//------------------------------// // The chapter without ponies // Story: Equestrian Jeopardy // by CosmicAfro //------------------------------// The camera man positioned his lens once again at the host. Trebek stepped out to his partially broken podium, it had a large crack running up the side and a hole about the size of a fist in the front that made the word jeopardy look like “pardy” ,and he greeted the audience for the umpteenth time, “And welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy: Non-pony edition. I for one would like to completely argue that this version goes completely against the title of the show… but my producers have paid me to say it gives them yet another excuse to bring aboard Sean Connery.” “Speaking of,” he continued, “let’s catch up with the score board. In first place with… three, equal sign, equal sign, ‘greater than’ because he believes numbers aren’t good enough for him anymore, is Sean Connery.” “What’s wrong, Trebek? I’m just giving you the score I thought you’d like the most. A charitable gesture on my part.” “Moving on… next up in second place is Iron Will with negative forty five hundred and thirty three points. The only reason he has this score is because, and I quote, ‘he doesn’t believe in the number zero.’” “Iron Will is here to teach you that nopony should feel like a zero. If you said what you meant, you get that extra percent!” “I’m completely surrounded by morons.” Alex took a larger than life sigh and continued. “Our last guest this week is Bloomberg from Appleloosa. For those wondering how he’s in last considering he’s… a tree, some of his apples dropped onto the button and he couldn’t answer.” “Well Trebek,” Sean interrupted, “at least his apples have dropped.” “Thank you for yet another sexual innuendo. Let’s review the categories for the second round.” Bloomberg didn’t have any objections to this. He decided to stick it out. “They are as follows: ‘Potent portables’ It seems as if we have a typo tonight. ‘Things that don’t rhyme’ ‘Zoology’ ‘What does this smell like?’ In this category, just repeat the object and you automatically win. ‘Male or Female?’ ‘Rudimentary procedures for mailing envelopes’ And ‘What not to do at your job’. Mr. Bloomberg… somehow it’s your turn.” Bloomberg decided that instead of picking, he’d let Sean Connery go instead. He figures that he and Alex go way back, so he’d rather deduce the root of the problem. “Ok Mr. Connery, the board is yours.” “I’ll take zoo orgy for six hundred,” replied he with his scoff. “Mr. Connery, that’s not zoo-orgy, it’s pronounced zoo-o-logy.” “Well Trebek, it’s not my fault you don’t know how to pronounce these things.” “Excuse me, Mr. Connery,” interrupted Iron Will in a strangely calm form, “as a minotaur, I find that joke extremely prejudiced and disgusting. I, and my team of goats, would appreciate it if you didn’t make such a remark at our expense again.” “Well, you’re not Trebek so I guess I must say yes.” Sean and Iron shook hands like respectable people/ mythical creatures and moved on with the question. The slide moved out of the way, revealing a picture. “Does this happen naturally in the wild?” *Bring!* “Yes, Bloomberg?” He forgot what he was going to answer with, so instead of guessing he decided to remain silent. He just couldn’t beleaf that he messed up like this. *Bring!* Yes, Mr. Will?” “What is, yes!” “I’m afraid the correct answer… was no. Mr. Connery, the board is once again yours.” “Very well Alex. I’ll take Rudimentary procedures for mailing envelopes for three hundred.” The question was revealed. “When sealing the envelope with your tongue, do you lick the glue before or after the card has been inserted? I’ll give everyone a large hint. It’s before.” *Bring!* “Yes, Mr. Will?” “What is…” “Come on,” Trebek urged, “think really hard.” “Before you seal the door! Put the card in before!” “Mr. Will, that is… correct!” Half of the audience applauded the valiant effort on the beast’s part while the others sat in silence, either disappointed or dumbstruck. “You now get the board.” “Iron Will will take Male or Female for six hundred and fifteen.” The slide revealed the picture. “Is this a man or a-” Trebek paused in disbelief, not really sure how to finish the question. “…woman.” Nobody pressed the buzzer, holding their heads sideways in bemusement. “Well Trebek, you either have a whore for a mother or a Twinkie for a father,” scoffed Sean. “We’re going to skip this question because I’m getting signals from my producer that even he isn’t entirely sure.” Bloomberg might have been horrified, he was scared stiff in all actuality, be he managed to keep his natural complexion. “I suppose with that being said we should move on to the final jeopardy.” Alex readjusted his tie and placed his hands on the podium. Within seconds, it immediately crashed into the floor into broken pieces of wood. A control box, hidden from the outside view, smashed into the floor, sending lights and sound effects into a tizzy. One unused strobe light, aimed directly at Iron Will, turned on at high frequency, sending the minotaur into a dizzy fit. As he stumbled across the stage, knocking over various set pieces and people, he hit the giant jeopardy wall, sending it crashing down. An employee sitting on a table behind it was launched into the air as it acted like a see saw, catapulting the poor soul into a scoop light above. Sparks flew across the stage and other lights frazzled with the same exemplary force. “Trebek… you ass,” said Sean Connery. “Now we have to wait a few weeks until the set can be rebuilt.” Bloomberg was just glad the show was over. He was pining to get out of here.