Dear family of John Smith
I, Celestia, regret to inform you, that on the 23/11/1067 AD (After Discord) he was Killed In Action.
...
...
...Get bamboozled.
OH YEAH! I DIDN'T DIE IN THE CHANGELING PLACE!
Barely.
here's what happened In... I've already forgotten the old name. Let's just call it Changelingia.
Sounds better than the new one anyway.
----
Spike was by my side as we walked down to the chariots, of which there were two. One for supplies, (where the day captain was flying around) and one for passengers. We quickly climbed aboard the latter, and my entrance was met with glares from the guards inhabiting it. All the rows were filled, except for the space near the end...
'Next to Moonflower' Lavan added.
Right. The one next to Moonflower. Well, this conversation was gonna have to happen sometime...
I plopped myself down, and Spike decided to curl up like a cat in the middle of the doorway to the front of the chariot, where it was freeze-your-dick-off cold.
Not a second after I sat myself down, the cart began moving forward, accelerating briskly while the paved road underneath was hit by the rickety wheels until... nothing, no friction, barely any noise, aside from the distant hustle and bustle of Canterlot. Looking out the window, I noticed something rather pressing.
We were flying. Very quickly.
It took a moment for it to sink in.
"Who's flying this?" Because they sure as hell don't have jet engines, medieval tech, remember?
A guard opposite me spoke up, "a couple of Halulan Pegasi, sir. High wing span, very long distance fliers. Can't sprint for their lives though." Thank you, anonymous guard who I will most likely never see again.
Leaning back, I looked at my seat-neighbour.
Moonflower wasn't happy.
Again.
She started pretending I wasn't there. Little does she know, silent treatment is always the easiest to deal with.
I started tickling her wings. Wings, if stimulated correctly are an erogenous zone, because they are in essence, an additional limb attached directly to the spine. making them really sensitive.
Biology triumphs.
She couldn't help but start laughing into her hoof as I mercilessly attacked her wings from behind, making sure no one else could see my mischief.
In retaliation, she hit my arm with a free hoof, trying to get me off. It didn't work, but it bloody hurt. My arm felt like it had been hit with a small hammer, and it took every bit of restraint I had not to yell out. Somehow, we managed all this while escaping the notice of the many guards, both day and night, that surrounded us.
"Captains, could you do this in your own time?" One of the guards called out.
Our appendages withdrew from each other, and we shuffled away slightly.
'Damn, dude. Just fuck her already. You can tell she wants 'The D' from miles away.
That's kind of demeaning, Lavan. And anyway, I'm not sure what my position is on the whole 'inter-species relationships' thing anymore.
'So what would it take for you to consider it?'
I'm getting relationship advice from an eldritch abomination that tried to burn away all life on the planet.
I don't see anything wrong with that.
It'll take a long while before I'm ready to do so. A long while without human females. I'm still a little against the idea of putting it in a small horse. Kissing? Depends, but sex? No thanks.
'And you were having a go at the ponies for being racist. Hypocrite.'
I'm pretty sure I have more leverage in an argument here, it's not that I don't like Moon, or other species, I'm just not interested in them... Yet.
'Foreshadowing...'
Lavan, that's the second time you've done that, we are not in some kind of idiot's story book. We. Are. REAL.
'Keep telling yourself that, bub. But I know the truth is out there.'
The truth is ou- THIS ISN'T THE X-FILES!
'Prove it, Scully.'
Turbulence jerked the cart as we slowly moved upwards, this caused me to accidentally headbutt the low-lying roof of the cart, which drew the mirth of many a guard. As I rubbed my head, I peered out the side window.
There was a pink blob in the supply carriage. (which was flying just to the side of us, if you didn't know) I rubbed my eyes and blinked. The blob was gone.
'Probably just the minor concussion talking.'
Yeah. I guess.
I rested my head on the wall, arms and legs crossed as I tried to get into a comfortable sleeping position. Alas, twas not to be. This carriage was so awkward to sleep on, even without the occasional turbulence which would try it's best to give me some measure of brain damage.
