//------------------------------// // Act 3 Chapter 12 : She's Got A Ticket To Ride And She Don't Care // Story: Starlight Over Detrot: A Noir Tale // by Chessie //------------------------------// There is sometimes a mistaken impression that the Crusades were a war exclusively between ponies and dragons. While ponies and dragons certainly made up the majority of the fighting forces and the victims, they were by no means the only souls to suffer. Ponykind, being a naturally social species, had spent a considerable amount of the last several centuries making friends with a range of sapients from all across the globe. Equestria has always had a very open immigration policy and it is a society comprised of many different hooved, clawed, toe-ed, and pawed creatures. Dozens of species signed up when the dragon lords invaded, ready to do their part to save the land they’d made their home. There are many accounts of diamond dog combat units employed to sap enemy fortifications, minotaur bruisers for front line demolitions, and griffin war-bands fighting alongside their pony neighbors. There are even long standing rumors of changeling queens throwing their support behind Equestria to protect their food supply. Despite their overwhelming numbers and incredibly diverse, creative martial methods making maximum use of all the various being at their disposal, it was barely enough. Only a few extremely risky, desperate actions saved Equestria from becoming a scorched slave pit lorded and fought over by dragons. After the war, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna dedicated considerable resources to making sure those injured fighting for their country were taken care of. That said, many were beyond the reach of even the finest healing magics to restore them to their original bodies. For those who could not be healed, for whatever reasons, alternatives were found. -The Scholar I wished I’d had an answer for Short Sell. In truth, heading to Canterlot was desperation itself. There were probably hundreds or thousands of ponies out there thinking similar things, but how many of them had my resources that weren’t in Canterlot for the Summer Sun Celebration when the Darkening happened? Probably not enough. Certainly none that might have an actual inkling of what was going on. That left me with a certain amount of weighty responsibility.         Whatever his failings, Short Sell was right about one thing; the game had been upended, leaving the players to settle their differences without the benefit of agreed upon rules.         ----         “So, what then?” Taxi asked as we trotted back up the stairwell, leaving Tourniquet to handle Cerise and Jambalaya to return Short Sell to his cell. “Canterlot?”         Rather than answer, I turned to Limerence. “You know about the Bull. How long you figure it will take us if they’re pushing?”         Limerence looked a bit pensive. “Based on what I know about the Express, we will be risking our sanity simply riding it. You have more experience in that arena, I imagine. The effects of traveling aboard the Express are unpredictable, but the conductor is known to always be correct regarding arrival times, so if you want specifics, ask her. That said, no journey aboard the Express has ever been clocked at longer than three hours, regardless of distance.” I couldn’t suppress a flinch. “Three hours there and three hours back?” “Per what little actual information exists, yes, at the outside it will be three hours.” “Oog…” “Hardy, I’m kinda curious,” Taxi murmured, “Why would she hang around? I mean, she likes to roam. What kept her in Detrot after the Darkening?” “No passengers, most likely,” I replied. “The Bull doesn’t like to run without passengers. Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know.” “Sir, what exactly is this ‘Bull’?” Swift asked. I looked over to find her trotting up the stairs beside me with her eyes closed; she seemed perfectly comfortable as we reached the landing, turning towards the next set of steps without missing a beat. “It’s a train. Sort of. Loosely speaking, it’s a train. Kid...what are you doing?” She tilted her head, peering over at me through her eyelids. I got the distinct impression she hadn’t noticed they weren’t open. “What do you mean?” A trio of fillies zipped down the stairs passed us. Swift stepped out of their way a full five seconds before they would have plowed straight into her. “You’ve got your eyes shut. How are you doing that?!” I snapped. She giggled and touched her eye, then blinked them open. A soft glimmer of light seemed to be floating in her pupils. “Sorry, sir. You’ve got no idea what it’s like in here. I can see so much more! More than I’ve ever seen in my entire life. If I think about it, I can hear heartbeats and...and feel our hooves on the floor and see the sky overhead! There’s warm laundry and cooking and the smell of spices and this is the most amazingly fantastically neatest thing in the...oooh...” She danced in a little circle, smiling ear to ear as she stared off at into space at something overhead. Her hooves seemed a bit unsteady and she almost tumbled onto her butt, just barely catching herself on one of the railings. “Tourniquet, did you slip Swift something?” I called out, raising my voice a little. “She’s acting like she’s had a hit of Beam.” “Of course not, Detective. I was a little loopy, too, that first day they plugged me into the mains. I’m monitoring her brain and trying to limit how much information she gets, but it’s hard. She has to adjust, but I don’t think that’ll take very long. It’s hard to say. I was never able to sense quite this much when I was just a prison. I think my mom built me with tolerances waaay above what I strictly needed and I never got to use them. Life energy isn’t near so tasty as hydroelectric.” “Yeah, but why is she acting like she’s stoned? I’d like a thorough explanation of this ‘connection’ you two are sharing if it’s going to be messing with my partner’s brain meats.” “I’m not stoned, Sir! It’s just that everything is sooo incredibly incredible I can’t begin to—” “Shut it, kid. Tourniquet?” “It’s super complicated, Detective. I still don’t know everything about how I work. Mom was kinda stingy with information on all my internal sub-systems. I