Dear Princess Celestia,
Spending two days in Ponyville sucked.
Ok, ok. It didn't suck. It was tolerable. Even though, you know, I still can't help thinking of the 'mane six' as… well never mind that. It turns out that they're not so bad to hang with. And even Discord's good for a couple of laughs. The people in Ponyville are… well, people. Or ponies, whatever. Speaking of which, yesterday it occurred to me that one of my good friends, Morgan, who Nightmare was pretending to be, he actually would really like to come visit Ponyville. And I'm pretty sure by now that he figured out that a rainbow horse pony has been living in my body for the past couple days. My point is, that if I came back and had nothing to tell him about this place, his jimmies would be seriously rustled.
So I asked the girls to show me around Ponyville, and they were happy to. Twilight showed me her tree and a bunch of nerd stuff, Rarity made me wear a dress (but she also made me wear a suit and got a worrying amount of satisfaction from it), I met some of Flutter's pets (that rabbit is a little prick, but the bear was actually a real bro), Applejack showed me apple stuff (because, you know, apples), and Pinkie showed me the bakery she works at (but I turned down a tour of the basement). I… kind of apologized to Spike, but he still irritates me. Oh, and I got to see Lyra sitting on a bench. Joy of joys… I've also slept the past two nights in Rainbow's cloud house. Living IN a cloud is… really abnormal. But I'll never complain about the bed, that's for sure. Wish I could have me one of those back home.
I got your message, by the way. I hope those bugponies aren't pulling our legs, because I'm really ready to go home. And I know everypony oh my god I can't believe I just wrote that – everybody here wants Rainbow back. Her boss from the weather department was super peeved about this whole thing, and wanted me to work her job anyway, even though I have no clue how to weather. I didn't have to, thankfully. I know I've made plenty of bad impressions on all of you already, the last thing I want to do is leave you guys with some kind of freak tornado or something to remember me by.
Anyway, if the bugponies are right, Rainbow and me will be switched back tonight while we're asleep.
Twilight is bothering me about writing some kind of lesson I learned while I was here? Um… let's see. Never pretend to have amnesia when you wake up in the body of a lesbian pony. Yeah, that seems like the real lesson here. Oh, ok, fine. Um, don't be a jerk to people that are trying to help you? Twilight says that's probably the best she's going to get out of me, so that must be right.
Alright Tia, I'm going to hit the hay. Wait, not literally, I mean I'm going to sleep. Let's hope everything goes back to normal in the morning.
Your human friend,
Church
P.S. – Writing with my mouth is a lot easier than I imagined it being. Gotta try this when I'm human again.
One Week Later…
It's night, and I'm asleep. Or at least I was, before I was shaken awake by someone. I open my eyes and in the dark of my room I see a rainbow pony standing next to my bed.
"Church! You have to come back with me," Rainbow Dash demands in her raspy girl voice.
"What? Back where?"
"Back… to Equestria!"
"…Are you fucking serious?"
"Yes!" She smiles.
"Righty, have you been up late watching movies with Danny again?"
"Aw, how'd you know it was me?"
"It's four in the fucking morning!"
"It's Saturday!"
"Get the fuck outta my house dude! How'd you even get in here?"
"Danny has a copy of your house key."
"Righty…!"
"Fine, fine!" 'Rainbow Dash' erupts in a swirl of green flame, and in her place is Conner.
Conner wearing a very odd pink nightgown. Whatever. He's leaving anyway.
Having bugponies for friends is strange. Very, very strange. Never a dull moment, at the very least. It turns out they need four of them to hold open a portal to Equestria or from there to here. So when they came here to find Rainbow, they didn't expect to go home. I guess the portals only work one way, or something? There's some reason their friends on the other side can't open a portal for them, I don't know. Anyway, they came here to save Rainbow on a suicide mission, for queen and country. Or, I guess they hated their queen, but you know what I mean. Pretty ballsy of them.
I'm still trying to get them to use their powers to rob a bank or something, but they won't. Probably best, anyway. They do love playing pranks on people though. Me, the guys, our parents, people in town, people on facebook, you name it. And I have had them get me out of work once or twice, heh heh.
I can't complain though. They're good guys. It took all of us a while to warm up to them, especially, because, you know, they kind of kidnapped four of the guys, and apparently the whole town. Not Morgan though, he's been as thick as thieves with all of them from the get-go. Freaking brony.
All in all, this whole experience has been pretty cool. I can look back on it and laugh, at least. Spitfire was right, I got to get away for a while and have an adventure of sorts. I did get to fly, I mean, how many people can say that? Like not in an airplane, literally flying on my own feathery wings. Pretty damn boss. I actually made friends with living incarnations of cartoon characters – despite which ones they were – and hey, they were alright people. And now that it's all over, I have some cool new changeling friends to remind me of my little out-of-body adventure.
Nope, can't complain one bit. And, no, I haven't actually watched the show yet. Church out.