For Azarias
“It’s 10 bits for a cherry! Now buy it or get out!” cherry pony yelled at Fluttershy. She sniffled on the ground.
“Oh, but 10 bits? I… I’ll go without…” she squeaked. Her thoughts turned to the enraged rabbit she would soon face. A shadow appeared before her.
“Hi, Billy Mays here! Are you tired of other vendors charging *too* much for the vegetables and fruits you need daily?” The strange bearded man stood staring at her.
“Uh…”
He continued to look at her. His eyes seemingly depthless as they peered into her soul.
“Yes.”
“Well I’ve got a deal for you! Just look at how fresh these vegetables are! They couldn’t be fresher if you went to Applejack’s and picked them yourself! Just look at how fresh this broccoli is!” Billy went into a spiel.
Fluttershy interjected, “Uh, do you have any cherries?”
“Of course I do! These cherries are guaranteed to make anyone’s day! Take this pony for instance, before Mays’ Cherries, he was a sad, sad pony.” Billy reached below the counter and pulled up a light brown stallion.
“Before I had some fruits and vegetables from Mays, I was living a lie. Now I have a wife and kids and a job. Thanks you, Mays’ Cherries!”
Billy pushed the stallion away.
“If that didn’t sell you, don’t go away! Watch this cherry just decimates scurvy in this mare here!” Billy plucked a pony from the crowd which had seemingly assembled.
“But I don’t have scurvy,” she protested as Billy shoved a cherry into her face.
“See! No scurvy at all!”
Billy looked back to the timid Fluttershy; she was walking away sans cherry. Billy flopped his hands onto the counter of his meager stall.
These ponies never needed any of his wares, neither the Double Saw nor the Mighty Putty. He was losing money like no one’s business.
“Hello, human,” came a radiant voice the likes of which he’d never heard before. Billy looked up to face the most beautiful pony he had ever seen. However, he noticed one fault.
“Billy Mays here! have you noticed a problem when you look in the mirror every day?” he began to sell.
“Excuse me?” she asked.
“You are excused! You probably have not heard of a solution to your problems! But today that all changes!” Billy reached and pulled up a pearlescent bottle. “Oxyclean will make your whites whiter and your darks gone!”
Celestia put a forehoof to her chest, “sir, I am perfect in appearance…”
“Nonsense, no one’s perfect without a beard like this! Now back to you!” Billy jumped over the counter and grabbed Celestia’s mane. “This will clear that up!” he said as he poured Oxyclean on her mane.
Celestia’s colors fell to the floor in a liquidly pile. Celestia steamed.
“No one touches my mane,” she whispered.
“Looks like a case of weak hair! With just another 19.99 I’ll throw in my patented hair strengthener!”
“No no no, this won’t do. Fix my mane now, human. Or else.”
Billy cupped his hands together. “About that! I don’t think I can fix your mane, miss! Oxyclean is just TOO strong to be undone! It’s going to be clean forever!”
“Guards! Take this man to the dungeons,” Celestia ordered.
As the guards left she took the half empty bottle of Oxyclean. I wonder what Luna looks like without all that… Luna-ness, she wondered.