think she was afraid I might get out of her control or something. The best analogy I can think of is that I’m a car and Swift is the driver. I give her information about the road, or the conditions, and she gives me directions. Her windscreen just got a whole lot bigger and the car is about fifty times as fast, so she’s getting used to driving.” I walked on in silence for another minute, then something occurred to me. “Tourniquet?” “Yes, Detective?” “You’re dumping information into Swift’s brain, right?” “Yeees...I thought I said that.” “How much information are the Ladybugs pumping into you?” There was a very, very long pause. I started to wonder if she was actually going to answer me. At last she asked, “Do you mean back when they were out in the city? Or while they’re right here?” “You know exactly what I what mean, Tourniquet.” “You want to know if I could I maybe be the scariest, most pervasive, invasive, all powerful surveillance network in the history of the world.” I set my jaw and nodded. “That’d be the question on the tip of my tongue, yes.” Another pause, this one shorter. “Only if Swift told me to be…” Speak of that particular little devil, I looked over to find Swift was gone. Turning around, I caught sight of her standing about three meters back, staring at the wall, gently stroking it with her hoof. “Sooo pretty…” she murmured. I groaned and put a hoof over my eyes. “Ugh...Tourniquet, could you get somepony to bundle us up some food for the trip? Oh, and could you get Mags here?” “Will do, Detective!” she replied, with a bit more cheer now that the conversation was no longer regarding her status as a threat to planetary privacy or international security. “Terrifying conversations aside...am I to understand you intend on taking your ward with us?” Limerence asked. “Not if I can help it, but I’m not leaving her here any longer than necessary. You told me it’ll just be a day, right?” “Thereabouts, yes,” he replied. “That does assume we manage to get to Canterlot in that period, then find whatever it is you believe we are likely to discover, then make our way back without incident...” “Yes, yes, yes...assuming all of that, I think I can convince her to stay here for a day or two without me. If nothing else, she’ll have some kids to play with and I can have Wisteria look after her. In the meantime…” I trotted over and wedged my nose underneath my partner. She let out a high pitched squeal as she was hoisted off her hooves and I rolled her across my shoulders. Her wings flapped a couple of times, then she lay there pawing at the air like a kitten who's gotten into the rum. “S-sir! I can fly just by thinking about it! Whooo! I’m f-flying sideways and upside down!” ---- With only a bit of guidance from Tourniquet, we made our way back upstairs into the common areas of the Aroyo’s new home. It was just closing in on dinner time and somepony had wheeled a massive table into the center of one of the hallways, leaving room on either side for a buffet line. Great heaps of food were piled on, from children’s snacks to bowls of cheese-doodles to steaming casseroles. It was a feast and every door along the hall was thrown open, with ponies, griffins, zebras, and all manner of friendly soul eating in each other’s cells. Grabbing a plate, I left Swift slumped against a wall, giggling to herself as I joined the queue for just long enough to get myself some pickles, a heap of potato chips, and some fried hay. It was something of a new experience, if only because I kept catching smiles aimed in my direction every time I turned my head. Still, nopony approached me or tried to make conversation. The Aroyos were the sort of ponies who held ‘Mind Your Own Business’ as a sacred oath. That or Tourniquet was quietly asking them to leave me be again. Either way, I appreciated the space. While my other friends were grabbing plates to stuff their bellies, I slouched down beside Swift and tried to pick up threads of conversation, ears twitching this way and that. “—he be still here. Traitor to de crown or whatever de beastly idiots in Uptown be sayin’, he be alright in I’s book.” “—and Wisteria says she’s just like a little girl, but she kept a pallet of tomato juice from falling on my head that would have squashed me flat yesterday. You find it weird there’s somepony always looking over your shoulder like—” “—and then Clean Bill be sayin’ to me ‘What if we all be dyin’ here?’ and says I ‘Better to be dyin’ wid full bellies and friends!”         A leg brushed against mine as Limerence sat down beside me, holding a plate balanced on his hoof covered in a selection of fresh fruits.         “My father would approve of this, I think,” he mused, watching the feasting.         “Knowing his very liberal attitudes towards the law, he’d have found a fire at a tax office funny,” I replied and my friend shrugged, but didn’t disagree.         Taxi broke free from the buffet line, her plate piled high and one of her saddlebags bulging suspiciously as she trotted over to join us.         “Sweets, you just ate downstairs. This was supposed to be a quick snack,” I said.         “Are you a cop or not? Free food is free food.”         A flash of pale feathers darted out of the crowd and skidded to a halt, panting heavily, half of a turkey leg sticking out of her muzzle as she slumped onto her stomach at my hooves. Plucking the roasted leg of meat out of her mouth, she sat up and tore off a long strip, tilting her head back to swallow. “Phew...Har’dy! This place be the best!”         “I thought you were enjoying spending time with Slip Stitch?” I teased, patting the tuft on her tail.         “Oooh, be you thinking we might be getting him to come here?”         “If we did, it’d be the best party in all of equine history, but I think there are other things going on which might preclude that. Did you find some kids?”         She nodded around her meal. “A couple! They be talking funny, but they be nice and we go for a fly to the top floor!”         “Heh...good on you, honey,” I said, trying to figure how I was going to ask her what was going through my mind. Thankfully, she didn’t notice the awkward silence that followed, absorbed as she was in ripping the turkey leg to shreds. I opened my mouth to say something several times, only to stall out before I could figure precisely what needed to be said.         