We pull up in front of the restaurant just off the corner of Wilshire and 6th. As I get out of the car, I can’t help but notice the sign, a wooden-looking pub sign with goldleaf, ornate painting and uncial lettering that said something in Irish that I can’t read.
“Trádáil Chothrom,” I hear Moon say. “Irish for ‘A Fair Trade’.”
“When did you learn Irish?” I asked her.
“I didn’t.” She holds up her phone. “Googled it while you were parking.” As we look at the faux-Tudor façade of the restaurant, she asks me, “Can we take a vacation to Ireland some day? I was looking at some pictures on the way and it reminds me a lot of the Everfree plains.” She sighs and adds, “They’re...they’re gone now. There’s some obscenely huge forest where the plains used to be, and….” I can feel her sorrow from here; it’s clearly something that happened during her time tied to Luna and the grief is still haunting her.
I reach out and lift her chin, so her eyes are level with mine. “Anything for you, beautiful, you know that.”
“I love you,” she says to me, and I know that – I can feel every iota of those words, that emotion, all very much intended for me. Whether alicorn or human, this bright life, this person named Moon loves me and I am a blessed man for that. And with that, I open the door and we go in.
It’s not what I expected at all. Just before I met Moon, I attended an award show for LA-based tech journalists. It was at an authentic Irish pub, and by authentic, I guess they meant enough kelly green to give someone color blindness, waiters with horrible accents, a bar that only served Guinness and Killians, and an off-brand stereo system that played nothing but The Pogues, U2, The Cranberries and Sinéad O'Connor, maybe Enya and Clannad during the holidays. That is not what we stepped into. Instead, we walked into a posh restaurant and bar that looked like it should have been over in Malibu or closer to the shore. David Bowie’s “Bring Me the Disco King,” a jazz-inflected track, played on the well-hidden audio system. A quick glance at the bar showed Guinness and Killians, but also stuff like Samuel Adams and a dozen other things. The bartender, a cutie with short black hair and green eyes, flashed us a smile before wordlessly going back to her job.
“Your highness, Lord Shores, if you’ll follow me please.” I turned to see Molloy’s errand boy, Eamon, standing there looking contrite and subdued. Was he afraid that Moon was going to bite his head off? While that would be a sight to see, I’m very sure cannibalism isn’t one of Moon’s quirks, so we follow him over to a place where Paddy is sitting down, poring over some documents.
“Ah, your highness and Lord Shores, top of the morning t’ ye both,” he says, a wide smile on his face that makes it clear he’s up to something.
Moon doesn’t give him a chance as she sits down into her seat. “Let’s just dispense with the bullshit and get started, okay?”
The woman from earlier sets down coffee before us, then platters of English breakfast – or Irish breakfast, given the décor. She then kisses Paddy on the cheek, gives us another smile and walks off. “You’ll have to excuse her,” he tells us and surprisingly, his voice is soft. “M’ wee sister, Aileen. She would’ve been a throwback herself, but she burned out all her power when she was but a wee babe, and unfortunately it took her ability t’ speak, too.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Moon tells him; frankly, I am too. Regardless of whether her brother’s a scum-sucking dirtbag, that’s not Aileen’s fault. Besides, she’s cute and my type.
«I thought I was your type?» I hear Moon say over our telepathic link and I reach over and give her hand a squeeze. I know she’s doing it just to tease me, but that’s no reason why I shouldn’t let her know how much I love her.
“Would you like me to see if there’s anything I can do for her?” Moon offers, but Molloy shakes his head.
“I dunna what can be done after so long,” he says. “B’sides, she’s happy and so long’s she’s happy, I’m fine with that, ye ken?” He then looks in the direction where we came from and said, “Ah, an’ here’s the last o’ our coffee klatch, as ye Americans say.”
Moon and I turn to see a woman coming towards us. She’s dressed in a suit like Eamon, and like Eamon, it’s clear that it’s more a uniform than anything else. Her muscles seem to ripple on it, and her long blonde hair trails behind her like a banner. Her blue eyes are piercing and I swear if I wasn’t tied to Moon, I’d be asking for her phone number. Just in case, I give Moon’s hand an extra squeeze, and she just gives me that look out of the corner of her eyes.
