//------------------------------// // Entry #6 // Story: Mamihlapinatapai // by WritingSpirit //------------------------------// Last time. "Oh, and I have a visit with the spa scheduled with Rarity in the evening after that. We're probably gonna take, say an hour? Mark that down." How long ago was that fabled period in which she had inaptly called last time? "Maybe we can arrange the meeting with the Ponyville committee on the day after too. They'll probably just go along with it anyway, so tonight's going to be free for us." Forever and a day? Just a morning ago? It was neither of those, that I'm certain. "Anyway, that's for tomorrow. By the way, I was thinking we might have dinner at one of the restaurants on the higher end. What do you think, Flash?" Last time... we weren't presenting the best sides of ourselves. "Flash? Equestria to Flash?" Both Twilight and I. "Huh?" I snapped out of my reverie. "What is it?" "Gee, Flash, you didn't write any of that down, didn't you?" Princess Twilight grumbled, shaking her head. "Oh well. Guess I'll just make it a mental note then." "Sorry about that, Your Highness," I mumbled, my gaze falling back to the blank parchment before me. "I was... just thinking of something else." Her Royal Highness could only giggle at that. "By the way, you can call me Twilight. I don't mind." "I didn't want to sound disrespectful." Old habits die hard, with this one ingrained into me since day one. It's to be expected when you have a mythril-tongued father whose blood is pumped with the pride and joy of his military heritage, even if he didn't contribute much of it himself. If he heard me saying that out loud, he'd drill me into the ground. However strict he was, he taught me some pretty useful things that many ponies were unfortunate enough to never learn. He was a father I didn't really ask for, albeit one that I needed. Princess Twilight was much like him in that manner, though last time... back on that fateful day and those before it, I didn't realize how important she was to me. For a very good reason. "Trust me, it's okay," she sighed, her smile beginning to secede. "You seem kinda down today. Is something wrong?" "No, nothing," I lied, glancing at the clock on the wall. "So, we were talking about dinner?" "Yes... dinner..." the princess mumbled, though her eyes were telling me a different story. "I was wondering if we could have something more delicate. You know, have something a little more luxurious from time to time. I'm sure you'd die of boredom from eating hay sandwiches every night, wouldn't you? What do you say?" "I don't mind." The weight of her stare became heavier at my response. "Flash, is something bothering you?" she asked. "Nothing's bothering me, what are you talking about?" "For one, you seem a little tense." "I guess maybe it's because I'm exhausted or something." "It's not only today, Flash," the princess replied wearisomely. Her next sentence came after a moment's hesitation. "You've been like this for a while now." "For how long?" my sullen curiosity compelled me to ask. "Maybe ever since you came here." I should've known the princess definitely had a keen eye from the moment I learned how she got me to be her bodyguard. To have the cracks in my facade forked out so easily is unprecedented at best. It's surprising for me to understand that she knew about it all this time, yet refused to do anything about it. Why not, I found myself wondering? She could've asked in the span of three months that I was here, so why now? Was she afraid? Does she think I'm that whimsical, that I'm that sordidly susceptible to the charming words of royalty? I'd be pretty insulted if she actually thought of that. Of course, I gave it the benefit of doubt. "Look, you can tell me if there's something bothering you," Princess Twilight persisted. I offered no reply. "I could sit here and wait all night until you start speaking," she continued, her face showing the first signs of a frown. "Don't worry. I have all the time I need if that's what you wish." "Why me?" The princess raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?" she asked. "You chose me to be your royal bodyguard," I took the first step. "Why did you choose me?" "Because..." a moment of hesitation wedged itself into her words. "Because I thought it's time I needed a royal bodyguard and you were apparently available." "Don't even try to make me believe that," I groused. "Your brother told me." "He what? W-What did he tell you?" "That you liked me." I had expected to see a flustered princess the moment I stepped off the train; that moment came three months later than I anticipated. I was treated to an elusive snapshot of her most unbelievable expressions: first her jaw fell in an audacious display of utter shock, then her brows vehemently curled when the news of her brother's betrayal sank in, before culminating