Cassandra journeyed to the human world to help out with the Friendship Games. “I can’t actually compete since I’m not a student,” she explained, “not that that’d actually be a problem.” Principal Celestia happened to be walking by,
“Oh hi new student, do you want to enter the Friendship Games?”
“I’m a pony from another dimension.”
“Is that a no?”
“Say, have you ever wondered why we’ve never met the Earth Twilight before?” asked Rainbow Dash, “why would Twilight the book smart genius not be at the lowest-ranked school in the tri-county area?”
“It’s a mystery” agreed all of them
Meanwhile at Crystal Prep
“I want you to compete in the Frrrrriendship Games, Twilight,” said Principal Cinch.
“Well ok,” said Twilight, “I should be good as long as it doesn’t involve running, jumping, athleticism, physical strength, or generally going outdoors.”
“Cadence, Shining Armour, would you kindly step out of the rrrrroom? I need you to go get a sheet of paper, which is a task that rrrrrequires two people to do. Oh, and do trrry to tidy up after yourselves when you’re done having coitus in the supply closet.” In response to their shocked looks she said, “Dean Cadence, you give blatant prrrrreferential trrreatment to Twilight Sparkle. I prrrresume there must be some rrrrrreason besides her sociable and outgoing perrrsonality. Don’t worry though, I shan’t tell, since to say I made it to the top through completely clean methods would be hypocrrrrrrrritical.” After the blushing pair left, she continued to Twilight, “it does not matter if we win or lose. Howeverrrrrrr, we cannot allow Canterlot High to defeat us.”
“So it does matter if we win?”
“No, I just said it didn’t. Shut up.”
Since they always lost the Friendship Games, no one from Canterlot wanted to be in them. Then Rainbow Dash did a song and they all wanted to be in. The Mane 6 along with Derpy, Lyra, Bonbon, Flash, Nerd, and Recycle Guy got in.
“Screw that” said Cassandra She didn’t like being blunt but they’d brought it on themselves for being stupid. “Fluttershy and Rarity, you have no athletic skills so you’re cut. Applejack and Flash Sentry, you’re just plain useless so you’re cut too. Pinkie, you can stay, but only because there’s a baking contest. The replacements will be the marching band, since they were enthusiastic before Rainbow did her song.” The leader of the marching band was so happy that she gave Cassandra some practice kissing. However, Celestia and Luna ignored her advice and went with the original picks.
The Crystal Prep students came, and the girls were all bitches to Twilight Sparkle. Lemon Zest thought she was being nice by sharing her music, so she wasn’t as bad.
“It seems excessive to bus in the entire school just for an event where only 12 students do anything, and half of them barely do anything, and most of the games aren’t watched by an audience," said Sugarcoat,
Twilight bumped into Flash who said “hey Twilight, it’s nice to see you again.”
“Huh? Who are you?” asked Twilight, putting her glasses back on.
“I’m Flash Sentry, don’t you remember?”
“No,” said Twilight, “I think I would remember someone like you. Now get out of my sight, you stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white... uhh... guilt... white-guilt, milquetoast... piece of human garbage.”
“Aww,” moaned Flash.
“It’s ok, Flash, I’ll go out with you,” said Derpy.
“You will?”
“Yeah, I like being the smart one in the relationship.”
“I’m not sure if that’s true, but I’d love to have a date.”
“Shut up and get me a muffin, bitch.”
“I wonder what the events are?” said Rarity.
“Motocross, skating, archery, chemistry, woodworking, and baking would be my guesses,” said Cassandra.
The others were shocked, “wow Cassandra, that was supposed to be a secret, how did you know? I bet you’re psychic.”
“No I’m not psychic, dummies, I just figured it out based on the various waivers and certifications they required from you. The baking event is a guess because Principal Celestia likes cake.”
“I’ve made a billion different outfits, mostly sports equipment, despite the fact that they’d give us sports equipment if we need it,” said Rarity. The gods of the Elements of Harmony decided that while that was stupid, it technically was generous, so Rarity ponied up. Twilight was outside with her magic birth control pill container, and she sucked the magic out of Rarity.
“Darling I feel tired” said Rarity, slumping onto the floor.
“Rarity fell over” said Applejack. Her honesty caused her to pony up, and Twilight took her magic too.
