"Let's use it on Blueblood!!" Dan exclaimed, practically holding Chrys and Twilight above his head. "Let's use it on him and his golden gear right now!!"
"Umm…" Twilight raised her hoof.
"Umm…" Chrys echoed.
Dan frowned at both of them. "Okay, I know what that means. Tell me what's wrong with my new starfighter."
"Well…" Twilight started talking but trailed off.
Dan held up his hand. "Wait, no. Let me guess. The cup holders can't differentiate between hot and cold beverages? So it might wind up warming up a soda or chilling hot cocoa?"
"Bleh, no one wants cold cocoa," Chrys said.
"No, Dan, everything is fine with the M/Y-Wing but it's missing a part."
Dan looked back at the craft. "I see… and which part is that?"
Chrys walked over to the machine. "We installed a lot to it but based on what we know about Magic Gear, none of the weapons that we can equip can destroy one. The only weapon we think can take one out is… one we've encountered before."
"Vinyl's bass cannon," Dan guessed. The changeling nodded. "Lightning said Vice was afraid they might use a sound-based weapon against the Magic Gears."
Twilight nodded. "Princess Luna commissioned several parties to design the "perfect defense" for Equestria. The purpose was to build a weapon that would protect Equestria from any and all threats at any and all times. Most of the groups contracted to the project suggested massively destructive weapons: satellite platforms that used solar energy to fire huge beams, a device that could teleport bombs, a massive mind control signal amplifier and even a facility that could control the weather. And of course, Vice Grip's company Future Integrations Stable-Tec suggested the Magic Gear which Luna approved on."
"But Luna never said the "perfect defense" had to be some sort of colossal, destructive force or anything. Vinyl and Octavia were the only group that was contracted that actually provided a non-lethal suggestion," Chrys said. "We accidentally ruined their demonstration back when they first opened the Wubway here in town. They were planning on using their business as a way to provide Equestria with the perfect defense- a bass cannon in every city that would both increase the partying and the defensive capability of the entire kingdom."
"Huh," Dan said, putting his hands on his hips. "I kinda feel bad about destroying their store so many times. But they did wreck the library, which took us a long time to fix."
"They were just testing it out," Twilight said. "It only damaged the library because it wasn't acoustically calibrated yet. But it didn't hurt any pony and it wouldn't have done any damage if it had just been adjusted a little. Once they fixed it up a bit, the bass cannon would be able to devastate any other weapon without harming the town."
"Wow, it really was the perfect weapon," Dan remarked. "A really loud, destructive force that could rip apart any robot or missile that came at the town and the worst that could happen to Ponyville afterward would be they might need to redecorate. So it's almost like a portable version of… me." He placed a hand on the fighter's hull. It was like something out of Galaga and from the inside of the cockpit, the controls even looked similar. "So you guys built this together?"
Twilight nodded. "After we found out about Luna's project, we decided to make our own perfect defense. Rainbow Dash provided the engines, Rarity crafted the frame, Fluttershy programmed the targeting system, Applejack applied the armor, Pinkie attached the weapons and I installed the controls while Chrys put in the DVD player."
"We all built it… for you," Chrys said. "With you, now it's complete."
All three of them touched the craft, hands and hooves side-by-side. One of them an arsonist, the other an arcanist and one of them at one point an antagonist. But it was moments like these where they didn't know which was which with the previous statement. They were different yet similar in many ways. And they had come together to protect this world.
An explosion shook the walls of the treehouse. A loud rumble echoed in the distance, like thunder at ground-level. They had to steady themselves to keep from falling over.
"That can't be good. If it's Blueblood, it means we'll have to fly this thing later," Dan said. He bolted out the door quickly and ran down the hallway, followed by Twilight and Chrys. "We'll have to get the bass cannon installed as soon as we can! Before that idiot nukes the town!!"
They burst into the living room, nearly sliding on the carpet in front of the door as they entered.
"Dan!" Phoenix yelled, at the control console by the door. "How do I turn on the defenses for the house?!"
Dan walked over to him. "Did you log in first?"
"Yes, I used the "Guest" log in."
"Okay, go over to the shortcut to Home Defenses," Dan instructed.
"I did this already. I double-click, right?"
"No, right-click it."
"Right-click?"
Dan looked over his shoulder. "Yeah, if you sign in as "Guest", you have to run it as admin."
Blast Fuse, Blast Powder, Spike were looking out through the windows. "Uh, guys? Might wanna do something about this."
"We're working on it," Dan said.
"What the heck is this? Now it says I have to configure some kind of video player," Phoenix said, baffled.
"Oh, that's easy. Just go to Settings."
"Hurry guys!" Fuse's voice sounded worried. Another blast rocked the house.
"Okay, now click Allow Once."
Two more explosions. Fluffle Puff fell off the ceiling and landed on the couch, bouncing.
"Guys…" Powder turned around, nervous. "They're getting closer."
"What now?"
"Okay, now you need to update your drivers. Do you remember what kind of video card we have?"