The minutes ticked on, and I was no closer to sleep than I was when I boarded. Everyone else was rather soundly sleeping, and Moonflower had her head in my lap, smiling blissfully as she slept. Id never tell this to her, but she looked ridiculously cute, as her wings tried to curl round me in a sort of hug, her nose buried in the belly of my shirt.
It helps that she was quite warm too. I dropped a hand onto her back. Enterprising on the heat she generated.
As time went on I found myself getting a bit drowsy.
Peaceful, even. But somewhere in there...
Happiness.
----
The distant sound of thunder shook me from sleep's embrace. I saw a few ears flick as the tired guards woke up themselves.
"Was 'appenin'?" I grumbled, still in a sleep-induced stupor.
'Storm, a big one. Like 'a weak hurricane' big. Lavan warned.
"Is this storm gonna be a problem?" I asked innocently.
"Sir, we will most likely have to land, luckily, we're just at the Mexicolt border, so we won't be in any immediate danger from Changelings." Oh, good.
Then everyone noticed Moonflower. Who was hugging me tightly now, looking nearlying inseparable from my midsection. I took note of the light blush her cheeks held as she embraced my crotch area.
"Quite the catch, Human." A night guard raised a brow, wiggling it suggestively. This fucking guy.
"Shut up..." The captain was completely unaware that anyone was staring and so a few continued to do so.
*THUD*
"MMPH!" From where Moon's head had been resting the sudden landing sent her chin smashing to my testes. C'mon, that MUST have woken her up...
She would not wake up. At all. She was like some sort of sleeping Leech, refusing to let go until she was satisfied. I had to stay sat there while others stretched their legs, as to not wake her, the pins and needles were rushing into my waistline, and getting worse as time went on. I was half tempted to do the ear blowing trick I used on Twilight a few weeks ago.
Damn, those times seems so far away now.
Eventually I came up with a suitable idea.
I hauled her around, carrying her to one of the tents that had been set up while I was inside. It was one of the larger ones, royal purple with a golden line drawn around the top. Seems like it's for important people.
The guards here must think they're a right bunch of jokers. They set up a candle-lit dinner for two.
'Even the guards can see it. So just DO IT!'
Subtle coercion isn't really your specialty, is it?
'Nope. I was alway more direct. Especially when it came to MARES.'
Can we stop going on about this and get the mare to bed?
'Bow Chicka Wow Wow.'
I've never even watched Red v.s. Blue.
'That doesn't mean I can't quote Tucker.'
I sighed in that 'I can't believe I have to put up with this shit' way before unceremoniously dropping the lump known as Moonflower onto the hastily made... bed thingy. I don't even know what to call it.
'Describe it.'
It's uhh... like a hammock, but with a duvet, and a wooden frame.
'It's just a really unorthodox hammock, John.'
OK. Why are we focusing in on a hammock?
'Because the guy in charge is clearly running out of things to say.'
Who is in charge?
'...'
He's gone. Now then, let's go get some grub-
A hoof on my thigh.
"Don't go..." Moon asked me. I knew I shouldn't turn around, because then I'd have to defend myself against the puppy dog eyes both her and Twilight seemed surprisingly adept at.
"I'm hungry, Moon, we can talk in a bit."
'She's super clingy. Like a poor abandoned pup.' Lavan commented as I pushed through the flaps of the purple tent.
I'll talk to her after dinner, or breakfast. Whatever it is now.
"Lunch." I was wrong on both accounts. They had nearly everything I'd ever need here. Including a nice piece of bacon...
The bacon is calling to me~
It took me a few minutes to stock my plate properly, but I dived into the meal quickly. Hastily munching on the assortment of fruit, veg and meat. I stopped only once, finding a strand of blonde hair stuck in my apple. Gross. I hope I don't get that often. Do the ponies who stock this stuff not use mane-nets? As i was removing myself from the seat, I could see that most guards were hurriedly heading inside their tents.