in a finale where she tried to force out a laugh, only to falter at the last minute, leaving her trembling lips parted in a distasteful manner. Looking at her like that should've felt satisfying, though it was anything but. To be honest, it just felt derisively empty. "So you knew all this time, didn't you?" she said with a defeated laugh. "I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. It's not like I've been doing my best to hide it from you anyway." "I still don't understand this. I mean, why me?" Princess Twilight's glance fell; her cracked grace had completely shattered. "Back then, at the Crystal Empire," she began. "When my crown got stolen, I had to go through the Crystal Mirror into another world. While I was looking for it, I sorta met you there. He... I don't know how to say this... every time I looked at him, he just makes me feel all fuzzy inside, you know? When I came back and bumped into you, I just... I just wanted to get to know you more. I just wanted to know who Flash Sentry really was. I... I was..." "You're upset at me." Her eyes quivered, pupils dilated. Then, she let out a trembling sigh. "You'e just not... him. Not the Flash Sentry that I know," she mumbled. "Look, I didn't want to believe it, okay? That's why I thought that tonight's dinner would help and who knows, it probably would, yet you're just being so... so cold and so distant. You're just pushing me away all the time since the moment you came here. You're not even willing to give it a chance, to give me a chance." "I did give you a couple of chances, if you must know. Your Highness, you have to understand that I didn't ask myself to be whisked away just so I can be an experimented in Her Royal Majesty's courtship rituals." "You're an ass," the princess unruly spat, anger undiluted. "I know it's stupid of me to do that, but you didn't have to put it that way." "You weren't being sincere in any way either," I shot back. "You've been lying to me since day one. Just a moment ago, you tried to lie straight to my face." "You said you knew about this from the beginning, didn't you? Why didn't you tell me then?" "Because—" A treasure trove of excuses immediately came to mind. Perhaps I just wanted her to have her fun; perhaps I was afraid of how she'd react to me spoiling the secret; perhaps I wanted her to figure it out for herself for her own good. In the end, they were just what they were: a litany of bland excuses. My father was a vocal critic in the face of excuses: they were merely lies with a whitewashed name, he would say. If he was here and listening to all I had to say, he'd lynch me on the spot. He'd tell me that if you have nothing to say for yourself, then don't even bother to try. They were harsh words to live by; it had only been a matter of time before I discarded them. "You could've told me. You could've left me anytime," she continued haphazardly, ignoring my attempts of responding. "Yet you didn't, Flash. You never did." "Maybe it's because I'm actually taking my job seriously." "As if! You just wanted to spite me!" Twilight snapped with a glower. "You sound ridiculous, you know that? Saying all these things and not ever meaning it!" All semblance of thought went down the drain. "You're ridiculous for taking me in just because you liked somepony else who has the same name as me! Seriously, you never even thought about how I felt and you just went ahead with it! Didn't it ever cross your mind to ask me personally? Didn't you ever think that I might have feelings of my own? No, you didn't! You didn't because you didn't care! You didn't because you're a mess!" "Yes! I'm ridiculous, I'll admit that! I'm a mess! I'm a fucking disaster!" she yelled, her eyes shimmering. "I can't... I can't think straight anymore... I was lonely. I felt lonely. Ever since Spike left on the last dragon migration, I just felt like I was left behind by everypony else. I-It's funny, right? The Princess of Friendship, with all her friends around her, yet she still felt that way? I just... I just wanted somepony to talk to... somepony who would listen. I thought you were the one..." I couldn't bring myself to look into her eyes for a while when she said that. "I thought you were the one..." echoed the princess with a meek shiver. "But you just... you just..." The princess couldn't bring herself to say it; all of the words been translated through her quiet sobs. I sat there, listening to those cries; the transient shrills of a dying star. The world seemed to converge around us, with the darkness between the galaxies wringing around my neck. I wanted to say something, to reach out across the black mass to that star, though I feared it may only do more harm than good. In the end, I did what I could only do best: I watched in total silence as Her Royal Highness cried for the rest of the night. Was it what anypony should've