Phoenix spun around. "You expect me to keep track of all this information?! I don't even keep track of all my case files alone!"
"We don't have time for this!!" Shining yelled. "Dan, I'm going out there! Protect Cadence and my sister!"
"Oh no you don't, Shiny!" Dan grabbed him. "If you go out there, we're coming to! Nicky, get my back!"
(Great, first I was an IT guy and now I'm minuteman. Still beats dealing with whatever software Dan installed.) "I got your back, Dan! Whoever's behind me, get mine!"
"We volunteer!" the Blast sisters exclaimed, trotting close behind as they all exited together.
Outside on the lawn, it didn't take them long to find out what was causing the explosions. Dan took two steps outside, looked up and stopped.
"Okay… where the heck did those come from?"
Up about the same height Cloudsdale used to be at were what looked like galleons. Six wooden sailing ships hovered low over Ponyville, cannons aimed at the town. One of them fired into the center of Ponyville, hitting a gazebo in the park. The cannonball exploded on the small, wooden structure, turning it into a massive ball of fire that left only a crater behind and wooden shrapnel.
At the same time as the attack was going down, Derpy Hooves was delivering mail to their mailbox. The gray mare waved at them. "Hi guys!" Despite the fact the town was in imminent danger, she appeared just as cheery as she normally did.
"DERPY!! GET DOWN!!" Chrys yelled.
"What?" Derpy asked, looking at her hooves. "Did I drop something?"
Shining, Phoenix and Dan ran at her and tackled the mare to the ground, desperate to shield her from the oncoming fire. But she was still looking in her saddle bags to see if she'd lost anything and just randomly decided to fly up as the three brave heroes jumped, missing her entirely and hit the dirt instead.
"Nope, I think I got everything! Thanks anyway, though," she said, patting them on the heads.
"Derpy," Dan grabbed her by the hoof. "Derpy, you have to get out of here. Those airships from Super Mario Bros. 3 are attacking the town."
"Oh," she said, looking up over her shoulder. "That's okay. Edge will take care of it."
One of the airships rotated its cannons right at their position. Just before it fired, streaks of red blazed through the sky from above and poured down on it. The airship exploded into a ball of cinders, smoke and aerial flotsam, cascading down onto Ponyville in a burning hulk that landed in the middle of the market square. Several unoccupied stalls and kiosks were flattened, others were incinerated.
"There he is now!"
The others looked up but could only see the battle in progress. More red bolts erupted from the clouds above the flotilla, ripping apart two of the other galleons. The others turned their cannons upward and turned around, departing in a rush. Several figures darted among the ships, destroying another one as the two escaped. When they were finally away from Ponyville, they turned around and flew back to town. The figuress came closer and closer to Dan and the gang, approaching at high speed until they finally coalesced into the form of pegasi.
An orange pegasus with a brown mane and white chest and wings flew right up to Dan and the others, pulling up just in front of the mailbox. He wore a strange belt around his middle just under both his wings. The belt had four wings in a distinctive X-shape with a gun barrel on each tip.
"Okay, this is going to sound weird but… do any of you know who those guys were?" Edge asked. They all stared back at him blankly, either bewildered by what he asked or his appearance. "Did they say anything before they got here? Make any kind of threats?"
Another pegasus, yellow with a dark gray mane and tail, landed next to him. "They didn't really have any license plates that we noticed… not that we were looking while shooting them."
Dan pointed at the orange stallion. "Edge, right? You're Commander Edge Antares. And you, it was West, right? You're those air patrol guys."
"We're the only air patrol guys at the moment," Edge said grimly. "Cloudsdale's gone, the Wonderbolt Academy's been ransacked, the only other pegasi in town is the postal service and we're getting attacked by flying pirate ships. Yeah, I could use more air patrol guys right now."
"Relax, Edge," Derpy said, batting away the concern like it wasn't a big deal. "I'm sure Cloudsdale's all right wherever it is."
"All due respect, general, but we can't wait around for it to show up again if it even will," Edge said.
Phoenix held up a finger. "You just called Derpy 'general'."
The gray mare saluted. "Acting postmaster general, at your service! At least, until they fix up the post office again after a helicopter crashed into it."
The yellow stallion, West, smirked. "Derpy's the highest ranking pegasus in Equestria with Spitfire MIA, making her the general."
"Eh-hem," Derpy cleared her throat. "That's postmaster general, West. At least until Sendy gets back from making his insurance claim."
"Either way, we're the only pegasi left in town," Edge said, folding his forelegs. "Didn't you install some sort of defense system on your library recently?"
"We did," Phoenix said, rubbing the back of his neck, "but we're having trouble logging in at the moment."
Dan cracked his knuckles. "Not for long. Gimme two minutes and Ponyville's airspace will have coverage once again."
Two Hours Later
"Okay, now go to Options."
"We just went to Options!" Phoenix protested. "This is the third time we went to Options!"
Dan patted him on the shoulder. "This will be the last time, okay?"