The storm was fast approaching and the lightning strikes were becoming vigorous, every so often one would strike a mile away, and more were visible further back.
It's still better than British weather.
When I got back, Moon hadn't noticed my entrance, and was rolling around on the floor, tossing and turning. She would stop for a second, huff and then continue on. My laugh alerted her that I was standing in the doorway.
"How long have you been there?" She asked, still upside down.
"Long enough." I quipped back, smiling wryly.
She sighed, "can you scratch my back? I need a little help here."
'Bruh, she's trying to get you close, so you can cuddle her. Don't fall for it!'
Lavan, she can't scratch her back. If you were trapped in stone, like Q, then you know more than most how annoying that is.
'...I was trapped in Canterlot Mountain. Warded in at the top, then buried under it.'
Buried alive? Seriously? Celestia did that to you?
'Yep. Old me had serious claustrophobia as well. Until he went mad with loneliness. I, or He, had a bit of a rough ride.'
I'm still gonna scratch her itch.
'That's what she said.'
It's what you make it.
Sitting down on the hammock, I patted my thighs, motioning her to move over. She reluctantly laid down on my lap, stretching out and exposing her winged back to me.
As I began scratching, she melted into my lap, purring like a cat and pushing lightly against my hands.
Ponies are so weird.
'I hear you, Celly had some weird fetishes too.'
Because I DEFINETELY needed to hear about your relationship with Celestia.
Moonflower's tail was lifting slightly as she nuzzled into my chest. Damn, she looks cute like this, she was really soft as well.
Fuck it, let's just bite the bullet. "Would you like to try something?" Her ears perked up. "When we get back to Equestria, I mean. I'm not really that used to thinking that way about ponies, but... I could try."
Quick as a flash, (as cliché as that simile is) she was hugging me comfortably, and pushing her mane up pinto my chin, tickling me slightly. It was nice, all things considered. "Ok." She whispered. "Would you like to sleep here?"
I mulled it over for a second. "I don't think I'm comfortable with that yet. Hugs and kisses, maybe. But I'm not really ready for anything more." Moon nodded understandingly and squeezed me a bit tighter before letting go. She walked off out of the tent, swaying her hips.
"Uh, Hey isn't this your tent?" She shook her head, and her rump, although she did the latter more subtly.
"No, it's yours." So she rolled around in my bed for a while, just to scratch an itch. "I was just making sure to get my scent on you in case any other mare gets ideas." Oh. Aaaaand she's gone. I'm just gonna go clean those sheets. But, before that...
*sniff* it does smell like her.
Maybe I won't clean them...for a bit.
----
The rain dripped down in a small pitter-patter on the roof of the tent. I idly scratched under my armpit, the long-sleeved shirt I was wearing in bed slightly rubbing against it.
I was having trouble sleeping.
Wouldn't you? If anyone's reading this, that is.
I'm effectively going off to war with a nation of shapeshifters under the control of a dictator. I'm scared shitless, really.
You don't see it, but I am terrified, anyone here could turn out to be an assassin, now I know I'm being overly paranoid but... my paranoia is well founded.
Anyone out there could of been sent to kill us.
The day guard group is about nineteen strong, then the there's the day captain, me, and there's nineteen night guards, discounting Moon.
We have a group of forty-one, and forty of them may very well be Changelings.
'Relax, Changelings burn easy.'
Mate, that's a fair point, but I will not kill anyone, unless it is absolutely and utterly impossible to do otherwise. Preferably not losing my life.
'Go to sleep, John.'
That doesn't help in the slightest.
Desperately trying to sleep, I had finally found comfort...
'Get up, John.' Lavan ordered.
*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
Please tell me I'm just hearing things.
'Nope.'
I called it changeling...attack?
It was just a bee.
A really fucking loud bee.
Wow, Lavan, you woke me up for an abnormally loud insect.
'You weren't asleep, so I couldn't have woken you up.'
Don't be pedantic, you oaf. I stretched, clicking various bones as I did so.