Ah the bane of being a faithful guy in a relationship: you can window shop, but you can’t test out the merchandise.
The mystery woman sits down at the table, waving to Aileen as the latter brings her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon. Without looking at us, she says, “My name’s Arturia. You can call me just that – no Artie, Arts, Turi or whatever. Also, if you make a single Fate Stay/night joke or whatever, I’ll rip your fucking balls off.” I have no idea what she’s talking about, so I leave it be.
Molloy chuckles and says, “Arturia’s one of our American-born employees. Handles security. Also, one of the few with the natural talent we register.”
Arturia looks at him and says, “Not your fucking dog and pony show, Molloy.”
“Ah, but you’re one of us, lass. Plus, may I remind you who signs your paycheck?”
She grunts, then sighs. As we look at her, she becomes a black woman, then a young Japanese schoolgirl complete with uniform, then a redhead in a stunning cocktail dress, then an old woman in a baggy cardigan, than a fat, homeless woman in tattered threadbare clothing. “Woof fucking woof,” she says as she makes her final change, into that of Moon.
“That’s enough,” Moon says firmly to Arturia.
“No shit.” Arturia changes back to herself, and rubs her head. “That shit takes a lot out of me.” She flags Aileen and points at her food before she goes back to eating, but now chowing down like she’s starving.
Molloy, unperturbed, looks at us and says, “She comes t’ us by way of the FBI.”
“Mphf,” she says, talking with her mouth full. She swallows quick and says, “Okay, here’s the deal: I’m your new executive assistant-slash-bodyguard and the HIVE is picking up the bill. Given that I’m assigned to you permanently, I’ll be available at your beck and call, but let’s get a few things straight: one, I won’t answer my phone while I’m trying to sleep. Two, I eat a lot when I shapeshift, because I’m no throwback and don’t have the ability. Three, I’m your assistant, not your concubine, so don’t expect me to fuck either of you or both, that’s not my job. Or,” she says with a hint of a smile, “at least buy me a couple of drinks first. Oh, and lastly, if I do sleep with you, no preggers. I like keeping my body as is, got that?”
Moon looks at Molloy and says, “Assigning or dumping?”
The man shrugs. “Either or,” he drawls, and that’s as much of an admission as anything.
Arturia reaches into her jacket and pulls out a dossier; the way she does it makes it clear that she used to be a Fed, I guess. “Grabbed the file this morning: Eugenia Ranson—”
“Eugenia?” Moon says, her voice on the clear verge of laughing; a second later, she does, and I have to admit, I’m near it myself. “Eugenia? The bitch going after my guy is named Eugenia?”
“Yes, and the female variant of Arthur is usually Altria, not Arturia,” our new bodyguard says, a hint of offense in her tone. “Anyways, Eugenia Mildred Ranson, born in Inwood, West Virginia, goes by Destiny Ranson, lives in Pico Rivera. Has a female roommate that she’s rumored to be sleeping with, or so say the folks in her apartment complex. Works as a mid-level stripper in Whittier at a Gentleman’s Club that the local police suspect is also a nexus for prostitution. Has a boa constrictor named Steely Dan. Also has one of the few revolving credit accounts at Desyre, an adult novelty store off Whittier Boulevard in Pico Rivera. Not surprisingly, the owner of the store is her roommate.” She finished off her plate, then thanked Aileen before starting into the second one. “Oh and before you ask how I know all this shit? He asked me to do some digging,” she said, pointing her fork at Molloy.
“I said I knew all about you two,” Molloy admits, though he doesn’t seem to have the same bravado as when he said it just before Moon made him void his bowels.
“Okay, so what’s the price of all this?” Moon asks him, but I interject.
“Okay, Molloy, don’t give us the bullshit you’ve already got in your head. You don’t give up an asset like Arturia here just for nothing; I’ve known and interviewed more than enough people in law enforcement and military intelligence to know she’s worth her weight in whatever six-figure salary you’re giving her just to leave the FBI. So, while Moon may be relying on her royal charm to be coy about it, I’m just some dumb ‘Murican, so just cut your gut open and spill whatever the fuck it is before it gets to the filter.”