"Rrrrrrrggh…"
"You know what, let's just call customer service," Dan said, pulling out his phone and dialing the number. "Got 'em on speed dial. Hello? Yes, Getoffmailawn customer service? Can I speak to a representative, please?"
"Certainly, sir! Let me connect you right away. This will just take a moment."
Three Hours Later
"No, YOU don't understand!" Dan yelled into his phone. "I've been on hold for THREE HOURS trying to speak to a representative from customer service and you-"
"We apologize for the inconvenience, sir. Getoffmailawn values you as a customer."
"What does that even mean?! What does that even MEAN?!!" Dan raged.
"I'm very sorry, sir. Would you like to speak to a supervisor?"
"YES!!! Wait, I mean-"
"Certainly, sir! A customer service supervisor will be with in you in just a moment."
Nine Hours Later
"Okay, we're updating the drivers now. How long is this going to take?"
"Should only be about a minute or two, sir."
Thppppp Thbbb-thbb Thbbbbbbbbth
"Thppp? Thppp thbbb. Thbbb thbb-thmm." Dan? Something's wrong. I feel… fluffy.
"Thrrbbb thrrmmm, thrmmbbth. Thrpth thrbb thrmm thrrrbbb?!!" I know, Nicky. What's gone wrong now?!!
"Holy crap! You guys look like me!!" Fluffle exclaimed. She quickly looked down at herself. "I HAVE HANDS!!! I CAN HUG YOU GUYS NOW!!!" The humanized mare grabbed and squeezed the fluffified humans.
"Thrrrrrrrrrrrggggth," Dan growled.
"Thbbbth, thppp thppp thbbb thmm thbbb thbbbpp thppp thbbbth." Dan, I think I know what the problem is.
"Thhhrrrggg thrrrrbb thrrbbb thrrrrmmm thrrr-pbfffrrrrth thrrmmmm thrrbbb-thrbbb-thrrppppppthrgrg!!!" What?
Fluffy Phoenix pointed at the screen. "Thmmm thmmm thbbtth-thbbb thbbbth. Thbbb thpppp thmmm thmmm thppp thbbbth." We activated Fluffle Puff mode. I think I can undo it.
"ThrrrrrrrrrggggrrrrrrrrrrrAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGTH!!!" How frustrating. I am pleased that the situation can easily be resolved. Please, proceed.
Thppppp-After That
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FREAKING THING?!!" Dan yelled, grabbing the console. "WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD ONLY WORK ONCE BEFORE IT BREAKS?!!!"
Phoenix was in the middle of reading the manual. "Why are half the instructions in English and the other half are in French? That doesn't make any sense!!" he said, flipping over the papers. "It goes from step four to le step five! WHY IS STEP FIVE IN FRENCH??!! THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!"
Twilight Sparkle walked over to them and looked at the screen. "Did you try turning it off and turning it back on?"
Dan frowned at the purple mare. "If it was REALLY that simple to fix this thing, don't you think we would've tried it already?"
Twilight shrugged. "Well, you could try it now. It should only take a second."
Literally One Second Later
"I can't believe that actually worked," Phoenix remarked.
"Beginner's luck," Dan said, folding his arms.
"H4X!! I CALL H4X!!!" Chrys exclaimed.
Twilight chuckled to herself. "It's okay, guys. Looks like the security system is working now. Better late than never, right?"
"Yeah… something like that," Edge said, looking haggard. He wiped the sweat from his forehead as he walked in, regaining his composure. "Okay, I think with proper air defense coverage, we can finally take a break, maybe start looking for Cloudsdale now."
"Eeeeyup!" Derpy nodded. She reached into her saddlebag again. "I have a lot of mail for those guys so we need to find wherever they moved Cloudsdale to right away."
Edge sighed. "Yes… because the mail is a top priority when the nation is in a state of emergency."
Derpy laughed. "Well, of course it is, Edge! How else are ponies going to know there even is a state of emergency if they don't get mail for it?"
"She's got you there, commander," West said, folding his hooves.
"At any rate, we're going to stick around in town for a while," Edge said to Dan and the others. He hooved Dan a tube-shaped object with some kind of speaker on it. "That's a two-way commlink keyed into Rogue Squadron's frequency. You press the button on the bottom and give us a call and we'll come flying wherever you are, lasers blazing."
"Ooooh, thanks," Dan said. "My own private pegasus air strike service! Can you guys deliver pizza, too?"
"If you want it with a incendiary, armor-piercing and area-of-effect yield, then yes," Edge replied.
The Blast sisters exchanged excited glances. "That sounds like our kind of pizza."
"Undoubtedly," Edge said, heading for the door. "Well, the general has decided we have letters to deliver in the meantime. We'll see you guys later, call us if there's trouble."
"We will!" Chrys yelled. "We meet the nicest ponies, don't we?"
"We do," Phoenix said. "And we don't. Who were in those pirate ships that were attacking the town? And what were they doing here?"
"I dunno," Dan shrugged, heading out the door. "But I know who I'm going to ask. C'mon, let's go check on the latest prince."