The truth was I wanted her with me more than anything in the whole world. Having her out of my sight was going to hurt for reasons I couldn’t really fathom. By the same token, I wanted her safe and Canterlot was going way outside of my definition of ‘safe’, edging well into ‘hideously, suicidally dangerous’. “Mags,” I began, then hesitated as she looked up at me with those big, innocent eyes. I took a deep breath, forcing myself to bite this particular bullet before the guilt could really hit me. “Mags...I need you to stay here for a day. Forty-eight hours at the most, if everything goes right.” That came out all in such a rush that, for several seconds, I wasn’t sure if she’d understood. Slowly, she lowered her turkey leg and gave me an appraising stare. I shuffled my hooves as I got the funniest feeling she was deciding which of my lungs to tear out first. “Egg Pony. I be your tribe lord. You don’t be leaving your tribe lord,” she said, very slowly, like she was explaining something basic to a child. “I’m going to be back for you. I have to go to Canterlot, though and the only way there might hurt you to ride.” Mag’s tail tucked under her butt and she let the leg of meat drop to the floor, then leaned up and wrapped her little forelegs around my neck. “You be not leaving me here, though, right? Not...not like my dad be leaving me?” “I promise,” I murmured, gathering her up against me. I could feel her little heart thumping against mine and wanted nothing more than to take her away from all this violence. “I’ll be back. You know Wisteria?” “The pony with the pony chick?” “Yeah, Wisteria and Gumbo. You’re going to be staying here with them and when I get back, you’ll ride with me again. While you’re here, I want you to listen to her. What she tells you to do, you do, no questions. Got me?” Mags thought about it for several seconds, then nodded. Reaching up, she gave me a hard poke with one of her claws just over my heart plug. “You be not dying, Har’dy. That be an order from your tribe lord!” “I won’t. I want to watch you grow up in a world with sunshine, kiddo. Stay safe for me. I’ll be back soon.” ---- Wisteria stood, straight shouldered, her wings tucked against her sides as I trotted out of the ante-chamber of Supermax into twilight. A sizable rucksack sat at her hooves, stuffed to bulging. Gumbo wasn’t with her; probably off for a nap. That made me a bit sad, for some reason. The little tyke was five kinds of adorable. Swift was draped across my back, occasionally wiggling a wing or reaching towards something in front of her face that only she could see. Assurances from Tourniquet that my partner would be fine once the construct could figure out how to optimize how much information she was getting were only so comforting considering Swift was still three sheets to the wind. I couldn’t help a sigh as the doors of the bustling little village slammed shut behind us, leaving only the slightly chilly, dry air of the wastes surrounding Supermax. A dust devil swirled across the parking lot between the head of the Aroyo’s security and myself. “So, Crusada...dis be it, eh?” “Seems like. I wish I could stick around.” Leaning to one side, she peered at Swift. “Ye pegasus seem a bit broken Crusada…” “A minor technical malfunction that I’ve been assured will correct itself once we’re on our way. You got what I asked for?” She nodded, giving the sack a light kick. “Ammunition for ye guns, what walkie-talkies we be scavengin’, batteries, inv-er-ter for ye heart, and two weeks provision.” “Two weeks?” Limerence inquired, tipping his horn towards the large bag. “Surely you don’t think we could be trapped outside the city for that long.” “No, but I’m not taking chances. It’s at least a two week walk back from Canterlot, assuming good speed.” “Lying to Mags isn’t particularly healthy, Hardy,” Taxi murmured. “I didn’t lie to her, Sweets. I’m going to get back here, as quick as I can.”         “I didn’t just mean for her, doofus,” she snapped, giving me a firm bop upside the head. “Why do you think I haven’t fought harder for you to find that girl somewhere else to stay?” My ears lay flat. “Your talent is cheating.” “Duh! Even if I have to drag your dead body back here, stick my hoof up your backside, and work you like a puppet, you are not letting her down, for either of your sakes. You hear me?” “I’ll be sending you my shrink’s bill when he has to dig that image out of my mind with a chainsaw.” Wisteria tapped her juju bag with her toe. “Crusada...I and I knows ye been avoidin’ de Ancestors. Dey be insistin’ ye see them when ye get back. Dis time dey say ‘or die screamin’. Somet’in like dat. Sometimes dey hard to understand.” “Alright, can do.” Reaching back, she tugged a beer bottle out of a pouch hanging off her side and offered it to me. I took it and peered inside. A Ladybug was sitting in there, wings buzzing nervously as it tried to make itself very small. Tilting the lid up, I saw somepony had punched holes in it. “What’s this then?” Limerence asked. “I was under the impression the Ladybugs wouldn’t leave this building due to whatever magics are emanating from Uptown.” “Dis be...eh…’volunteer’, says de one called ‘Queenie’. It go wid ye into de darkness and be tellin’ if ye die. If ye walks dead, we be wantin’ to know.” Raising the bottle, I stared at my tiny prisoner. “I take it if I pop the top off, you’re going to make a run for it?” The insect bobbed its whole body affirmatively. I slid the bottle into my coat pocket and tilted my head back towards Supermax. “Wisteria...you know that little griffin I came in with? I need you to take care of her. Foalsit for a day or two. Teach her what you can. She’s stubborn and pissy and likes her meat raw. Don’t let her chase city birds. They give her a stomach ache and I don’t want her getting mites.” “Will do, Crusada,” Wisteria answered, “We also be lookin’ after de Chief o’ Police daughter. Heh! What gifts ye bring us when ye return from de holy city?” “Hopefully some sunny days.” ---- “Damn,” I muttered under my breath, pressing my forehead against the back window of the Night Trotter. “Missing Mags?” Taxi asked. “Yeah,” I sighed, watching the approaching