Arturia claps. “Maybe I might change my mind on the pregnancy thing.”
“You,” Moon snaps, “shut up, now.” She then turns to Molloy and says, “I am done playing games, Molloy. What do you want?”
He sighed, something I expected, followed something I didn’t – the truth. “From our secret getting out before people get killed. Arturia?”
She fishes out a second folder and says, “There’s a movie production going on in Guleph, Ontario; horror production if I understand correctly. There was a mysterious murder in the town, person was grayed out. Since we all know what that means, one of the actors involved in the production immediately called our branch office in Toronto – she’s a throwback and she didn’t want to be accused of a crime she didn’t commit, she says. We need someone with the skills to get in there and investigate, but with the power to stop an all-out queen without bringing everything down on us.”
“Sorry, I don’t do X-Files,” she tells them. I’m wondering if it was a good idea to tell her about that.
“Look, Princess Luna,” Arturia tells her, “I’m not going to give you the same line of bullshit I’d give Molloy here. We need your help, because if the locals turn it over to the Mounties? Well, they probably have an X-Files unit as well – oh, and the unit is real by the way; the TV show’s just bullshit. Anyway, if they uncover the reason for her outstanding acting ability, then things will turn into a real X-Files shitfest and the Bureau and anyone else will be crawling up yours, mine, and everyone you know’s collective asses. That’s not a threat, Princess – that’s the truth. I know you were responsible for the first real queen we’ve had in centuries and I know that she’s like a sister to you, Mr. Shores. Do you really want to see her hurt because you ‘don’t do X-Files’?”
“No, I’ll do it,” she says, and I feel her reach over and squeeze my hand. “And what will you do in return?”
To my annoyance – yes, it’s annoying me, I don’t know why – she changes into Moon and gets out of her chair. Leaning against me, she says in Moon’s voice, “Well, my boyfriend and I are going to go home and live our normal lives. In between that, I’ll see what I can dig up on Destiny. Meanwhile, you get to peek and poke around the most rural of Can-Can land and see if you can catch us a killer.”
Moon sighs. “I don’t like this plan, I really don’t.”
“Princess, think of this as like the meaning of the pub: it’s a fair trade. You do this for the HIVE and you get my services permanently.” She smiles and leans against me in a manner that’s making me very uncomfortable. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep him warm for you.”
Her eyes turn a solid white and I know Moon has had her limit. “Unhand him now,” she says in a voice that’s reverberating, “or plan to enjoy thine new home atop the moon, does thou ken?”
To my surprise, she gets off me and changes back to her normal self as she goes back to her food. “Jealous type,” she says with a smile. “I like that. Makes it a challenge.”
Did I mention I really hate this idea?
We finally leave the pub and...well, I’m walking. Moon’s stomping out. “That bitch,” she seethes.
“Moon, I—” I begin, but I know I’m not even going to finish the phrase, much less the sentence.
Not surprising me, Moon glomps me and holds me close. What does surprise me is that I can feel her shaking as I wrap my arms around her.
“Just don’t,” she says. “Just hold me and tell me you love me.”
“You know I do, Moon,” I tell her. She looks at me and I said, “What’s wrong?”
“Her voice, and her thoughts,” Moon says, and I can see the wetness in her eyes. “She was broadcasting her thoughts: she’s very attracted to you, and everything she said was a joke right up until the sex comments. But it wasn’t just that. It was her voice, that damn voice….”
“What about her voice?”
“I’m sorry. I just felt her thoughts and heard her voice and well….” She wipes her eyes and says, “I know it’s silly, but it felt like Celestia was here herself to take you away from me.”
“What? No. Look, she’s cute, yeah...but you’re my girl, Moon, not her. I love you, and we have been together a year now, or half again that if you want to talk when we were just roommates.”
“Magical orange juice and all?” she says with a soft smile and it makes my world light up brighter than the 10 AM sun above us right now.
“Even if you want a mirror custom made for Lord Samsung,” I say and she chuckles.