The first event was chemistry, and Derpy managed to cause an explosion despite the experiment calling for food coloring and water. Flash laughed at her, knowing for sure that that was the stupidest gaffe anyone would make in this event. The next event was cake-baking, and he and Bonbon somehow ended up making bread with sprinkles.
“It’s not my fault” he whined, “women are supposed to be good at cooking. This one must be broken because she’s a lesbian.” Cassandra hit him in the face with a cake pan, which scored 10 bonus points for Canterlot. Upper Crust and Suri Polomare dropped their cake before Principal Cinch could taste it.
“Neverrr mind,” said Cinch, “I wouldn’t have liked it anyway, considering you weren’t allowed to use kittens and puppy dogs as ingrrrrrrredients."
“so, who’s the winner?” asked Sunny Flare
“It must be us,” said Indigo Zap, “because Celestia liked our cake so much, she ate all of it!”
“I wouldn’t be so sure, she ate all of our cake too!” said Pinkie.
“She ate all of my cake too” said everyone except Flash and Bonbon
“Oh, were we supposed to be judging?” asked Celestia, “I thought this was the snack break. Well, let’s just say that everyone except Flash wins.”
The next round was to build a birdhouse. The students not participating milled around outside, not really having anything to do. Applejack chopped off her finger, but otherwise there wasn’t much to see.
“Good news everyone, you get to watch the next event,” said Principal Cinch.
“Yay” said the students.
“And the better news is, the next event is my choice, it’s one of the only things that sets my cold, dank, lifeless nether parts atwitter - a spelling bee!”
“Boo, also TMI!” said the students.
“Applejack, your word is immigrant” said Principal Cinch,
“W-”
“Stop.” said Cassandra. Eventually it was just down to Twilight and Sunset Shimmer.
“If you thought that was intense" announced Cinch, "just wait until you see the ultimate test… algebrrrrrrrrrra!”
“When do we get to the sports?” said Indigo Zap
“This is boring” said Sugarcoat.
“I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON!” said Lemon Zest. Principal Cinch’s student won, almost as if she planned it that way.
“Now we get to the sports!” announced Luna, “we’ve constructed this enormous track for the sole purpose of 6 students on each team, and about 10 minutes of gaming. But before we get to the games, Cassandra will be doing an exhibition run to warm us up!”
Without even bothering to cross the rope-swing, Cassandra drew six arrows, and hit every target in the bullseye. Then, she sprinted to the motorcross and did an extra lap just for show. Finally, she strapped on her helmet and took to the roller derby (she had been wearing skates the entire time), and she tore up the track, weaving around every bump and divot , doing perfect triple-axles and pirouettes all the while. Finally, she crossed the finish line, and came to a screeching halt, kicking up a cloud of dust in the Shadowbolts’ faces. “Time?” she asked, glistening with sweat, her big breasts heaving as she caught her breath.
“It’s an academy record!” declared Spitfire, “and so are those” she added, ogling Cassandra’s chest.
The racers took their positions on the track. First up was Twilight and Sour Sweet taking on Applejack and Fluttershy in the archery.
“Why would they put me there?" whined Fluttershy, "the last thing I want to do is shoot a bull in the eye!”
"Jest pretend the target is a horse with a brokin leg" said Applejack.
"That's not helping" said Fluttershy
“Principal Cinch said I’d be the best fit for this event” said Sour Sweet, “because it’s the one any idiot can do” she scowled.
Applejack took an arrow to the knee. Sour Sweet completed her portion really fast, but Twilight got stuck in the climbing portion.
“I know a great way to help her,” said Sour Sweet, holding out her hand. She then used that hand to tug on her own face, “I’ll glower at her until she gets it right!!!” Twilight finally made it up the climb, but continued to suck ass, just like she warned Principal Cinch would happen.
“You’re really bad at this!” called Sugarcoat.
“That’s not what your mom said last night!” yelled back Cassandra. “Twilight, aim at where the target’s going to be, not where it is!” Some of the other Canterlot students glared at her. “What? I’m not one of you, you just let any rando walk into the school, remember?” Cassandra’s advice made Twilight into a perfect markswoman.
Up in the stands, Flash turned to Lyra and Bonbon,
“I was cheering for you two to win the acadeca” he said
“Aww that’s so sweet” said Lyra.
“Yeah, lesbians are good at rollerskating.”
“For your information, we’re bi” said Bonbon
“Oh, so that means I still have a chance?” he asked with a suave grin. Lyra dumped her XL sized Cola into Flash’s lap.