'What are you doing? I thought you were tired.' Lavan inquired as I pulled on a pair of jeans. Denim is actually a really unpopular material here, but ponies have shit tons of it lying around for some reason, so Celestia let me have some. It would probably be muddy outside, so I donned a pair of walking boots.
Goin' for a walk. I need to walk off any energy I have left.
'It's dark out.'
And? You scared of the dark?
Lavan stopped talking after that, so I just pushed through the flaps in the tent, to be immediately buffeted by a small gust and rain in my face. Meh, I was always a fan of the rain anyway.
'A pyromancer that likes the rain? What is this world coming to? ' Lavan bemoaned.
*Slop* *Slop* *Slop*
Gotta love the noise of mud underfoot.
'It sounds like you're taking a whip to a pile of diarrhoea.'
That's a lovely mental image you're conjuring there. As I walked the perimeter I noticed a few shadows next to the supply cart, and investigated, lighting my arm and using my magic as a torch.
Twilight Sparkle dropped the apple she had in her mouth.
"What. Are. You. Doing. Here!?" I harshly whispered.
The other elements moved into view from behind the cart.
"We can explain..."
"Stay." I commanded. Those six had one job. Not to come here, and they fucked up.
I'm getting Spike.
I stomped off into the middle of the camp, peering into tents until I found the dragon whelp.
It took a few guesses, but I found him curled up in a small basket on his own.
"Spike. Get up, Twilight is a dumbass." I lightly shook him.
"Uhh, five more minutes, Twi. Thanks..." He mumbled with only the slightest bit of coherence.
"Spike!" I urged him up.
"Fineeeee. What do you want written?" He pulled a piece of parchment from somewhere again. Does he just store them in his ass or something?
'Imagine if he got a papercut.' Lavan chuckled.
Yet again, a lovely mental image.
"How did you-" I began asking Spike, before he waved a hand.
"That's literally all I'm good for anymore..." Jeez, that's fucking harsh.
"Uhh...Well, No it isn't, you're good at loads of stuff! But, write:
'Celestia
Twilight is stupid and followed us to the Changelings in a supply cart, teleport them back or something.
Your favourite human, John.'
"Send it." I ordered, and as soon as he finished scribbling down the letter, he set it on fire, which then flew away through the flaps of the tent.
"So Twilight's here?" The drake asked, and I nodded lazily.
With out another word, he ran out of them tent as fast as his little legs could carry him.
'Silly lizard.'
I caught up the dragon, who had woken a few guards on his way to Twilight. He was latched into the unicorn, leaning up to hug at her neck shakily, she reciprocated with her own, enclosing him in her fore-hooves, then wrapping him in her wings once she got a better hold of him.
"Now that you've kissed and made up, let me drop the bombshell here. Celestia's gonna be pissed, so tell me: Why the fuck are you here? The one thing you weren't meant to do!" I jabbed Rainbow dash in the chest, just above a tuft of fur that signaled the front end of her belly.
"We can't let ponies do this for us! We're the protectors of Equestria!" She stomped at the ground, kicking up a bit of mud.
"Hello? Look around you! This isn't Equestria, we aren't in the borders! You can't very well protect it if you're miles and miles away from anyone you can protect!" I was most likely lying, I wasn't sure whether we had actually crossed the border yet. She still saw the truth in my words, her pose faltering for a second.
"You know what I mean! We don't need to be in Equestria to protect it! We have the elements!" She glowed pure white for a second, before emerging out as some kind of super saiyan-pony crossbreed thing. Her mane was somewhat ethereal, sparking with rainbow lightning. She turned it off for just as quickly.
"So are these ponies!" I motioned towards the guards that were slowly forming a circle around us, Moon was among them, pretty much right behind me. "Except, and no offense to any guards here, they are more expendable, Fuck I'M more expendable! You six have the game changing weapon, and you took it with you into the enemy territory, where if you lose one of them, we can no longer use them!" I hadn't ripped into someone this heard since I was in Equestria. "Now, you are going to STAY HERE!" I breathed, "until Celestia replies and sends you lot back to Ponyville or Canterlot, or wherever the hell you're meant to be!" And with that I walked back to the tent, my mood soured.