done? Definitely not. We of Equestria were conditioned to help, to put more weight onto our shoulders, to save the world when it needs saving. We were taught that each and every day that we can play our part to better each other's lives, to make everypony's day a happier one. It was given the same resolve as when we were told we could reach for the stars, that one day we will arrive at a world where our dreams will be realized. Knowing all that, it should make sense that I should've comforted Her Royal Highness, that I should've apologized and she would do the same. However, for me, knowing all that poses one question: Was it what anypony would've done? "Mr. Sentry, there were rumors going around that you and Princess Twilight were having some sort of relationship beyond the conventional of a princess and a guard." "That's true." "There were also rumors implying that the relationship wasn't a steady one. Is that also true?" "Yeah, I mean... it had a rocky start—" "You mean we had a rocky start," Melody Mandegloire chastised, crossing her hooves disapprovingly. "Don't make yourself sound detached from the topic right now. You are a key figure of the relationship, Flash. Involve yourself. Make it a lot more personal." "There were a couple of misunderstandings between us," I continued despite feeling sweaty. "We had our arguments, sure, but fortunately for us—" "So you're saying the bridge between you two would've fallen apart if you didn't have a stroke of luck? If you implied that your relationship was that weak to begin with, then no one would be surprised it turned out this way. Fuck fortune's favors, Flash. Stick with a more dependable arsenal now." Pierce was the first of us to tire out, sighing as he picked out a magazine to read. The only other company I could turn to was Thunderlane, who looked like he was ready to be the close second, since Melody was currently out of the question. That mare was pacing around the room as she sorted my brain out, endlessly drilling me with potential questions and tearing me apart whenever she felt a word or two stroke her neck the wrong way. I should've realized there was such a harsh side to her the moment I stepped into her office, though I guess her renowned success around Equestria was enough of an indication already. She was truly a remarkable mare, one that does not hesitate to speak her mind with a voice that commands immediate attention from those in the vicinity. It made me curious as to understand what drove her to become the diligent attorney she was today. That secret ingredient could be of great help to me in the future. "Let's try this again," the attorney sighed. "So, you made a claim that you had no idea what happened on that fateful night." "I guess so, yeah." "Fuck guessing that: you did. It's common knowledge already. Also, ease off the tension and have a little more confidence. Show a little bit more spirit." Yes, Ma'am. "So let me get this story straight," she moved on. "You had no idea what happened that night, even though you're responsible for ensuring her safety as her royal bodyguard." "That's correct." "That's a little too much confidence," she hissed, hoof meeting her forehead. "Stave it off a little. Remember the subject of discussion. You don't want others thinking that you're proud of this. We're here to recover your image, not desecrate it even further." "I know, I know, I'm trying—" "There's no point in trying if you're not focused. Look, you got only one chance when it comes to the real deal, alright? No cuts, no retakes, nothing. Get one impression wrong, whole of Equestria hears it and you'll only be giving them another reason why they should sharpen their pitchforks." "I'm really trying, Melody," I lamented. "Believe me, I am." "You have been trying and getting nowhere for two days already. The interview's happening tomorrow, mister, and at the rate you're going, I'm not surprised if that blows over as well." Of all the threats I had received, that hit the closest to home. By the time I felt confident enough to raise my head, Melody had already stepped outside on one of her frequent smoking breaks. She's a heavyweight when it comes to tobacco; told me it takes her mind off the past. Pierce hinted to me that she had somewhat of a bleak one; something about being cast out due to her albinism. He would know, seeing as he was the one that connected me to her in the first place. They've probably met and worked together on one of his cases; I was too busy spending time with Twilight to catch up. Not that I blame her or loathe her for it, but Her Royal Majesty knows how to take my time away. I really missed that royal blessing of hers; it makes a dull day all the more gratifying. "You think she would wake up?" I turned to Thunderlane, who looked as if he regretted saying that. "She would," I gave my answer, clear as day. "Because