//------------------------------//
// Yesterday, at Silent Moons Camp 
// Story: Redguard Delicious:  Housecarl to the Appleborn 
// by shortskirtsandexplosions 
//------------------------------//





"Lookee here," grumbled a grimy Breton specimen strapped in banded leather armor.  He gripped an iron battle axe in two hammy fists.  His surly voice echoed across the craggy walls of a fire-lit mine shaft.  "Looks like we got ourselves a hero."

"Oh... uhm.  Hi there."  I walked to a stop and casually stood before him in studded leather and a bandanna.  "Dig the beard.  Very 'rustic.'  I hear that wood lice is in this season."

"Time to die, hero!" he gluttered, spitting.

"Right.  Before you start swinging..."  My eyes traveled nervously to his frayed loin cloth.  "...anything at me, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to... y'know... leave."

"You picked a bad time to get lost, friend!"

"Look.  Buddy."  I pointed behind me, up the tunnel.  "All of your friends... and I mean FRIEND friends are gone.  Totally gone.  They cleared off after I smacked their skulls with my staff!"

"Die already so I can take your stuff!"

"Okay... so, uh..." I dug the toe of my boot into the gravel floor beneath us.  "...I may have bribed some of them with a few septims.  Point is, there's this bounty... ya see... about this place?  Like... Proventus Avenicci... the... uh... the steward up in Whiterun... you know him?  Anyways, the guy's handing out tons of gold to anyone who rids this dirty hole of criminals and cutthroats.  And I'm talking about septims out the ears.  And... like... who can turn that down, right?!  Certainly nobody with ears and... wait... do Argonians have ears?"

"Gonna rip you open!"

"So, I know that you're sitting here at the dead end of this tunnel as if you're waiting for some sort of drag-out boss fight, but a lot of scabs and bruises can be avoided if you just... I dunno... grabbed Books Two and Four of A Dance In Fire or whatever useless junk you have hidden in that big brown chest over there and took off for Riften or something.  For real, I'm not after your loot or any of the goods that you stole from the honorable citizens of Whiterun Hold.  I just need you to... y'know... clear out, and then I can get the bounty and find the money to buy myself a new dress and—"

"Gonna split your belly like an old woman's purse!"

"Alright, look."  Frowning, I clenched my fists and stood on my toes.  "I've traveled too long and smelled too many foul scents to have it all end with a headbutting contest against a mammoth bearded simpleton with the brain of a mudcrab!"

"Whatcha gonna do? Huh?"  He pounded his leather breastplate and gripped his battleaxe tighter.  "Whatcha gonna do?"

"It's not me you have to be afraid of," I said with a smile.  "I gave you a chance to walk out of this with your fleas intact.  Now, what's it going to be?"

"You'll be so much easier to rob when you're dead..."

"Right.  Have fun scrubbing Sithis' outhouse."  I reached behind my head and drew a thick wooden quarterstaff.  Whistling into the air, I shouted, "Now, AJ!"

The bandit merely snorted.  "Now ain't this a surprise—"  His unblinking eyes reflected an incoming orange phantom.

"Yeeeeeeeee-haaaa!"  Applejack galloped down the tunnel and leapt over my head on tiny horse hooves.  "Let 'er rip, Red!"

"Alley—"  I raised my staff horizontally.

"—OOP!"  Applejack bounced off the wooden pole, spun once, and slammed into the thug's belly with a mighty dropkick.  "Boosh!"

"Ooomf!"  The bandit chief stumbled backwards, slamming into a table and knocking cheese wedges and cabbages to the torch-lit floor.  "Bl-blessed Nocturnal!" he wheezed.

"Oh yeah?!  Try prayin' to a goddess that listens, ya big galoot!"  Then, with a twangy grunt, the mare slammed her knees hard into the Breton's ankle joint.

"Aaaaugh!"  He tripped, did a full cartwheel, then ended up against the wall with his legs obscenely spread.  Blinking, he stumbled back to his feet, unsheathed a dagger, and rushed my freckled buddy.  "Gonna wear those ears for a necklace, freak—!"

With a shower of sparks, the end of my staff knocked his dagger to the floor.  I held the pole to the nape of his neck, forcing him to lean back.

"Give up?" I exhaled.

"Go suck on a mammoth's teat!"

"Right."  I inhaled.  The staff spun between us like a wooden wind, and one last swing uppercutted him across the nose.  He teetered backward, and that's when the end of my stick met his sternum.  I charged, shoving him up against the wall until I had the creep pinned for good.  "Alright, AJ!  Got you a ticket to the finish line!"

"Mighty thanks!"  The little pony hopped over my shoulder.  Then, with otherworldly grace, she galloped up the length of the staff and straight into the bandit's gasping face.  Both of her rear hooves kissed him between the eyes.  "Nighty night!"

And a resounding crack thundered its way up and down the tunnel.