“Does that answer your question?”
Up on the motocross track, Sugarcoat and Indigo were waiting for their teammates to complete the roller skating part.
“Sugarcoat, you don’t seem like the motorcycle type,” said Indigo Zap, “when did you learn to ride?”
“Well, it’s a funny and interesting backstory-”
“No time, it’s our turn to go!” They took off at super speed, but Twilight’s magic activated and made a huge plant monster appear in the middle of the course! Like most fictional high schools, the students cared more about sports than life itself, so they were so absorbed that they didn’t notice the plants creeping up out of the soil. Sunset wiped out, so Rainbow Dash went back to save her. They escaped, but the plant monster grabbed Sugarcoat and Indigo Zap in its tendrils.
“We have to save them!” cried Sunset, as the two Crystal Prep students squirmed and struggled as the vines tightened around their waists, their uniforms starting to slip off.
“Wait!” said Rainbow Dash, “maybe they’re not in trouble, let’s give this like 5 minutes and see how it plays out.”
“Ohhhh, ok” said Sunset with a wink.
“For Celestia’s sake” said Cassandra, “I don’t know why I thought their human versions would be smarter.” She rolled her eyes and charged at the monster with a giant pair of hedge clippers, hacking the plant monster to pieces, and freeing Indigo and Sugarcoat, who were swooning over Cassandra’s general greatness.
“You’re really great at this” said a blushing Sugarcoat
“Are we gonna kiss?” asked Indigo
“Later, I’m just glad that Rainbow flaked out on you two and only saved Sunset because she wanted to win the race. She almost ponied up and got her magic sucked out.” A different plant monster grabbed Applejack, and sadly, Cassandra was too late to save her before she died.
“Attention students!” said Dean Cadence, “I have misplaced the ceremonial pennants… er I mean, for the final event of the Friendship Games, I have hidden two pennants somewhere in the school.” The students took their seats in the bleachers, where they would be unable to watch the action.
Principal Cinch brought Twilight behind the bleachers. “Twilight, I rrrrrrrequest that you use your magic to cheat. And to convince you, I shall sing a song. This is based on a song I learned at prrrrrrrrrison in Illinois. I wasn’t serving time for diddling children, don’t worry.”
“I wasn’t worried about that until now.”
Unleash the magic, unleash the magic
If we lose, then you're to blame (ah, ah-ah-ah)
They all have used it, maybe abused it (ah-ah-ah)
So then why can't we do the same?
Lemon Zest cut in, “RAINING BLOOD! FROM A LACERATED SKY! BLEEDING ITS HOR-” Everyone glared at her. “SORRY - HEADPHONES! I COULDN’T HEAR WHAT SONG YOU ALL WERE SINGING SO I HAD TO GUESS!”
“Ok, ok, I’ll do it” groaned Twilight. She opened up the magic compact mirror, and a little wisp of black smoke sputtered out and opened up a frisbee-sized hole in the ground. From out of the hole came a plant tendril, holding the Crystal Prep pennant.
“Here ya go.” said the plant.
“Huh, I was expecting more darkness, demons, rrrrrrrrrifts in space-time, and children scrrrrrrrreaming and fleeing in terror.” said Cinch, “not that I can complain about these rrrrrrresults. Now go on, take the flag and Crystal Prrrrrrrrep will win.”
“NOT SO FAST, CINCH!” yelled out Sunset. She raced back to the center court, pennant in hand. She stepped foot in the center court, just as Twilight grabbed grabbed hers. “Cassandra kissed me and it gave me future vision so I could find the flag,” she said excitedly
“I told you to look in places where Cadence might have been.” clarified Cassandra.
“It was in the backseat of Shining Armor’s car,” said Sunset.
“But wait” said Twilight, “why didn’t something big happen when I released all the magic?” asked Twilight.
“It was a team effort” said Cassandra, “no just kidding, it was all me. I’ve been siphoning magic out of your little device all day. I discovered what you were doing when you drained Rarity and Applejack, so as a pre-emptive measure I told Pinkie Pie not to throw any parties, Rainbow Dash to act self-centered, and Fluttershy to be too shy to approach you. Some parts of that were easier than others.”
“Let’s just say everyone wins,” said Luna
“Hooray!” said Starlight Glimmer. Cassandra whacked her with a folding chair.
“You’ll thank me for that. Trust me.” They had to, because she was the Element of Trust.