“Hello, my name is Nursery Rhyme and I’m an official nurse of the group of superheroes known as... Hey, how exactly are we called?”
“Nursery! Stop playin’ wiff dat camera, or I’m gonna stick it in yer–”
Nursery turned to Button before Tootsie could finish. She walked to him, watching the machine he was building. “What are you doing?”
“A glider,” Button replied, too focused on his work to look at Nursery. “None of us is a pegasus and we need some aerial support.”
Twist walked out of the tower and trotted to them through the meadow. When she saw the camera in her sister’s hoof, she groaned. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Nopony’s gonna watch it anyway.”
“Who knows?” Nursery asked. “We’re kinda famous after that necklace incident. After all, we saved the day...”
“Horseapples,” Tootsie Flute muttered. “Not to mention dat I got grounded for two weeks. At least I got C on my spellin’ test.”
“Oh, come on!” Nursery exclaimed. “Soon we may become popular in the whole of Equestria! Say something superhero-ish! Or at least something about yourself.”
“Okay,” Tootsie said, getting up from the grass and putting on her domino mask. “My name is Captain Cockneigh. I like hoofball, tending to flowers, and hurting ponies.”
“You mean soccer, right?” Button asked, putting the hammer down and staring at the glider. “Because I usually see you playing– Aargh!”
“It’s hoofball,” Tootsie muttered, watching Button roll on the grass. “Don’t forget ‘bout it, or I’ll kick ya where it hurts more...” She turned to the camera. “I hate spellin’, idiots, and da buggers who killed my parents.”
“Will you tell us something more about yourself?” Nursery asked.
“My favourite movie is Cockneighs vs. Zombies,” Tootsie replied. “And I’m gonna shove dat camera up somepony’s arse soon...”
“Okay,” Nursery muttered and pointed the camera upwards. “And here we have another member of our team. Hello, Potato Mare! What are you doing?”
“Just hanging around,” Dinky replied, lowering herself on the vines. “Captain and I have recently saved the necklace of that important lady from being stolen by those two ponies wearing strange clothes. Tubby liked it very much.”
Nursery sighed. “Okay... Tubby is, from what I’ve heard, a genetically-engineered potato, right? Can we talk to him? What is he saying right now?”
Dinky stood still, her eyes locked on some point in the distance. “When a cucumber is divided, the things are getting in her way and when hippos dance, there’ll be a high chance of bottle inflammation. Ia, ia, Shub-Niggurath! For I am the beetroot that will solve all the ironing boards in the orgy of an endless suppository of half-molten braces of a light bulb.”
“I think we’ve heard enough.” The camera trembled in Nursery’s hoof.
“Sometimes, however, Tubby goes silent,” Dinky said. “And then things happen.”
Tootsie moved further away from Dinky. “I ain’t wanna be ‘ere when dey ‘appen.”
“It only happens when I’m alone in my room, though.” Dinky shrugged. “It feels funny.”
Nursery sighed. “Okay, I’m pretty sure that your inner life is very interesting, but I don’t have that much tape.” She smiled and patted Dinky’s head. “Come to my lab one day.”
“Sure,” Dinky replied, smiling back at Nursery.
“And here we have my sister, The T,” Nursery said, walking to Twist. “She’s working on her gadgets and other stuff. What is it?” She pointed at something that looked like a revolver, if revolvers were made of wires and aluminium which seemed recycled from empty beer cans.
“That’s my new launcher,” Twist replied. “Burning everypony with a death ray isn’t very practical, so I went towards something more universal.” She opened the magazine. “Inside there are six crystals with spells recorded on them. By turning it, I can change the spell it fires.”
“What spells do you have?” Nursery asked.
“Death ray, stunning spell, healing spell, levitation, radar, and a flashlight,” Twist replied. “Weaker than average unicorn’s, but I can still do this.” She switched the launcher to a levitation spell and fired it at two beakers full of some yellowish liquids. Seeing this, Tootsie backpedalled, only to find out that she’d have to bump into Dinky if she continued her escape.
“What’s dis?” Tootsie asked.
“Don’t worry, they’re safe,” Twist replied, waving the beakers around. “That is, until you mix them. Then they kinda explode. Or rather burn.”
“And why do we need ‘em?” Tootsie looked at the beakers and shuddered.
“Glad you asked,” Twist said. “Remember our armoured cart?”
“Yeah, dat.” Tootsie sighed. “It was slow like old ponies fu–”
“I built a new one. We’ll use it on our patrols,” Twist said. “No armour, pedal-powered, lots of gadgets, and an afterburner. If we get into trouble, it’ll help us run away. This is the fuel.”
“Hmm, isn’t it made of wood?” Button asked. He finished working on the glider and looked at it from the distance.
