Chapter Eighteen
Recovery

The difference between success and failure
is often irrational perseverance.

July, 1012 - December, 1012
Equestria

I did everything I could. I did everything that was reasonable… and quite a number of unreasonable things, as well. It seemed like everypony else handled the situation much better than I did, and I think that made me feel even worse. I was the one that severed the chain between us. I was the broken link.

I don't think I could remember every dip and curve of the emotional roller-coaster I rode for the next several months if I tried. But there were moments I'll never forget. Moments that made a difference.

"Do you think I did wrong when I banished Luna?" Celestia asked me, about a week after my return. We sat on a cloud high above Ponyville, where she had joined me after lowering the sun.

I wasn't as impartial a judge as I had once been on that subject, but it was hard to find fault with her actions in the matter. I had seen for myself that she had only used the Elements as a last resort.

"I could have surrendered to her, Twilight. I could have given her the kingdom. You've told me what Equestria under her rule would have been like, and it doesn't seem so very terrible."

I knew she was following that line of reasoning just to make a point, so I went with it. It felt like I was back in school practicing logic and debate, and that was actually comforting. "No. Even if she accepted your surrender instead of... well, you know. Maybe most ponies wouldn't have suffered much physical harm under her rule, but they would have been harder and colder, less trusting and open. There is value in quality of life as well as quantity. And, anyway, back then you had no way of knowing Luna wouldn't cause great harm. What you did wasn't good for Luna, but it was good for most ponies."

"So, perhaps my failing was not realizing how neglected and lonely Luna had become?"

I considered it. "Maybe. But the Elements did not break their connection to you before it was too late. When Luna… went wild, they were still bound to you. It was the banishment that severed the bond."

I frowned. "That doesn't make sense. As far as I can tell, the Elements do the best thing they can to restore Harmony, or they don't act at all. How could they blame you for letting them make the judgment?"

Celestia nodded and smiled. "Because, even though I blamed myself, that would be unfair, wouldn't it? It would be punishing an already remorseful and grieving pony."

Celestia's horn glowed softly, and tiny wisps of cloud beneath us swirled up and transformed into a chessboard with fluffy little pieces. She'd often done this sort of thing when I'd been her protege: a continuation of our discussion, not an abandonment. She had placed the white pieces on my side, so I obliged by making the first move. We played in silence for a while, until I realized that she had made a bad blunder. Unless she could pull off something spectacular, I was going to easily win the game.

"Check," I announced, moving my dragon into a position that threatened her princess.

She nodded and moved her remaining knight clear across the board, blocking my threat and establishing a fork on my rook and princess. "Check," she said calmly, as if she hadn't made a blatantly illegal move.

"I mean, it's against the rules," I clarified, knowing she was leading up to something.

"Oh, didn't I mention it?" She smiled slyly. "There are secret rules you don't know about."

I tipped over my princess. "Alright. I've lost the game. It's according to the rules, but it isn't fair." I looked up at her. "But what do I do now? I've lost, and starting a new game would be pointless unless I know the 'secret' rules."

Celestia got to her hooves and swept the board and pieces into mist with a flick of her wingtip. "Consider a different game."

To anypony watching, the conversation would have been puzzling to say the least, but not to me. It was the closest Celestia would come to saying, "It was something that was bound to happen sooner or later. Get over it and move on. I did."

If only it were that easy. Celestia, who seemed to be the pinnacle of perfection to most ponies, had failed many, many times in her long life. To her, winning in the long run[1] was all that mattered. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have a few millennia of experience as a buffer.
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[1] A little family argument with her sister took a thousand years to resolve. No big deal.
----------

There were good days and bad days. My determination to move on made the bad ones fewer and easier to bear.

It wasn't hard to keep busy. There was the political chess game against Chrysalis and her allies, the refit of Nebula, and the preparations for pirate hunting to keep me busy when nothing else was pressing.

To add even more complications to the mix, my secretary, Periwinkle, came into my study one morning and announced that there was a strange zebra in the audience chamber that wished to speak with me.

"Good morning, Your Highness," she said, rising from her bow. "It is good to see you again."

I really didn't think I needed more changelings in my life right then, but I found myself smiling, anyway. We hugged and exchanged pleasantries, then settled in with some tea and snacks in a smaller side-chamber that was much more cozy.

"Queen Csharreee sent me with information, an offer, and a gift," she replied. "This is the information." She passed over a thick scroll in a leather cover, and continued, "It is a summary of all the intelligence we have on Chrysalis' operations, both within Equestria and abroad."

I briefly skimmed the small, neat writing, taking care not to physically touch the case. Just that quick look told me that it contained invaluable information. "This is extremely generous, Ket."