It was certainly effective, and all of them, even Pinkie, saw how stupid of a move that was.
'I think you just tore Rainbow Dash's ass apart right there.'
I think I just tore EVERYONE'S ass apart back there.
Pushing through the entrance of my new temporary room, I undressed myself and dropped into the hammock, finally tired enough to sleep.
I didn't pay much attention to what happened next, but I know that Princess Twilight and the elements were using Moon's tent, so she came in while I was half-awake, and settled down on a chair across the way.
----
The morning was a trying affair, Celestia couldn't bring the elements back to Equestria by teleportation, as they were too far, and she was in the middle of extremely tense negotiations with Yaks, who seemed to be ridiculously angry twenty-four-seven. We also couldn't spare a chariot to drop them back and we definitely couldn't leave them here. Early in the morning, I cast an alarm spell on the tent the elements were inside, keeping it focused inside with a helpful day mage, who was capable of creating a soundproof forcefield.
Rainbow Dash especially hated her wake-up call.
"John?" The voice of Moon rang from just outside, as I was sending my third reply of the day to the mare, about why the fuck we didn't keep an eye on them, to make sure they wouldn't come with us.
Her response was, in simple terms: 'I didn't think they would do it.' AKA: 'I thought they were more competent than that, and would realise how fucktarded of an idea that was.
"Yeah, Moon?" I shouted from the hammock, where I had a scroll propped up against my legs and a pen in hand.
She trotted in, ruffling her wings slightly. "Has Celestia figured out how to get the elements back safely?" I shook my head, before continuing with my reply.
Moon's eyelids drooped, and she began eying me mischievously. "...You know, last night I remember you saying something." I turned to her.
"And what might that have been?" I dropped the scroll onto a nearby chair.
"Something about 'being fine with hugs and kisses'?" I rolled my eyes, realising her intent.
"Come on up then." She flapped her wings once, a small gust rocking the hammock slightly as she lifted off. "Oof, Moon, don't land on my stomach like that." She had accidentally winded me.
"I'll make sure not to do that next time..." She trailed off, her (rather sexy) tone inflecting her voice.
She eyed me longingly, her tail was whipping side-to-side, lightly brushing against my thigh and tickling me.
"So, what are we gonna do on the hammock, Johnny?" I could barely suppress a laugh from that.
"Depends...What do you want to do on it?" I teased.
She leaned in closer, "a lot of things..."
"JOHN!" Spike called from outside, rushing in through the front of the tent, "John! You need t- Woah, am I interrupting something?" Moon and I huffed in irritation and she hopped off of my chest.
'Twice in a row? You have to be under some sort of cock-block spell. I bet it was Luna!' Lavan surmised.
"Yes, Spike, you were interrupting, but it doesn't matter. What do you need me for again?" Spike shook himself from his little moment.
"Twilight wanted to see you."
Of course she did. Couldn't have a morning to myself could I?
"I'll get to it once I'm finished with this," I grabbed the parchment with my half-written letter to Celestia. He nodded and scampered away, most likely back to Twilight and his other slave drivers.
That was a joke, by the way. Spike is kind of a lapdog to those six, but they don't take advantage of it.
...To my knowledge.
It took me a while to finish it, but the letter was ready to send, and I was walking over to the large, dark blue tent with a golden stripe across the top, which I guessed was the one a certain mare should of been sleeping in last night.
The elements were dotted around the tent, Rainbow Dash as lying on a cloud (because Pegasi can do weird shit to clouds) and Applejack was sat on a chair, they looked to be playing a card game; Pinkie had left a note saying she was out to lunch; Fluttershy was admiring a small flower that had grown where the tent was placed down; Twilight was pacing around nervously, mouthing things to herself and Rarity was asleep in the hammock, a white hoof had been placed over her eyes.