“Details,” Twist muttered.
“Put it down, please.” Button grabbed one of the beakers. “Is that stuff even legal?”
“Well, I made it of legal ingredients.” Twist smirked.
Button sighed. “Nevermind.”
“Yeah.” Tootsie shrugged and took a small box out of her pocket. “Leave those explodin’ chamber pots and ‘ave a lunch.” She opened the box. Twist looked inside and shuddered, seeing a brownish suspension full of some unrecognisable chunks that probably used to be corn, rice, beans, and chilli peppers before somepony decided to torture them by cooking slowly.
“Is that... Lyra’s chili?” Twist asked, feeling her throat drying quickly.
“Yup.” Tootsie aimed her horn at the chili and started to heat it with her magic. “It’s awesome.”
Twist decided to take a look somewhere else. Her first contact with Lyra’s chili had ended in hospitalisation. If one left a tortilla chip in it for too long, it was catching fire. It could melt spoons and burn holes in tables. Nursery Rhyme once took a sample to the lab. Apparently, after eating a big enough dose, one could only take five steps before dying. Twice.
Unfortunately for Twist, “somewhere else” meant “straight into Nursery’s camera.”
“So, will you tell me something about your armour?” Nursery asked.
“Classified, patent pending,” Twist replied quickly. “But I have a compartment for peppermint sticks.”
Meanwhile, Tootsie levitated a tortilla chip, dipped it in chili and ate it without even flinching. “Want some?” she asked Button.
“No, thanks,” Button replied, looking down the hill. “Seems that Tag is coming to us.”
Indeed, a filly joined them after a while. She dropped on the grass, panting. Her eyes were bloodshot and her fur was drenched in sweat.
“Did something happen?” Button asked. “You okay, Tag?”
“Do you have something to eat?” Tagalong asked. “My sugar level drops when I’m stressed.”
Nursery raised her eyebrow. “Can’t you just–”
“Dying from it takes a while,” Tagalong muttered. She took chili Tootsie offered her and dipped a tortilla chip in it.
“You’d better eat a peppermint stick,” Twist said. “There’s more sugar in it.”
“It’s okay, I just ate this chi–” Suddenly, Tagalong choked. Her eyes widened as she looked around helplessly, trying to catch a breath. She grabbed her throat, dropping the box with chili.
“Okay, abdominal thrust...” Nursery muttered, rushing to help. “Hold on, Tag, I’m gonna help you!”
Tagalong took five steps towards Nursery.
“Fwoosh!”
“Feeling better?” Nursery asked when the light disappeared. The only reply was another “fwoosh!” accompanied by another burst of light.
“Now that’s better,” Tagalong muttered. “My sugar level is also good now. And at least I didn’t fall.”
“Is that bad?” Dinky asked. Tootsie looked at the chili lying on the grass and groaned. Meanwhile, the grass blackened and started to smoke.
“Dying standing is a luxury I don’t experience often,” Tagalong said. “Anyway, I just remembered that I have something very, very, very, very important to–”
“Go fly a kite,” Tootsie muttered. “You spilled my lunch.”
“Do you want a baked potato?” Dinky asked.
Tootsie looked into Dinky’s eyes and said a few words about where she could stick a potato if it hadn’tbeen for the fact that it was probably coming from there. She then looked at the spilled chili, shrugged, and started to eat it with grass it had landed on.
“My niece in a nutshell,” Twist muttered. “Don’t eat it! Someone may have peed in here...”
“Itdothnttathtelikeet,” Tootsie replied, her mouth full of grass and chili.
Button turned to them. “Two chavs were fighting and fell down the cliff. Who won?”
“The society,” Nursery Rhyme replied. “A chav and a zebra are in a cart. Who pulls it?”
Tootsie swallowed her chili and gave Button a nasty glare. “I’m pretty sure yer arse’ll benefit from a little whoopin’...”
Button backpedalled, covering his most vital parts. Tootsie stretched her hooves and approached him slowly.
“Hey, who pulls that cart?” Dinky asked.
“Your mom,” Tootsie replied.
Dinky raised her eyebrows and scratched her mane. “I don’t get it,” she said. “Why’d my mom pull a cart with a chav and a zebra?”
“She insulted you,” Nursery whispered, seeing that Tootsie clearly wanted to assault those parts of Button Nursery could find the most interesting in a few years.
A potato to the back of the head diverted Tootsie’s attention from Button. She turned towards Dinky and exhaled loudly, gritting her teeth. “Ya’re dead,” she whispered. “More dead than tomatoes Lyra was tryin’ to grow...”