We hear a clap behind us. We turn around to see Arturia standing there, no longer dressed in a business outfit, but a tan camisole and brown skirt. I’d say it looks cute on her, but I really don’t want to rock the boat like that. “You two look great together, you know that?” she tells us, and I can already feel Moon scowl and want to rip her head off.
“Look,” she says, “I’m sorry. I came on a little too hard and...well, people say I’m an asshole with a horrible sense of humor. Plus, even if he’s my boss, I fucking hate Molloy, and his errand boy O’Hogan’s no better. If it wasn’t for Aileen, I’d quit this job, even with what they’re paying me. But...she’s my best friend since we met in college; did a year studying in Ireland and that’s how we met.” She chuckled and added, “Wanted to see my family roots, both Irish and, well, you know. Look, let’s start over.” She offered her hand and said, “I’m Celestia Arturia Moynihan, but I prefer it if you just called me Arturia, because frankly, I hate my first name and my middle name’s only marginally better.”
Moon took her hand and shook. “Believe me, I’d prefer to call you that as well. I...have problems with your first name, no offense.”
“I understand, Princess. My grandmother used to tell me the stories, even if my parents didn’t really believe them.” She then turned to me and offered her hand as well. “Look, the Princess already picked up on it, so I’ll admit it: yes, I think you’re hot and if you were single, you wouldn’t have left without my phone number and email. But really, I’m not that kind of woman and even if I was, I suspect I’d come in distant second against the competition. So no hard feelings?”
I took her hand and shook. “None taken.”
“So now that we’re actually out of Molloy’s presence, let’s lay down the real truth: he pays me, but I work for you, period – and that means that I work for you even if that means he wants me to turn against you or whatever. The HIVE might be my employer and distant relatives, but I put a high price on my integrity and that is not for sale. So that being said, based on all the research I’ve done on Destiny Ranson, she’s a nutty whore who will fixate on you until she gets some other dick in her. Why did you sleep with her, anyway?”
“What?”
“That’s what our interview with her roommate says. Actually, her roommate’s interested in a three-way and wonders why you haven’t come around.” The look on my face must’ve made clear what I thought about all of that, because she shrugs and goes on to the next part. “Next, it’ll be me and Princess Luna going to Canada, not staying here with you. I’m sure you don’t need a Luna lookalike in your life if it’s not her, she’d probably feel better about it and truth be told, I could live without the temptation.”
“You were serious about that?” I ask her.
“It’s Molloy, of course she’s serious, love,” Moon tells me.
“Yeah. I was there when Taylor – that’s the actress, Taylor Andrews – called us.”
“Wait, Taylor Andrews is a throwback?” I can’t help it; my journalistic instincts kick in. Taylor Andrews is one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood under the age of thirty and if she’s a changeling, then…. I think about it and let it go just as quickly as I dug it up.
“Yeah, she is,” Arturia says frostily.
“I take it you know her?” Moon asks.
Arturia nods. “Half-sister, actually. We have different mothers: my mother died in a car accident not long after I was born. My aunt – my mother’s sister – helped my dad get through the early days, one thing led to another and…well, let’s just say that family gatherings can be really awkward. Still, Taylor’s my kid sister and I’m proud of her. So, yeah, it’s kinda personal, Princess.”
“Moon, if you please. All my friends call me Moon.”
Finally, Arturia smiles and I think it’s the first genuine one I’ve seen out of her. “I just have one last question, if you don’t mind, Mr. Shores.”
“Sure, fire away.”
“You don’t happen to have a twin brother, do you? If I can’t have you, I don’t mind settling for second place.”
We leave before Moon can finish laughing her ass off.
Dinner tonight is terse, to say the least. “Honestly, love,” Moon says, ruffling her feathers as she eats a bite of veggie lo mein, “I’m not offended that you found her attractive. If you want to know the truth, since I’ve adjusted to the human lifestyle, I’ve found a few guys easy on the eyes, but I know you and I belong together. Besides,” she says with a grin, “I can’t find any other guy who doesn’t complain about my molting or all the fur I leave around the house.”
“Believe me, I’ve gotten used to that. And besides, you know that I couldn’t love anyone else but you,” I say as I’m looking into those gorgeous slitted eyes of hers. After all this time, I find them fascinating and attractive. Also, she’s stuck with them unless she’s wearing her eyeglasses, so I have to get used to it.
