was a real whizzbanger. Reckon you just had to be there." He winked at me. "Good thing we was, eh Red?"
"Did you have to mention the dress part though?"
"Huh?"
"I must say, I'm quite enraptured!" Mikael stepped in between the two of us, grinning wildly. "I mean, ever since your friend gallopped in here, Red Delicious, I thought I could make a hit new ballad about the spectacle of a talking cat-horse! But that story! Whew! Let me tell you!"
"Alright, two things, Mikael." I held a pair of fingers up. "Only she gets to call me 'Red Delicious.'"
Applejack slapped her hat back on, chin tilted up. "That's right!"
"Oh. Erm... right." The bard nodded. "A thousand pardons."
"And second..." I fidgeted, gazing at him. "...if you do write a hit song about our adventures..." My snow-blue eyes narrowed. "...do any of us receive any royalties?"
"Errrrrrrrrr..." The Nord drew back, all thumbs.
I sighed, slumping my shoulders. "Guess I should have known better."
"Don't ya fret, Red." Applejack reached up and patted my knee. "You'll buy yerself that purdy dress eventually!"
"AJ, will you please can it about the dress?!"
"Silence, the two of you!" A lavishly dressed patron frowned from the table where he drank. "Can't Olfrid, patron of the great Clan Battle-Born, drink his honeymead ale in peace?! By the Eight!"
"By the Nine!" shouted a voice across the tavern.
Olfrid frowned. "By the Eight!"
A figure in a priest's robe stood up. "By the Nine!"
Olfrid shot to his feet. "By the eight!"
"BY THE NINE!" the priest caterwauled.
"Olfrid! Heimskr!" Hulda hollered from behind the main counter. "With all due respect, sit back down and enjoy your beverages! Leave the shouting to the Greybeards! I didn't have this tavern built on the Throat of the World, did I?!"
Grumbling, the aristocrat and cleric did as they were told.
Hulda sighed and looked my way. "Ru'dehm, for Zenithar's sake..."
"I-I'm sorry, Ms. Hulda." I rushed over, hands clasped together. "I-I didn't mean for that to happen. AJ and I were j-just talking, and suddenly we triggered the Battle of Cryngaine Field in mead form—"
"Relax, child," the innkeeper said. "I already have one hotheaded redguard servant. I can scarcely afford two."
"It's feeling rather nippy today." I bore a nervous smile. "Want some more firewood? I... I could go out and fetch you some more—"
"No, Ru'dehm. I'm good for now. However..." Hulda calmly exhaled. "I do need someone to make a delivery for me."
"Heh..." Applejack trotted up. "That keen to see us skedaddle on out of here, huh?"
The tavern-owner craned her neck to look over the bar. "Erm... no, curious talking horse creature." She looked back at me. "You know Bjorlam? He's the local carriage driver. He usually parks right outside of Whiterun Stables."
"Ohhhhh..." I nodded. "So that's his name."
"Anyways..." Hulda reached behind the counter and produced a miniature leather-bound book. "A traveler from out of Markarth left this here while visiting Whiterun last week. I held onto it, in hopes that he'd return. Turns out a courier showed up a few days ago, asking if there was a way that we could have it delivered back to the original owner. I've had my hands filled with the Bannered Mare, so I haven't found the time. Would you be so kind as to deliver this to Bjorlam outside the city gates? He's already promised to drop it off on his way to Markarth."
"Absolutely, Hulda." I nodded, taking the tiny tome with a smile. "Anything to make your life easier."
"Believe me. Thanks to you two, it already is." She shooed us away. "Now make haste. I promise there'll be some coin in it for you ahead of the next firewood shortage."
"Sure thing." I nodded, tucking the book away into my tunic as I headed for the door. "You can count on us."
"Hey, how's this for a change of pace?" Applejack smiled as she trotted alongside me. Her small legs had to work overtime just to keep up. I learned a while back to not hurry too much or else I'd leave the little pony in the dust. "We're settin' about just to deliver a package! Sure beats beatin' thugs up within an inch of their lives!"
"Yeah, well... you seem to enjoy that part, AJ."
"Eh... when it suits the moment. And right now I'm feelin' up for a jog rather than a dish full of justice." She stifled a chuckling breath. "Besides, I find this chilly weather mighty invigoratin'!"
"Yeah..." I shuddered, already feeling the howling breeze as I reached my soft fingers for the door handle. "Speak for yourself."