"Not at all, Your Highness," she replied. "We realize that if Chrysalis achieves her goals, our hive will be at a huge disadvantage, and Chrysalis is not the forgiving sort. Queen Csharreee considers this a matter of survival."

"Then what Csharreee is offering must be an alliance above and beyond our current treaty."

Khaatarrekket gave a small nod. "A clandestine arrangement to our mutual benefit."

"I will have to consult with Celestia and Luna about this," I told her. "But I think they will be… receptive."

"Of course." Ket nodded again. "And that brings me to the gift." Her zebra disguise dropped away in a flash of green fire. She lifted her right fore hoof and placed it across her chest, bowing deeply. "I am yours to command."

"More than that, Your Highness," she said, not rising from her bow. "Her Majesty is offering you me. If you accept, I will no longer be a subject of the Desert Hive. Your interests shall be my foremost duty, even should they run counter to those of Queen Csharreee."

I should have outright refused. It smacked of slavery. I said as much to Ket, and she said that service freely and gladly given couldn't be considered such. We went back and forth for a long while after that, and it all wound up with Ket being entered in the castle register as an employee with a set salary, benefits, and vacation plan.

"And, unless we're in a formal setting, you should call me by my name, understood?"

It still felt weird. Technically she was a servant or employee, but I couldn't really think of Ket as anything but a friend.

After her refit, Nebula was taken out for a shakedown cruise. If all went according to plan, we wouldn't go back on the trade routes until spring, but there were several short-haul jobs we could take on in the meantime.

I met Gudgeon at the airship docks in Canterlot, and was surprised to find Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash already aboard. Well, Dash wasn't much of a surprise; she had joined Rarity in expressing eagerness to "kick some pirate rump." I took her aside when Fluttershy went topside to inspect the cupola.

"Do you think you should have brought her here, Dash? It's got to be dredging up awful memories for her."

Rainbow rolled her eyes. "She's the one who insisted, Twi! She was all, 'They just don't understand her like I do!' and 'They won't talk to her the way she likes!' She's really nutso about it!"

I tried to smack her upside the head with my wing, but she ducked away and laughed.

Ket came aboard also, and at my insistence, she did so undisguised. She followed Gudgeon around, absorbing as much about airship operations as she could. During a free moment, she commented to me, "That old pony certainly loves his job."

After the cruise out to Ponyville and back, I worked out a schedule to keep our hooves in as part-time aeronauts without taking too much of our time away from our normal jobs. We decided that if the gang rotated as crew on a triangle route from Canterlot to Los Pegasus to Van Hoover and back, it wouldn't keep any of us from home for more than a few days, but it would still keep our skills sharp and turn a modest profit.

Several of our crew from the first voyage had decided that they'd rather work for a less "interesting" owner, but most of them were willing to sign on again, especially for an easy domestic route.

Luna was wonderful. She seemed to know when I needed company and when I needed to be alone. She also knew exactly how to be alone together.

She was such a huge help and comfort to me that I'm afraid I depended on her too much. I was so wrapped up in my own situation that I really didn't pay enough attention to how she was feeling.

Late one night, when Hearth's Warming was fast approaching, I returned to the Tower of the Moon after an extended research session with Moon Dancer and Starlight Glimmer. I found Luna leaning on the rail of the topmost balcony, gazing at the waning crescent moon, softly humming a slow, sad tune under her breath. I was shocked by how sad she looked. She didn't answer me when I first spoke, so I called out to her again.

She gave a little start and turned her head to look at me. "Ah, Twilight. Forgive me. I was lost in thought and did not hear you come in. How went it with the books?" She smiled, but it was unconvincing.

"Really well," I replied, levitating my saddlebags over to a side table. "I think we may have come up with a way to help counter Chrysalis' influence."

She didn't answer right away, but eventually dropped her gaze and said, "Naught but a little melancholy. Perhaps 'tis the season."

She put a wing over my back and leaned her cheek against mine. "Just be with me."

Maybe it was true. Maybe it was her comforting me again. I wasn't sure. "What were you singing when I came in?"

Her eyes widened a bit. "Oh, that? 'Twas nothing. An old tune that came to mind."

She arched her neck and turned her head so that she could look into my eyes. After a moment, she said, "Very well," and began to sing.

"Wynter wakeneth al my care,
"Nou this leves waxeth bare;
"Ofte I sike ant mourne sare
"When hit cometh in my thoght
"Of this worldes joie, hou hit goth al to noht."[2]
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[2] Winter awakens all my sorrow,
Now the leaves grow bare.
Often I sigh and mourn sorely
When it comes into my thoughts
Of this world's joy, how it all goes to nothing.
----------

Well, I'd asked for it. It was a sentiment that had been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Thankfully, she stopped after the first verse and we held each other tightly and cried on each other's necks.