“Flatterer,” she says off-handedly. “So I guess Arturia and I will go to Canada – excuse me, ahem, ‘my homeland’,” she says with a grin, “and keep an eye out for her sister. Don’t worry, though, I’m not staying in the hotel room if I can avoid it. I don’t mind flying back and forth for you. Besides, I have to practice for Pacific War – and that means practicing with a whole lotta shooters and I can’t do that in my hotel room.”
I’d almost forgotten about that: Pacific War. Square Enix is putting out a new MMOFPS, Gunslinger Infinite, and they’ve asked some of the top gamers from around the world to compete to show it off before it’s released to the public. Naturally Moon is one of the people who was selected as part of the American contingent – they’re taking people from all over the world. I wonder how they’d react if they knew that by picking Moon, they’re pulling not only from all over the world but from other dimensions as well?
“You don’t have to make that kind of effort, sweetheart. You’re going to be busy enough as is, and I don’t want you to wear out on my account. Plus, this is your chance to get to know Arturia and see if she’s on the up and up.”
“I’m sure she is, but you just got back from Barcelona two days ago and we’re already going to be separated again?” She pouts and I have to admit, as cute as she is when she pouts as a human, it’s positively cavity-forming when she does it as a pony. “I was hoping that you’d come with us.”
“I wish I could, but Cherry has to head out of town herself for some business meetings in New York and she wants a senior staffer on hand in case the apocalypse comes. Given that I just got back from my ‘vacation’, I got to draw the short end of the stick. Besides, it’s only going to be a few days or so – I don’t think you’ll be out there for weeks on end. If Arturia is actually as good as she says she is, then it shouldn’t take long at all.”
“I am so going to hate sleeping alone in a bed thousands of miles away from you,” she sighs.
“I know, but doesn’t absence make the heart grow fonder?” I say with a wink, and she giggles. Corny, but she likes it.
She finishes her last bite and tells me, “Now don’t pig out tonight, okay? I’m baking a pie and I don’t want you to miss out on it because you overate.” I shake my head and chuckle; as usual, she’s playing domestic goddess because she’s either trying to butter me up or make me feel better. I step away from the table, then go over and kiss her on her furry cheek. She leans into the kiss and nuzzles me. Yes, it goes without saying that we don’t have the most normal of relationships, but at this point, I wouldn’t trade the world for her. And if that Celestia alicorn ever shows her face around my girl? I don’t know what I’ll do...but it won’t be pleasant, I can assure you.
We collapse into contented sighs as we finish our lovemaking. I don’t ever want to sound like I’m comparing her to Rachel – and I would never do that to either of them – but Moon and I tend to be a bit randier at night than Rachel and I ever were. Maybe it’s because Moon is a lunar goddess and she’s used to it. Maybe our lovemaking is some sort of ritual. Maybe it’s just a form of worship to her. Or maybe we’re just both horny as hell. Either way, it’s part of the way we express how much we love each other. And part of me is sickened by how Destiny would have treated it as just some sort of game, no matter how she felt. Coupling...well, maybe I’m old fashioned in that sense, but it’s about two people giving the ultimate expression of love, of two bodies uniting as one.
I feel the touch of her fingers, and her contented sigh. Her eyes are glowing, turquoise gems with a black line down the middle. “So, are you sure you’re going to be okay while I’m gone?”
“You know, somehow I managed to survive between losing Rachel and meeting you; I’m pretty sure that I can last a week or two, given that I’m in a better place now. After a week, though, either I’m going to have to call Katie or Carrie for help, or else you’ll have to read about the feral man who’s running down Beach Boulevard naked and hunting down stray pets for food.”
She laughs. “I’d almost pay to see that.” She then changes and drapes a wing over me. “But personally, I think I like being the only one seeing you naked, good sir.”
“So long as it’s just you,” I tell her, and I can barely hear her words of how much she loves me before I drift off to sleep.
The dream...I know I’m dreaming, right?
How do I know I’m dreaming? Moon, hon, what are you up to?