“It’s pronounced ‘to-may-toes’,” Nursery muttered, grabbing Tootsie’s tail with her teeth while still holding a camera. A moment later, she was lying on the ground, knowing very well which pronunciation was superior. Also, when she later retrieved the movie from her camera, she got a perfect picture of Tootsie’s hind legs in motion.
“Enough!” Twist exclaimed, using her launcher to levitate Tootsie. “We’re superheroes! We don’t fight each other!”
“Put me down!” Tootsie thrashed in mid-air. “It ain’t natural...”
“I’ll put you down when you calm down!” Twist groaned. “Can this day get any worse?”
“Hey, I’m flying!”
Tootsie fell on the ground when Twist looked into the sky to see Tagalong flying above them. Button’s glider worked surprisingly well, catching a stream of hot air and lifting Tagalong high above the ground.
“Dis ain’t gonna end well, innit?” Tootsie asked.
“Definitely,” Button muttered. “I spent days building it...”
“The perversity of the universe always tends towards a maximum,” Dinky said. “At least according to Tubby.”
“Hey! I can see my house from there!” Tagalong exclaimed, turning sharply. “Whoops...” Her eyes widened when one of the glider’s wings broke. The glider spiralled out of control, falling towards a group of trees and bushes on the river bank.
“I guess she ain’t gonna see ‘er house from dere...” Tootsie muttered when the remains of the glider disappeared behind the trees.
“Tootsie!” Twist exclaimed when something exploded brightly between the trees.
“It’s not like she’s gonna die or sumfin’...”
“My glider!” Button shouted.
“It sucked anyway,” Dinky said. “If it didn’t, it wouldn’t break.”
“It’s because you’re not supposed to turn it as if it was a battleship!” Button exclaimed. He reached behind his back, but he didn’t find any hyperspace mallets there, so he continued, “It was a delicate work of art!”
Dinky waved her hoof. A vine appeared out of nowhere and smacked Button in the face.
Button rolled his eyes. “Do you all think that hitting me brings good luck or something?”
Nursery smirked. “Not if you don’t want that...”
Button sighed. He opened his mouth to answer, but at the same moment someone kicked him in the rump.
“Your glider broke,” Tagalong said, frowning. Her costume – which was, in fact, a green filly scout raincoat – was torn in a few places. “I snapped my neck and I don’t like when it happens.”
“Why did you even touch it in the first place?” Button exclaimed, waving his hooves.
Tagalong turned to Tootsie. “She told me so.”
“What?” Tootsie lifted her wrench.
“You told me to go and fly a kite...”
“Oh, for da love of Celestia...” Tootsie rolled her eyes. “Does anypony ‘ere get ‘em metaphors?”
“No,” Nursery replied. “Though I’m learning to use them. It’s fascinating.”
“Celestia, give me patience,” Tootsie muttered under her breath. “Just don’t give me strength, or else I’m gonna tear someone’s bloody ‘ead off, impale it on a pike an’ call dat modern art. Or maybe brave ‘art.”
Twist sighed. “Okay, enough. Tag, what were you trying to tell us?”
“It doesn’t matter now,” Tagalong replied. “My head hurts because of that glider. I’m gonna go home.”
“Wait!” Twist exclaimed. “You said that was important! And we were going to guard the town together tonight.”
Tagalong didn’t listen. Instead, she started to run, almost tripping over her own hooves.
“Just great.” Twist rolled her eyes. “So, anyone has anything else to say?”
“I’m not your twin sister,” Nursery replied, smirking. “I’m Bon Bon’s twin – a thirty years old midget who’s pretending to be a filly because Button is just so sexy…”
“That’s kinda creepy, but if you’re into it…” Dinky looked at Button, whose jaw nearly hit the ground. “He isn’t.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Twist asked. “It all makes sense now…”
“Practical jokes!” Nursery exclaimed, laughing. “I figured them out! Don’t worry, it wasn’t true.”
“What if it was?” Dinky shrugged. “My mom would talk about that all the time…” Her voice lowered slightly. “You’re still creepy, kid.”
“May I commit aunticide?” Tootsie asked.
“That’d technically be materteracide or amitacide,” Nursery said. “The former if you consider Bon Bon your mother and the latter if you think she’s your father.”
“Fine!” Twist exclaimed in a high-pitched voice, suggesting an imminent mental breakdown. “Tootsie, you’ll guard the town with me tonight. Nursery… Have you ever seen a chicken?”
Nursery raised her eyebrows. “Yes, why?”
“So go cluck yourself before I hurt you,” Twist muttered through gritted teeth. “And please, someone do something with Button before he starts drooling!”
“Sure thing.” Tootsie smacked Button in the back of the head. He fell face-first on the grass, but at least he regained consciousness.
“Okay.” Twist took a deep breath. “You’re dismissed. Tootsie, come with me, I need to show you something…”