line of buildings from far off. “We’re coming back to get her before we do anything else. I don’t like having her out of my sight a minute longer than necessary.” She made an amused noise with the corner of her mouth. “I never took you for the paternal type, Hardy. It kinda suits you.” “I never wanted kids, Sweets,” I replied. “I just want to be sure she’s okay. Whatever happens, if we crawl out the other side of this and I can look down at her and say she’s better off for having known me, I think I can take whatever punishment the Princesses or whoever want to throw my way. It won’t surprise me if someone turns me over to the dragons for execution just for having this.” I gestured at the Crusader attached to my leg. Limerence, who’d been sitting quietly studying the landscape added his voice to the conversation. “I must admit, despite her somewhat aggressive temperament and the carnivore flatulence which has—on several occasions—left me dancing outside the bathroom while the toxic cloud clears, ‘your’ chick has a certain refreshingly direct curiosity about the world. I can see her making an excellent police officer one day.” Before I could respond, there was a soft grunt and Swift sat up, rubbing her forehead with one knee. “Sir...w-what happened?” “Wish I could say, kid. How are you feeling?” She shook her head, trying to clear it. “Like that time in the Academy where my room-mate dared me to drink twenty cups of coffee. I think it’s fading, though.” “You remember anything?”         Swift cringed, massaging her temples with both hooves. “Um...oog...sort of. My head feels like a balloon that’s a little too full.” She suddenly sat up straight, her eyes wide. “Oh my gosh! There’s a full map of the city sewers in my head! Why is that there?!”         “Probably a gift from Tourniquet,” Taxi replied as we turned off the highway and back amongst the city streets. “Easy escape routes and such. Incidentally, speaking of ‘escape routes’, I tried to call the Essy Office. No luck. The Office was just inside the zone of Uptown that’s now locked off. However, Tourniquet could get me a line out to my friend’s house. While you guys were getting food, I called her and she actually picked up. She was surprised, lemme tell you, but she clued me in to where the Bull is probably sitting.”         “We’re headed there now?”         “Yep! The day before the Darkening, somepony bought fourteen tons of coal up near Hide Park using raw, unfinished gemstones. There’s one of the Bull’s hidden stations near there and according to the map my Stilettos assembled, there’s only been hoof-traffic through that area. It’s mostly abandoned. If the Bull was there, nopony heard it leave.”         I gave her a cock-eyed smile. “Your Stilettos?”         “Yeah, mine. At least until Granny Glow is back on her hooves. You want to argue it, I can have Edina use you for whip practice.”         ----         My city felt so empty.  I longed to see crowds of ponies out enjoying the night; standing together under bus-stops, greeting their neighbors on street corners, or drinking coffee in the deserted cafés. Of course, that would have suggested a sense of normalcy and a pony had only to look up at the sky to see that things weren’t normal. If they were ever normal again, I’d probably do a little dance. Hide Park was outside of the Heights, so also outside of Stiletto territory in one of several relatively safe no-pony’s lands unclaimed by any of the city factions. The park itself was a mile of lovely, wooded greenery interwoven with paths and surrounding one of the few truly beautiful bodies of water inside Detrot.         As we approached, I could see fires through the trees and what appeared to be some kind of encampment surrounding Hidden Lake. A pair of guards stood out front of the park gates, side by side in the manner of the Royal Guard. They even had a set of slap-dash royal armor, dented and soiled. Above their heads, over the wrought iron fence, somepony had painted ‘Equestrian Free Republican Army Recruiting Ground’. The two seemed to be ignoring us.         “Do we have any reason to go into Hide Park?” I asked Taxi.         “Nope. The station is over there,” she replied, pointing towards an alley overflowing with garbage about two thirds of the way down the road.         “Good, because I think I want to avoid that bunch. Constitutional diarchy is fine for me, thanks.”         “What is a ‘Republican’?” Swift asked, scratching her mane.         “A group of opportunistic, idealistic idiots who spring up every few centuries,” Limerence grumbled. “After Nightmare Moon’s banishment, Princess Celestia attempted to abdicate the throne. A group of nobles offered her an ‘alternative’ form of government involving representative rule. A hundred years on, the entire system was so corrupted by influence brokers, bribery, and military interest that Celestia was forced to take over again.”         Swift’s eyes widened. “What...what happened to them?”         Limerence blew a strand of blonde hair away from his muzzle and rolled his eyes. “The Republicans in power at the time were bribed by weapons dealers to declare war on the griffin nation. Before the war could ensue, Celestia came out of retirement, de-escalated the conflict, and had the leaders of the movement stripped of lands and titles. Since then, every few centuries you see some fool crack a history book and fail completely to understand the lessons therein.” My partner leaned back in her seat, looking out at the two scruffy ‘guards’ standing outside the camp. “I wish I’d paid more attention in history class…” “If they taught such things in your average history class, I believe the world might be a better place,” Limerence replied. “There’s a car-park a block down that faces away from the road. Let’s head there.” ---- We parked up on the second floor from the top of the four story concrete car-park, too high for hoof-traffic to see us and hidden from any passing pegasi. It wasn’t perfect, but cover is cover and the car park was empty of anything more significant than an old station wagon; probably an oversight on the part of the little army outside, if they could be called that. I checked the overlook and I could have picked off their guards at that range with Masamane