she has to?" Some part of me flinched. "She just has to, for her sake," I mumbled, looking away. "I'm beyond saving anyway, from where I stand." "C-Can I tell you something, Flash?" "Sure thing, Lane." "I admire you, you know that?" he began. "I mean, hell, going through all this mess, being called a murderer with Twilight in the hospital like that, and yet you're still going strong. Hell, if Chase was stuck in a coma for five months, I'll admit, I don't know if I'll make it out of the first three weeks. I'd probably not if I had everypony mobbing me like that or sending me all those death threats. Heck, who'd knew how creative ponies can be with those, huh?" I could only smile. "Trust me, you'd be surprised." "It's probably not the most popular opinion around town right now, but it doesn't matter," he continued. "I believe I would also speak for Chase as well when I say this: we're behind you, Flash, no matter what happens." I chuckled at how generically yet softly sincere it was. "Thank you." "Celestia, you're gonna cry over something like that?" Flinching in surprise. I immediately reached my hoof up, the dampness it was met with prompting me to hastily wipe off the tears that had sneakily crept out of my eyes. That, and the fuzzy feeling trickling along my veins weren't helping either. "Heh..." I couldn't help but laugh at myself. "Probably needed to hear that more than I thought I would." "You could've just asked." "Fuck off," I rasped at that reply, the two of us laughing heartily. "But seriously. Thanks." "Hey Flash?! You might want to hear this!" The gregarious tone you'd hear in Pierce Swiftwind was absent in those words. Quickly, Thunderlane and I rushed out, though I had to stop to absorb the looks of distress in both his and Melody's eyes. There was a change in the game, my suspicions concluded. A drastic one, so much so that Melody had brushed past me and headed back into the living room. I turned to the recent addition of the group: a panting, sweaty Rumble, Thunderlane's brother, whose eyes were heavy with purpose, all of which was directed to me. He was the messenger of the aforementioned change; a provider of a pair of volatile words. In a world where I've been a mere listener, those two words came up to me and struck me across the cheek, yet I couldn't deny the fact that it brought an elated smile upon my face. "She's awake!" "When were you planning to tell me this?" The shadow behind the curtain had retained her prudent grace even after being trapped in her long slumber, though this was but only the second time I had seen it flicker as much as it had. I had expected that she may be a little less forgiving for what I've done, but there wasn't a trace of anger in her voice, at least not one that was clear to me. The patting rain beyond the window punctuated the silence that I could only give. I look out beyond the beads on the glass, to the grand, melancholic sight of Luna's moon hanging up there, far from reach and adorned with scarves of gray cirrus. To that, the stars surrounding it stared back at me, fruitlessly awaiting my response. I reeled my gaze back to Twilight, the mare still lying behind the veil that is the hospital cubicle curtain. I wondered what she would make of the moon? She would probably admire it as it is like most others do, or she may share my view of the moon: an ever-poignant fear of the mask lit before me, never showing what truly hides underneath. In short, much like how I'm seeing her right now. Of course, she might still favor the sun; that would make us true opposites at a perpendicular degree. "You know I'll find out eventually, don't you?" "I know." "So why didn't you tell me about it?" "Because I had other things to worry about." I could imagine Twilight would be frowning at that. "What kind of things?" she questioned. I withheld my reply; I didn't want to tell her yet. Not until we were sure with what we had. I could only hope Pierce would quicken things up a little on his end; with all that had gone by behind the scenes, I'd urged him to be, for the sake of everypony. I silently vowed to myself to explain it all to Twilight after it was all said and done, when everything is out in the clear. Until then — and only until then — will I let her know how we had fallen so far. Of course, Twilight Sparkle, being the bright and curious mare she was, does not take a response of silence well. I would know. "Flash, come on, what kind of things?" she began to push. Still, I resisted. "Fine, you want to be the stubborn pony, then be the stubborn pony. We're going to do this again, aren't we? Not telling each other anything until one of us starts to fall apart and we both start shouting at each other." "I'm just trying to protect you." "Then who would protect you?" she rasped with a hinge in her throat. "Didn't you ever think of how I felt when the girls told me