And that was what made me look back on my actions of the last few months with a critical eye. I didn't like what I saw. I decided it was time to buck myself into shape, and the first thing I was going to do was to make sure all of my friends knew how much I appreciated and valued them, particularly after all they had put up with from me.

I worked my tail off in the next week, and it was kind of amazing how happy everypony seemed to be. And it wasn't just the visits, presents, and helping hooves. I think it was relief on their part that I seemed to be coming out of my funk.

I thought long and hard about our relationship and came to a decision. I made a plan, and the first step was a visit to the Canterlot Conservatory of Music.

On Hearth's Warming Eve, I arranged to be with Luna when she ushered in the night. Afterwards, we lingered on the balcony to admire the lanterns, strings of colored lights, and decorations in the city below.

"Oh, look!" I said, as nonchalantly as possible. "There's a group of carolers in the Lotus Garden!"

We shifted over to watch the dozen or so ponies arrange themselves facing the tower. Luna shot me a questioning glance, but I pretended not to notice.

As soon as they began to sing, it was obvious that they weren't amateurs, and what they sang certainly wasn't a traditional carol.

"Regal beauty grace our land,
"Noble power, pure and grand.
"Fledged with shadow, crowned with the night,
"Darkness flowing, bearing starlight.
"Hail, Goddess of the Night!
"True Goddess of the Night!"

"Pearlescent orb that rules the night,
"Who keeps thee steady in thy flight?
"To light our way with softest glow,
"Through silver fretted lands below.
"Hail, Warden of the Moon!
"Pure Warden of the Moon!"

"Royal princess prowls the Dreamlands,
"Against terrors, mighty stands.
"We slumber, safe beneath her gaze.
"Her courage now we rightly praise.
"Hail, Defender of Our Dreams!
"Fierce Defender of Our Dreams!"

"Regal beauty, grace our land,
"Noble power, pure and grand.
"Fledged with shadow, crowned with the night,
"Darkness flowing, bearing starlight.
"Hail, Goddess of the Night!
"Our Goddess of the Night!"

The singers all bowed deeply at the end of the piece. The look on Luna's face was worth every bit of the ten thousand I'd spent commissioning the composer and hiring the singers to perform it all over the city.

It took her a moment to find her voice, and when she did it was precise and formal. But for all that, it bore an unmistakable affection. "Our gentle and gracious subjects, We thank you for your pleasing performance and give unto you a token of Our regard for your masterful skill in song."

Luna's horn lit and her magic sparkled on the foreheads of the ponies below. When they rose, they each wore a circlet of silver, studded with fire opals, and fashioned to look like a wreath of laurel leaves framing a central crescent moon.

There were heartfelt cheers and a few shouts of "Long live Princess Luna!" Then they trotted briskly out of the garden. It wasn't long before we heard the song again, echoing up from Parliament Square. Those ponies had amazing voices.

"You do not fool me, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said, after a long while. "I see your hoof in this."

"Oh, I admit I got the ball rolling, but you know I'm hopeless with poetry and music. I left it all to Grand Crescendo." I stepped toward her and lifted a wingtip to caress her cheek. "It certainly was an inspired composition." I kissed her. "Inspired by you."

She kissed me back, and her cool mane flowed over my neck and shoulders, tingling where the stars touched me.

I lit my horn and stroked her… well, let's just say that things went on that way until we found ourselves in the bed chamber.

"What shall I be for thee tonight, my love?" Luna asked as we tumbled onto the bed. "How shall I please thee?" I could feel the shape-changing magic rising into her horn.

"You," I said. "I want only… thee as thou art. None can compare to the great and glorious Princess of the Night, and tonight all shall be as thou desirest."

She hesitated, her ears flickering back. "But… surely thou dost not wish me to remain..." She glanced back over her shoulder to where her tail swished nervously. "...entirely as I am?"

It was a simple decision. There comes a time when the happiness of the pony you love becomes more important than your own. What surprised me was how quickly her happiness infected me, and how our shared happiness quickly became something greater than the sum of its parts.

Perhaps I was fooling myself all along? Maybe when a lover can take any shape, shape becomes less important. Or can "nurture" overcome nature? And if that's so, can determination overcome destiny?

At that point, I simply didn't care that I no longer had an arcane piece of furniture and a glowing flank to chart my course through life. I was determined to make my own way.

The Twilight Enigma

by iisaw

18 Recovery