without holding my breath. Once back down at street level, we moved slowly down the block opposite Hide Park. It was a row of empty, boutique store-fronts, most with ‘tenant wanted’ signs in the windows; sad remnants of somepony trying to turn the area into a high end shopping mall. It did make a decent back-drop for a sneak-by. Granted, I don’t think the Republican Army’s guards were all that intelligent to begin with. Half-way up the street, hopping garbage can to bus stop, I realized the one on the left was actually asleep on his hooves while his companion was wreathed in a thin haze of smoke from a cigarette clenched between his teeth; Zap smoke. They probably couldn’t have guarded a grilled cheese sandwich, much less an armed camp. We still kept to the shadows until the alley, hoping there were no other would-be observers out there who might give us away. We hadn’t seen any P.A.C.T. patrols, but on the dirty streets after the Darkening it didn’t take a lightning strike or a blast of magical hellfire to put an incautious pony down. At the alley, I stepped in and drew a breath. The garbage hadn’t been collected in over a week, but there was still a little path towards the back that suggested at least some minimal movement in and out. “Sir?” “You smell that?” I asked. She sniffed at the air, then nodded. “Something smells like...burnt rubber and gym shorts.” “The Bull is here. Haven’t smelled that since Juni and I had to get ahead of a mafioso’s kid fleeing the region by air chariot after he’d killed his marefriend. Still stinks. Not half so bad as the ride, mind you.” Taxi made a soft gagging noise behind me. “I swear, she must not have had a nose when she started riding The Bull…” “Who?” Swift asked. “The conductor,” I replied. “You’re in for a treat, kid. She’s going to make you insane or be your best friend until the end of time.” “Probably both,” Taxi put in. Shoving aside a piece of sheet aluminum, I found the entrance to the hidden station. It was a pair of closed metal grates with the words ‘Express To Tartarus’ sloppily scrawled over them in spray paint. Grabbing the hoof-hold in my teeth, I hauled it open and a warm, subterranean breeze hit me in the face. The stink multiplied several times over. Taxi rooted her jar of menthol cream out of her saddlebag and offered it to me. I twisted the top off, dabbing a bit of mint scent under my nose, then passing it to Swift. Once we were all suitably armored against the stink, I pulled my trusty flashlight out of my pocket and poked it into the hole. I could make out a set of stairs and a bit of flickering, artificial light somewhere up ahead. The rickety steps were covered in a thick layer of dirt and rust, but seemed stable enough, despite a bit of groaning and squealing as I set my weight on it. Swift put a leg on mine and whispered, “Sir...are we sure this pony is safe?” “I’m as safe as they come!” If I’d had my safety off, we’d have found ourselves walking to Canterlot. Fifteen years on the force and I’d only met a hoof-full of ponies who could creep up on me. One of them was a zebra who wore a dress made of rope. Another was a serial killer with a penchant for painting in flesh. Neither of them was quite so stealthy as the cheery little earth pony filly who was standing right behind us, a bag of groceries balanced between her shoulders. For a pony who smelled as bad as she did, the Bull’s conductor was a sneaky little fiend. She was about Limerence’s height, give or take a couple inches and wearing a smock and overalls that were indescribably dirty; bright red stains and other substances best not identified streaked her entire body, matting her orange mane into a gritty mess. I’d seen her clean on one occasion and knew her fur was actually an attractive eggshell-white, but the filth clinging to her left only a couple of shades lighter than your average sewer run-off, with a few spots of her actual color showing through above her tail. The only clean bit of her was a pair of thick-lensed glasses perched on her nose that made her eyes look like she was peering at you through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars. “Mephi, I swear! I almost plugged you!” I barked, jumping away from the hole in the ground before I could pitch muzzle first into it. “You can’t sneak up on ponies like that!” “Of course I can! So long as ponies insist on being so totally oblivious, how can I not? Besides...if you shot me, that would answer so many questions!” she squeaked, turning around and setting down her groceries. “Anyway, that’s what you get for being away so long! And you, too, Miss Sweet Shine! I haven’t seen either of you in what...two weeks?” “Try five years,” I said, dryly. “Ah. Same difference!” she replied, pushing her thick-rimmed glasses to the bridge of her nose. “Time...time is irrelevant! I’ll have it cracked one day and then we’ll all live together in a big house at the end of the universe!” Dropping onto my haunches, I quickly recomposed myself. Looking over at my partner, I found her with her gun-bit in her teeth, wings spread for flight. Limerence had one hoof inside of his vest, where he was doubtless clutching something hideously lethal. “Stand down, guys. This is who we’re here to meet,” I murmured. My partner’s nose wrinkled and she took her hoof off her gun’s safety. She was trying to hide a look of disgust, but it wasn’t easy; the little mare had a scent that could be generously described as eye-watering. “Swift? Lim? May I present Mephitica...the Bull’s conductor, engineer, ticket taker, and handler.” Mephitica hopped toward and grasped both of their hooves, giving them vigorous shakes. “You can call me Mephi! I’m ever so happy to meet you! Again. Or is this the first time we’ve met? Hard to say! The magic eight ball is still turning. Come! Come! Let's get the groceries downstairs and let me clean some of this off on something that isn’t other ponies. It’s so nice to finally have some passengers!” Without waiting for a response, she snatched up her shopping and pranced down into the hole, calling back over her shoulder, “Excuse the smell! I needed to go get dinner and didn’t have time for a shower. The water has been off in this quarter for two whole days! Or...well...maybe it was never on. I can’t