"What is it, Princess?" Twilight snapped out it, and her face lit up once I had made myself known.
"John, has Princess Celestia arranged a carriage to pick us up?" I facepalmed.
"That are the exact words I said to her in the first letter. Apparently, she can't redirect any, as they are all in use right now," Twilight was about to open her mouth, but I swiftly cut her off, "She cannot teleport you back, you cannot just flying back on your own, and we cannot leave you here until help arrives, or stay here and wait until help arrives either."
"So we have to come with you to Alpha Hive?" She quickly interjected. I nodded grimly.
"I got nothin'," Applejack dumped her cards onto the table, and Rainbow Dash pumped her hoof in the air.
Oh, yeah! Royal Flush! I'm the best!"
"Consarn' it Dash, you always win! Are ya cheatin'?" She glared at the multicolour-maned mare.
'You really like alliteration don't you?'
I can't help it. It makes writing these journals much more fun.
"Nahh~, You're just terrible at lying." She poked the Earth mare with a hoof.
Applejack pushed her away. "And you are terrible at playin' fair Dash."
I quickly put an end to their banter. "Did you two listen to any of that?"
Applejack shook her head, Rainbow Dash nodded slowly, before thinking about it and proceeding to copy Applejack.
"I was listening..." Fluttershy answered meekly, her ears splayed.
'No one cares...'
I do.
"Right, so for those of you her weren't listening," I shot a look at the two card playing mares, "You lot are going to have to come with us, to the Hive, I'm leaving it up to the other two captains to figure out what you'll be doing. Including the princess. She will also have to take a job." Each of them nodded in confirmation.
I was hoping for moans of disappointment but: eh, close enough.
Then storm had cleared up now, and a lot of the guards had began wrapping up tents and putting out any campfires.
When I got back, Moon was supervising two guards taking down my tent.
"Real productive aren't you?" I quipped. This would be how we would usually begin conversations, a cheeky remark or an insult, and we would begineed talking, fucking around, just generally having fun.
"You'd prefer to see me all sweaty?" She smirked
"Maybe later," I paused. "What ideas do you have for our little stowaways?"
"Nothing, really. I know that the princess is gifted in all areas of magic.
"So, we could have her as a medic? Or maybe supporting troops from afar with shield spells?" I was using my combined knowledge of video game tactics, along with what I could remember about magic from Twilight's on-suite library.
"Valid, but as risky as it is, I'd like to bring the princess with us."
"Why!? She's a HVT, as well as my friend, so I'd still prefer her off the battlefield anyway."
"But you're perfectly fine with me going out there and risking my life?" Her reply made me groan.
"That's different, YOU are trained, quite a lot better than most of the peo- ponies here." I pointed over to the six, who had begun bringing down their tent, "THEY are not."
"Sir, Ma'am!" A guard called out to us, "we're ready to go, the only ponies we're waiting on are the EB's! Sir!" I'm guessing 'EB' means element bearer.
"Moon, you wanna take it from here? I'll just get in the chariot."
"Ok." She began, "-but before you go, she flew up to me again quickly tried to give me a peck on the lips when-
*YANK*
Twilight's aura had surrounded me and dragged me over.
"John, could you help with the tent?"
That just happened?
'Yes, it did. I'm just gonna do a full body check for curses.' I could feel Lavan shifting around inside me.
When did you get back a material form?
'Last night. I was pretty surprised when it happened, I'm just a blob, but it feels so good to stretch my metaphorical legs, even if I'm confined to your body.'
The chariot being circled by guards, most of whom were strapping various bits and bobs onto the side, or sitting on top of it, waiting until it was time to fly.
Those Pegasi who flew the chariot? Their wings actually look proportional, like each one had a span of two metres.
It was time to fly once again. Straight into the horizon, this time. I only had one thought going through my head as I boarded the chariot:
It must be a pain in the ass for those Pegasi to have to stare at the sun while they fly.