“Do not call us ‘hon’, for thou do not know us.” I hear that voice, clear as day, and I know it’s my girlfriend’s, but...at the same time it’s not. There’s a slightly different timbre to it, something both hesitant and self-assured at the same time. Plus, Moon got out of using the majestic plural ages ago.
“Where is it?” I hear the voice ask me, and I turn. I can see her there. No, it’s not her – it’s her. Somehow, it’s Princess Luna. “Where is the Nightmare?” She seems to look around, as if she cannot see me. She walks past me and I can see every bit of her, like a funhouse version of my own girl. Only it’s the more normal-appearing look to her eyes and the scowl on her face that makes it clear she’s not my love.
“Do not hide from us; I can smell her stink on thee!” she growls impatiently and ruffles her feathers. All of these motions are the same as my girl’s...but seeing them on Luna seems so very wrong. I’m not sure which mare did it first, but I can sure as hell know which one I’m more familiar with.
“Leave her alone,” I venture. “Haven’t you done enough to her?”
“Done enough to her?” I hear the angry reply. “Done enough to her? Ha! That thing, that monster claims to have a persona, a gender? Nay, that is nothing but an insect worth killing, a trifle that must be disposed of! It haunts and vexes us, but we will be assured that it will be dead by our hooves!”
“Leave her alone,” I say in a firmer voice. “Leave Moon alone now or else—”
“Or else what?” She turns to look at me...or rather in my direction; somehow she still cannot see me. “Or else what, shade? What can thou do to us that it has not already done to us for centuries? What?”
“That’s my final warning,” I say, taking a step forward. “Leave her alone, no—”
“—w,” I finish as I sit up. Looking at me is a terrified Moon in alicorn form, the fur around her eyes wet with tears. Outside, I can see the sun rising. The sun? Wait, wasn’t it just midnight a few seconds ago?
She holds me close and sobs, “That was too close! I won’t let her have you, I won’t!”
“Moon, what happened?” I ask her as I hold her close. It takes a few more seconds for her to calm down and look at me. “Moon, honey, what happened?”
“Dimensional rift opened above the house,” she explains. “Happens all the time, part of the natural order of things, sooner or later scientists will find them – they often don’t last long enough to detect with current tech. But one just happened to open above the house…and she reached in. And she sensed me – and then she went after you.”
I caress her cheek with my hand, running the back of it softly across her ebon fur. “I’m okay. And even if I wasn’t, I know you’d come in guns blazing after me.”
“Like Dirty Harry, Jason Bourne and Rambo combined,” she insists. “But now she knows I exist. And that means that she’ll start looking. What’s going to happen then?”
“Then she’ll have to deal with the fact that I’m not letting you go. And if she doesn’t like it, tough shit,” I assure Moon.
It takes the next couple of hours for me to calm her down to let her know that I’ll be fine and that she should be able to travel without worrying, reminding her that it took fractions of a second for her to act when she thought that Katie was out to harm me. If Luna, or whomever, invades from their home dimension, they’ve got so much more to worry about than just Moon. Finally, she relaxes enough to get dressed and get ready.
While she’s doing so, I get a knock on the door and it’s Arturia, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. “Nice place you got here,” she tells me. “I also took the liberty to add some perimeter spikes to the front yard” she adds, holding some sprinkler-shaped high-tech device up. “If you don’t mind, I’ll add them to the backyard. That way if someone who doesn’t fit the biometric profile shows up, HIVE security can be here within minutes.”
“Be my guest,” I tell her and point her to the backyard just as Moon shows up. Dressed in a long-sleeve shirt and jeans, she looks beautiful as always, but I can see that she still has concerns on her face. When I explain that Arturia’s laying down security measures, she breathes a sigh of relief.
“I don’t know what’s worse,” she tells me. “Destiny doing stupid shit here, or Luna trying to break in from Equestria.”
“Why can’t it be both?” I joke before she then explains that she laid down some countermeasures of her own: now any dimensional rift that naturally opens within a mile of the house will automatically redirect to somewhere in Indonesia. She then apologizes for not bringing back souvenirs from her brief two-second trip to Bali, but that things were closed at that time of day. I just nod my head and agree.
Yup, wouldn’t trade this abnormal life for the world.