about what happened between you and Rainbow Dash?" My teeth painfully sank into my bottom lip. "You're a fucking idiot, you know that?" Twilight quivered. "You knew how bad it would turn out for you. You knew how it would turn out and yet you went because, what, you thought that it was what I wanted? You know what, fuck you, Flash! Fuck you for thinking you know what I wanted! What happened to that Flash who once knew how to speak for himself? What the hell happened to that Flash, huh? The cracked ribs, the broken snout... and what she did... what she did to your hoof..." "It was nothing too serious," I tried in vain to shrug it off. "The doctor said it was only a fracture—" "It was only a— fuck you, Flash Sentry! If she stepped on it a second time, you would've lost it!" I almost jumped when the blades pierced my chest, finally finding fear in the shadow after so many nights. The light flickering from her horn fizzled with a spark, snuffing out for a split second before quickly reigniting itself. Twilight's pants soon became quiet sobs, muffled only by the sheets. Immediately, I stepped forward and reached beyond the veil, wandering up the sheets before finally clutching onto her hoof. My meek glance was cast down onto her sheets as she cried, her strained squeaks and convulsing hiccups gnawing at my chest. I stifled a glance at the moon above, once again scorned by its lunar glare in face of her tears. I couldn't bring myself to apologize, no matter how much I pushed myself to; the best I could do was mourn alongside her. "Flash?" "Hmm?" "I..." Twilight swallowed. "I want the old you back... the old Flash Sentry. Not the one I met beyond the Crystal Mirror, but the one who took his time to learn about me as I learned about him, the Flash Sentry that I'm stuck with... I want him back." "He'll be back," I mumbled. "Once this is all over, he'll be back, I promise." A meager silence fell between us, the two hopefuls waiting to return to their joyful days. Instinctively, my free hoof reached for the curtain and began to draw it back, only to have it snapped short with the arcane force from an adamant princess, who could only give me a pleading look from the niche I had made. It was a look I had been seeing for the many nights that I had tried to fold the veil back, to see the sight that she didn't want the world to see, even though I had seen it on that fateful night. In all honesty, I wanted to oblige to her wills, though I know that the change she desires — the change I desire — must come unanimously. "I'll be back," I uttered the first half of the magic words. "But only if you'll join me." Despite her neverending reluctance, Twilight Sparkle soldiered on and gave a nod. The shadow of a princess, the one that I had been seeing all night, was finally unfurled. As the blinds folded back, my brows furrowed as the Twilight Sparkle of today finally revealed herself to me. She still looked as radiant as before, though one could not ignore the horrific damage that had been done to her graceful veneer. Her lower half was almost completely mummified, what damage there may be concealed by bandages wrapped around her abdomen and both of her rear hooves. A large, stellate scar branched out from the corner of her forehead, with traces of fresh skin slowly coming out among the crusted burgundy patches, streaked in faint yellow pus. It reeked of medicine and hints of iron, though sadly it wasn't the source of her unyielding shame. My gaze fell to her back, my lips trembling as I saw the malformed stump protruding from her spine. It was what was left of her right wing, lost to the events that unfolded that fateful night. The patches of grayed flesh surrounding it bulged a little as Twilight shuffled uncomfortably beneath her sheets, her eyes watering the longer my gaze stuck onto it. I could feel a grim fuzz growing in me, the shivers running up and down my chest threatening to rip a tear out of me. Instead, I held it back, clenching my hoof tighter around hers and forced out a sad excuse of a grin, even as she refused to meet my gaze. "Does it still hurt?" "Not anymore," she whimpered after a moment of silence. "Think I'm getting used to the pain. It's weird... I keep thinking it's still there. Like... I'm feeling it, even though I shouldn't be..." "I'm sorry." "No, just... please don't do this to yourself, Flash." "No! No, I mean it this time," I struggled to remain firm, even though tears were rolling down my cheeks. "I was your royal bodyguard, Twilight. I was supposed to protect you. That was my duty and yet... and yet... I let this happen to you. I did this to you..." Murderer. "I did this to you..." I exhaled, gritting my teeth. "I did this to you... I did this to you... I did this to you..." After such a long time, on a quiet night within the embrace of Twilight Sparkle, I could finally bring myself to cry.