remember...” Her voice faded as she disappeared into the dark. Limerence and Swift both looked down at the hooves she’d shaken, then back at me before surreptitiously wiping their toes off on the floor of the alley. “Sir...I can smell that even with the mint stuff on my face!” Swift complained, covering her stomach with one hoof. “Was that dried blood all over her?” “And bile. Probably a fair bit of saliva, too. You get used to it,” I replied, then thought for a second and decided a correction was in order, “Actually, that was a lie. You’re probably going to be able to smell her every time you think about today for the rest of your life.” “It’s not her fault, really,” Taxi added at Swift’s horrified expression, pulling a half-used roll of paper towels off one of the heaps of garbage, ripping off a clean sheet and holding it out for my partner and librarian to clean themselves with. “Her job...or lifestyle or whatever you want to call it...makes it hard to worry about little things like being soaked in bodily fluids. It goes with the territory, actually.” Swift sucked her lower lip between her teeth and turned to me. “Sir...what does she mean?” I considered telling her. I really did. For all of two seconds. “You know, kid, I think I currently owe you one. In fact, I’m going to have our sweet host take you on a little tour of our accommodations once we’re underway. You’ll have a blast.” “Why do I suddenly not trust you, Sir?” “Because you’re getting wiser in your old age.” ---- The four of us descended, following the smell of Mephitica with a certain amount of reluctance on Swift’s part. Limerence seemed to be relatively at ease, but then he had an inkling of what he was in store for. Taxi—who was carrying our provisions—was either unflapped or pretending so hard she was risking a sprain. The stairway was unlit, but high enough that none of us were required to duck. My flashlight played over tiled walls and broken light fixtures set in little nooks on either side of the steps. It spoke to an era of dreams long since dead and buried. “Sir? What was all this?” Swift asked, pausing to touch a badly tarnished metal plaque inlaid into the wall. It said ‘Station #165’ in looping letters and numerals. “A big idea that didn’t work near so well as everypony hoped,” I replied. “Back during the war, the Princesses figured it might be worthwhile if there was a massive train network under the whole of Equestria that the dragons couldn’t destroy and that would be safe from the overland predators. It was a pretty good notion, actually, if it’d worked.” Swift spread her wings a little and shook the dust from them, then asked, “Why didn’t it?” “Honestly? I don’t know,” I replied. “Seems like it should have.” Limerence spoke up, dragging his hoof along the wall then examining the dust. “Money, Detective. The issue was one of money. Half-way through the project, the corporation in charge went bankrupt. Their resources, particularly the steel they were laying, was re-purposed for the construction of weapons. After the war, the public rather lost interest. No call for it with the national highway network developing as it was. It left a significant number of stations and rails, but few desirable destinations; largely army bases, far removed cities like our own, and so on.” “Huh. I guess it makes sense they gave it to the Bull,” I murmured as we reached the bottom of the stairs and started down a long hall. Every few meters the words ‘Station #165’ were carved into the wall. “It’s not as though it wasn’t deserved.” “Indeed. I do find it odd nopony has attempted to occupy these tunnels...” “Not that odd,” I said. “They’re usually sealed unless the Bull is there and if it is, the smell keeps most ponies away. It’d take a bit more than a pair of bolt cutters to get through that grate upstairs.” The smell was getting stronger the closer we got to the source. Down in the subterranean environs, with no fans running to disperse it, the stink was strong enough to choke a goat; sweat, blood, rotten cheese, and a hint of slightly old legumes. At last, we reached the final step and the tunnel opened out. “Sir...Sir, what’s that noise?” Swift asked, in a whisper. I cocked an ear and grinned. From somewhere ahead, I could hear a soft rumble that shook through the floor under my hooves. After several seconds it would pause, then a sound like a piping tea-kettle buried under several pillows would roll through the hall. “That would be our ride, kid.” Cantering ahead a little quicker, I finally saw the end of the hall. Buzzing white fluorescent light poured through an arch with a faded banner dangling from a bit of string down one side. I could just make out the words ‘Equestrian Subway Grand Opening!’ in yellowed script on the old canvas. “Huh...I suppose somepony tried to celebrate,” Taxi commented. “That or somepony had a big party planned and nopony showed up.” “I imagine one of the steelworkers hung it as a joke the day they were all fired. I would have,” I replied. We emerged into a long room with a few benches set alongside a high platform and a pair of parallel rails coming out one tunnel and disappearing into another. Every surface was layered in white tile that caught the light from the flickering fluorescent tubes overhead; brutal, simple, styling, but extremely durable and designed to survive a prolonged exposure to a public that’d never come. The ‘chuff chuff’ of an engine rattled the benches in their fittings and I felt Swift bump into my side as she unconsciously drew in close, peering in all directions. She had the Hailstorm draped across her back, but the turrets weren’t moving and it didn’t seem to be charged. If it was, I would have worried strenuously for what was about to happen. With a clatter that shook the nails in my shoes, the mighty engine number zero-zero-one moved into sight. I swallowed and shut my eyes as a blast of steam that smelled like hot morning breath washed over my body. In the dim light of the station, it was difficult to make out the whole of the beast. The vague outlines of an old style, coal driven steam locomotive could be seen through the thick fog roiling around us. Swift trotted forward, curiously waving at the air in front of her muzzle to try to get a better look as condensation