//------------------------------//
// Applejacked 
// Story: Tales of Another Ponyville 
// by Paradise Oasis 
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Ohhhhh, Horseapples! Why do I have to put up with all this bunk?!

You know, I have a decent life here in Ponyville; nice little apple orchard, making picnic lunches for the ponies here in town, and spend time hanging out with my friends. I have very little to complain about, as far as problems go, but it's times like what happened today that make me wish I'd learn NOT to do favors for family! 

"Applejack, how's my makeup? Is my tail bow on straight?" Spice asked me in a panic, running around the house and giggling like a school filly. "Ohmygosh, I can't believe he's gonna be here soon!"

It was only a few hours before our double date with the pair of brothers, and the two of us were making preparations as quickly as possible. Apple Spice seemed like she was on cloud nine as she tried on dress after dress, but I was left as nervous as a bull trapped in a ten-foot-wide corral. This was the first time in years I was goin' out with a feller, and it wasn't something I twernt' lookin' forward to. Because the stallion I was going out with just happened to be a total dirty slob. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a cowgirl at heart. I grew up on an apple farm, where we wrestled with the pigs in the mud and mashed apples into applesauce with our hooves. So fellers who get themselves dirty and crawl through the mud are right up my alley. But there's a line that I won't cross... a level of dirt and grime that even makes me sick, and ponies who like to play in the trash with their bare hooves DEFINITELY qualifies! And sadly, the stallion Spice's hooked me up with literally needs to be taken out with the trash! 

"Hey, A.J.! Cinnamon Breeze and Knick-Knack are here for our date!" She calls up the stairs to me, a smile on her face as the two stallions trot in the door. "C'mon down and greet your date!"

Hey, maybe I'm being too hard on him. I think to myself, taking the last curlers out of my hair, and trot of my room and down the stairs. But all of my worst fears are quickly realized as I looked at the two stallions before me. Oh, sureeee Cinnamon Swirl is a handsome pink pony with a niiiiice pair of, ummmmm.... cinnamon buns. 

But Knick-Knack.... ugh! Girls, you know the kind of stallions, right? Mist had missing gaps in his teeth, chunks of the hair from his coat missing, and bugs crawling through his mane. As he walked to me, I could smell the foul stench that reminded me of rotten eggs and old moldy cheese.

"You sure got a purty mouth!" He told me, flashing me a bug-filled smile as he handed me a bouquet of dead roses he obviously pulled out of the rubbish heap. Meanwhile, my dear sweet cousin was getting a much better treatment from Cinnamon Swirl.

"Ah, here we go! Sweets for my dear sweet!" He handed her a box of chocolates, flashing her a pearly white smile. ""I hope you enjoy!"

"Ohhh, thank you, Cinnamon!" Spice giggled,giving the smiling stallion a great big hug. "You are such a sweetheart!"

Gee, sure sure got lucky on this whole thing, now didn't she?! When we both go outside with our dates, Cinnamon buns had a lovely pink motor carriage waiting for her, Blue Mist had his garbage truck waiting for me.

"Muh lady, yer carriage awaits." he told me, as I climbed into the front seat, with flies buzzing around me. The two took us to Sweetie Belle's gourmet restaurant. (See, Cotton Candy lets Sweetie Belle use her cafe as a gourmet dining restaurant through the night until sunrise.) Cinnamon swirly pulled her chair out, talked nicely and politely to her, and let her order her own meal. He was really good conversation, as the two talked and laughed together while I sat with my misery- er, mystery date.

"Your eyes remind me of the deep swirling tides of the sea." Cinnamon declared, sounding like sweet honey-flavored cider as he spoke. "and your hooves shine brightly as the purest pearl!"

"Oh, Swirl!" She giggled like a silly filly. "You say the sweetest things!" 

Meanwhile, Knick-Knack was doing his best to get on my nerves, and make me wish I hadn't gone on this date in the first place.

"Hey, baby! Ya know ya got the cutest muzzle?" He grinned, the bugs slithering through his teeth. "Yer eyes are like two fetid pools of sewage, with rotten banana peels and dirty disposable diapers thrown in!"

"Thanks...  I think?" I tell him, trying not to throw up at the appalling stallion before me. "Y'all say the nastiest things ta me!"

I hope Apple Spice appreciates what I'm doing for her, putting up with this slob. I don't get it, how could this disgusting ball of slime be kin to such a sweetheart like Cinnamon Swirl? But I try to smile and put up with this pile of garbage that picks up garbage, so Cinnamon won't ditch my cousin. 

What followed was glass after glass of hard cider, and you know what? Knick-Knack starts to look much much better. The disgusting sleaze before melts away, and a stallion even more handsome than Cinnamon Swirl sits before me! Ohhh, this date's the best thing that's EVER happened to me!

.....

What followed was a blurry mess that I'm glad I can't remember, and the filthiest night of my life... literally. The next morning I woke up in the back end of a garbage truck covered in rubbish, and a case of the clops he gave me that STILL itches a week later!

Apple Spice, the next time you need a double date... call Pinkie Pie!