began to form in my fur that smelled just as bad as everything else. “Sir? It’s...it’s just a train, right?” she asked as the Bull came to a stop. Reaching out, she tapped one of the rails running down the side of the central boiler. An eyeball—iris red as a rose and pupil as big as Swift’s head—slowly opened on the surface of the engine. It blinked down at her, then squinted. The giant eye and my tiny partner regarded one another calmly for several seconds before Swift let out a soft keening noise somewhere between a whimper and a sob. I trotted over and sat down beside her as a vent just below the boiler that strongly resembled a nostril spat a bit of humid air in our direction. After a moment and having decided we were neither threat nor food, the eye shut again. Now that the atmosphere was starting to clear a bit, there were more details to be made out, but I wanted to take those slow lest we risk a complete, catastrophic pegasus failure. Gathering her against my chest, I held her close to wait. Finally she whispered, “Sir...Sir, the train looked at me…”         “Yes, kid.”         “No, Sir...you don’t understand,” she moaned, pushing at my chest a little for emphasis. “The train. It looked at me.” “Yes, it did. You got any meat on you?” Swift nodded, numbly. I stuck my hoof into the front pocket of her combat vest, tugged out one of her packages of jerky, separated a strip, and held it to her muzzle. Almost on autopilot, she took it and began chewing. A moment later, her shoulders started to relax. “You good?” I asked. “No, Sir.” “Alright, then,” I turned and looked up towards the engine compartment. “Hey! Mephi! Get your flank down here!” A voice directly behind my left shoulder asked, “Down where, Detective?” I only jumped a little that time. Turning away from the locomotive and dragging Swift around with me so she wasn’t facing it, I forced a smile. “Mephi...I’m going to put a bell on you.” “Oh! I have a bell! Would you like me to get it?” Mephitica squeaked, bouncing up on the tips of her hooves. A thin layer of something slimy was dripping from her rear-legs, pooling on the floor. “I was just about to have a wash and then we can be going. This has been a lovely disaster, but I have others I want to see and I think it’s time we go check some of those out! I can show you my bell!”  “That’ll be fine. First, we’ve got a little case of shock here—” I gestured at Swift, glancing over to find Limerence inspecting one of the train’s struts while Taxi applied more of her mint mixture to her nose. “—who could probably use an explanation for our transport.” “Oh? Shock? My favorite!” Mephitica chirped, dancing forward and taking Swift’s hooves in hers. “You’re in shock? I like shock! It’s the best of feelings. It’s very receptive to a shocking world, isn’t it? I better tell you about Ol’ Horny here so you can be shocked some more!” Swift’s ears slowly rose, then a tiny smile snuck onto her face. “Ol’ Horny? Really?” “Yep! Because, you know, horns?” Mephi cackled, pointing vaguely towards the front of the train with her tail. Her curiosity finally overcoming her terror, Swift edged sideways around the little mare to get a better look at the engine. The Bull was, at least superficially, like any other train. Six enormous wheels, a chimney on the top, and a compartment behind the boiler for the conductor. The resemblance very quickly broke down once a pony started examining the intimate details. Aside the smell, which was like a milk parlor that had been drenched in testosterone, the Bull radiated a heat greater than just the boiler could account for. The ruddy red surface covering the engine seemed to shift in the air-currents. It was a pelt stretched over a superstructure that was too curvaceous and irregular for it to be entirely metal. Several bulges at differing intervals up and down the sides shifted and rolled, though two of the smaller ones closest to us were open; they were additional eyes, all fixated on a different pony. At the front, rather than a cow-catcher, a row of curved tusks jutted down from under the engine. “It’s...it’s a cow,” Swift muttered. “Did...did this used to be a cow?” The train let out a noise like a thousand ponies all simultaneously blowing a raspberry and a gob of something black shot from somewhere, spattering Swift from ankles to ears. She stood there, eyes wide and her muzzle scrunched as she made what I’m sure was a concerted effort to climb out of her own skin. “Oooh, he doesn’t like it when you call him a cow, honey bun. Be glad he decided to go with a warning shot this time,” Mephi giggled as she offered my partner a towel. “T-t-that was a wa-warning shot?” Swift choked out, then gagged, trying vigorously to scrape the disgusting mess off her chest with the towel. “Oh, yeah,” I chuckled, trotting over to help her. “An actual shot would have been a piece of flaming coal in your mane.” “He’s not a cow, he’s a bull,” Mephi explained. “Meet Captain Cord Breaker, veteran of the Crusades and now, fastest train there may ever be! Even the Crystal Express would be left in his dust! Teeheee! I’ve got to get them for a side by side race one day, just to see for sure! I mean, assuming we don’t all die soon. If that happens, maybe I’ll get my race in the next iteration of the universe!” Limerence tilted one ear in Mephitica’s direction. “Ahem...pardon, Miss Mephitica. Did you say ‘veteran’? My research didn’t indicate a military background for this train.” “Oh! He wasn’t a train back then. Captain Cord Breaker was a minotaur who fought alongside Equestria’s tenth brigade!” The conductor chuckled and several of the train’s eyes nearest us rolled in a little circle. Swift wiped a bit of whatever the foul substance was out of her mane and shuddered. “H-he was a minotaur? H-h-how’d he end up like...like that?” Mephi, agile as a cat, swung herself up onto one of the hoof-rails on the Bull’s chassis, then clambered up onto his roof where she sat, petting a spot between two tall, circular stacks. The engine made a sound that one might almost sounded like a purr, if the purring creature in question were the size of a lorry. “He lost all his bits in a dragon raid. Well, all the non-essential breathing and screaming for merciful death bits, anyway,” she answered, crossing her hooves one over the other. “When somepony offered him the chance to have a body again, even if it wasn’t exactly...you know...the same shape as the old one, he hop, skip, and jumped on it! I mean, wouldn’t you? He’s a train! How awesome is that?” “Yes, but, if I may...why a train?” Limerence asked. “Why not a train?” “Aaand that’s the best answer you’re going to get, Lim. Believe me,” I said, cutting off further questioning. I was fairly eager to get underway, even if ‘underway’ meant more unpleasantness. “Meph, can we come aboard?” “Tickets! I need tickets. Do you have tickets?” she demanded eagerly, hopping down from her perch. “Mephi, you do know we’re in the middle of what might well constitute the end of all life as we know it, right?”         “Yes! Fantastic, isn’t it? Speaking of apocalypses, where is your cute friend? The one with the green mane. Shouldn’t he be here doing the talking? You used to be quieter.”         Taxi coughed into her hoof and Swift looked uncomfortable while Limerence gave them both a confused glance.         “Ahem...Juniper Shores died in the line of duty,” I replied, forcing myself to be calm.         Mephi’s expression didn’t dim in the slightest. “Oh! Good for him! I thought he might. Well, have you talked lately? It’s smart to keep in contact with your friends.”         I didn’t know exactly what I should say to that. Had she known Juniper was still hanging about? One never knew with Mephi. She lived in a train with which she had a quasi-romantic, codependent relationship. It was impossible to say just what she might and might not know.         “I’m...not going to answer that, if you don’t mind. So, tickets?” She nodded so quickly I thought she might give herself a concussion. “Yep! Do you have some?” “We’re going to Canterlot, which is likely to be, if anything, an even bigger disaster than this one. You in?” Mephi’s eyes went wide and she danced in place. “Ooooh, that’s a pretty good ticket! I’d been intending to go there next anyways! Ponies with guns might make it even more explody!” Tapping the side of the cabin, she held on as the train inched forward a couple of meters to reveal the front end of the ‘passenger’ car. My breath caught in my throat as a few painfully vivid memories of my last journey on the Bull crept back into the front of my consciousness. The carriage rolled along on four gigantic wheels of the same strange, blackened metal as the rest of the monster. It was humped at the top, with a row of oddly opaque windows that shimmered like an insect’s wings, surrounded on all sides by thick, furry hide. At the back on one side, a set of metal steps jutting out from under the behemoth that had the look of having grown straight from the creature’s flesh led up to a solid oak door that seemed entirely out of place, as though it was installed after whatever transformation had rendered Cord Breaker into his current form; it was the only part of the entire creature that wasn’t either the unusual metal or covered in fuzzy skin. As we watched the great monster inhaled and a pair of what might have been bellows or possibly enormous lungs inflated under the car, letting out that distinctive whistle as they emptied a moment later alongside a snort of smelly steam.         “Sir...we...cannot possibly...be riding in that,” Swift gasped, her throat clenching as she fought to keep her lunch down.         I clapped her on the back and she staggered forward, barely catching herself on the edge of the rail. “Heh, buck up kid! At worst, you’ll vomit for six hours today, with a little break in between.” Raising my head, I shouted, “Mephi! Open the back!”         The wooden door swung outward and Mephitica grinned, poking her muzzle out. She looked significantly cleaner than she had just a moment ago, her white fur freshly washed and her overalls laundered. She wore a very official looking blue cap with a gold watch tucked in the brim.  “I’m here, Detective! Sorry for the wait. Had to get a shower! Anyway, welcome to the Express to Canterlot!” I felt three sets of eyes on me, waiting for me to move. For all teasing Swift about the inevitable was fun, I really didn’t want to move. Getting onto that train was just below reliving Juniper’s death in the grand scheme of things I didn’t want to do, but I’d already done that. ‘Well, your day can only go uphill from here, right?’ I trotted over to the steps and swallowed, trying to hold my breath as I stepped onto the bottom stair, then into a railway car that resembled a thoracic cavity a little too closely for comfort. Studying the interior, I compared it to my memories of my last ride. Mephitica had added a few comforts since then, including a little curtained area with a chemical toilet and a few benches. The walls were just as fluffy as everything else and, if anything, a bit more-so. Low humps of scruffy flesh roughly the height of chairs lined the walls and overhead, two rows of Hearth’s Warming Eve lights dangled just below the ceiling for a bit of light. At the far end, another wooden door led up to the engine compartment. I did my best to ignore what I was standing on. That way lay madness. ‘It’s just a carpet,’ I thought, swallowing. ‘Oh Celestia, it’s a carpet with a pulse! No...No, Hardy, we are not having a freak out. You bought this particular ticket. Now take the ride.’ Mephitica, who’d been standing there patiently waiting as I took in the effluvium, thrust something towards me; it was a metal pail with ‘Puke Bucket’ painted neatly on the side. “I think I’m good, Mephi. Thanks, though,” I said, waving her back. “I like what you’ve done with the place.” Hooking the bucket over her hoof, she gestured toward a low cabinet at the back that hadn’t been there last I rode. “We’ve got drinks! Make yourselves comfortable and I’ll go feed the boiler, then we can get underway.” “You mind bringing us back when we’re done in Canterlot?” I asked. She shook her head and set the pail down beside the door. “Return trip is part of the ticket, but we won’t be back to Detrot for a while after that. I want to go see everything that’s gone wrong everywhere! You sure you don’t want to come?” “As pleasant as touring the disasters my country has become sounds, I think we’ll pass.” “Oh well! Your loss! All aboard!”